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I wound myself up with far to much stress yesterday. I managed to face a few things i was worried about, but i've built the quarterly report into a monster. I think, though, that a great deal of yesterday's hyperstress was hormonal, and that i should be able to face things on Monday (or earlier). I left work early to go to the dentist, and despite a few hours left in the day, didn't return after. It seemed more honest to plead sick.
I have decided, after much wondering whether i should go to a dentist who has a hygienist to perform cleanings, that i am satisfied with the dentist's cleanings. She managed to be extremely gentle, knowing of the discomfort i was in. As i left, the inside of my cheek where her assistant held my mouth back with a mirror began swelling. I was terrified that it would become ulcerated and treated with a topical ointment that promises to stop cankers, apthasol. The swelling reduced over the next two hours, so whether medicine or relaxing, i've just got the cankers i went in with and no extras. That's unusual for me after a visit to the dentist.
It was gratifying to have so much fussing over how big the sores are and how many from my dentist. The current state of my mouth is so much better than it has been. I often feel like i have been a big baby over the discomfort, trumped it up, and let the discomfort take over my life. To have the sympathy of the professionals whenever they see the state of my mouth does help me acknowledge to that inner critical voice that i am not overreacting.
My dentist did notice from my face (all she could see, sitting behind the high reception counter) that i'd lost weight, which surprised me a little. I wonder, though, if it is not that i've lost weight (which i have) but if it's truly returning to some health. Another friend, whom i haven't seen much of since June, commented a few times last Sunday how well i was looking, and i was a bit disconcerted by the visual scrutiny. I wonder if she too was noticing a change in my face. I haven't noticed, honestly, just seeing more and more the deep sags under my eyes. I'm looking at a photobooth photo of my new glasses and one i just took: i hardly see a difference. Maybe the bags are due to some reduced puffiness in my cheeks.
I want to believe that cutting wheat out a year ago has reduced a certain puffiness in my face that i associate with my initial acute episode of reactivity in December of 2001. Then i think about the long canker flare and the fact i probably still weigh twenty pounds more than i did when we moved to California (and i was no longer walking as much as i did in Philly, along with the transition to middle age), and i'll accept that maybe the weight loss is the excuse.
I'd only noticed the change in my body recently as pants are decidedly looser. I think i've lost the weight i gained during the first project after the merger of the Whale and the Minnow. I know i gained ten pounds the year of the database migration, when one manager had to bring chocolate to the management meeting to assist with coping with the stress. As i put on weight in the past decade, i always imagined it like rings on a tree: this ten is this project, this ten is that project, this ten is this change, this ten is another change.
I know cutting out wheat has helped me break much of my sweet binging, which has also helped stop some stress eating. This summer, though, Christine entered a weight loss program to prevent diabetes (which one of her sisters developed). She's become much more aware of the calorie content of fats and of serving sizes, and at the same time we started walking together. As every sane diet points out: more movement plus less calories equals weight loss. While i wasn't counting my calories, i did benefit from Christine no longer buttering or cheesing my food for me. Because it seemed the exercise was helping me stay sane during stress, i was motivated to keep up the exercise. It's tempting to think that the canker sores kept me from eating, but since how i coped with the worst was several weeks of cheesecake and puddings, i gained weight those weeks.
I want to support "Healthy at every size," and i don't want to participate in the cultural assumptions of how fat and health risks correlate. However, what i know of my own body was the weight that i gained in the past decade has been stress weight. It's been satisfying to see a downward trend instead of an upward trend. I just wish i could correlate the trend to a sense of well being. I keep thinking that maybe if i wasn't getting out and walking as regularly, i'd be much worse with the stress.
After visiting the dentist, while still feeling wound up over the work day, and worried that my mouth was going to become so ulcerated i could only eat soft foods again, I watched another couple hours of "Cornwall Exposure" (British sitcom Doc Martin) and went for a sunset walk with Christine out in the baylands. We took care of our cats and a neighbor's cats, ate our dinner, watched a documentary on submarine disasters, and i fell asleep before 9 pm.
I'm feeling decidedly better this morning: while i woke early, i think i stayed relaxed. I've smiled at Christine and the cats sleeping near me, cosy communion this cool morning. I feel brighter and lighter and far more hopeful. Is it simply the weekend? (When that brings Christine's departure closer?) Or balancing of hormones (i feel like my body was holding its breath much of last week)?
