elainegrey

Following up on last night's semi-cryptic post.

Last night, around 1 am, Edward Cat's blood work came back indicative of congestive heart failure with nothing in the fluid from around the lungs (pulmonary edema? i guess) indicative of cancer. There was some chance his breathing difficulties were triggered by fluids he received on Thursday[1]. Given that, there are reasonable chances that he can receive treatment and be better, at least for a while. So he's been hospitalized today with some hope that they can stabilize his breathing, give him some drugs for the fluid build up and to help him eat, and feed him (with a feeding tube) to get his eating started again -- and then he might come home. And it's possible maybe we give him regular meds  and he's OK for a while.

We got home, had a bit of alcohol to sedate and counter coffee, and then were asleep -- my watch says 3:20 am. I was up around 7. I just called and learned they're doing rounds: we'll hear how he is in a few hours.

[1] "Decompensation into fulminant pulmonary edema may be precipitated by a stressful event, anesthesia, intravenous fluid administration or steroid administration. " https://academy.royalcanin.com/en/veterinary/management-of-the-cat-with-heart-failure

I probably get to go home tomorrow -- sorry if silence was worrisome. Thank you for all your support and care.

The schedule for med delivery had me with interrupted sleep all Friday night as every hour or so bottles had to be changed and vitals checked until 5 am. Saturday the treatment started earlier and was done by 1 am. I have had to be very careful about the IV port in the crook of my elbow -- partly because it was oozing blood because of the low platelets, partly just to keep it working, and it is a little uncomfortable, typing hasn't been easy. But the last infusion finished in the early evening today ,and i just need one more dose of steroid pushed through and then the port will be removed: yippee. Lemme type.

I have also had family visits. My sister and dad stayed with me once i arrived at Chapel Hill until Christine came in the evening.  On Saturday I was so glad i was not tied down with tubes  when my sister in law visited. They have now announced that B-- may only have weeks to live, and it was good to hug her and hold her hand. My sister and niece gave me a lovely visit today, in happy Easter vibes. My dad has visited every day, and Christine as well. My nephew W-- was apologizing he couldn't visit and i told him i would listen to his winter concert again. It was lovely and i am loved, but my computer didn't get my attention. (And it if it did i was reading my chart and researching drugs.)

--== ∞ ==--

On Saturday morning i got a little more clarity about the initial reading: the number of platelets was under the threshold of 3k platelets per unit -- the limit of the lab equipment's capability to count. Depending on your communication style, apparently, one person said 2k (per some unit, which is under 3k) and the ER doctor at the county hospital was "not detectable." And i've grown more appreciative of the risk of a brain bleed at those numbers, although i think the ER doctor would have had is own anxiety driven aneurysm if he realized how many potholes were in the roads between the Siler City and Chapel Hill. I had a cat scan because i had a slight headache.

It's so weird. I don't feel like a fragile china cup.

"When the count drops below 50,000, bleeding can occur more easily after injuries, and counts below 20,000 can lead to spontaneous bleeding" This morning's read was above 20k, they seem willing to let me go above 30k

--== ∞ ==--

I had a new treatment today, Rituximab, which may help me not have another drop for a longer time. Optimistically, from the doctor, there have been patients who reportedly have gone for five years without a relapse. Stats aren't quite as optimistic, but i am grateful that in the past 15 years it seems this treatment has moved from what they fall back to if the splenectomy fails, to use as soon as the second drop

I probably still have a hard time appreciating the spontaneous bleeding risk.

--== ∞ ==--

It's surely been difficult for Christine to have two absences at home. I have a lifelike stuffed toy cat with me, so nurses and nurses assistants have asked if i have cats and i have finally learned to say "two" and not tear up. But i know i will have more tears to cry. I know i cry about Greycie Loo out of the blue still, because we thought we had so much time to still have with her, and the cancer took her so quickly. Luigi has been so fragile-seeming for the past few years - i suppose i expected him to die in his sleep. To have him loose his legs like Greycie Loo did, to have him so bravely try to drag himself to the bathroom, for him to not be distressed but relatively composed, oh sweet old man cat.

