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Oh, procrastination and making mountains out of molehills, why? why? why?
But, in a miracle of doing loathed tasks a day before deadline (although it had been on my mind to do this all last week) the quarterly "report" was done at 4:45. My boss had time to read it and point out a mistake while i did my timecard (also a day before deadline). The revision was circulated by 5 pm.
I resent the report so because it is an empty ritual. The reporting is so stripped of detail that there's no way anyone could act on the information provided. The powerpoint format has me muttering "O-rings. Kaboom."
But i did it. I drove home to the delight of Christine being home. We chopped veggies and made a clam chowder together, then went went for a walk in the dark while it simmered. Home for soup, video entertainment, and crochet. I am faster with rows in My First Sock, but they needed to be ripped out when i realized the joins were not merely sloppy but would also be uncomfortable.
I woke feeling much more refreshed and rested. I tortured myself over the quarterly report: I admit it. One of the things i discussed with my therapist last week is feeling the benefits of the hard work i've done over the years. This morning, i want to feel the ease of getting that task out of the way, the sense of spaciousness and possibility. I want to acknowledge the work i've done on allergies and asthma: my breathing is clear and free[1] this morning. My mouth is not in discomfort[2]. My skin is mostly healthy and there are no visible issues. [3] I need to take time and effort to make these things be well, but it is effective.
I realize i WANT so much to not even have to worry about care. I feel a tension when i see all the hand washing flu prevention signs: getting my hands wet and using most cleansers aggravates my skin. I know what i need to do to stay sanitary, but those signs are reminders that i have to be intentional and aware. I want not to take all the supplements: i believe i have a well balanced diet. Lunch was lentils and hummus and beet greens. I eat fish, and live in a remarkably sunny location. I can keep going with the list of work i need to do to take care of myself. I muttered to my therapist N that everyone must have long lists, but she affirmed my experience. I do have a long list of things i need to do to take care of myself.
And i do do them as i find them.
It's hard to find the root of the voice that says i'm lazy and irresponsible. And maybe i really need to work in that place.
One of the reasons i understand depression develops is because of cognitive dissonance, experience and other's reactions not aligning. I've internalized some message about myself being lazy, sloppy, inattentive, self-preoccupied, self-centered. On Thursday, when i felt so awful, one of the first things that got through to me from my therapist was her statement that i was not NEGLIGENT.
I think i'm just getting the dissonance that is particularly problematic: if i don't do all the things to keep me well, the critical voice says i'm NEGLIGENT (never using that word, but it's so powerful to me). If i am doing all the things that keep me well, the critical voice says i'm SELFISH and SELF-CENTERED. The critical voice won't let me win.
And that's why i want a cure, something that will make my physical issues go away: because then i won't be selfishly caring for those issues.
Ah-ha.
OK, critical voice, we're going to have to chat.
[1] Except for the few inches in my nasal passage. I do wonder if i should have work done like my sister and brother. But, no, lets first see is nasal steroids do the trick. Can remember to take the stuff?
[2] No inflammation of the small ulcer in the back cheek and one on the side of my tongue.
[3] Ring finger has been sending up blisters, but i've been beating them back with the Clobetasol. There's some rough skin. Location A needs continued care, but again: it's not a discomfort that affects me as it used to. Just like watching for the blisters: i need to attend and it's not healed, but it's also not affecting me beyond the need for care.
But, in a miracle of doing loathed tasks a day before deadline (although it had been on my mind to do this all last week) the quarterly "report" was done at 4:45. My boss had time to read it and point out a mistake while i did my timecard (also a day before deadline). The revision was circulated by 5 pm.
I resent the report so because it is an empty ritual. The reporting is so stripped of detail that there's no way anyone could act on the information provided. The powerpoint format has me muttering "O-rings. Kaboom."
Tufte loathes PowerPoint, whose format he says gives short shrift to evidence and encourages cheerleading, pitching and a preoccupation with form over content in ways that ultimately corrupt thinking. “The worst thing Microsoft has ever done is to replace the fundamental unit of analysis, the sentence, with the bullet, the grunt,’’ he says. -- here
But i did it. I drove home to the delight of Christine being home. We chopped veggies and made a clam chowder together, then went went for a walk in the dark while it simmered. Home for soup, video entertainment, and crochet. I am faster with rows in My First Sock, but they needed to be ripped out when i realized the joins were not merely sloppy but would also be uncomfortable.
I woke feeling much more refreshed and rested. I tortured myself over the quarterly report: I admit it. One of the things i discussed with my therapist last week is feeling the benefits of the hard work i've done over the years. This morning, i want to feel the ease of getting that task out of the way, the sense of spaciousness and possibility. I want to acknowledge the work i've done on allergies and asthma: my breathing is clear and free[1] this morning. My mouth is not in discomfort[2]. My skin is mostly healthy and there are no visible issues. [3] I need to take time and effort to make these things be well, but it is effective.
I realize i WANT so much to not even have to worry about care. I feel a tension when i see all the hand washing flu prevention signs: getting my hands wet and using most cleansers aggravates my skin. I know what i need to do to stay sanitary, but those signs are reminders that i have to be intentional and aware. I want not to take all the supplements: i believe i have a well balanced diet. Lunch was lentils and hummus and beet greens. I eat fish, and live in a remarkably sunny location. I can keep going with the list of work i need to do to take care of myself. I muttered to my therapist N that everyone must have long lists, but she affirmed my experience. I do have a long list of things i need to do to take care of myself.
And i do do them as i find them.
It's hard to find the root of the voice that says i'm lazy and irresponsible. And maybe i really need to work in that place.
One of the reasons i understand depression develops is because of cognitive dissonance, experience and other's reactions not aligning. I've internalized some message about myself being lazy, sloppy, inattentive, self-preoccupied, self-centered. On Thursday, when i felt so awful, one of the first things that got through to me from my therapist was her statement that i was not NEGLIGENT.
I think i'm just getting the dissonance that is particularly problematic: if i don't do all the things to keep me well, the critical voice says i'm NEGLIGENT (never using that word, but it's so powerful to me). If i am doing all the things that keep me well, the critical voice says i'm SELFISH and SELF-CENTERED. The critical voice won't let me win.
And that's why i want a cure, something that will make my physical issues go away: because then i won't be selfishly caring for those issues.
Ah-ha.
OK, critical voice, we're going to have to chat.
[1] Except for the few inches in my nasal passage. I do wonder if i should have work done like my sister and brother. But, no, lets first see is nasal steroids do the trick. Can remember to take the stuff?
[2] No inflammation of the small ulcer in the back cheek and one on the side of my tongue.
[3] Ring finger has been sending up blisters, but i've been beating them back with the Clobetasol. There's some rough skin. Location A needs continued care, but again: it's not a discomfort that affects me as it used to. Just like watching for the blisters: i need to attend and it's not healed, but it's also not affecting me beyond the need for care.
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