elainegrey

I discovered why i shouldn't listen to the audio fiction of the Mary Russell books on the drive home: the half hour is long enough to pull me into the universe, and then a little bit of me is yearning to go back and find out what happens next.

I do have a couple history books i bought ages ago: perhaps i will return to those texts.

Yesterday morning i opened my email to find that the Alternatives to Violence program was having a training program in the North Bay over the summer solstice weekend. That weekend is right between design and planning weeks. A bit of me rose up and spoke, "A weekend program will always be at a 'bad time.' Better to take it on in the height of the light with a vacation planned a few weeks later than any other time." I reminded myself that if the program was too intense i could take walks, step away from interactions. So, i found a somewhat inexpensive hotel in the north bay. There was an offer of hospitality, but staying with others in the area would be more interaction time when i will need to retreat to quiet. There is a county campground with two available spaces, but between the somewhat expensive price for the campground and the limited daylight time outside of the program (schedule is Fri 5:30p - 9p, Sat 8:30a - 8:30p, Sun 8:30a-3p) it seemed unlikely i would get any of the restorative benefits of camping.

I may still chicken out of attending the program, leaving me with a weekend retreat to the North Bay. That might just be delightful.

Yesterday afternoon i was moody with work disappointment and procrastination, and Christine had a somewhat disappointing meeting with the dean of the school at which she's been working.

I did take a little time to cull some photos from April 15th at the Sunnyvale Baylands walk, and processed some of a radar station by saturating the color. The new camera's large photo sizes are so large that i need to practice replacing the images with reduced images when the images are not particularly special. I know i have paid for some instruction: i have a block about following through on that gift for myself.

Last evening we had a little party for my ex Boss. I'd spent over five hours learning Illustrator and putting together a Minnow "Snooze," a continuation of the tradition of spoofing one of the Minnow's promotional publications. My colleague who retired in March got it printed up on tabloid paper and also had the page with our fake "retirement" press release in a mat for folks to sign as a card.

I felt like i was under water during the event, an observer of people engaged in a medium unfamiliar to me. Part of that, i think, is that after ten years i'm still "new" and "young."

And maybe that's it: the party returned me to a world of my work-childhood.

From my blurts at the gathering, I clearly remain distressed over some of the gender dynamics at the Whale (watching strong women laid off or moved out of the way).

( Without prozac, a refrain of f-bombs as i have constant low level anger )

What to do with this anger? I need to grow through it. While there are surely organizations out there that are less dysfunctional, what i need to learn is how to transmute my anger. Even in a less dysfunctional organization, i will likely become irritated. And i'll note that the first round of anger, mainly at my skin, doesn't have "run away" as an option. **

I have a five year timeline in which i want to develop an understanding of how to organize human systems into places people can thrive. Part of that is going to be learning how to transmute my anger into an energy i can use.

Anger currently seems like heat energy, waste energy, friction. There must be some emotional and mental aikido where i can take the energy of whatever is causing the anger and redirect it, elegantly and nonviolently, back into itself to heal.

I think that's a statement of faith. I don't know how well founded it is.

** Please don't suggest that the work place causes stress that causes the flares. I get that. I recognize i have choices and can leave. I check in with that choice fairly often.

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Meanwhile, i feel like work is demanding a great deal of me time-wise.

I'm hoping that will change. I need to put on my wheel of the year the May-end-of-fiscal-year corporate panic time. I appreciate that i am not working at a publicly traded company that has to make quarterly numbers.