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I'm home, and i have a work call in twenty minutes or so (at 7), but i will not prepare for it. I think the time zones and i are aligned, in part because i was getting up so early before i left, and i was letting myself get plenty of sleep while i was gone.
I just read a friend's comment that she was feeling uncommunicative, and... i don't feel uncommunicative, so much as communicated out. When i spoke briefly with Christine during the midwinter gathering, i noted i thought i might be overdoing it. I was not excusing myself at meals to have time by myself, not taking free time to be away. I was first to sleep in my cabin and tried journalling a bit in the morning, but i did not have hours and hours before others were awake to spend in reflection.
At my parents, i listened a great deal -- saw a thousand plus photos from their travels (just two thirds of the trip) -- but i spent the time i could being with them. While the poor communication patterns are still between them in some places, the reactivity seems decreased: a direct result of my Dad's retirement, i suspect. On the other hand, traveling together at the mercy of my brother's family's whims must have been a bonding experience of sorts.
I found myself prompting them both to be more complete in their expressions. My mother, in particular, elides information as she speaks. The rest of us have grown practiced in asking after the persons her pronouns represent. As i unpacked Madame Alexander dolls from my childhood, my mother blurted out something about "her" and "she." While i knew my mother was talking about my sister & my sister's daughter, the blurt was based on some unstated assumptions about my intentions. However, without clarifying the details of the blurt (worry, advice, and criticism, all rolled up into one statement), it was hard to explain that my mother's assumption -- that i would give the dolls to my sister or niece that day -- was wrong.
It's easy to prompt for details when there's a placeholder like a pronoun signaling the presence of some person or thing, but my mother manages to be very unclear in other ways, making statements that sound like definite pronouncements against some action forever and ever (like talking about planning for how to divide property in their will) when she can mean something as simple as not wanting to talk about it until I'm gone.
Listening to exchanges from my adult and centered place as opposed to the child place where mother is center of the universe, i could see how confused i could become, especially when i failed to interpret the missing pieces correctly. Mom, unaware of how unclear she is, would give vague instructions to the child, and the child had to get it right or face parental disappointment and disapproval. I see how i am able to listen to people and hear a little beyond the bald statement. More than once i've realized colleagues totally misunderstood each other and cleared up miscommunication before it affected any work.
Dad, yesterday, apologized on both their behalf for arguing so much in front of me. Mom clearly wanted to argue with him (i expect she wanted to blame him for the arguments and resented that he wasn't just apologizing for himself), but she actually swallowed her reaction after a bit of drawing attention to her disagreement. ("Well, i could say something about that, but i won't at this point," with additional facial expressions of irritation.) I realize now that Mom's little drama removed the attention from me, and that's why i wasn't able to express my forgiveness to Dad. I should call him.
--==∞==--
I do have to continue to process these parental dynamics with intention. Some day i might be able to emotionally move through them without having to be aware, but now i feel i still need to practice the dance steps in my mind.
I just read a friend's comment that she was feeling uncommunicative, and... i don't feel uncommunicative, so much as communicated out. When i spoke briefly with Christine during the midwinter gathering, i noted i thought i might be overdoing it. I was not excusing myself at meals to have time by myself, not taking free time to be away. I was first to sleep in my cabin and tried journalling a bit in the morning, but i did not have hours and hours before others were awake to spend in reflection.
At my parents, i listened a great deal -- saw a thousand plus photos from their travels (just two thirds of the trip) -- but i spent the time i could being with them. While the poor communication patterns are still between them in some places, the reactivity seems decreased: a direct result of my Dad's retirement, i suspect. On the other hand, traveling together at the mercy of my brother's family's whims must have been a bonding experience of sorts.
I found myself prompting them both to be more complete in their expressions. My mother, in particular, elides information as she speaks. The rest of us have grown practiced in asking after the persons her pronouns represent. As i unpacked Madame Alexander dolls from my childhood, my mother blurted out something about "her" and "she." While i knew my mother was talking about my sister & my sister's daughter, the blurt was based on some unstated assumptions about my intentions. However, without clarifying the details of the blurt (worry, advice, and criticism, all rolled up into one statement), it was hard to explain that my mother's assumption -- that i would give the dolls to my sister or niece that day -- was wrong.
It's easy to prompt for details when there's a placeholder like a pronoun signaling the presence of some person or thing, but my mother manages to be very unclear in other ways, making statements that sound like definite pronouncements against some action forever and ever (like talking about planning for how to divide property in their will) when she can mean something as simple as not wanting to talk about it until I'm gone.
Listening to exchanges from my adult and centered place as opposed to the child place where mother is center of the universe, i could see how confused i could become, especially when i failed to interpret the missing pieces correctly. Mom, unaware of how unclear she is, would give vague instructions to the child, and the child had to get it right or face parental disappointment and disapproval. I see how i am able to listen to people and hear a little beyond the bald statement. More than once i've realized colleagues totally misunderstood each other and cleared up miscommunication before it affected any work.
Dad, yesterday, apologized on both their behalf for arguing so much in front of me. Mom clearly wanted to argue with him (i expect she wanted to blame him for the arguments and resented that he wasn't just apologizing for himself), but she actually swallowed her reaction after a bit of drawing attention to her disagreement. ("Well, i could say something about that, but i won't at this point," with additional facial expressions of irritation.) I realize now that Mom's little drama removed the attention from me, and that's why i wasn't able to express my forgiveness to Dad. I should call him.
--==∞==--
I do have to continue to process these parental dynamics with intention. Some day i might be able to emotionally move through them without having to be aware, but now i feel i still need to practice the dance steps in my mind.
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