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I am home and recovering from the festivities, including the 22 hours of driving and nine hours of airport fun since Monday morning.
I've occasionally checked folks' journals over the past nine days, but it's not been easy. If there's anything i should read or see or know, do feel free to point things out. (Great celebration photos? Particularly powerful recipes? Serious health changes?) (![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
quietwillow -- you've been in my thoughts.)
My journaling for the past handful of days is after the cut.
Afternoon Sunday: I feel both terribly guilty and just right at this moment. Christine and i are encamped on beanbag chairs in the room where the wedding was, keeping the aged dog company as everyone else has gone off. The dog sleeps near us (Christine is sleeping, too) and then gets up to check out the perimeter. I'm cold: the ceiling fans are running, but i can't bear the thought of getting up.
I am terribly guilty because there is a list of things to do on my mind, from work for the Friends Meeting (setting up some clearness committees) to seeing a local friends. The vacuum sits out in the middle of the floor, autumn leaves crumbling into the carpet, chairs on racks needing to be put up.
We really ought to take the dog out for a walk.
I haven't been alone with my thoughts since the flight on Tuesday. And then, most of my thoughts were just simply suduko solving.
***
"Morning" Monday: It's what my family calls o'dark thirty. Except it's just o'dark: my dad woke me up thirty minutes in advance. It was quite easy: i was certainly primed for an early awakending and had satisfactiorily fallen asleep very quickly rather early last night. (Nine pm?) So, i've had six hours sleep. Mom is getting an article (a recipe) together for some newsletter: i watch my training in procrastination. Earlier this trip, as we set up the wireless, i watched how my father becomes panicked.
***
Morning, Tuesday, Tampa: I think my mother's been tossing and turning since four am. I certainly was awakened then and had to send myself back to sleep. When my morning music came on she was delighted and was going to sit and listen, but my Dad called promptly at six. I thought it was sweet the way he called her off and on over the trip, and i continue to be a little saddened as she sees his expressions of affection as weakness. All in all, riding with her was pleasnant and good. I tried to change the subject -- and without elegance -- when things were going too far down Dad-does-this stories. Sadly, i was the one who could not help but say a few sniped comments at my Aunt P. While i'd like to say she should get a pass because she is grieving the loss of her mother, her torrent of negativity is what i remember my whole life.
And, having sniped once at particularly egregious moments of her pointing out motes in others eyes as the beam was projecting from her own, i think i'll leave it at that.
Seeing my Aunt J was good, and i suprised myself by relaying hugs from Christine to her and her spouse. Somehow, the warmth seemed warranted. I suppose i have a hope that Christine and i might see them in California, even if it means watching Christine and Aunt J's spouse get in some political debate. Who knows, maybe they'd find curmudgeonly common ground despite the liberal conservative divide.
I rather was pleased not to see my cousin T or her husband. They seem to live on another planet, some parallel planet of pretty people. Cousin T was taking her eldest to cheerleading practice while her youngest was there to recieve us and accept the china from my mother's mother's side of the family. While i didn't mind listening to the stories my aunts shared (except for the poisonous negativity of my Aunt P), i was beginning to feel sorry for myself in not having anyone ask questions about me and Christine. Seeing T and hearing again about her daughters' cheerleading would have taken me to the point where i'd keep score.
Dinner with my grandfather and his spouse was just fine. I'm not sure Mom knws she did it, but there she just peppered L with questions about her children. I understand Granddad isn't hearing well, but this is mom's admitted filling in the silence. On the other hand, in the last minutes of our visit Granddad was able to ask the questions he wanted to: why haven't we bought a home, why wasn't my husband travelling with me.
Would i, will i make this trek with Christine were we not in the closet with my grandfather? We did once, in 2002, before Christine transitioned: we flew to Tampa and drove up the east coast to Philly stopping to see family and friends along the whole way. (It's been too long since we've seen friends!) Christine did join me for Grandmama's 90th birthday, when i did see Granddad for a meal as well.
Making the trip with my mother seems much more sensible, especially as the friends in Florida now live in the DC area and those in South Carolina live in Wales. Perhaps i'll plan another more pleasant road trip to take with her sometime.
