elainegrey

In health news, i now have yet another additional skin diagnosis, autoimmune and well correlated with existing diagnosis. I also have a clear plan. Well, clearish. Will write up and get confirmation, because memory and the instructions on box differ.

Bruno has crystals in his urine which could explain what seems to be increased urination outside the box. Having a barrier pad on the couch paid off this morning. X-ray next to look for kidney stones.

Yesterday dawned with Gulf warmth and humidity and ended with an arctic blast that dropped the temperature 20°F degrees and the dew point 35°F over the afternoon into evening. I dunno, it seemed more abrupt as it was happening, but now doesn't seem that remarkable. The low passed over us at 13:37, with the dew point (an absolute measure of the humidity independent of air temp) at 60°F at 13:12 and 25°F at 19:17 and hitting 16°F at 7:22 this morning.  Temperatures fell, too, with a high of 62.6°F at 13:07,  40.8°F at 19:17,  and a low of 24.9°F also at 7:22 this morning.

Taking today off to go with Christine on a visit to her sister A's in Mayberry/Mount Airy, riding up with sister D. This is fraught for Christine in part with the concern about bathroom stops and anti-trans politics, and her health condition about which she is not wanting to make clear to her sisters. Instead, there is abundant worry about A's health and D's grief. And how A doesn't recognize D's grief. And D's anger over how their brother L's widow is being treated by brother L's kids (which is both objectively problematic treatment, but probably compounded by D by her recent widowhood). And A wanting to ignore that and not talk about it at Christmas.

I had tea with my sister last night when i went to pick up my new scripts, gave her a big hug, and told her how thankful i was for our relationship. I am so very very very lucky in my relationship with L and do not take it for granted. Brother N is on his own planet, which is more intense now that his sons are at college and his wife and daughter have moved back to the states. I feel sad for him on one hand, but on the other -- well, i suspect that his regrets are going to be more of a headache to for L & I to negotiate as Dad gets older and passes, and we have to deal with the "family" home (note N never lived there). But L: i feel lucky we are both honest, open, and compassionate with each other.

We had a pleasant holiday. I am very thankful for my relationship with my sister. We had a long phone call before our households woke, and a walk together later in the day. I am well aware how special our relationship is.  Christine and i also joined her family and my Dad for gift exchanges, Swedish pancakes and (Norwegian -- from her husband's side) Sandbakkels (lovely sugar cookies baked into domes). I'll just note Mom didn't go all Swedish heritage until after i was in college, so only a few things i remember from my born-to-Swedish-parents great aunts and grandmother hint to their Swedish heritage. They were encouraged to assimilate.

Yesterday we took Bruno to the vet to find out whether there's an infection or similar causing his urination. It's probably psychological, and we have gone all in on Feliway, which seems to be the general advice. We'll try a little kitty prozac. I occasionally try to sedate Marlowe with gabapentin (days i won't spend working in the same room with Bruno).  Sometimes it works but most of the time it doesn't. Wish i knew what would make that reliable, so we could expose them to each other without Marlowe going all special forces on Bruno. Carrie Dog had a panic attack Friday morning. Poor pups. I did feel a bit like this is the household of misfit beings, yesterday morning, but we can be a refuge for these beings and ourselves.

For Yule Christine has given me a maslin pan, which is the answer to the question: what type pot is wide enough to get all the jam and jelly to the right temperature while also not boiling over? Deep stock pots are not the answer. After reading rhapsodic accounts of jelly made in 100% copper pans, then reading why it's safe -- high sugar content buffers the acids in fruits -- i chose the more practical stainless steel. That should make jelly, jam, and fig leather prep next year more pleasurable.

I managed to pass on some Frankoma Plainsman green dishes to my sister, who missed out on the 70s overdose of avocado green. I knocked the handle off one of my Pfaltzcraft Heritage Christmas mugs as i got them out for the first time since, i dunno, pre pandemic? Pre Mom's stroke? I think it will glue back OK. I am trying to decided if i should just ditch it. I also broke a ramekin (and thinking back a broke a 4 oz jelly jar).

Meanwhile, time passes. Myself and all around me slowly giving over to entropy.

This week was fatigue, cat pee, and all new tires for the car plus an arm long list of things they found while they were looking (and a leg long list Christine said no to).  Christine is striving to manage anxiety about her her physical discomfort/symptoms that are related to her June emergency room visit; just over a month to the surgery to deal with the issue. And i am preparing myself for "oh you won't need an X" to be really "oh you won't need an X permanently, of course you need one for recovery."

