elainegrey

Bruno was no where to be found on Saturday morning, worrying me, and acting as a small delay on my plan to be out before it got too warm. When Christine got up, we closed Carrie off and Marlowe out, and hunted. On the fourth or fifth check under the bed he was there. He is such a shadow. He seemed much more normal this morning. We've let Marlowe have more access to him, but maybe he needs the next few nights to be closed off.

I made a great deal of progress on the raised beds on Saturday. The French drain is under the 3x6 bed, the gravel screened off with hardware cloth and then either pea gravel (where visible) or reused tiny gravel (found when digging out the area) over the screen. The 3x6 bed is in place, mostly level, mostly back filled on the outside and filling begun on the inside. (This morning i assembled the two halves of the 4x8 bed. I want just halves to help in managing as i continue to clear out the foundation and dig the French drain that will also act as a reservoir. Today was too bleeping warm for digging.)

I found a Dekay's brown snake and a marbled salamander: they eat earthworms and slugs so, yay, healthy ecosystem? Also found some earthworms but left them to the work they were at.  I do need to relocate some to the worm bins.

Also on Saturday, we had lunch with my sister's family and Dad. Christine said she wasn't coming and i was both understanding of some reasons: my dad can be awkward and indeed didn't wear his hearing aid and misgendered C at a moment when he was distracted and speaking to me. I think i was the only one to hear.  I was also frustrated -- because i think she needs connections and we don't have many. She ended up coming, and i don't think it was too hard on her. She hates the family photos, and this time i had the sense to suggest SHE take the photo. I hope i can remember that in the future.

Today i was tired and achy. I've tried setting up some tools to help me with my intentions. One is a ten minute focus tool that reminds me every ten minutes to stay on focus, with a half way,  a 2 minutes remaining, and a 1 minute remaining marks. I really don't have a good sense of ten minutes, i found as i used those. I also had another for less focus for another ten minute time block with just the half way,  a 2 minutes remaining, and a 1 minute remaining marks. I decided i wanted to buy a new tea infuser because mine, well over ten years old, has become encrusted with tea residue, reducing the flow through the nylon mesh. I used the last 5 minutes of the ten minute focus there, and it definitely helped me refrain from getting distracted.

Continued thinking about the time that passes that isn't intentional has added a few more classifiers for a list of avoidance, escape, distraction, urgent-unplanned (not quite an emergency). I still need to find how to refuel myself, rest. I've tried resting today, too.

I have a general frustration of "I want to have done X but i am not doing it." And just writing that down has illustrated something for me. I am not sure i have desires about actually doing, but i have desires i want done. That's.... interesting.

Monday's therapy raised something for me, which is the frame i have for doing things. At a very large scale i think i have values driving things. But when i get closer in, i have more "i'm not doing this because how-Mom-framed-her-activities or how-Dad-framed-her-activities or how-the-dominant-culture-frames-doing" than my own reasons or frames.

Phrasing that i want "to have done" something does help a little, because i think it helps me see that i am not engaging with the doing, really, and the doing is the next step. So if i want to have grafted the scions i bought to the crepe myrtle and fig before they scions die, i need to start thinking about wanting to be outside (yay) with a sharp thing (erm) maybe on a ladder (erm x2) figuring out how to try something i can only try once a year and that the success feedback comes very slowly, sigh, and that i may not succeed because i am still learning. Hmm, maybe i could just graft the current fig onto the current fig to have more practice. And i don't need to get all concerned with "is this really the best place" for the purchased scions, just graft them SOMEWHERE and see if it takes. If they take and i want to move them, that's OK.

Another change in my being is that i am a little more aware of the specific feelings/emotions that i am escaping from (generally to novels). Over my vacation, there was shame/frustration/anger of misplacing tomato seeds. I was aware of wanting to avoid those feelings and thinking about it. Yesterday, Christine was upset about something and also i wasn't ready to really face the outcome of Monday's therapy. So i read.

