elainegrey

Yesterday i kept triggering the OMG Panic OVERLOAD reaction. I decided to let myself escape into a deep afternoon designing the logic flow for a system we have to build. What a glorious vacation! Towards the end i realized i was trying to optimize the flow too much in a linear manner, which may be just stupid with modern software design, although i don't know. (All this on the job guessing, hardly training, in software design....) Anyhow, i finished and sent it off.

At home we watched two episodes of the comic mystery TV show Psych, which had a slightly different formula than the first two (less dependency on Dad the retired cop). There was also a serial suicide killer, entertaining after seeing the Sherlock Study in Pink. Also, Christine picked up the cereal box pun, and so now there's something else to watch for. While watching i binged a bit on chips and licorice mix. We did not do laundry. I did ride the bike for a little bit, perhaps enough to keep from waking in the wee hours. Surely not enough to offset the licorice. I had a giddy sense though, "I'm running away from the OVERLOAD! Lalalalala!"

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I'm taking slightly more aggressive action against the iron supplement side effect. ( Read more... )

A staff member may have lupus, and a colleague's wife is dying of cancer, and my boss just had a melanoma biopsy. I know i shouldn't compare miseries, map them to the same scale, and so on, but i end up feeling guilty about being so concerned about my own damn health. Depression is real, yes, and i know i've been dealing with it since i remember having a self.

I work so hard at being functional. I get so jealous. (But as Christine just says to me, other people have to work hard a other things.) Comparisons don't make sense.

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I'm meeting with RR over dinner tonight to do more career exploration. We have more of a conversational friendship as it is, so i think it won't be as awkward as the previous meeting with FP. (And definitely not as awkward as last week and the guy who wanted me as a reference.

Yesterday, as an example on how HQ can't quite get around wanting jobs to be filled in HQ and not in the hinterlands, like *here*, i mentioned to my boss that my colleague had recognized that i enjoy the product analyst work and i'd be good at it, and that i had considered our product analyst opening, but it was clear the hiring folks really wanted the person at HQ -- even though they need to work with us daily. It was a humorous way to point out my desire for that sort of work in a context that wasn't fraught with it being About Me. It will make it easier to talk to him about work satisfaction at a later date.

And now, off to work.

Azure is the sky on many days here, but not so much yesterday. Yet i went into the nutritionist's office burbling, "What a lovely day." It was a very busy day and i am hard pressed to figure out what i found lovely about it: i believe i'm comparing it to what November in Philadelphia could be.

Bezel comes to mind as "B" word and i wonder what's going on with the interior Z's. I've got a Q in the lexulous game i'm playing with Christine (who regularly whomps us), not a Z. I did note that there's a worn spot on my Treo bezel, pitted like a satellite in our trashy orbit, but it's just a small area. It's not under any of the basic navigation points. As i went to sleep and played my ritual hand of solitaire while Christine read and pet my hair i realized the worn spot is right over the deck from which one selects cards.

Crazed, i choose not to break the Z pattern, and that brings me to
Dazed, where i wonder if this is a silly challenge, and i
Ease myself out of it by echoing the sound and not the letter.

Fun, i think that's what i'm trying to have here.

Helping out my health for the next few months with be a collection of Evening Primrose or Borage oil and Fish oil, as well as a bioflavinoid Quercitin. Now, when i hear that a fruit or vegetable has lots of antioxidants and bioflavenoids , i translate it as that "fruit or vegetable has lots of fruit and vegetableness." Eye rolling may occur. Per wikipedia's numbers, if i ate a kg of apples before each meal i'd approach the low end of the dosage proscribed for me. Of course, to say any naturally occurring product has N amount of some compound is to play the odds on a wide bell curve, as well as gamble on the breadth of sample used to calculate the average. Is the apple number all from Red Delicious from Washington state? Anyhow, it seems to be widely available.

I am stopping the elimination/exclusion diet today. I will probably continue to be wary of corn and wheat, although we have pizza planned for Friday night dinner after my colonoscopy.

Just a pleasant treat, is the pizza, while i already have a reason for feeling out of it, and the following day is a Meeting retreat where i don't need to be particularly motivated.

Killing off this pattern now, last paragraph in this game. I've got my mind moving.