Looks like someone other than my Mom and i are stirring. Today is one long daytime drive back from Tampa.
I've occasionally checked folks' journals over the past nine days, but it's not been easy. If there's anything i should read or see or know, do feel free to point things out. (Great celebration photos? Particularly powerful recipes? Serious health changes?) (
quietwillow -- you've been in my thoughts.)My journaling for the past handful of days is after the cut.
Afternoon Sunday: I feel both terribly guilty and just right at this moment. Christine and i are encamped on beanbag chairs in the room where the wedding was, keeping the aged dog company as everyone else has gone off. The dog sleeps near us (Christine is sleeping, too) and then gets up to check out the perimeter. I'm cold: the ceiling fans are running, but i can't bear the thought of getting up.
I am terribly guilty because there is a list of things to do on my mind, from work for the Friends Meeting (setting up some clearness committees) to seeing a local friends. The vacuum sits out in the middle of the floor, autumn leaves crumbling into the carpet, chairs on racks needing to be put up.
We really ought to take the dog out for a walk.
I haven't been alone with my thoughts since the flight on Tuesday. And then, most of my thoughts were just simply suduko solving.
***
"Morning" Monday: It's what my family calls o'dark thirty. Except it's just o'dark: my dad woke me up thirty minutes in advance. It was quite easy: i was certainly primed for an early awakending and had satisfactiorily fallen asleep very quickly rather early last night. (Nine pm?) So, i've had six hours sleep. Mom is getting an article (a recipe) together for some newsletter: i watch my training in procrastination. Earlier this trip, as we set up the wireless, i watched how my father becomes panicked.
***
Morning, Tuesday, Tampa: I think my mother's been tossing and turning since four am. I certainly was awakened then and had to send myself back to sleep. When my morning music came on she was delighted and was going to sit and listen, but my Dad called promptly at six. I thought it was sweet the way he called her off and on over the trip, and i continue to be a little saddened as she sees his expressions of affection as weakness. All in all, riding with her was pleasnant and good. I tried to change the subject -- and without elegance -- when things were going too far down Dad-does-this stories. Sadly, i was the one who could not help but say a few sniped comments at my Aunt P. While i'd like to say she should get a pass because she is grieving the loss of her mother, her torrent of negativity is what i remember my whole life.
And, having sniped once at particularly egregious moments of her pointing out motes in others eyes as the beam was projecting from her own, i think i'll leave it at that.
Seeing my Aunt J was good, and i suprised myself by relaying hugs from Christine to her and her spouse. Somehow, the warmth seemed warranted. I suppose i have a hope that Christine and i might see them in California, even if it means watching Christine and Aunt J's spouse get in some political debate. Who knows, maybe they'd find curmudgeonly common ground despite the liberal conservative divide.
I rather was pleased not to see my cousin T or her husband. They seem to live on another planet, some parallel planet of pretty people. Cousin T was taking her eldest to cheerleading practice while her youngest was there to recieve us and accept the china from my mother's mother's side of the family. While i didn't mind listening to the stories my aunts shared (except for the poisonous negativity of my Aunt P), i was beginning to feel sorry for myself in not having anyone ask questions about me and Christine. Seeing T and hearing again about her daughters' cheerleading would have taken me to the point where i'd keep score.
Dinner with my grandfather and his spouse was just fine. I'm not sure Mom knws she did it, but there she just peppered L with questions about her children. I understand Granddad isn't hearing well, but this is mom's admitted filling in the silence. On the other hand, in the last minutes of our visit Granddad was able to ask the questions he wanted to: why haven't we bought a home, why wasn't my husband travelling with me.
Would i, will i make this trek with Christine were we not in the closet with my grandfather? We did once, in 2002, before Christine transitioned: we flew to Tampa and drove up the east coast to Philly stopping to see family and friends along the whole way. (It's been too long since we've seen friends!) Christine did join me for Grandmama's 90th birthday, when i did see Granddad for a meal as well.
Making the trip with my mother seems much more sensible, especially as the friends in Florida now live in the DC area and those in South Carolina live in Wales. Perhaps i'll plan another more pleasant road trip to take with her sometime.
Looks like someone other than my Mom and i are stirring. Today is one long daytime drive back from Tampa.