(no subject)

[elainegrey]

This was another morning waking in the wee hours. It's definitely worry, but i wonder if not walking in the evening is contributing as well. I can't but imagine i was just as worried about the Wednesday meetings as i am about todays meetings, but Tuesday night we did get in a half hour walk in the dark. Last night i felt quite dispirited, and sat around all evening.

It's a slightly frustrating connection to make, but it's something i'm likely to use to motivate myself to walk (or ride the now stationary bike) more.

It's only been this summer that i've had any significant pattern of interrupted sleep. I'm not enjoying it.

--==∞==--

So, i've spent an good while looking at the tests my doctor has ordered, and i don't think any are fasting tests. I think between the appointment for the mammogram on Friday and the flu clinic on Saturday morning, is should also be able to pick up the sample containers for the samples i'll be taking at home, return the sample, and also be seen to have all the other samples taken.

So i'm requesting the follow up appointment for late next week. Whee. Then to see if we can discuss an endocrinologist.

--==∞==--

Since i felt so dispirited yesterday evening about work, i'm hesitant to look at goals around it this morning. I suppose the right thing to do though is write an email to initiate a discussion with another person at Meeting.

We've talked briefly about getting together and letting me ask you questions about your work experience to help me explore possibilities for myself (and to be able to judge my current situation more fairly!) When would a good time in the next month be? I have the impression it would be harder for us to meet up for a lunch than dinner, but i'm not clear where you work in San Francisco. I work very close to the 101-92 interchange in San Mateo on the Foster City side and could carve lunch time out on a Monday fairly easily. I'd be happy to meet you for dinner. I'm also flexible about meeting on weekends.

Personally, and to help you judge what to expect with Library committee, i'm still in what i expect will be a long recovery from the stress of this summer. I've had enough distance to see some of what was stressful as a particular conflation of the stress of my boss' incompatibility with his direct manager, the VP of engineering coming to a head just at the same time a larger project, that had been suffering from poor communication for a year, developed some both critical and urgent issues. It took a while to sort out in my own mind that the fact these critical and urgent issues developed were not a failure on my part in earlier planning cycles. The urgent and critical problems have been managed now so that they're just critical, and a reorganization seems to have alleviated some of the political stress.

However, the sustained nature of the work and stress July through September has produced a health flare that has not yet abated. (I briefly had some wonderful relief: i think it was due to an accidental overdose on some steroids.) I'm still working with both my physician and a therapist. I do have a history of depression. I keep asking myself is the exhaustion, poor sleeping pattern, and the sensitivity to the discomfort are signs of depression, but other signs of depression don't seem to be present.

What has become clear is that i do have some strong areas of dissatisfaction with work. It doesn't help my recovery from the physical issues that i've shifted to a way of living where i drag my feet as it is time to leave for the office (whether it's here at home or up the road). So, i'm treating making time for these conversations about career issues just the same way as making the time to get my blood tests done or making another doctor's appointment.

Thanks for listening, and i hope we can find a chance to talk in the next weeks.

So there: even though i feel the familiar sense of "It's not possible to find another job that offers similar compensation that would be more emotionally rewarding. I will only be able to find jobs that use project management skills; no one would hire me for my creativity or my design aspirations," i'm going to open myself to possibility and talk to R. And then i'll talk to B. And then i'll talk to G. And by the time i've talked to them, i may have other plans. I may do the Artist's Way at Work to help me dream.

This is the same as the lesson of depression. I don't see anything but dark plodding ahead (here as a corporate middle management drone). But i'm going to keep plodding and keep my eyes open. I may discover that if i simply pay attention to something different, the job becomes vibrant. I may discover there's a different path. I will not trust my current judgement, but i will continue to be open to the possibility of change.

Unlike depression, though, i don't have the experiential evidence that things WILL change. Unless, of course, this experience is some narrow work-centered depression.