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( More about the nutritionist's advice )
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Greycie Loo was acting extremely unwell and subdued last night, curled up on our bed and not coming to dinner. Her behavior this morning is a little better, but she's still not eating. Christine's going to continue to watch her: the cats need to get some vaccines before being boarded, anyhow, so they may be off to the vet on Wednesday as it is. I recall we recently applied the flea meds. *worry*

After i started thinking about community yesterday, i followed up on some emails that were bothering me in my role as liaison to the congregation that uses the Meetinghouse. I have again spent this morning with those emails. Somehow, this doesn't register in my consciousness as doing or giving or participating, despite the reflection i need to go through. These emails in particular are difficult because i'm in the "landlord" position, and i'm trying to negotiate my way between the clerk in charge of the building and the congregation. There's something bothersome about how she addresses the congregation through me: a presumption of them overstepping bounds as opposed to balancing needs and uses. It's much more rule-oriented than creative.

So i am ministering here, serving, both in mediating the Meeting's relationship with the congregation and in trying to reflect back some of the inclinations of the building clerk.

***

Work was OK yesterday, although i found that work that was reported completed wasn't, and a number of pull-my-hair-out things came up with the Product staff member. Everyone else was out of the office for a long variety of reasons.

After work i rode to dinner listening to the game, happy that there's a game six. I had hoped to catch some of the archived game last night after, but it wasn't available.

Dinner was with the Minnow work colleagues to celebrate a birthday for the young mom. Christine joined us, and it was a pleasant evening. I felt strained by the end of the three hours, though. I don't know if that's because i kept to my diet and and wasn't indulging, or just the dynamics of being with this group.

I was happy to keep to my diet though, i think i may simply try to make this my diet going forward. In fact, i wish i had skipped the desert. My body has adjusted to the simple diet and i find myself thinking that i don't want to risk having this rich thing, that alcohol, this other hunk of bread. I only ate the lemon cream filling and the meringue out of the desert (yeah, there was probably butter in that) and found leaving the sugar crust a simple choice.

I don't know how i'm going to manage challenges for dairy (again) and corn with November as it is. I'm off to a conference for the next few days.

***

I did go walk for twenty minutes, reading notes about goals on my treo, beginning the check-in for the next goal season: November and December get treated as "the holidays."

One goal for this season: twenty minutes of basic activity every day. There's no reason i can't do it now. I've done it sporadically, i know how it helps at work, i have a way to do it at home.

So, i am feeling *much* better today. There are caveats to that statement, issues i need to track still, but the sense of inflammation leading to so much discomfort is gone! Hurrah!

However, despite having a few clear tasks that i should be doing, i don't wanna. I'm suddenly distracted by glare on my screen. I check out the snacks in the kitchen, and so on.

What's "got" me? We have successfully met Project's goals for the month. (I need to write a monthly report.) I've stellar staff. (I need to do some reviews to follow up on that -- and oh, how it puts me in mind of rough and difficult staffing issues a year ago!) Fear? Anger? Fear? Anger? Potato chips. (No potato chips.)

I don't know. I want to do something that tickles that obsessive set of brain cells: genealogy, more tree research... what?

( Caveats )

National Coming Out Day: I suppose i should have posted something. I remember back to my experience at the gathering of LGBTQ friends in February. Discussions of identity there stirred back up my identity as physicist, an old "hidden" identity, whereas my sexual identity remains fuzzy and undefined. I'm not a lesbian, and i'm not straight. I try on "bi" and "queer" periodically, but i remain feeling unconnected to those terms. So much of my identity feels like polished and familiar territory but this label feels sketched in. What i know is that i am in love and delighted to have spent over twenty years of my life with Christine and hope that we grow old together.

I suppose that puts me in this space where i feel passionately, personally about the T in LGBTQI and I want transgendered and intersex folk to have protections along with LGB folk.

Maybe next year i'll be in a space where i can join in on facebook or twitter in this labeling of self. I currently feel "quiet" on there....

***

Yesterday i wasn't close to the computer much, anyhow. I was off for coffee with friends at 9, then off to the Meetinghouse for Worship and then Meeting for Business. We ran until three, which was past my blood sugar limit given the very light meals i'd had for breakfast and lunch.