Christine and i have such different distrust patterns. Me, i distrust the doctors & nurses to tell you what you need to know because it's obvious to them. I distrust the tire place and suspect them of wanting to deal with things that our regular car place has handled. I distrust customer service because i assume they are measured on completing tickets, not solving problems. I ... could keep going. But i tend to trust that people are generally acting in good faith, that i can share things and it won't come back to hurt me (now that mom is out of the picture). Christine ... well, she used to completely distrust the medical establishment but seemed to get a little better after the stay in the hospital this year. She trusts the car place (and talked me down from my high dudgeon on seeing the list of repairs and refurbishments).

We spent much of the week of Thanksgiving worried about Marlowe not eating. Monday, a week after she'd been to the vet and nothing found amiss,  we got an appetite stimulant and after two treatments she's eating like a champ. And she's back to being a terror to Bruno. And is this why Bruno keeps peeing on beds? So should we go back to gabapentin in her food to chill her out? Which is one possible reason why she quit eating? Ugh. I'm caught up on washing and drying; folding not so much.

The fatigue hit hard on Monday. I am doing better, and recall i should get my vitamin D tested. It's an expected symptom of the ITP that remains even when the platelet counts stay stable. Piffle. I will continue to work with my therapist on the cognitive/emotional challenges and how to get my ADHD mind where i can meet exercise and eating goals. Right now i know i am eating because of the fatigue and it is VERY HARD to convince myself that more food does not equal energy.

Work is a little stressful: i continue to find the exec director levels ... well, to resume a theme, untrustworthy. Am i stupid to not look for other work? My current work is interesting. Most people i work with i like. I think staying is OK, and if i do get dropped one morning, maybe we will be OK with an early retirement? I'd look for new work if that happened, of course, but my hopes are low. But i do not have the ... will to invest in promoting myself so i could land somewhere.

Meanwhile, we are carrying concern for my sister's family, knowing the more regular substitute position starting Friday will be helpful, but yikes. If we don't pay our teachers well, pay for subs is near imaginary.

He hung out in the living room for a long time last night - -after Marlowe and Carrie came in he retreated to under the couch. He might have felt a little trapped. This morning he's spent in his room despite Marlowe and Carrie being closed in the bedroom sleeping.

Time flies by so fast. Maybe it will slow down a little: yesterday i felt the depression break as i was deglazing the pan in which had fried up polenta, onions, radishes, and fennel. This was the second iteration of the lunch (second half of the fennel bulb), and i had been delighted -- maybe just pleased, or proud, really-- with the lunch before (despite the depression). But i felt it yesterday.

And despite the depression, i have acknowledged how lovely this fall has been. Very yellow and gold when i wish for more red and orange. The buckeye dropped its leaves before i could enjoy their orange during the drought, but a dogwood in the back is nice and red. I wish to grow sumac and enjoy their red. The persimmon and blueberries will be red sometime, but not yet. But! Really, quite a lovely yellow and gold. I'm not feeling the "ugh more yellow" feeling i have had previous years. The purple (bright pink?) chrysanthemums and the continuing lantana blooms have helped. (Slight shame at non-native landscaping, but the ironweed is over.)

The Fuyu-style persimmons have been wonderful this year. I suppose there's still a chance of persimmons on the native tree. I am admittedly not letting them get all the way ripe, so they aren't honeyed sweet. Still learning  how to pick them.

We gave Bruno a long break from Marlowe and he was coming out of his retreat. Saturday we took him to our bedroom and closed him in there, allowing me to do a deep vacuum of the front room. We rearranged the furniture, moved in the glorious cat litter cabinet (a cabinet enclosing a custom made insert that creates a easy to clean, very large litter space), and hung one of my grandmother's paintings behind where i sit at work. We rotated the bed and it feels more roomy - -and also many of the boxes are now stacked where the cabinet was. (Lots of self criticism about all the Stuff stashed, and the fact that this is really the first art i've hung since we moved in -- at least now all the art stashed in the closet might be more easily accessed.)

Sunday Marlowe slipped by me to instigate a screaming match with Bruno under the bed. Bruno seems less traumatized than before, but i do think he's holding to safe spaces more than he was.

