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I'm home.
I've been home since 2pm yesterday, exhausted with no tolerance for pain or discomfort. I believe the term is "burnt out." I continue to wonder if, how depression would have protected me from pushing so far, or if depression is right around the corner.
I just posted an message to my doctor. I want methylprednisolone, i think. And super high doses of D. I want to eat solid food -- it's been a month. (I can bite, but not do much chewing, so i've been eating scrambled egg, sushi and cooked fish as well as juices.) I feel like my body is torturing me. "Yes, i give in, i'll quit the damn job but you know the healthcare comes through the damn job, right?"
But i've been in Christine's care and comfort, collapsing almost my full weight of being into her arms. She gently wrangles my needs into something manageable, and manages them.
I dozed yesterday, took a good long walk with Christine (to the grocery where we bought Aleve, acetaminophen, and aspirin), took a long soak in the tub and read a good bit of Le Guin's Lavinia (which will have me reading Virgil and then Homer, i suspect). I've gotten a full night's sleep. Some restoration is beginning.
Today is the wedding of the couple on whose clearness committee i served. I need to bundle myself off to the Meetinghouse to start setting things up. I'll live off Odwallas this morning.
I've not been able to keep up over the past week -- i've read some LJ & DW posts and want to reach out and hug so many of you writing from other dark places. So many of us face this demand of decisions for now and tomorrow or just making ends meet for now and tomorrow or making sense of now and tomorrow. I could easily personify depression -- a chemical veil in our brains -- as being, moving about us, hiding reality from us, darkening the clear path, playing "Mystery Spot" tricks on our brains so al we notice is how up-hill it seems from here, even though the creek merrily splashes along beside us in the same direction.
I've learned to disbelieve this perception of mine, that the road ahead is meaningless suffering, and trust that the veil of depression will clear and the ineffable sense of the rightness of balance will be accessible to me again. I don't think there's an articulable meaning to the path, even then. but the connections and interconnectedness, the potential and power of creation, are immanent. Perhaps this is the best and most true statement of my faith that i can make.
Off to dress and prepare the Meetinghouse!
I've been home since 2pm yesterday, exhausted with no tolerance for pain or discomfort. I believe the term is "burnt out." I continue to wonder if, how depression would have protected me from pushing so far, or if depression is right around the corner.
I just posted an message to my doctor. I want methylprednisolone, i think. And super high doses of D. I want to eat solid food -- it's been a month. (I can bite, but not do much chewing, so i've been eating scrambled egg, sushi and cooked fish as well as juices.) I feel like my body is torturing me. "Yes, i give in, i'll quit the damn job but you know the healthcare comes through the damn job, right?"
But i've been in Christine's care and comfort, collapsing almost my full weight of being into her arms. She gently wrangles my needs into something manageable, and manages them.
I dozed yesterday, took a good long walk with Christine (to the grocery where we bought Aleve, acetaminophen, and aspirin), took a long soak in the tub and read a good bit of Le Guin's Lavinia (which will have me reading Virgil and then Homer, i suspect). I've gotten a full night's sleep. Some restoration is beginning.
Today is the wedding of the couple on whose clearness committee i served. I need to bundle myself off to the Meetinghouse to start setting things up. I'll live off Odwallas this morning.
I've not been able to keep up over the past week -- i've read some LJ & DW posts and want to reach out and hug so many of you writing from other dark places. So many of us face this demand of decisions for now and tomorrow or just making ends meet for now and tomorrow or making sense of now and tomorrow. I could easily personify depression -- a chemical veil in our brains -- as being, moving about us, hiding reality from us, darkening the clear path, playing "Mystery Spot" tricks on our brains so al we notice is how up-hill it seems from here, even though the creek merrily splashes along beside us in the same direction.
I've learned to disbelieve this perception of mine, that the road ahead is meaningless suffering, and trust that the veil of depression will clear and the ineffable sense of the rightness of balance will be accessible to me again. I don't think there's an articulable meaning to the path, even then. but the connections and interconnectedness, the potential and power of creation, are immanent. Perhaps this is the best and most true statement of my faith that i can make.
Off to dress and prepare the Meetinghouse!