In the afternoon i managed to cook chickpeas, which was faster than i expected. I'd soaked them since morning, and they were done in an hour. I'm so used to slow-cooker times for kideny and black that i hadn't thought they could be that fast. This meant i was able to move half of the chickpeas into a stew with potatoes and celery, lots of olive oil and the juice of a lemon, and lemon peel too (i should have used just half a lemon peel, i think). It was seasoned with some liquid smoke, Jamacian curry powder, black pepper, celery salt, poultry seasoning, and a generous tablespoon of miso as the stock. After tasting i added molasses. Molasses seems to be a magic secret ingredient, adding a depth and richness. I suppose that it substitutes for a browned meat, along with the liquid smoke.

The other half of the chickpeas are in the freezer, frozen loose, so i can toss them into dishes in small quantities. I do like chickpeas. I'm overdue in roasting some with olive oil and seasoning.

I also led the way in getting many loads of laundry done. Almost all the work i wanted to do on Sunday was addressed, with the exception of belated correspondence. I was able to relax and i even checked my work email, removing a certain sort of Monday morning worry.

***

This week looks a little intense, with evening events M, T, & H and a 5 am start on Wednesday. The 5 am start is a little dramatic, but involves a consultant who is helping us test something before he goes in for his work day.

***

In other news, i don't think i notice anything going on with my dairy consumption. I'm probably not going to return to daily afternoon yogurt but continue to have applesauce or something similar. Other than that, while i enjoyed cheese and such, i hadn't had it as a daily food item.

Last night i simply came home and collapsed. I ate salad and the squash pie i made this weekend with the no-gluten crust and a canned tuna steak (because the canned tuna from http://www.pelicanpackers.com/ is really like a canned tuna steak and not anything like the usual canned tuna). I'm surprised by my lack of desire for wheat; i will follow my instinct there.

I went to bed early and got up this morning to begin to start pulling my other responsibilities together. Sunday and Monday were marked by avoidant behavior. This morning it occurs to me that i should add the light change to my list of suspects, but i was not motivated to leave the candle lit bedroom for the SAD lamp in the office.

When Christine was gone in August i realized how important being warm is to me when i sleep. I think she would wake in the night and turn off the fan, while i slept thought the night and woke to have the morning air blowing across me. (And i missed her warmth, too.) With the sudden shifts of highs in the 90's to the 70's over a span of three or four days for the past several weeks, the cool of cool nights feels chill. How many blankets will i need in January?

***

Yesterday driving to work i witnessed a tractor trailer jack-knifing as it merged off an exit on to 101. Moments of doing math: was the flatbed trailer going to decouple and intersect the lane where i was heading? Could i do anything? I was out of range before i could react. Smoke began from the skid marks and the tires and quickly screened the incident from my view. It didn't look like there would be injuries as long as traffic behind steered clear. I can't find anything about it this morning.

Christine has an interview for a job this morning. A few weeks ago she'd been contacted as a reference for one of her summer interns: she was a little miffed that the interviewer recognized that the past-intern needed to brush up on skills. Why hadn't they called her? Piles of resumes, i guess. They've called her now. She's still not sure she wants this role: i hope that she has a good experience on the interview.

I should bolt.

Is it too early to pronounce a verdict on wheat?

I'm having multiple servings each day. I feel more muddle headed and had a pretty obvious headache last night. I hadn't been taking antihistamine since Friday night, so i did last night, and i've still awakened congested.

It is also cool (45 °F now) and clear, so we slept with closed windows. Is it more significant to trap in dust and feline-related allergens or block the highway particulates and pollen?

But, oh, i want to go back to sleep. The miracle of tea has had to wait for a second time to bring the pot to a boil as i turned on the "warming" eye.

***

Christine found Edward outside just as we were turning in for the night: we hadn't seen him since Saturday evening when he jumped to the roof to avoid me bringing him in. The orange guy wants OUT again, after sheltering here all night. Christine wants to keep him close. Responsibilities, worries, care: it's clear how much is out of our control. I do wish Greycie Loo would warm up to him.

Greycie is coming between Christine and i at night -- stretching herself out long and thin and settling into the gap between us. Suddenly the blankets aren't quite wide enough

***

Binging on Pringles crisps this morning and wondering if i want to continue the wheat challenge. I think i would be find with a bit of nice bread here and there, and i don't think that the level of wheat in malt flavoring or other components is such an issue. It feels a bit like sugar issues, but it isn't as simple as glycemic index issues.