Hints at other things from the weekend and yesterday: Rising moon -- Death faire -- Wisdom circle ponderings power vs strength -- grief about ITP and fatigue & "you don't have reason to indulge in feelings" inner response & interrogation revealing a particular point in the landscape from my middle school-first years of high school home -- green wall coming down -- spicebush yellow under the invasive blue green silverberry -- investing in plant stands for summer hanging planters -- disgust at the cruelty of US administration.

We are welcoming Bruno, a young charcoal grey cat, in our home. He was a kitten rescued during Helene last year, and we are his third placement. It seems that children and a tumultuous household may stress him, and he has some sort of GI/urinary tract issue.

Christine had reached out to Cat Tales Cat Cafe (cattalescatcafe.com) on Thursday -- i think because her sister is likely to adopt from there -- to discuss our outdoor space as they only adopt for indoor cats. I overheard her chatting, explaining our past, acknowledging their boundaries, and concluding that they could keep us in mind if there were any cats who came through them who would be exceptions.

Thursday night she received an email:

 Thank you for your application for a cat in our rescue.... And we usually require that the cats adopted through our rescue are indoor only cats with a few exceptions. And I wanted to discuss one of those exceptions. Let me tell you a little about Bruno.

Bruno was found during the heavy rainstorms we got in our area from hurricane Helene last year. He was found with 3 siblings, all of whom have been adopted. Bruno was adopted as well but he was returned to us when he had inappropriate urinary issues when he never had those issues before. Bruno was a fairly shy guy and had been adopted into a very busy household with a bunch of kids. We believe it was just too much for him and the inappropriate peeing is stress related in addition to crystals being present in his urine. We had another person adopt Bruno and they were aware of his issues and told us they wanted to work on it with him. They also have young kids and they told us that Bruno only peed inappropriately when the children were around. So we feel strongly that Bruno could be a good indoor/outdoor cat in a low stress household without children. He loves people and other cats but has never been around a dog so that's an unknown factor. ....

 I personally fostered Bruno for a couple of months before he went to the second adopter and he never had a peeing incident unless a young person or a stranger was around. Would you be willing to give this very handsome, sweet and affectionate guy a try? He needs a special place that's not easy to find. He really is a gem and deserves to have a happy home.

Bruno was returned to the fosterer on Thursday evening. By end of work Friday we had chatted with my sister (who has a cat with crystal and kidney issues) to see what her experience was, and made plans to check him out. We brought him home last night. It's been OK so far, although i probably rushed taking him from the bathroom to the front room where there is a bed he can disappear under. He did get up to see me, but when i pulled a kleneex out to address a dingleberry he disappeared again.

He has a higher pitched meow. He was apparently named according to a pixar theme, and Bruno of Encanto is his eponym. (Haven't seen the movie; listened to the song, and read about the character last night.)

I hope he foresees peace and quiet with us.

Meanwhile, Christine is in a migraine cluster. My labile moods remain.

We said goodbye to Edward around 12:20 yesterday, a month and a few hours after saying goodbye to Luigi.  There was a cloud that was rainbow colored in the sky, a nacreous cloud (except May?! and 35° latitude?!) that greeted us as we reached the vet, that offered a bit of marvel to go with the grief.

The medication to allow Edward to breathe more easily failed and the prognosis became even more complicated. No prognosis had him leaving the cage where he was receiving supplemental oxygen, so we said good bye to him there.

We're shattered, and i have so much at work to focus on the next few days. A week and a half before i can safely see my dad.... No spots, so we're thankful for that. (I think Christine worries the stress of waking to Luigi's condition triggered the last flare of my condition.)

--== ∞ ==--

Meanwhile, B-- (Christine's sister's husband) is now using supplemental oxygen.  D-- and B-- lost their two grey cats Atty and Scout to some seizure condition in late 2024 and this spring. We know additional grief is on the horizon.

So we will go through the change in our lives because forward through time is the only way i know.

--== ∞ ==--

I'd started working in the yard just before, the vet called. And then while Christine showered before we went to the vet, i put a few plants in the ground in the yesterday:

Better boy buried deeply in the eastern side of the back of the circle garden; a bigger Early girl to the west, and between them a "Sweet banana" pepper and a sweet basil. Last year a Matt's wild cherry tomato swarmed that whole area. I would have expected seedlings but maybe the winter weeds then pinestraw mulch was too thick.

