elainegrey

I had another night of I-don'-wanna and spent it reading light science fiction/fantasy. (Young person on a quest learning to control special secret psi powers seems like a fantasy story even if spaceships are involved.) I trust that the lethargy that hit at around 2 pm yesterday was related to hormonal shifts. I reflect, too, that there was communication annoyance at work: a decision had been made in my division on Friday that i found out about when sitting in another division's management meeting. A colleague forwarded me the email, and i forwarded it to my team. I actually met with New Director later in the day and made clear that not receiving the communication was an issue.

Apparently New Director had food poisoning last week and spent time in the hospital. I don't feel guilty for speculating that he was "sick" and looking for a new job. However, listening to him whine about having to be present at the director level management meeting where he was to explain why he was asking for a schedule change, i realize he's clueless about why he should be looking for a new job.

All the politics of the day -- including the now-weekly meeting on one of the projects where we can't support them at the level they want to be supported -- were probably far more draining than they "felt." I wasn't upset or surprised, but instead recognized usual behavior. In some ways, i was delighted the un-communicated "decision" had finally been made, as it was an expectation the rest of the enterprise had had that New Director's division will FINALLY honor.

So work probably drained me more than i accept. I have Meeting responsibilities i'm neglecting. Correspondence seems a challenge. I'm glad i did use my energy on Sunday to brighten and tidy the household as i don't look around and see nags of tasks from every corner like i did last week.

It seems so strange to have shifted energy so quickly, just as the weekend's and Monday's energy to get things done seemed such an overflowing bounty.

One final joy: i feel like i am so much more clear these days. In the past year? I am able to see my ebb and flow of energy and accept it now. Perhaps it's the antidepressant, but i think it's more the trust i am developing that i don't need to will myself to have "more spoons." I am learning to trust during an ebb that my energy will return instead of having to Do Something to Make Myself Function. I find myself looking back on my old behaviors and feel like i was engaging in superstitious behavior. It's as if i was some coastal dweller who believed that she had to plea with the sea to return the water at every low tide and lived in fear that some day the sea would just decide to keep the tide out. I'm now able to trust that after an ebb, there will be a flow. Now it's a matter of being prepared for the different conditions.

I am thankful for the compassion for myself that i am learning. I think of how i was raised: in some sense we were constantly in preparation for catastrophe. "Don't rest", was the lesson, "because some day something horrible might be happening and you won't have time to rest. If you rest now, you won't be able to push through then." I suppose the military backgrounds both my parents brought and the trauma my dad experienced growing up fed their need to teach these lessons.

I now feel less like i have to exercise my will constantly, as i begin to realize that fighting the ebbs in my energy was not like building up muscle stamina but was the superstitious plea with the sea. I know even if my energy ebbs i can push through and get things done if it's important, but i don't need to create fake "importance" to practice the pushing through.

So now i begin my tidal observations: will i find a moon and sun that pull and push the tides?