The morning is zooming past.

Happily drinking tea yesterday and today, with an oatmeal buffer. Also, Dr C spoke with me yesterday and said the particular reaction on Tuesday was likely too fast to be related.

I'm looking forward to the fresh bread to challenge with wheat on Saturday. Argh, i just realized i probably cannot have a croissant. BUTTER.... But the thought of fresh French bread is delightful.

Today wraps up the fourth day of continuous meetings all day. I am feeling very good. Part of it is tea, tea, tea (caffeine) i suspect, but part of it is feeling competent. I've taken advantage of the visit by this technical manager to turn it into an indoctrination session. While i don't believe he'll go away knowing everything we're teaching him, he'll know that it isn't nearly as trivial or simple as it seems. My sense of competency arises from being able to describe the technical details in a systematic way, and also in being able to run the meetings effectively. Indeed, i've yet to sit in a project meeting with the Whale that was facilitated effectively, unless it was me doing it.

The management training meetings were a NIGHTMARE, with the head of the HR training department spending the first day on the first hour or so's material, rambling and story-telling, and then panicking when she realized how behind we were and becoming a snapping, abusive instructor as we were plowed through the rest of the material. This pattern repeated several times before the negative feedback finally brought about change.

Anyhow, our team, which is not getting up to speed quickly on some of the complex enterprise architecture issues, is going to be on time fine-just-fine. My local colleague, the recently hired identity management expert, has been great with his blunt, "Look, we deliver on time and no one recognizes our work." I sense, again, that i have a certain ... gravitas?... leadership presence? ... projected confidence? ... that allows me to both center the conversation and propel it.* I certainly feel i've shifted my relationship with the visiting manager: is it that i feel he is listening to me now?

Meanwhile, in LJ land, my last twenty-five comments to others have been within the past week. The last twenty-five comments i've received have been over the three weeks. I know i still don't quite enter into LJ conversations, and i know the writing i do is not very inviting. I'm happy to see that i am commenting outward more, even though my impression has been that i have been completely preoccupied with work for the last seven days. (The comments all seem pretty short.)

I haven't written comments or reflections on joedecker's link to this horror or the_ogre's comments about some protesters. Both upsetting, in particular the Florida story as i plan to rent a car and get a hotel room in that state in early December. Last night i felt i had to cancel the trip, but it is to see my very frail grandfather and my less frail but equally elderly grandmother**. I know i will not likely attend a funeral: seeing them both now for a meal is the connection i need to have with them before they die. But, ...!!!!!

Must continue with work, argh, too much time journalling this morning.

*despite being an overweight, middle-aged woman in a pink tank top with flyaway dishwater long hair -- that is, i'm not "presenting" as "business leader."

** who i imagine could be as frail and ready to leave this world, but she would not dare give evidence of that.

Tea by candlelight in the bedroom this morning. Yay.

The meeting with Dr C went very well: she focussed on the diet experiment and not on all the different other things i might do. Since i'm having a difficult work week with a colleague from out of town visiting, and spending long times in meetings, i don't want to challenge this week. Dr C points out, as well, that it's possible my body may respond to the challenge with a severe response so i might be better starting on a weekend.

Since i'm not challenging this week, she's suggested i take the corn (which i find suspect), eggs, and peanuts out of my diet. A good plan, so to implement i bought some "raw power" protein shake from her. Breakfast is for me very repetitive and finding something to replace my usual egg & tortilla, which had been an evolution from cheese on bread, was the biggest challenge.

Apparently my elimination of wheat and dairy was extremely aggressive, even though we missed the wheat in the Contadina tomato paste, so there's hope the challenge will still be effective. I'm not going to be as aggressive with the egg and corn: letting corn starch and egg slip through on ingredient labels. (Otherwise i'd need a week to eat already prepared foods and to survey the ingredient lists.)

