Mental Health (depression, critter watch, cats)

[elainegrey]

So midafternoon, working in the yard today, i was overcome with a sense of despair. So much to do, so out of time, energy.

Showering later, i wondered if the despair was triggered by >> fear << as i used the flame thrower to kill weeds. Yesterday's rain wasn't nearly enough to be protective, and the air was blissfully dry (and breezy). The morning dew was past (except in the orchard, which would have been still too wet too mow), and i worried. I had had such ambitions on Saturday, but now nothing seemed safe.

Fear? Or just sensible apprehension of risk? I dunno.

--== ∞ ==--

A white cat with a black tail was at the back of the orchard this morning when i tried calling Marlowe in for breakfast. I called to them, and they slowly walked off into the woods, Marlowe standing on her hind legs watching them leave. Moments later i heard a deer snort in surprise, and then a little later, another snort. Christine has named the cat Ghost, and we've now set out food. I wonder if it was just walking through.

Later in the afternoon, a deer galloped through the yard. I don't think it saw me: it was out in the brilliant sun and i was in the deep shadow on the north side of the house. Rutting season already?

--== ∞ ==--

I recently read a column in the NY Times about mental illness. The author had been recently diagnosed with adult ADHD, so i clicked the link to the list of symptoms in women.

I was... surprised... at how familiar they were.

Me: WTF Buttercup, i read https://www.additudemag.com/adhd-symptoms-in-women/ and think -- these are symptoms? I thought this was life?

Sister: Uhhhhhhhh… all of us. Did I tell you about my talk with E-- (RE:adhd). I think mom, you, [brother], and me all have it!

I continue surprised. (Also, i really don't know how to parse my sister's response, exactly.)

I have pondered that i might have a little dyslexia: left vs right and number and letter order have been challenges. At one point i read a little about what a diagnosis would mean. Ah, learning to cope. Which i have. Here, all the advice for adults with inattentive ADHD sounds like familiar things i have tried and try with respect to time management.

I don't know that a label will help me. But it was surprising to read these aren't normal.

It does bring to mind the moment i realized that most people _don't_ have thoughts of ...it isn't what some people think of as suicide, but it's a type of thinking about death more like suicide than not.




• Often fails to give close attention to details or makes careless mistakes: this is a curious one for me. There are many details i notice. And i create huge infrastructures to try and make sure i don't miss important details.

• Often has difficulty sustaining attention: nope. Except, i sure can go off on tangents.

• Often does not seem to listen when spoken to: Certainly my parents accused me of this

• Often does not follow through on instructions and fails to finish projects: so many unfinished projects. Work and here. I am lucky i have fallen into a role where this isn't a significant issue.

• Often has difficulty organizing tasks and activities: i work hard to be organized

• Often avoids, dislikes, or is reluctant to engage in tasks that require sustained mental effort: um, so not me.

• Often loses things necessary for tasks or activities: like leaving a shovel at the end of one row and then looking all through the garage for it ten minutes later?

• Is often easily distracted by extraneous stimuli: i think i can wall out the world when i am doing something like writing or reading.

• Is often forgetful in daily activities: yes, hence SO MANY LISTS.

Comments

[snippy]

Here's how I think about a lot of those examples: of course I have them. If I didn't, I wouldn't have worked so hard to create structures and habits that ensure I'm not at their mercy.

[elainegrey]

For me, habits have been near impossible to develop. I am happy to get an idea why habits are so hard.

[yourlibrarian]

Interesting list. I suspect I was taking a screening survey for it this past week given some of the questions.

[elainegrey]

My sister and i were discussing whether diagnosis earlier would have been helpful, and i am tempted to think not. Older books seem to have been a bit of "here's how to do time management" (which is what i've read and learned ans studied and studied for ages and ages) and it's not not knowing how to do time management, it's succeeding at doing time management.

[tamena]

my youngest was diagnosed with ADHD in 1st grade when she moved to public school
it was rough and not widely recognized at that point in girls - all the school related people said she was just a problem child. We paid a small fortune to get her to a specialist who only had dealt with about 10 girls at that point, gave my kid all the tests they gave boys and she was off the chart with her DX. It was rough for all of us growing up because "girls just don't have ADHD" (told to us hundreds of times) and I had to fight for her constantly.
I wouldn't change a thing about my incredibly talented, smart, intense, artistic, amazing daughter and was glad we were able to help her like we did.
I think a lot more people have ADHD than realize it honestly

[elainegrey]

It's certainly occurred to me that more have it -- especially as my brother, sister, and i discuss our mother and her mother. The diagnostic requirement to have an "impairment" seems ... not necessarily helpful. Maybe that's changed in the past ten years since the book i read was written.

