(no subject)

Library committee from tonight has been canceled. That's good as i've not done anything and we have a visit to the surgeon late this afternoon. It was going to be a very crowded day.

It's time for me to get back into calculating my spoons and considering my "conditions of enoughness."

Practices: To practice, to tune, and to accept.
Goals: Christine's surgery, career dreaming

Right now i don't feel like career dreaming: the loan we are taking on my 403b (similar to 401k) needs to be paid back in full if i leave the my current employer. I am not trapped, but my motivation is much lower. I also need to remind myself that career dreaming is not the same as looking for a new job. Positioning myself and preparing myself are different issues.

Still, for the next few months the real goal is moving through the surgery and recovery, keeping an even keel.

I also want to get back into the walking practice, now that it's light in the evening (oh, how i miss the morning glimmer).

I will be going off the prozac in a month or so, i figure. Most of the acute issues that weighed upon me last fall have turned: my mouth is back to normal, and my understanding of what is going on at work has undergone several significant revisions. I need to establish the walking practice and the spoon/"condition of enoughness" practices so that when the chemical support is removed, i can stand. My sense of insecurity/incompetence still courses through me at times: yesterday i was aware of my choice to not work weekends, of not being able to provide my team with all the information they need. Some is not my fault: i, too, must work without all the needed information. But i feel i've lost respect from a colleague, and it frustrates me. [There's more work and team worries.]

[Break to attend phone meeting; phone meeting canceled. Desire to get card written on plane in the mail: cannot find clipbox with correspondence. Hunt. Ask Christine to hunt. Ponder whether i've seen it since on flight. Consign it to the "lost" list in my mind. Find SFO has no lost and found. Find that Delta has a form, at least, to fill out. Recall bundle of lost items (glasses, journal) left on plane circa 2002 that were never recovered. Decide that there are no expectations of recovery.]

Instead of digging in to where i feel overwhelm and lack, though, i will turn to managing the now.
Yesterday, while driving to work i set an evening goal. I assumed i'd be home by 6, and decided i had two hours of spoons (i wouldn't assume anything beyond time). I decided i would do some crochet as a replenishment activity.

I turned out to be home closer to 7 pm, with my back twinging, but i did do some crochet and ran a shopping errand (to get more back pain analgesics plus all sorts of other things that make me feel terribly over the hill). Plus i called about Library committee. Wins all around! That was a reasonable set of evening activities.

(no subject)

Yesterday i was distracted by the late afternoon visit with the surgeon. I do think i had a semiproductive day, and made it to the surgeon's office on time. Christine had parked her motorcycle at the corner end of street parking so i'd be sure to find the office.

We spent a long time with the surgeon in the pre-op meeting, He had all sorts of forms and final examinations to do, and i asked my list of activity questions. Fortunately, Christine's therapist came in before i asked my cat questions: the surgeon had a "Ew, animals, germs!" reaction, and the therapist said, "Pish, he's a surgeon, he doesn't know animals. Your cats will want to take care of Christine." We traded cat care stories.

Most of my exertion questions were answered: nothing to raise blood pressure for six weeks. No motorcycle for two months.

When we left the clinic, Christine's motorcycle had fallen over. The cars that she had been parked near were gone, and people were turning onto the street frequently on their way home. A nearby gardener helped lift the bike up, and the faring had taken most of the bike's weight with only some mild cosmetic damage. Uncertain of whether there was damage we missed, i followed Christine home in the rain.

My desire to use the evening for laundry and exercise was completely drained.

I'd spent the afternoon at work talking to all my team individually, and then there was the hour with the surgeon. That was highly interactive work and partly explains how drained i was.

Christine was exhausted as, on her way to the surgeon, she and another motorcyclist had a close call with an inattentive, cell phone using driver, and she'd had to execute an emergency stop. She says the other motorcyclist took care of chewing out the driver. I can't imagine, after the car accident just six weeks ago, that another close call wouldn't be triggering.

I fixed brown rice macaroni with a cheese sauce for dinner. I love making mac and cheese, with thanks to dairy cows and a twinge as i consider vegans' view of the dairy industry. This had the last of some aged gouda, some generic cheddar, and some shredded mozzarella in with generous amounts of mustard powder, pepper, salt, and the Italian parsley thinnings from the garden pots.

We watched a Nova Now documentary on travel to Mars and i quickly fell asleep, and had a hard time waking.

I'm not finding it easy being compassionate with myself. Intellectually, i can see the drains on my energy: work, the thought experiment of the care needed and risks ahead with the surgery, the surge of past memories of motorcycle issues with the looming possibility something new was wrong. It's the voice of the Survivalist in my head that says, "Buck up, don't let this tire you." My Dad's assessment, driven from his military service and connections, "You're not face down in a rice paddy." The ease of observing the odds of a huge quake here. Witnessing my mother's drive to have everything just so, to the point of consuming all her health. (What good is health when it's so bloody fragile?)

What else do i know intellectually? Let's say there was a real crisis, not just dirty floors. I do rally, and if i have reserves, i'll be that much better in a crisis.