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My mind is in a place where i'm constantly criticizing myself. I'm not going to give those thoughts the benefit of being written out. The thoughts come like a storm and i'll deal with them next weekend if they're still like this. I'm theorizing that i'm "sick," whatever is with the eyelid areas puffing up is causing larger system reactions, and that plus recovery time for the conferences is causing poor cognitive behavior.
Logged.
I am trying to respond to correspondence this morning. One was a message from the meeting in the city asking for updates for the directory, with "Please let us know how you are
doing? What is feeding your spiritual life these days?"
I don't feel empty right now, but i don't feel aware either. It occurs to me: in March i offered myself as willing to be transformed, trusting, not dictating or guiding or mapping out a final goal. This is not "rational" but suits my willingness to be an experimental subject. I offer myself for transformation, does change happen? There is a sense in which i feel i am incredibly mutable, in which i wish a little for stability, and then i laugh and think that externally i must appear immovable. I wish for another term: glacial speed used to seem appropriate, but glaciers move faster than i now. How will i know if change happens due to my offer compared to just the usual shifts and changes? Ah, poorly designed experiment, this.
Still, there's the detached sense i have right now, a bit as if i've loosened all control, and there does seem to be shifts happening, not so much as if i was disconnected and dissociated from the changes, but too close, too folded and shifted, too disoriented. Will i look back this fall, next March and go, a-ha? What does dough know on the way to bread, the slip on its way to glaze, the ore in the crucible? Offering up myself for transformation, i know i stretch and change, i feel frustrated with my energy levels, but i create and correspond and act as much if not more than before.
I've not spent much time with the meditation on the clay oven, feeding the fire, watching bread bake, and stew cook. Being consumed, being transformed: it feels even less controlled than my opening myself to the variety of rhythms in flow, while it seems it should be more goal oriented. There's a waiting thats not there with the movement in flow: stir the pot, feed the fire, repeat, repeat, change is constantly occurring while nothing changes.
respond: ORIGIN late Middle English (in the noun senses): from Old French, from respondre ‘to answer,’ from Latin respondere, from re- ‘again’ + spondere ‘to pledge.’ The verb dates from the mid 16th cent.
correspond: ORIGIN late Middle English : from Old French correspondre, from medieval Latin correspondere, from cor- ‘together’ + Latin respondere (see respond ).
Logged.
I am trying to respond to correspondence this morning. One was a message from the meeting in the city asking for updates for the directory, with "Please let us know how you are
doing? What is feeding your spiritual life these days?"
I don't feel empty right now, but i don't feel aware either. It occurs to me: in March i offered myself as willing to be transformed, trusting, not dictating or guiding or mapping out a final goal. This is not "rational" but suits my willingness to be an experimental subject. I offer myself for transformation, does change happen? There is a sense in which i feel i am incredibly mutable, in which i wish a little for stability, and then i laugh and think that externally i must appear immovable. I wish for another term: glacial speed used to seem appropriate, but glaciers move faster than i now. How will i know if change happens due to my offer compared to just the usual shifts and changes? Ah, poorly designed experiment, this.
Still, there's the detached sense i have right now, a bit as if i've loosened all control, and there does seem to be shifts happening, not so much as if i was disconnected and dissociated from the changes, but too close, too folded and shifted, too disoriented. Will i look back this fall, next March and go, a-ha? What does dough know on the way to bread, the slip on its way to glaze, the ore in the crucible? Offering up myself for transformation, i know i stretch and change, i feel frustrated with my energy levels, but i create and correspond and act as much if not more than before.
I've not spent much time with the meditation on the clay oven, feeding the fire, watching bread bake, and stew cook. Being consumed, being transformed: it feels even less controlled than my opening myself to the variety of rhythms in flow, while it seems it should be more goal oriented. There's a waiting thats not there with the movement in flow: stir the pot, feed the fire, repeat, repeat, change is constantly occurring while nothing changes.
respond: ORIGIN late Middle English (in the noun senses): from Old French, from respondre ‘to answer,’ from Latin respondere, from re- ‘again’ + spondere ‘to pledge.’ The verb dates from the mid 16th cent.
correspond: ORIGIN late Middle English : from Old French correspondre, from medieval Latin correspondere, from cor- ‘together’ + Latin respondere (see respond ).