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Letter to folks with co-responsibility for an organization's website that i, too, am supposed to be web-mastering:
That wasn't the most fun way to start the morning, but it's probably why i haven't written it. I continue to suspect that my Problems with Work are just as much my very high expectations of others, as they are with an organization's dysfunction. Last year's insane stress (not helped by the pain i was in due to iron deficiency) was as much me worrying that my boss and my team would be helped accountable for a planning failure that was beyond our control. I didn't trust that others were honest, competent, or just. The lay-off this year of my boss underscores my sense that i was right in reading the VP's desire to get rid of my boss: I acknowledge that he found a "just" way to do it. (On paper, just looking at the org chart, the layoff made all kinds of good sense.) And i think back to the last years of the Minnow: there too i could not trust upper management where our president was carrying his anger openly. Little did we know he was negotiating with the Whale to end the Minnow, which must have put him under incredible stresses, and thus the anger was probably not as directed at our division as it felt.
I don't expect that i should put on rose colored glasses and trust that folks will be perfect. I also think i need to look at the past ten years and find the average stress, churn, dysfunction and call that "normal." Look at HP for the past ten years. Surely, any single division would have experienced those mergers and changes as a source of rumors, uncertainty, churn. Startups? *cough* I don't think the Minnow and Whale stand out as "different" in any way that would make them more stressful, more churn prone, more dysfunctional.
So, assume the last ten years were normal and not exceptional event after exceptional event. What do i need to do to move more gently in this normal and not struggle so?
[Note that the "go into business for yourself" adventure is something i know, given the small services company Christine and i founded. The positives are attractive, but we know where our weaknesses are, and they undermine the success of a small services company.]
After this week's vacation, i'm feeling a little less burnt out from work, and a little more honest. I have not been helping with the website since T--- came on board, and given that T--- came on before she organized that wonderful [conference], that's a lot of time where T-- has been carrying the website without a supportive partner.
I keep hoping that after big issue X i'll be able to bring my life into balance, but work's up and downs seem to be at just the right frequency to drive my depression. I think back to where i was last year, and i'm not nearly as trapped in deep-work caused depression (compounded with a painful health issue) as i was last fall. Things were looking up, and then came crashing down around me with a re-org where my boss of ten years was laid off at the same time we shifted to a new development working-planning cycle. I keep hoping a plateau will show up, and then i'll get settled enough to take on everything else, but from the vantage point of my last day of vacation,i don't know that there is a plateau. I am not certain it's the particular job i have: more, it's how i am affected by leadership. I rather think i need and want so much more than is likely from upper management, that just switching companies is not likely to change. I keep working on learning to be less reactive. My restoration is in the creative projects and outdoor activities, neither of which help the [organization's] website.
I should have replied to your query before [Event], S---, but my lack of time is part of the problem.
I can continue on as i have (which is occasionally remembering that i have a responsibility i'm not holding up) until [another conference], but as i begin as Clerk of my meeting's Care and Concern committee in September i know i am even less free.
I'm glad to have a settled enough in mind this morning to write this, instead of just ticking "do something with the [organization's] website" as one on the long list of responsibilities i'll get to soon.
That wasn't the most fun way to start the morning, but it's probably why i haven't written it. I continue to suspect that my Problems with Work are just as much my very high expectations of others, as they are with an organization's dysfunction. Last year's insane stress (not helped by the pain i was in due to iron deficiency) was as much me worrying that my boss and my team would be helped accountable for a planning failure that was beyond our control. I didn't trust that others were honest, competent, or just. The lay-off this year of my boss underscores my sense that i was right in reading the VP's desire to get rid of my boss: I acknowledge that he found a "just" way to do it. (On paper, just looking at the org chart, the layoff made all kinds of good sense.) And i think back to the last years of the Minnow: there too i could not trust upper management where our president was carrying his anger openly. Little did we know he was negotiating with the Whale to end the Minnow, which must have put him under incredible stresses, and thus the anger was probably not as directed at our division as it felt.
I don't expect that i should put on rose colored glasses and trust that folks will be perfect. I also think i need to look at the past ten years and find the average stress, churn, dysfunction and call that "normal." Look at HP for the past ten years. Surely, any single division would have experienced those mergers and changes as a source of rumors, uncertainty, churn. Startups? *cough* I don't think the Minnow and Whale stand out as "different" in any way that would make them more stressful, more churn prone, more dysfunctional.
So, assume the last ten years were normal and not exceptional event after exceptional event. What do i need to do to move more gently in this normal and not struggle so?
[Note that the "go into business for yourself" adventure is something i know, given the small services company Christine and i founded. The positives are attractive, but we know where our weaknesses are, and they undermine the success of a small services company.]
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This is exactly the question I am asking myself.