[annie_r]

I guess I never thought of you as possibly-ADHD, but there is such a spectrum. And a lot of overlap with other neurodiversity, i.e. ASD. Women and girls are socialized to sit quietly (even if tuned out), check impulsive behavior, etc. The diagnosis made a lot of sense for me, but it was so many small things that I am still finding out are not just me being odd, like my inability to plan food (on WiT slack we have an ADHD-food channel; it is reassuring.)

I didn't think I had time-blindness because I was trained in 'hurry up and wait' from an early age. If I needed to be somewhere, I'd be hours early. A middday appointment would make me unable to do anything else that day. I watched clocks constantly. NYC was easier b/c I knew how long the subway route would take. So much anxiety. I mentioned to my therapist that I had absolutely no idea how long anything took, and she seemed a bit surprised, so I guess other people can plan how long things will likely take? But hyperfocus? Yes, it saves me almost daily.

I wish I had known that sitting in a huge lecture hall for several hours with an overhead projector would mean zero learning for me, and I might just as well read the book and not show up to class.
I have so many examples of these things that turn out to be at least very common among ADHD women.

I enjoy https://www.reddit.com/r/ADHDmemes/

[annie_r]

Also https://www.adhddd.com/comics/

[elainegrey]

Definitely a spectrum, and some fascinating ways things play out. The hyperfocus my brother refers to as his super power and Achilles heel - and explains a little of the flakiness my sister and i roll our eyes over. Christine thinks that some of the conversational behaviors we siblings have (which probably involve interruptions and monologues).

My sister and i are pondering the friendship effects, which i've seen implied in a number of documents. I'm curious what that's about. My sister was in tears as she shared with me how her two best friends have a much different relationship than she has with them and another ex-friend who sat her down and told her what a bad friend she was.

I'd love to chat with you about it sometime. And thanks for the comics link -- it's encouraged me.

[annie_r]

Does your sister know about Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria? It's not a "real" diagnosis as recognized by established psychiatry, but so many of us identify strongly. And that ex-friend of hers, ugh.

https://www.additudemag.com/rejection-sensitive-dysphoria-and-adhd/
https://www.webmd.com/add-adhd/rejection-sensitive-dysphoria

The hyperfocus is definitely a superpower, but it's also how I wear myself out to exhaustion, not eat until hangry, etc. It's good when I can goof off for hours to make up for the speed-work, but if that doesn't happen and I just keep working, well, that's what happened this past week.
I'd say more if this wasn't a public entry.

I don't think a dx requires 'impairment', but those of us who appear 'successful' tend to have many-layered coping mechanisms, and/or just don't do things that are beyond them. This was good up higher: "it's not not knowing how to do time management, it's succeeding at doing time management."
And then there's the Evernote/replacement sagas. Can I please have a few years to catch up?

A diagnosis is useful if you want to try one of the medication routes. Some docs may be more of the "let's try it and see if it helps you" rather than making you jump through diagnosis hoops, but most of the meds are controlled substances, so that's another set of hoops.

There are a lot of good ADHD folks on twitter - I can't keep up.
https://twitter.com/danidonovan (ok, just got lost in that one for a while nodding nodding)

Another topic for another discussion: https://www.additudemag.com/adhd-trauma-somatic-therapy/
This article is a little old but the author is doing more research https://drellenlittman.com/adhdtraumaconnection.pdf

https://www.drellenlittman.com/pb/wp_b4f2c210/wp_b4f2c210.html

I have many disorganized notes on this stuff. we should talk :)

[cynthia1960]

I looked at that checklist and went WTFPATRIARCHY because many of these things are coping mechanisms that not-men have to deploy. There's just a nasty medicalized continuum that at a point calls these things abnormal, and it fits in with other ways not-men get pathologized.

[cmcmck]

Oh yes!

I'm a trans woman- talk to me about medicalisation and pathologisation!

Not to mention gatekeeperism.

I've seen it all in the time since I transitioned at fifteen, fifty years ago.

[elainegrey]

I think that's part of the point -- the boxes women and men are forced into shape how the neurodivergence of an individual is understood. The "thank you note" "symptom" made my therapist and i laugh at its gendered quality.