****

Yesterday was very full: the morning was spent going over Friday's magnum opus with local colleagues in preparation for the visitor. The visitor challenges me: his energy drains me and spending long blocks of time with him today and Wednesday is not appealing, except the need is so critical! I need to learn to listen to his story-telling in a way that gets beyond my irritation at his self promotion and self abuse ("I can't think clearly right now because i've only had three hours sleep," yet when it's suggested he could go sleep in his hotel, "Oh, i don't need sleep!").

I joked with my boss that he doesn't need rest because he sucks the energy from everyone else, but that is a very bad frame. My energy is mine: i don't need to let him sap it away. (Also, i have TEA as a shield today.) So how is it that his stories get to me? I know i also feel he's a bad listener. Perhaps i am being a resentful listener to his stories. That may be where my energy is going: resenting his self-centered narratives when a simple answer is what i was looking for. Ah! Yes, i don't work all the time thus i want my work time to be efficient! The key is that. This week, while we have lots to discuss, we have time. So i can listen.

****

Yesterday evening was full: after the doctor, i tried calling someone i need to visit with in my oversight role, and when she wasn't available, i called someone else on my way home. She and i chatted a long time before i got to my reason to call, and it's interesting to me to compare the chatting with her to listening to my colleague. I have been holding LM out to myself as a role model of connecting to others: i love her gracious energy.

I caught Christine up on the doctor visit and wolfed down hummus on a rice cake. I keep thinking hummus should be able to satisfy me, but i was quite hungry by the time i returned home.

Off a little late to help with more clean up of the Harvest Festival, and then an evening reading stories from "Kitchen Table Wisdom" and discussing our lives with women from the Meeting. Again, story telling, listening, and counterpoint to work. I can't say i felt great about the evening discussion. I think i was hungry: i was getting a sense of strained headache that i first blamed on the earlier issues in the day and the ongoing engagement with people. But i think i was simply hungry: it disappeared after much goat cheese on rice crackers and some stewed fruit.

I tell myself i'm a good listener, and i do think that's true. I'm not a particularly good story teller. My Dad tells stories that are of the tall tale (but true, actually) variety, the time he chased the bear, the stupidity of fishing while floating on his back past the breakers with a stringer of fish hanging from his belt, wrestling an alligator, etc, etc. They are stories not meant to make you connect with him but to entertain. My mom doesn't tell stories: she has long narrations (much like my long journal rambles!) where she's working out (or reinforcing) issues. That's what i've learned.

Yesterday: I DID IT! The project milestone and tasks "outline" is done. And i've made friends with the Microsoft Word cross-reference tool, although it's regrettable the cross reference links don't become hotlinks in the html export.

Thursday i found out that someone was coming out from the home office to "help get it done." I knew it was late, but i thought the idea was an odd escalation from a single email. Usually one follows up with a second email. Of course, i'd had a phone discussion with the person coming out on Wednesday letting them know it was back in my priority pile after returning from my vacation.

Nonetheless, having a captive audience means that we can go through the document and review the whole thing, in particular the many aspects that depend on decisions outside our group. So, at minimum it's a captive audience; at best, some of the questions be handed to someone who may have the ability to get them resolved.

Meanwhile, my system began returning to the usual irritations on Wednesday and was in full swing on Thursday. I don't think it was the potential cross-contamination between waffles: i think it's stress. (I hold out that possibly some GI symptoms are due to corn.) The proof is in the challenge: returning tea, wheat, and dairy to my diet with some force and seeing if i can force a major flare. If it's not distinguishable from the usual irregular flares and and irritations, withholding wheat and/or dairy isn't a solution i'll address right now. (I remain suspicious that by not doing a complete elimination diet and taking everything out, that synergistic effects or multiple allergies could be missed.)

I've had an experiment of not journalling everything publicly for a month plus. I don't think it's improved the writing i do publicly, nor do i believe it's improved how i connect with my online friends. If anything, i feel more distant and disconnected -- but i think that has something more to do with my ability and resources to engage with people.

I lack time.

My priorities of heart really are my projects. I've tried in a few limited ways to interact while doing projects, and interact by giving away project results. Vacation showed me how delighted and relaxed i can be spending half a day creating a color palette and picking out fonts. Or learning a new application. Or hacking data. And these passions take up so much of my cognitive energy, that when i step away, the relief comes not from interacting.

It's not to say i don't want to be social or ...

Well, i have been called to breakfast. I'll continue this thought someday!