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This morning, caught up with some email and Facebook. A Florida relative is an obsessive Facebook user: she had news that my grandfather could have probably been eating for four days except the professional who said he needed a swallow test before eating went off shift for four days and folks waited for her to come back before feeding.
I have so many levels of irritation around this, but the most fundamental is the knowledge that, if my grandfather had not become so verbally abusive to his children over the past few years, his children would be sitting in that room with him around the clock advocating for his care.
--==∞==--
So, my medication shift. I just don't know. I have had despairing feelings about work on Monday and Wednesday. I suppose i should try to practice some mindfulness about what i'm telling myself, and not just assume that i can't change off prozac. I am aware how much i feel frustrated about how in my absence some key things were dropped, and i am countering the self talk that says i shouldn't go on vacation. I don't think the existential reflections of yesterday morning would have occurred if i wasn't wrestling with my judgements about my grandfather and how he's facing the end of his life.
I know the vacation -- where i truly do just Let Go -- and the return is jarring. The answer is not to Hold On through a period of rest: the question is in my constant battle with Overwhelm.
Perhaps i want to be someone i am truly not. I want to maintain connections with others, but maybe i am just not wired that way. [Thoughts about claiming hermit status began here.]
Hmm, as i think about the feeling that is prompting that reflection, it feels like it is not authentic. I suspect it is a depression thought. I remind my self, there were years of my mother telling me i don't care about people -- and look! I have grown and healed so i don't question that i do care. I know i care, and i'm not fighting those early messages any more. Now i am questioning my capacity. It's true i have limits, and it's true that it's possible my values may lead me to want to go beyond those limits. The response is not to say, "If i can't have it all, i'm not going to try." The response is like the one i am having with my tendon: acknowledging the tension between desire and limit, having compassion for the effects of approaching the limit, stretching and practicing, learning new ways that are more "ergonomic."
The good news is i'm feeling. It might be "despair" but it's not overwhelming despair but the emotional signal that there is some self talk to which i need to attend. It is like the ache in my ankle, and just like i had to not walk for a while, i used prozac to hold that feeling off for a while. Now, just like my tendon aches off and on, i have a bit of heart ache.
Ok off to my responsibilities.
I have so many levels of irritation around this, but the most fundamental is the knowledge that, if my grandfather had not become so verbally abusive to his children over the past few years, his children would be sitting in that room with him around the clock advocating for his care.
--==∞==--
So, my medication shift. I just don't know. I have had despairing feelings about work on Monday and Wednesday. I suppose i should try to practice some mindfulness about what i'm telling myself, and not just assume that i can't change off prozac. I am aware how much i feel frustrated about how in my absence some key things were dropped, and i am countering the self talk that says i shouldn't go on vacation. I don't think the existential reflections of yesterday morning would have occurred if i wasn't wrestling with my judgements about my grandfather and how he's facing the end of his life.
I know the vacation -- where i truly do just Let Go -- and the return is jarring. The answer is not to Hold On through a period of rest: the question is in my constant battle with Overwhelm.
Perhaps i want to be someone i am truly not. I want to maintain connections with others, but maybe i am just not wired that way. [Thoughts about claiming hermit status began here.]
Hmm, as i think about the feeling that is prompting that reflection, it feels like it is not authentic. I suspect it is a depression thought. I remind my self, there were years of my mother telling me i don't care about people -- and look! I have grown and healed so i don't question that i do care. I know i care, and i'm not fighting those early messages any more. Now i am questioning my capacity. It's true i have limits, and it's true that it's possible my values may lead me to want to go beyond those limits. The response is not to say, "If i can't have it all, i'm not going to try." The response is like the one i am having with my tendon: acknowledging the tension between desire and limit, having compassion for the effects of approaching the limit, stretching and practicing, learning new ways that are more "ergonomic."
The good news is i'm feeling. It might be "despair" but it's not overwhelming despair but the emotional signal that there is some self talk to which i need to attend. It is like the ache in my ankle, and just like i had to not walk for a while, i used prozac to hold that feeling off for a while. Now, just like my tendon aches off and on, i have a bit of heart ache.
Ok off to my responsibilities.
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