I'm off to the farmers market in a little bit. We bought organic, hand shelled, dried beans at $8/lb last time we were there, and made up some of them yesterday. They did have a rather different taste than the beans we're used to, pleasantly so. But yikes!
I have decided, after much wondering whether i should go to a dentist who has a hygienist to perform cleanings, that i am satisfied with the dentist's cleanings. She managed to be extremely gentle, knowing of the discomfort i was in. As i left, the inside of my cheek where her assistant held my mouth back with a mirror began swelling. I was terrified that it would become ulcerated and treated with a topical ointment that promises to stop cankers, apthasol. The swelling reduced over the next two hours, so whether medicine or relaxing, i've just got the cankers i went in with and no extras. That's unusual for me after a visit to the dentist.
It was gratifying to have so much fussing over how big the sores are and how many from my dentist. The current state of my mouth is so much better than it has been. I often feel like i have been a big baby over the discomfort, trumped it up, and let the discomfort take over my life. To have the sympathy of the professionals whenever they see the state of my mouth does help me acknowledge to that inner critical voice that i am not overreacting.
My dentist did notice from my face (all she could see, sitting behind the high reception counter) that i'd lost weight, which surprised me a little. I wonder, though, if it is not that i've lost weight (which i have) but if it's truly returning to some health. Another friend, whom i haven't seen much of since June, commented a few times last Sunday how well i was looking, and i was a bit disconcerted by the visual scrutiny. I wonder if she too was noticing a change in my face. I haven't noticed, honestly, just seeing more and more the deep sags under my eyes. I'm looking at a photobooth photo of my new glasses and one i just took: i hardly see a difference. Maybe the bags are due to some reduced puffiness in my cheeks.
I want to believe that cutting wheat out a year ago has reduced a certain puffiness in my face that i associate with my initial acute episode of reactivity in December of 2001. Then i think about the long canker flare and the fact i probably still weigh twenty pounds more than i did when we moved to California (and i was no longer walking as much as i did in Philly, along with the transition to middle age), and i'll accept that maybe the weight loss is the excuse.
I'd only noticed the change in my body recently as pants are decidedly looser. I think i've lost the weight i gained during the first project after the merger of the Whale and the Minnow. I know i gained ten pounds the year of the database migration, when one manager had to bring chocolate to the management meeting to assist with coping with the stress. As i put on weight in the past decade, i always imagined it like rings on a tree: this ten is this project, this ten is that project, this ten is this change, this ten is another change.
I know cutting out wheat has helped me break much of my sweet binging, which has also helped stop some stress eating. This summer, though, Christine entered a weight loss program to prevent diabetes (which one of her sisters developed). She's become much more aware of the calorie content of fats and of serving sizes, and at the same time we started walking together. As every sane diet points out: more movement plus less calories equals weight loss. While i wasn't counting my calories, i did benefit from Christine no longer buttering or cheesing my food for me. Because it seemed the exercise was helping me stay sane during stress, i was motivated to keep up the exercise. It's tempting to think that the canker sores kept me from eating, but since how i coped with the worst was several weeks of cheesecake and puddings, i gained weight those weeks.
I want to support "Healthy at every size," and i don't want to participate in the cultural assumptions of how fat and health risks correlate. However, what i know of my own body was the weight that i gained in the past decade has been stress weight. It's been satisfying to see a downward trend instead of an upward trend. I just wish i could correlate the trend to a sense of well being. I keep thinking that maybe if i wasn't getting out and walking as regularly, i'd be much worse with the stress.
After visiting the dentist, while still feeling wound up over the work day, and worried that my mouth was going to become so ulcerated i could only eat soft foods again, I watched another couple hours of "Cornwall Exposure" (British sitcom Doc Martin) and went for a sunset walk with Christine out in the baylands. We took care of our cats and a neighbor's cats, ate our dinner, watched a documentary on submarine disasters, and i fell asleep before 9 pm.
I'm feeling decidedly better this morning: while i woke early, i think i stayed relaxed. I've smiled at Christine and the cats sleeping near me, cosy communion this cool morning. I feel brighter and lighter and far more hopeful. Is it simply the weekend? (When that brings Christine's departure closer?) Or balancing of hormones (i feel like my body was holding its breath much of last week)?
I'm off to the farmers market in a little bit. We bought organic, hand shelled, dried beans at $8/lb last time we were there, and made up some of them yesterday. They did have a rather different taste than the beans we're used to, pleasantly so. But yikes!
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