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On Monday this week, i spent an hour on the phone with my sister, distraught about how far away my brother is in so many ways.
On Tuesday, my sister sent me a bright and cheerful bouquet of yellow roses and daisies, thanking me for listening.
Yesterday, i got a call from my brother around 6:30. Could he meet up with me in the evening for desert? It would be late, 8:30 or so?
I left the flowers out and prayed that if he asked me about the flowers i would be able to say the right thing about my sister's heartache. There's a balancing act, i knew: he's still grieving the loss of his son-to-be. What to say that was honest, that was not a blaming statement? What could i say that would come from my own experience and be helpful in connecting...? I didn't know.
At 9, he showed up, talking fast: he'd been interrupted since our call with new work events, he had to make a call in a handful of minutes and then again in an hour or so. (I realized the work i had procrastinated on doing still had a chance of being done.) He hadn't eaten, could we go somewhere close for dinner and he could take his calls in the parking lot?
The first i'd seen of him this year was when he was taking calls in a parking lot. Unnecessary, i claimed, i'd fix him dinner, he could talk here. Could he have power? Could he have wifi? I laugh, because it's the hospitality Christine and i need when we travel. We had three hours together, over half of which was him on the phone (and i got the partial-rollback plan and new testing elements added to my install plan in time for east coast folks to test this morning).
--==∞==--
I'm in an odd place in the family drama: the chorus, perhaps? I have the capacity now to listen without being pulled along and caught up. I'm not entirely disengaged: witnessing a few hours in my brother's life, i ask whether it's representative and we talk about his awareness of the demands he's got on him.
I wonder about my responsibility: it would be easy to frame his behavior as that of the culturally accepted addictions to work. Should i stage an intervention? Yet listening to him, i hear how he is dedicated to the next two days being spent with his sons, how he & his wife are negotiating their grief and their response. I know he's causing my sister and parents pain, and i know i've had to make a compact with myself[1] so i won't feel abused. But wait! Is he causing them pain? I think of my own reaction: i recognized the anger and resentment i was developing over his short notice invitations that often made me feel scrambled. It was my anger, my pain, and i took responsibility for it.
I think i am following right action by being detached from any expectations: i cannot expect my sister, my parents to choose the same relationship path i've taken, i cannot expect my brother to value communication with the family the way i do. I can listen and be open and connect with them all, but i'm not a bridge or conduit across the gaps they see.
II think i've learned enmeshment so deeply, that i hesitate and feel uncertain, feel guilty, that i'm not in turmoil.
[1] Because he is Mr Available-only-on-short-notice, i often find myself invited to drop my life for a narrow chance to see him. I've committed to myself that if i have Meeting commitments or other significant commitments, i will decline his offer so that i don't feel resentful of his short planning horizon.
On Tuesday, my sister sent me a bright and cheerful bouquet of yellow roses and daisies, thanking me for listening.
Yesterday, i got a call from my brother around 6:30. Could he meet up with me in the evening for desert? It would be late, 8:30 or so?
I left the flowers out and prayed that if he asked me about the flowers i would be able to say the right thing about my sister's heartache. There's a balancing act, i knew: he's still grieving the loss of his son-to-be. What to say that was honest, that was not a blaming statement? What could i say that would come from my own experience and be helpful in connecting...? I didn't know.
At 9, he showed up, talking fast: he'd been interrupted since our call with new work events, he had to make a call in a handful of minutes and then again in an hour or so. (I realized the work i had procrastinated on doing still had a chance of being done.) He hadn't eaten, could we go somewhere close for dinner and he could take his calls in the parking lot?
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| From iShareMe |
The first i'd seen of him this year was when he was taking calls in a parking lot. Unnecessary, i claimed, i'd fix him dinner, he could talk here. Could he have power? Could he have wifi? I laugh, because it's the hospitality Christine and i need when we travel. We had three hours together, over half of which was him on the phone (and i got the partial-rollback plan and new testing elements added to my install plan in time for east coast folks to test this morning).
--==∞==--
I'm in an odd place in the family drama: the chorus, perhaps? I have the capacity now to listen without being pulled along and caught up. I'm not entirely disengaged: witnessing a few hours in my brother's life, i ask whether it's representative and we talk about his awareness of the demands he's got on him.
I wonder about my responsibility: it would be easy to frame his behavior as that of the culturally accepted addictions to work. Should i stage an intervention? Yet listening to him, i hear how he is dedicated to the next two days being spent with his sons, how he & his wife are negotiating their grief and their response. I know he's causing my sister and parents pain, and i know i've had to make a compact with myself[1] so i won't feel abused. But wait! Is he causing them pain? I think of my own reaction: i recognized the anger and resentment i was developing over his short notice invitations that often made me feel scrambled. It was my anger, my pain, and i took responsibility for it.
I think i am following right action by being detached from any expectations: i cannot expect my sister, my parents to choose the same relationship path i've taken, i cannot expect my brother to value communication with the family the way i do. I can listen and be open and connect with them all, but i'm not a bridge or conduit across the gaps they see.
II think i've learned enmeshment so deeply, that i hesitate and feel uncertain, feel guilty, that i'm not in turmoil.
[1] Because he is Mr Available-only-on-short-notice, i often find myself invited to drop my life for a narrow chance to see him. I've committed to myself that if i have Meeting commitments or other significant commitments, i will decline his offer so that i don't feel resentful of his short planning horizon.
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