Carmen (Red Italian frying pepper) east most, and the second of the four "Sweet banana" peppers in the east middle bed; the last two  "Sweet banana" peppers in the west middle bed, and one between the two tomatoes.

The Thai basil in the east front bed  close to the peony where sage thrived before.

I also pulled some seeds out from my collection - Zinna, marigold, sunflowers. I have struggled to grow sunflowers here but will try again, i guess. I mixed a bunch of collected marigold seed heads in the soil near the tomatoes - who knows when i collected those.  I should probably soak some of the hyacinth beans and plant them so when all the poppies die back i have something to replace them.  It failed last time i tried but i will try again. If i get my seedling kit going soon, i should start some more basil.

I'm leaning towards planting the  rosemary where i had it before but i don't know why that big plant died last year. I suspect humidity from all the stilt grass and Bears foot (Smallanthus uvedalia), then drought. But i wonder if the Smallanthus uvedalia had anything to do with it beyond the shade and captured humidity.

After a winter with so many cold spells, i doubted the return of many zone 8 plants and a  zone 9 plant. But to my delight

• not only the dahlias i grew from seed years ago but the new dahlias from last year have all returned
• the Calla lilies i did not get around to digging up are sprouting
• a Jewels of Opar plant (Talinum paniculatum) that came up last year presumably from a scattered seed has returned
• and a  Stevia plant i'd grown from seed  -- the zone 9 plant -- has come back for the second time under both cold and weed pressure!

Most of the bee balm (Mondara) i looked at yesterday had powdery mildew. I'll look again this weekend to see if there's any i can harvest as a herb while cutting back all the tall growing plants to promote branching.

--== ∞ ==--

Wednesday was the monoclonal antibody second infusion. I was feeling good and then the dose of intravenous benadryl hit and i was knocked out of it for the rest of the day. The infusion itself was short.  Dad has COVID aka, as he calls it, Covig, on returning from a Danube cruise with his sweetheart. Nurse said to stay away from him (and my sister and her husband who have been exposed to Dad as they cared for him) for two weeks.

Thursday was a blur with work meetings. I was promising myself a Friday to focus but then more distractions. Plus a new phone has arrived, so ensuring i have all the things i use set up is taking attention.

Meanwhile Edward Cat has been sleeping, not interested in usual companionship, not eating. He's clearly got a cold. We first thought to let it take its course, but Thursday and Friday Christine's taken him to the vet. (The vet urged the appointment on Friday). Blood sugar low, so stopping the insulin, and ordered a glucose testing kit so we can do a better job monitoring without vet trips. We have an appetite stimulant to try.

He wasn't in the bed when i woke somewhat early, so i looked for him and finally found him by the litter box. I assume getting there sapped all his energy.

Christine's sister's two cats died in the past year and i know Christine is almost expecting Edward to die, following Luigi. She's worried about his will to live.  I hope not. He still looks like a hearty cat.

I am sure today could be worse, but don't want to try and see.

3:20 am woke to the sound of Luigi scrambling. He'd lost the use of his back legs, and i quickly realized he probably had a saddle thrombus -- a clot that was cutting off blood to his legs. I'd read about it when his heart disease was diagnosed.  I carried him to the water bowl in th e bathroom, took care of my business, then picked him up and he took care of his business right there. And i am glad that he wasn't lying in it and it was over a tile floor. Meanwhile i was strangely out of breath but, distress?

Cleaning up, getting him settled (towels, puppy pads). Christine was able to fall back to sleep but i failed. I checked on  the medical pages for the saddle thrombus, checked on the vet who does appointments at home for euthanasia (Sunday), and wrote the following:

I am so grateful for Luigi and our time with him. He's been such a warm and companionable cat, joining Christine and I on the couch in the evening as well as being such a pal for Edward. He was part of the orange cat gang in Willow Park in Mountain View that included Marty, with his cinnamon bun swirl, and  Frankie, a long haired orange cat (Franklin at home). Edward (surely known as Eddie at the corner) and Luigi would play with each other around the pool. Our neighbor Melanie adopted Luigi, and Christine ended up responding to Luigi's meow-yowls to be let in to her apartment during the day. When Melanie had to move, we took Luigi and for a brief while had four cats, until Mr M died. The boy-os Edward and Luigi essentially retired to North Carolina with us when we moved.

At 7 i could wake Christine, and we called our regular vet and left a message. They had us come up early. Right before we left i noticed petechiae.