I am frustrated with the reading because i have a hard time stopping and there are all the things i want to have done that won't happen while i am reading. But i am also frustrated with my constant (it seems) inability to have done things. And that's .. ah, there, that is still a heavy emotion that will be hard to address except in little bits.

Monday i was very very tired after therapy, and i still feel tired today. I am in the muddle of why: am i sick (coughing more - -because pollen? or cold? or?), in a fatigue flare? Or emotionally tired and maybe i would feel better if i actually did something, anything?

I had a virtual visit with a health care provider and have an OK on doubling up on antihistamines. We'll see if that hits this lethargy.

Meanwhile, insane weather. The saucer magnolia is a cloud of pink. Maybe the rain tomorrow will somehow protect it from the frost/freeze on Friday morning.

vacation, work

It's been a rough month for Christine and parts of her family. Her sister D's husband was in ICU with mysterious heart issues, including loosing a pulse for something like 20 seconds. That was very worrisome. He's home now, but Christine wanted to support them but her sister wasn't really letting her.  If it had been my sister i would have just gone, but siblings are different.

Then her brother L reached the point where hospice let family know it was time to see him. L died on Saturday the 16th; we went to the memorial yesterday. Christine's birth place in her family -- a decade younger than her closest sibling in age --  puts her out of rhythm with everyone. I realized Christine's older nieces and nephews are my sister's age (she's 11 years younger than me), and Christine's eldest sister is nine years younger than my father. We haven't seen them in ages: not only is there the weird half generation off-step, but there is the division between her brother's clan of Campus Crusade, home-schooled kids and Christine's gender transition.

Dad's sweetheart Shirley came down with double pneumonia. He was planning on two weeks in Sicily with her in April but she won't be able to fly for a while. Dad's going to go for a shorter visit alone, a scouting trip, flying on (free) military standby flights. He talked so much about those military standby flights before Mom passed (and used them for travel at least once to California), i was surprised he got so caught up in dating locally. I thought he'd have a duffelbag packed and would be hanging out on bases around the world a year after Mom passed.

I've been OK but a little detached from the good energy i had a few weeks ago.  In a rare moment of paying attention to my mood, "sour" came to mind as appropriate for a mood I am assuming some amount of this is work, with a new team manager starting and preparation underway to double the team size with contractors. It's been a blur at work, with, perhaps last week as the end of my executive function. Also, stilt grass sprouting, other invasives shouting  their presence - sigh. I have negative self talk about my body, about so many other things. That slipped in and i suspect it's a big part of the sour moods.

I don't really remember the Mar 9-10 weekend -- i guess i was reading? (See previous entry.)  Last weekend (Mar 16-17) i did lots of yard work, aching after.  This weekend i've been going all sorts of directions, but i think i've made a little progress in all those.

Also, there was basketball, and my alma mater played well.  I've continued (re)reading: this past week through the first four of Nathan Lowell's "The golden age of the solar clipper" universe's "trader tales."

Since the 10th I've peopled a little more than usual: two zoom visits with friends and my sibling zoom visit today, my niece's theater production of "Freaky Friday",  memorial yesterday. I've been shopping: i bought a nifty gadget that is essentially a laptop without processor and memory: for that you plug in your phone. Android phones have a desktop mode and then this would make doing things on the phone (like during travel) easier.

I'm also thinking about the eclipse trip and spinning around my head with plans. Just went out to look at where i thought the camping equipment was, but it is incomplete. Fie. No idea where the other camping kitchen stuff would be in all the unpacked stuff.  I thought i'd lost the tiny burner of the small stove: turns out that it was in a pot. Christine says i can not bother to cancel the order for the second burner. A second burner could be nice given a power outage, assuming a second tank of fuel. I do know where the sleeping bags are, yay.

TimeAndDate.com has an excellent capability to provide hyperlocal timings for the eclipse stages https://www.timeanddate.com/eclipse/in/@38.773,-85.690?iso=20240408 documents the schedule for where  I'm going. (A bit on the edge of totality vacation, work