--== ∞ ==--

I understand tomorrow will be hurry up and wait as discharge churns through paperwork. I'll have a last dose of steroids so will have this energy boost to get me home. Then i know i will crash on Tuesday. I am not looking forward to work on Wednesday. I hope i'll have recovered from the steroid crash by then.

Health: platelets back up on Monday and i think i was feeling better on Sunday. Spent some time looking for details on measurement uncertainties and natural variation in platelet counts.  I suspect if one knew the equipment that was being used there would be reference material, but there's no rule of thumb. Using some possibly unreliable numbers i found, i have established a range of normal for me that includes both my variation of numbers in the normal range and the measurement uncertainty. Ups and downs within that range i should consider as noise, not trend.  I did have a drop the previous week, and i think i did sense that in my body.

Feline health: this weekend was punctuated by Edward being sick with unpleasant fluids in many unexpected places around the house. Christine thinks she saw him hunt and catch something Thursday afternoon; perhaps that was a cause. This afternoon he seems to be getting better.

Luigi is even less mobile than he has been. He is enjoying some time on the deck in the sun (and pollen). We wonder if he is in discomfort or pain and when we should let him go. I think he's still OK, but there is something even more aged about him. He is getting matted but distressing him and triggering his breathing difficulties seems wrong at this point.

--== ∞ ==--

Work:  hyperfocusing on learning the OpenID Federation specification and the draft profile for higher ed, plus playing out the spec in a toy universe i created. I sure hope it can be as useful for others as it was for me because i sunk a great deal into it.

Escape/reading:  i spent the week very focused at work and very much escaping into Elizabeth Moon's Paladin’s Legacy series. One issue was that the books didn't really end, but just were continued in the next volume, so my hyperfocus tendencies really really wanted back in the story because there wasn't a strong done signal.

Even now, with some bits tied off, there clearly are narrative arcs ready to keep going. (Finds blog, finds title of a book sent to the editor, recognizes one thread that seemed ready for a book, drums fingers wondering when it will be published.) I am very tempted to read again: i know i skim parts wanting to get to the next plot bit. Rereading i will likely visualize more. Probably could study the maps better.

I found the theology and religion in the books interesting. SPOILER: part of the story has young people suddenly showing a capability that had been labeled as evil, discovery of writings from the time of one of the more politically established saint/gods showing the saint/god's compassion and that the capability itself was never one that the saint/god condemned. The magery feels very much like a metaphor for how visible trans youth became in the past few decades. I think this was in the... fourth book? Written a decade ago.

--== ∞ ==--

So, i've been ignoring spring, sorta. Did see fireflies the past three nights. (https://www.backyardecology.net/spring-treetop-flasher-our-first-firefly-species-of-the-season/)

Made third batch of seed crackers.

Had lunch with nephew down from NYU, lovely.

Went out on boat with Dad. Dad headed it into a huge flock (raft?) of cormorants. He wasn't wearing his hearing aid and could not hear me asking him, telling him to stop. He clearly wanted to get a video of the birds in flight. He sent some of them up, and i finally yelled stop loud enough to keep him from disturbing all of them. I was steamed. "But other boats speed through them." I growled a standard "just because everyone else" response and asked him if he wanted people driving through his bedroom. When he complained to my sister she informed (reminded?) him of the definition of harassing wildlife.

He posted his video on line -- and then heard me. Sigh.

Happy or amusing things

1. Making candied pumpkin using smaller cubes (not big chunks), a test version of Badam Burfi spiced with pumpkin pie spices, and then studding the burfi with the pumpkin cubes. Worth trying again with condensed milk that wasn't past best by date by two years!

2. Shinyfast trenched the fiber cable, crossing the red spray paint of the power line "call before you did" markings, and we still have power. Yay!

3. Someone sent phishing spam to the email address i only used for myspace so many years ago.

4. I realize i only use the eye serum to address puffy, deep bagged eyes when i've gotten enough sleep to have time to bother.

