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Today i go see Dr C.
I itch.
I haven't taken the powerful Allegra in days. I've a bit of rhinitis and some discomfort.
I'm not exactly looking forward to the appointment. Christine and i discovered the Contadina tomato paste she likes has wheat in it, which means i've had small doses of wheat throughout the month. She made a soup with it at the beginning of the month, and i froze small portions of it which i use with other frozen veggies for lunch. And the day i flared was after having the gluten free pizza crust coated with a pizza sauce she made from the same paste.
So, i don't know how much of a difference this bit of gluten makes. Is a sensitivity response linear with the trigger? Then my current reaction is pretty much pre-test "normal" and while the potential trigger has nearly gone away. On the other hand, if it's not linear, but binary, reacting or not-reacting, i have inadvertently challenged. Or it's the back to work stress that triggered some of the psoriasis.
Adding to my angst is a conversation with my mother on Saturday. She's completely enthusiastic about the potential of self hypnosis as taught by Dr. Steven Gurgevich. This triggered some issues for me.
First, she has built him up in her mind to be an academic expert on the subject. Best i can tell from reading away from the Dr Weil profit-generating sites, and looking for peer reviewed work (two or three articles where he is not the first author), is that, no, he's not an academic expert.
I'm not surprised, as Mom quoted some line about "If 51% of your thoughts are negative you are depressed." I could not let that go unchallenged, "That's an overly simplistic view." She sputtered that i'd have to take it up with this university professor. (Christine starts in with 51% measured *HOW*?)
Appeal to authority doesn't wash.
But she's delighted with the response she's having with self hypnosis and, honestly, i don't dismiss it as potentially a great tool. I don't want to diminish any effects she's having. She wants to buy the large multi disk set for me so i too can experience the relief.
This triggers recollection of the deep messaging from my childhood: you're broken and you need to be fixed. I have an emotional response to this that i can't easily name. The first response, while talking with her, was to get the boundaries set up, boundaries i haven't had to defend in a long time. My simple "No, please don't [buy me the multi CD set]" lead her into a defensive sales pitch. My rejection of the potential purchase -- a boundary i set in graduate school with "No more self-help books" -- she takes as an attack on the value of the work. I tried to simply redirect by claiming that we have different learning styles: it's true. Of course, i get turned off by the heavily anecdotal style of most self help books. Critical thinking gets triggered, and i spend time sifting through looking for anything i can find useful and trying not to get too annoyed.
The "51% negative thoughts makes you depressed" line irritates me as does the pop, new age, cheerful message, "f you just wished hard enough all your bad things would go away." The frustrating piece is that there is a kernel of usefulness: examining one's cognitive patterns and then reframing or identifying the fallacies in them does help one have a better experience in life. I can imagine, and i even recognize, that the experience of inflammation can be "talked down" to some extent.
I'm not rejecting the umpteen CD set because it might not be generally useful, i reject it mainly because i need to keep the boundary of Mom fixing me firm. Ah, the years where she was obsessed with the wee grandkids. The golden age where she was telling my sister her son was autistic and expressing her professional opinion to my brother about how warped his son was. Why did i tell her about my diet? I also reject it because Dr Weil strikes me as someone who is an expert in repackaging willow bark and selling it as super special pain relief that has been bypassed by traditional medicine but you too can be healthy with this natural supplement! (Because, heaven knows, you shouldn't take pills.)
I guess i'm tapping on ancient anger: the message of you're broken, broken, broken. The frustration: i am broken, aren't i? Yet i'm not, damnit! I wish i'd had a mother who had cherished me: that's grief.
There's a concept of perfection in the broken world that i've heard expressed in the language of early Quakers to the New Age-y mantras to solid modern Buddhist teaching. I think it cuts through the illusions and false meanings we build up. Some days i'm able to access that experience of grace so easily -- i'll remind myself of the path to the experience of grace today.
I itch.
I haven't taken the powerful Allegra in days. I've a bit of rhinitis and some discomfort.
I'm not exactly looking forward to the appointment. Christine and i discovered the Contadina tomato paste she likes has wheat in it, which means i've had small doses of wheat throughout the month. She made a soup with it at the beginning of the month, and i froze small portions of it which i use with other frozen veggies for lunch. And the day i flared was after having the gluten free pizza crust coated with a pizza sauce she made from the same paste.
So, i don't know how much of a difference this bit of gluten makes. Is a sensitivity response linear with the trigger? Then my current reaction is pretty much pre-test "normal" and while the potential trigger has nearly gone away. On the other hand, if it's not linear, but binary, reacting or not-reacting, i have inadvertently challenged. Or it's the back to work stress that triggered some of the psoriasis.
Adding to my angst is a conversation with my mother on Saturday. She's completely enthusiastic about the potential of self hypnosis as taught by Dr. Steven Gurgevich. This triggered some issues for me.
First, she has built him up in her mind to be an academic expert on the subject. Best i can tell from reading away from the Dr Weil profit-generating sites, and looking for peer reviewed work (two or three articles where he is not the first author), is that, no, he's not an academic expert.
I'm not surprised, as Mom quoted some line about "If 51% of your thoughts are negative you are depressed." I could not let that go unchallenged, "That's an overly simplistic view." She sputtered that i'd have to take it up with this university professor. (Christine starts in with 51% measured *HOW*?)
Appeal to authority doesn't wash.
But she's delighted with the response she's having with self hypnosis and, honestly, i don't dismiss it as potentially a great tool. I don't want to diminish any effects she's having. She wants to buy the large multi disk set for me so i too can experience the relief.
This triggers recollection of the deep messaging from my childhood: you're broken and you need to be fixed. I have an emotional response to this that i can't easily name. The first response, while talking with her, was to get the boundaries set up, boundaries i haven't had to defend in a long time. My simple "No, please don't [buy me the multi CD set]" lead her into a defensive sales pitch. My rejection of the potential purchase -- a boundary i set in graduate school with "No more self-help books" -- she takes as an attack on the value of the work. I tried to simply redirect by claiming that we have different learning styles: it's true. Of course, i get turned off by the heavily anecdotal style of most self help books. Critical thinking gets triggered, and i spend time sifting through looking for anything i can find useful and trying not to get too annoyed.
The "51% negative thoughts makes you depressed" line irritates me as does the pop, new age, cheerful message, "f you just wished hard enough all your bad things would go away." The frustrating piece is that there is a kernel of usefulness: examining one's cognitive patterns and then reframing or identifying the fallacies in them does help one have a better experience in life. I can imagine, and i even recognize, that the experience of inflammation can be "talked down" to some extent.
I'm not rejecting the umpteen CD set because it might not be generally useful, i reject it mainly because i need to keep the boundary of Mom fixing me firm. Ah, the years where she was obsessed with the wee grandkids. The golden age where she was telling my sister her son was autistic and expressing her professional opinion to my brother about how warped his son was. Why did i tell her about my diet? I also reject it because Dr Weil strikes me as someone who is an expert in repackaging willow bark and selling it as super special pain relief that has been bypassed by traditional medicine but you too can be healthy with this natural supplement! (Because, heaven knows, you shouldn't take pills.)
I guess i'm tapping on ancient anger: the message of you're broken, broken, broken. The frustration: i am broken, aren't i? Yet i'm not, damnit! I wish i'd had a mother who had cherished me: that's grief.
There's a concept of perfection in the broken world that i've heard expressed in the language of early Quakers to the New Age-y mantras to solid modern Buddhist teaching. I think it cuts through the illusions and false meanings we build up. Some days i'm able to access that experience of grace so easily -- i'll remind myself of the path to the experience of grace today.