(no subject)

This was another morning waking in the wee hours. It's definitely worry, but i wonder if not walking in the evening is contributing as well. I can't but imagine i was just as worried about the Wednesday meetings as i am about todays meetings, but Tuesday night we did get in a half hour walk in the dark. Last night i felt quite dispirited, and sat around all evening.

It's a slightly frustrating connection to make, but it's something i'm likely to use to motivate myself to walk (or ride the now stationary bike) more.

It's only been this summer that i've had any significant pattern of interrupted sleep. I'm not enjoying it.

--==∞==--

So, i've spent an good while looking at the tests my doctor has ordered, and i don't think any are fasting tests. I think between the appointment for the mammogram on Friday and the flu clinic on Saturday morning, is should also be able to pick up the sample containers for the samples i'll be taking at home, return the sample, and also be seen to have all the other samples taken.

So i'm requesting the follow up appointment for late next week. Whee. Then to see if we can discuss an endocrinologist.

--==∞==--

Since i felt so dispirited yesterday evening about work, i'm hesitant to look at goals around it this morning. I suppose the right thing to do though is write an email to initiate a discussion with another person at Meeting.

( the email, which summarizes health, stress, and career issues, and is probably redundant )

So there: even though i feel the familiar sense of "It's not possible to find another job that offers similar compensation that would be more emotionally rewarding. I will only be able to find jobs that use project management skills; no one would hire me for my creativity or my design aspirations," i'm going to open myself to possibility and talk to R. And then i'll talk to B. And then i'll talk to G. And by the time i've talked to them, i may have other plans. I may do the Artist's Way at Work to help me dream.

This is the same as the lesson of depression. I don't see anything but dark plodding ahead (here as a corporate middle management drone). But i'm going to keep plodding and keep my eyes open. I may discover that if i simply pay attention to something different, the job becomes vibrant. I may discover there's a different path. I will not trust my current judgement, but i will continue to be open to the possibility of change.

Unlike depression, though, i don't have the experiential evidence that things WILL change. Unless, of course, this experience is some narrow work-centered depression.