Status: Too much at work, escaping in evening.

Meh

Cat piss. It is not clear all of this is due to Luigi with stage 2 feline kidney disease. I am suspicious of Marlow. Thursday morning one of my newly-inherited and cleaned up duck shoes at the front door was full of piss. I have a hard time imagining Luigi targeting that well. Maybe we just need to add a litter box at the front door. Joy. Christine thinks the (east) bathroom odor might be due to duct work transmission. I worry we are not perfect with keeping the door closed and there are fresh installations.

Edward went to the vet yesterday for a skin issue we had been treating with skin meds left over from a previous case. The areas are tender and he reacts  in an unusual way: he starts grooming his front paw with such aggression i worry he will hurt himself.  Or he goes rigid and whips his head around to groom-bight anything he can contact with. Once this included my kneecap, which doesn't seem like i thing that would be easy to bite. We are waiting to hear if its some sort of fungal thing -- as a diabetic cat, skin issues are apparently more possible. But he's had a large swath of fur shaved off. Luigi had his belly shaved for the sonogram. They both remind me of how Greybeard, years ago, was shaved to treat a cat bite (if i recall correctly), and the fur never really grew back before he died (which was a year or so later). I hope these elder orange boyos have their coats return to dignified fullness.

Mornings are dark on the deck now. I can barely see -- civil twilight begins at 6:38 AM and i'm out before that --  and there was a dark blob on the door. If it was a big wood roach or water bug or similar i didn't want slipping into the house as i did. I tapped with our snake grabber pole near it and it lept towards me: a green tree frog. I hope my startlement shriek wasn't too widely heard.

Bu the time i should be wrapping up the sun has risen above a horizon i can't see for the trees even in the winter.  The dogwood has lost some leaves but still has red green leaves and now bright red berries. It arches towards the deck, a remnant of a time when it was in a thicket and the stretch was to the light. A Carolina wren flew to it a while ago and sat there fussing. Was Marlowe, sitting all tucked up on the rail in sleepy loaf cat pose, the target of it's fuss? No hummingbirds this morning, but the scent of overripe figs is in the very wet air. I think the hummers have fed on the ripe figs after the wasps open the ripe fruit. Oh! Maybe that's a wren in the fig tree now. Just like for the green  tree fogs i've found in the fig tree (more shrieks of startlement as hand brushes against unexpected creature), i suspect the wasps and fruitflies can be a feast for critters with different appetites than mine.

Feeling appreciative of the weather change that made for getting things done in the yard Sunday and Monday evening pleasant.  Leaves are changing in hints here and there, mostly on the early trees of elm, tulip poplar, and cherry. The black cherry and elm just drop their leaves -- the tree still seems green but underneath is brown leaf fall. Tulip poplar leaves -- which have just barely started -- do spot the tree yellow, but in exchange they are almost black under the tree. Driving through the area i can see the shift in the green, hinting at colors underneath.

Mornings are darker and darker. This morning i observed a sparkling of stars against the sky, mistook Aldebaran (+0.85) for Mars (+0.6) near shining Jupiter (–2.3). Bright Capella (+0.08) stood out as well.

Stellar brightness is on an counter-intuitive scale where a smaller (negative) number is brighter.

Saturday we observed my Mom's birthday and i ran errands. i was surprisingly exhausted at the end, but the wheeled string trimmer will now start.

My bicycle is now home, with a new tire and tube on the back that will presumably be quieter and more efficient on the trainer, and a solid foam tube replacement on the front, to minimize having to pump it up. Also new grips, as the others had degraded rubber.

I made spiced apple fig jam on Sunday, steam canned it, and all the lids took! I wiped the edges this time instead of just trusting i had kept them clean, so that helped. I actually have a nice stash of canned foods for gifts this year. Did i cook the jam too long and it's going to be a solid gummy lump? I'll open our jar before i give it all away.

