(no subject)

[elainegrey]

Thank you for those of you who responded to my post about my work-situational depression. I find i am more easily able to tell myself that some ways of thinking aren't authentic but are depression-triggered when i write them down. It's one of my distinct memories of going on prozac years and years ago. I had lived in a constant wash of self harm ideation and prozac was like an umbrella opening sheltering me slightly from those thoughts -- but not all thoughts. There was a distinct sense of some thoughts being not-me, after all.

The failure thought feels like a not-me thought, but like being wet in a rainstorm, it's hard to hold the constant and authentic "I am" separate from the momentary "I am wet." And unlike a rainstorm, the cascade of depression thoughts are both closer to the "I am" while being less objectively real than the "I am wet."

This morning, as the clock slips closer and closer to departure, i feel the tears and distress welling up: I don't want to move into the space that makes me feel so miserable. As i felt last year at this time (and don't think i haven't noticed the calendar similarity, and i'm looking at you, shortening day length), i'm glad that i am functioning so clearly that i let myself feel the hurt and ache.

In the early hours, as i sat and tried to be, it occurred to me (1) i need to practice reframing all the thoughts about work with conditional clauses: "In this role, I am/do ..." or "This position is/does...."
That is, as "I am wet" and "I am strong" depend on out of sentence information to help someone know which condition is more intrinsic than the other, i will make sure i say, "In this umbrella-less condition, I am wet, but i will be dry soon." Or something like that.

(2) To that point, i know some of the statements i was making to myself in despair yesterday were "I can't make this work meaningful for my staff, " "I can't help them find small successes to help motivate them." Bu framing those up with conditionals, i'm able to ask in what context or situation i *can* help frame meaning and success.

My fear is that if i go on prozac i won't be conscious enough to challenge the conditions and i'll make do.

I think that fear is part of the depression, though. I believe in my ability: I believe if i had the resources i would more easily and naturally be able to see our successes and share them.

Leadership at work sucks, but i'm one of the leaders. Whether i was relying on a colleague or chemicals to help me resolve the distortions my perfectionism produces, i am responsibly knowing myself and my boundaries and my abilities and adapting as necessary.

I am too activated to look for another job today. One of the "outs" i imagine is finding a career coach. An expensive out, i imagine, but .... Finding someone i can trust is the challenge. Online searching can bring plausible folks forward. I can ask people in Meeting if they have advice. I can do that today. That's one step forward.


Heh, i wrote this on Sept 10 last year -- decreasing day length, i'm looking at you!

You thrive on helping others identify where they will thrive and succeed. While you have helped CFOs turn into organic gardeners, you have also helped people shift from one industry role to a similar role in another industry. You have a network you share with your clients, and you recognize that needs and success are very different for different people.

I am growing in dissatisfaction with my professional role. My employer is quite pleased with how I exercise my strengths, but I find the particular strengths over used compared to what gives me joy. Those tasks are now done by others, more expert.

I suspect I have stumbled into a local maximum of my career, with growth available only in areas I feel overused. I lack the vantage point to see where my strengths, skills, and talents might be applied in a more rewarding way.

You have that vantage point.