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Last evening we had a little party for my ex Boss. I'd spent over five hours learning Illustrator and putting together a Minnow "Snooze," a continuation of the tradition of spoofing one of the Minnow's promotional publications. My colleague who retired in March got it printed up on tabloid paper and also had the page with our fake "retirement" press release in a mat for folks to sign as a card.
I felt like i was under water during the event, an observer of people engaged in a medium unfamiliar to me. Part of that, i think, is that after ten years i'm still "new" and "young."
And maybe that's it: the party returned me to a world of my work-childhood.
From my blurts at the gathering, I clearly remain distressed over some of the gender dynamics at the Whale (watching strong women laid off or moved out of the way).
One of my observations of going off prozac is that i frequently have a "Fuck you World" and "Fuck you Whale" refrain going on in my mind. This is better, i'll note, than the sort of self damaging thoughts i had when i was a graduate student: i was so amazed when the continual flow of visualization of being flayed just stopped with a pill. I observe the growth i've made over the twenty years. Instead of self harm, i now am experiencing anger.
The issue i have with the "world" is generally more an issue with various discomforts. I'm using the big stick steroid cream on my hands and feet, i don't know what to do about my scalp, and the most sensitive area is recovering from stupidly following my doctor's blithe advice. I now have no doubt that the over the counter solution she suggest causes a reaction and creates a raw weeping area. See, here is where the refrain, "Fuck the world," comes up: frustration and anger at physical issues that mainly make life uncomfortable and unpleasant.
"Fuck the Whale?" Well, I'll know in a couple of hours how unreasonable my new director is going to be about some deployment tasks. There's a major client who is turning up the pressure on the Whale, and this program i'm part of is under a great deal of examination for how process is managed. I've spent the past two years screeching about poor communication, no transparency, lack of clarity: now the client is. And now everyone is squirming to make it better. The flailing persecuted energy from the folks interfacing with the clients is no improvement to the communication and transparency issues: they just demand those behaviors from the teams now.
Yeah, Fuck you, Whale.
What to do with this anger? I need to grow through it. While there are surely organizations out there that are less dysfunctional, what i need to learn is how to transmute my anger. Even in a less dysfunctional organization, i will likely become irritated. And i'll note that the first round of anger, mainly at my skin, doesn't have "run away" as an option. **
I have a five year timeline in which i want to develop an understanding of how to organize human systems into places people can thrive. Part of that is going to be learning how to transmute my anger into an energy i can use.
Anger currently seems like heat energy, waste energy, friction. There must be some emotional and mental aikido where i can take the energy of whatever is causing the anger and redirect it, elegantly and nonviolently, back into itself to heal.
I think that's a statement of faith. I don't know how well founded it is.
** Please don't suggest that the work place causes stress that causes the flares. I get that. I recognize i have choices and can leave. I check in with that choice fairly often.
--==∞==--
Meanwhile, i feel like work is demanding a great deal of me time-wise.
I'm hoping that will change. I need to put on my wheel of the year the May-end-of-fiscal-year corporate panic time. I appreciate that i am not working at a publicly traded company that has to make quarterly numbers.
I felt like i was under water during the event, an observer of people engaged in a medium unfamiliar to me. Part of that, i think, is that after ten years i'm still "new" and "young."
And maybe that's it: the party returned me to a world of my work-childhood.
From my blurts at the gathering, I clearly remain distressed over some of the gender dynamics at the Whale (watching strong women laid off or moved out of the way).
One of my observations of going off prozac is that i frequently have a "Fuck you World" and "Fuck you Whale" refrain going on in my mind. This is better, i'll note, than the sort of self damaging thoughts i had when i was a graduate student: i was so amazed when the continual flow of visualization of being flayed just stopped with a pill. I observe the growth i've made over the twenty years. Instead of self harm, i now am experiencing anger.
The issue i have with the "world" is generally more an issue with various discomforts. I'm using the big stick steroid cream on my hands and feet, i don't know what to do about my scalp, and the most sensitive area is recovering from stupidly following my doctor's blithe advice. I now have no doubt that the over the counter solution she suggest causes a reaction and creates a raw weeping area. See, here is where the refrain, "Fuck the world," comes up: frustration and anger at physical issues that mainly make life uncomfortable and unpleasant.
"Fuck the Whale?" Well, I'll know in a couple of hours how unreasonable my new director is going to be about some deployment tasks. There's a major client who is turning up the pressure on the Whale, and this program i'm part of is under a great deal of examination for how process is managed. I've spent the past two years screeching about poor communication, no transparency, lack of clarity: now the client is. And now everyone is squirming to make it better. The flailing persecuted energy from the folks interfacing with the clients is no improvement to the communication and transparency issues: they just demand those behaviors from the teams now.
Yeah, Fuck you, Whale.
What to do with this anger? I need to grow through it. While there are surely organizations out there that are less dysfunctional, what i need to learn is how to transmute my anger. Even in a less dysfunctional organization, i will likely become irritated. And i'll note that the first round of anger, mainly at my skin, doesn't have "run away" as an option. **
I have a five year timeline in which i want to develop an understanding of how to organize human systems into places people can thrive. Part of that is going to be learning how to transmute my anger into an energy i can use.
Anger currently seems like heat energy, waste energy, friction. There must be some emotional and mental aikido where i can take the energy of whatever is causing the anger and redirect it, elegantly and nonviolently, back into itself to heal.
I think that's a statement of faith. I don't know how well founded it is.
** Please don't suggest that the work place causes stress that causes the flares. I get that. I recognize i have choices and can leave. I check in with that choice fairly often.
--==∞==--
Meanwhile, i feel like work is demanding a great deal of me time-wise.
I'm hoping that will change. I need to put on my wheel of the year the May-end-of-fiscal-year corporate panic time. I appreciate that i am not working at a publicly traded company that has to make quarterly numbers.
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