Work is overwhelming with context switching and never any time to follow up. Last night i worked late to prepare for an interview for a peer role today. I'm feeling very insecure about pressures on me to carry a software engineer's knowledge -- what i was cramming last night -- but that's not where my focus has been. I don't think i need to worry about not being appreciated, but yeah, i worry about expectations from our new exec directory & director management layers. They haven't shown themselves well in some other contexts.

Luigi, one of our two older ex-Tom cats, is peeing in the bedroom bathroom very frequently, matching his drinking. He's arthritic and i suspect he knows he can make it to the shower stall. This morning he didn't quite. It's a tile floor, a hard surface. Not the bed! And he is the sweetest, most companionable soul. We'll clean up pee forever if he is otherwise willing to stay with us.He joins me on the lounge in the morning, and sits between Christine and i on the couch at lunch and in the evening. Christine says he's calling her to sit outside with him now during the day. He's getting multiple treatments for the arthritis and Christine will continue pursuit of the borderline... thyroid thingy? It's the one where the cat gets radiology and then has to stay in isolation for a few weeks. Christine is indignant that he was turned down for treatment, but i don't think she's thought through the isolation that comes with the treatment.

We have a fencing contractor who has shown up to look at the work now, and seems likely to provide an estimate - -two, in fact. One might be with cheaper galvanized wire which -- sure! As long as the mesh size is small enough, we are game. If we hate it, there's [a very limited number of latex acrylic] spray paint.

For the petechiae and bruising, I go for more blood tests today, and i think my doctor will be referring me to a hematologist or dermatologist. I'm hoping for hematology because the optometrist noticed a blood vessel that had broken (nothing to worry about, you probably lifted something) so the capillary breaking isn't just the skin. On the other hand, WTF Buttercup with the waves of petechiae and bruises? Rhetorical question that. I am minimizing non direct doctor reading about this ... ah, fiddlesticks, went and did more reading. "The clinical approach to these disorders rests upon an astute clinician considering the diagnosis and identifying the specific patterns of clinical, radiologic, laboratory, and pathologic abnormalities." Stop reading!

I continue with something i log as "Executive function distress." Distress is generally too strong a word, but --

Just this moment, my attention was called from my  computer by a crows. One landed on the snag pine at the west edge of the meadow. Did the top of the pine sway when they landed? They called out as a peach colored cloud slipped away to the south east against the blue sky. It's a second mild morning in a row. Unfortunately the temperatures are back on a rise, but this morning i sit out with a blanket again. As i reflected that i could set up my SLR with a telephoto and observe that tree and perhaps get some photos i might find well composed -- and get back in those skills -- a humming bird visited the coral colored Agastache.

Everything is so much happier after the 2.15" of rain we got Sunday into Monday.

Yesterday i harvested mulberries for breakfast, then after work the last blackberries, some strawberries, plenty of blueberries -- and the very first four or five harvested figs. High in the tree were some the wasps had already found. One fig was too ripe and joined some ripened but slightly desiccated strawberries in a jar to start the season's vinegar. I wondered if the Aunt Rachel apples were ripe yet but forgot they turned red. This is the first year there's a "harvest" and i've already knocked two out of the tree (one because it had a bad spot and i hoped to stop it from crowding the other i knocked out. I've eaten those -- one baked with cinnamon sugar and butter, the other with peanut butter, so the sharp greenness was a nice counter.

-- back from the reverie -- distress is too strong a word, but the question of care for the yarden points to a bit where the distress can come up. There is so much i want to do. I can feel so tired. I know i work an intense job and a great deal of my executive function is tied up in that work. I try to trust my body (when it says it's tired and needs rest), but BLEEP it's getting BLEEP old. And it shouldn't yet. I wish i knew if i quit work would i rebound? Note to self, Dad (83), who has been looking decidedly fragile and tired, is 27 years older. (So stop telling yourself "20 plus years older" which you round to twenty and then ).... and WOW did i let my mind wander and go off for far too long.

Luigi is off to a vet for an ultrasound. He's got both kidney and hyperthyroid issues. Such a sweetheart.....