The vet looked at Luigi, confirmed my diagnosis, confirmed our belief that it was time to say good bye. So we did at 9 am. Such a sweet cat.

We stopped for a blood draw on the way home. My phlebotomist hugged me and comforted me. She's lovely. I'd written a note to my hematologist saying i had petechiae and asking if going to the UNC hospital in the county was OK (and avoiding the OMG crazy at the main UNC Hospital). At 10:50 i got a call saying the platelets were 2k (low bound of normal is 150k) and go to ER at Chatham. So i did.

Apparently i freaked them the hell out (pardon my language) because if i start bleeding they have no platelets to give me. It seems that there was miscommunication somewhere, and i really need to be at UNC in Chapel Hill. They've given me steroids and liquid tylenol (because the thought of a pill tearing my throat worried them).

I'm now waiting for transport. I know Christine could drive me fine just fine, but the level of worry was high -- and the official hand off between ERs wouldn't be normal. When transport was arranged by 3:30, i figured i should send Christine home and just wait.

I didn't mention Christine  was supposed to be giving her sister D-- respite today and stay with her BIL B-- in the Duke ICU. B-- was given a very difficult prognosis. They are holding out hope with another consult. They had begun hospice care discussions. There is so much to carry there.

And you know, democracy giving way to fascist state. https://www.electoral-vote.com/evp2025/Senate/Maps/Apr18.html#item-1 seems to be hopeful that the Institutions are beginning to Resist. I have no faith in the Supreme Court, personally, so hanging my hopes on Harvard and "white-shoe law firms" is.... well.

...

And i have finished my first ambulance ride since circa 1976, so that was fun. Now in triage (again).

Post holiday social: Friday noonish i met up with someone in Carrboro i know from the national advisory board i used to serve on and from conferences. It was wonderful and must do again. I also feel i can write it off as work for Reasons.  And, she and her spouse might be interested in playing poker with Christine and i sometime, although likely to be better players....

Friday evening i drove to Hillsborough to see my sister in law in a gallery opening that turned out to be a bigger thing than i expected and met up with a friend. I hope we will see each other a little more this new year.

I was, however, up late, and could tell. I was very weepy around the vet report about Luigi's probably myocardial something or another: enlarged heart? The good news is that the hormone that signifies this issue causes increased urination. Would treating this reduce the hormone, reducing the urination? But the vet bills. I was very invested in making sure Christine and i were on the same page about goals. Luigi is such a sweetheart and companion, but such an old little man cat. We need to let him go at the right time.

Saturday midday i had a good visit with my sister and went through my great grandmother's jewelry (most of which was clip on costume earrings, ohmigod ouch).

Then Christine and i managed to finished wrangling family for invites and in the evening hosted my brother and his daughter for poker. It was fun. I also made a little booklet with the hands for reference and put the date and a cool Las Vegas inspired "[our home] poker night" logo on it to make it special for S--. My sister has told me in what way S-- is not like most people (while expressing anger at my brother's family for how they don't help her navigate things).  I feel more connected to S-- than to the older boys, perhaps because she seems enthusiastic about visiting us. On the other hand, she's not quite a teenager yet at twelve. So, who knows when we will no longer be cool.

Today i worked on the new computer. I am so thankful for ChatGPT today, because troubleshooting getting a remote window connection going and working would have taken me far more energy than i had. It was still hours to get done. ChatGPT was helpful, i think, because of the vast amount of documentation for linux administration on the internet and the interconnection across different systems (Xwindows, vnc servers, the systemd automation, the weirdness of new fangled things that weren't around when i was using linux mumblty decades (what? that long?!) ago.

To reward myself i sat down to play with the new ham radio thing, but it didn't work, and then the original config didn't work, and then i realized i must have had something working in membor but changed something else and after -- maybe rebooting? -- the eariler state is gone and now i need to figure out how to start over. Bleep.  I don't think ChatGPT is the answer there.

It's been a muchness of socializing for this hermit. Good, but muchness.

I have had some ADHD reflections. I'm a little more clear why i am stalled on replying to some things. Part of it has to do with the distraction/interruption and trying to stay on task -- and i really don't have time set aside well for correspondence.

And i wonder about the Quaker sense of being led bu the Spirit, and how differently that might be perceived by neurotypical folks and neurodivergent. Wish i had time to go more deeply but it's bed time.