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I find myself really wanting to hold up a stupid, uncaring comment from another so i may have "everyone" agree that it really isn't that witty and it is very much that stupid. I'm certain i don't need others seeing the FaceBook comment appended to something i wrote, so i deleted it. And i won't give in to my desire to have others share my indignation. The indignation has pretty much run its course by now, and i've found the personal concern, my own worry, that made the indignation so strong.
I've finally learned to process with much less writing. The text box still helps a great deal, but i find that i need to write much less, that my thoughts move much more quickly through the learned patterns of processing, that i move through the onion skin layers of emotional reaction much more quickly. I don't need to write as much to access the feelings, experience them, and let them go.
It helps that the turmoil around my coming out* has faded away, with only a few snags left on my mother's family's side. I've so much distance from them all that the emotional load is light.
There are things i want to record, so i can come back and find when certain things happened and the context in which i make certain decision. For example, yesterday i called my sister to let her vent about the "venomous bitch" who is my Aunt P. L says she's confused by Aunt P because sometimes she very mean and complaining, and sometimes she is very open and honest with L. I hear that and think the confusing thing is that Aunt P has her shields up most of the time but makes her self vulnerable with L. L is likely to be honest with Aunt P during those times, but not mean. (That is, unlikely to tell Aunt P as she told me that P is a "venomous bitch.")
Cousin T had been planning for a month, at least, to visit my parents with her daughters, and Aunt P invited herself along. When i was in NC on the 19th, it appeared my parents had just discovered indirectly that that was the plan. Meanwhile, my brother had bought my mother a ticket to California for much same time period, leaving Dad and my sister L to entertain T and her daughters. The discovery that Aunt P was coming had Dad looking like he'd been sentenced to a fate worse than death.
Apparently P and T complained about the abundance of food and the abundance of dishes (and i note that many of those dishes my mother wanted to borrow from P for entertaining during L's wedding, but P sold them to my mom).
I did ask L if T is shielding my and Christine's existence from her daughters. P had written a very horrible note to me after our coming out, particularly saying she didn't want her grandchildren knowing about us; later she seemed to want to retract it without acknowledging it. L says she doesn't know, she can't tell. Apparently gifts to the daughters are universally a black hole of no acknowledgement: it's not just me.
My feelings about all this are mild: a great deal of sympathy for my sister and father for having to deal with Aunt P, and a clinical note that my family rarely call her down on her bad behavior.
It does remind me how much rote familial interaction i engage in. The dynamics of my mother's family were so toxic i went into a deep shell shielded by books when we visited or were visiting. My grandmother was the sweetness in much of the poison, manipulative but sweet, and she's long dead. I'm left with pairs of aunts and uncles, two cousins, and my grandfather and his vibrant second wife. I saw my grandparents close to monthly growing up, my cousins a little less frequently, and my then single aunt rarely. After i went to college, though, the rest of my family moved to the same area and my aunt moved in with my parents and they all had much more time deepening the toxic bonds.
it is very odd to have such a different experience of the extended family from the rest of my family.
All this is context for a decision i need to make in the next few months, plans for travel in November, plans to visit the Orlando area by myself to see my grandfather (who may be fading) and potentially see much of the clan.
I need to frame the reason for this travel for myself, and i think i want to frame it as hope. Hope that as a distanced adult, not engaged or invested in the toxicity (because as a child i withdrew and as an adult i've been physically distanced), i might have an authentic interaction with any of them -- particularly my grandfather.
My mom offered up that i should visit if i had anything to say to him: i think i will go to listen.
......................
*Christine relationship with her older siblings would be problematic, i believe, even if she didn't have coming out to strain things. In a way, i think Christine's coming out forced them to open their eyes to her authentic self in a way that they would not have otherwise. There's some turmoil in those relationships: it's hard to tease out which is "just" sibling issues and which is due to coming out.
I've finally learned to process with much less writing. The text box still helps a great deal, but i find that i need to write much less, that my thoughts move much more quickly through the learned patterns of processing, that i move through the onion skin layers of emotional reaction much more quickly. I don't need to write as much to access the feelings, experience them, and let them go.
It helps that the turmoil around my coming out* has faded away, with only a few snags left on my mother's family's side. I've so much distance from them all that the emotional load is light.
There are things i want to record, so i can come back and find when certain things happened and the context in which i make certain decision. For example, yesterday i called my sister to let her vent about the "venomous bitch" who is my Aunt P. L says she's confused by Aunt P because sometimes she very mean and complaining, and sometimes she is very open and honest with L. I hear that and think the confusing thing is that Aunt P has her shields up most of the time but makes her self vulnerable with L. L is likely to be honest with Aunt P during those times, but not mean. (That is, unlikely to tell Aunt P as she told me that P is a "venomous bitch.")
Cousin T had been planning for a month, at least, to visit my parents with her daughters, and Aunt P invited herself along. When i was in NC on the 19th, it appeared my parents had just discovered indirectly that that was the plan. Meanwhile, my brother had bought my mother a ticket to California for much same time period, leaving Dad and my sister L to entertain T and her daughters. The discovery that Aunt P was coming had Dad looking like he'd been sentenced to a fate worse than death.
Apparently P and T complained about the abundance of food and the abundance of dishes (and i note that many of those dishes my mother wanted to borrow from P for entertaining during L's wedding, but P sold them to my mom).
I did ask L if T is shielding my and Christine's existence from her daughters. P had written a very horrible note to me after our coming out, particularly saying she didn't want her grandchildren knowing about us; later she seemed to want to retract it without acknowledging it. L says she doesn't know, she can't tell. Apparently gifts to the daughters are universally a black hole of no acknowledgement: it's not just me.
My feelings about all this are mild: a great deal of sympathy for my sister and father for having to deal with Aunt P, and a clinical note that my family rarely call her down on her bad behavior.
It does remind me how much rote familial interaction i engage in. The dynamics of my mother's family were so toxic i went into a deep shell shielded by books when we visited or were visiting. My grandmother was the sweetness in much of the poison, manipulative but sweet, and she's long dead. I'm left with pairs of aunts and uncles, two cousins, and my grandfather and his vibrant second wife. I saw my grandparents close to monthly growing up, my cousins a little less frequently, and my then single aunt rarely. After i went to college, though, the rest of my family moved to the same area and my aunt moved in with my parents and they all had much more time deepening the toxic bonds.
it is very odd to have such a different experience of the extended family from the rest of my family.
All this is context for a decision i need to make in the next few months, plans for travel in November, plans to visit the Orlando area by myself to see my grandfather (who may be fading) and potentially see much of the clan.
I need to frame the reason for this travel for myself, and i think i want to frame it as hope. Hope that as a distanced adult, not engaged or invested in the toxicity (because as a child i withdrew and as an adult i've been physically distanced), i might have an authentic interaction with any of them -- particularly my grandfather.
My mom offered up that i should visit if i had anything to say to him: i think i will go to listen.
......................
*Christine relationship with her older siblings would be problematic, i believe, even if she didn't have coming out to strain things. In a way, i think Christine's coming out forced them to open their eyes to her authentic self in a way that they would not have otherwise. There's some turmoil in those relationships: it's hard to tease out which is "just" sibling issues and which is due to coming out.
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How's Mr. M? I trust you're giving him lots of attention to make up for having moved in his new brother.
M
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