elainegrey

Obsessively cleaned tags in one of my information systems this morning. Pleasant meditative action. Reminds me of how i tidied my address book during the merger: there's something about the data organizing effort that is soothing to my mind.

Yesterday i woke too early then finally fell back asleep and slept quite late. I spent the afternoon doing little tasks, fifteen minutes at a time. Random things were done, bits of life at home are improved, some long delayed paperwork is done. I wish "all" could be done, but i'm trying to learn a sense of satisfaction of being in process, being satisfied that i engaged in process. Instead of muttering to myself that, "This room is still a wreck," i'm trying to see that it's less of a wreck.

Poor Christine wrestled with printers and drivers and windows 7 and bonjour all day. She's getting a used printer this afternoon.

Off to Meeting!

Yesterday morning, as i was heading into work, i noticed orange and white fur tufts, ivy pulled across the sidewalk, then some blood. My heart went very heavy: our neighbor who had the stroke, Ms M, has an elderly orange and white cat. This was on their doorstep. Of course, it's where all the orange cats hang out. From the fur color i knew it wasn't Edward. I wasn't sure how it would affect Christine, but i knew she would rather know than not. I called her and let her know what i witnessed.

I did my best trying to move my thoughts away from thuggish racoons dragging cats out from under shrubbery, and discussed with myself the "conditions of enoughness" for the day. I don't know how my attention was pulled away -- the layers of grey in the cloudy sky? -- but suddenly i was slamming on the breaks, harder than i ever have. I remember choosing swing into the commuter lane and then realizing i had no idea who was oncoming behind me, and that i seemed like i was not going to hit the van ahead of me, so i swerved back into my lane. Blue grey smoke pooled around the car, and traffic continued at 20-some from the 65-some miles per hour.

When i got to work i did not feel grounded, and we began three hours of "training" on our Birkman personality profiles. The trainer is a woman who drives me nuts. She comes from a very different place than i do, i think, and i find i suspect her of many blind spots and prejudices. (Her women and math prejudice was loudly expressed some years ago in a flippant way: i just don't know how you get to be head of occupational development and blurt crap out.)

For the three hours we made LOTS of eye contact, and i tried hard to project interest and compliance. I'd had the training before, i'd already discovered the depth of her clarifying responses, so i just coasted. But being next to her out-going energy and her glib relating -- it's probably the glibness that triggers me, the frustration that someone asked a specific question and that her stock response didn't QUITE go to the question, just it's neighborhood -- drained me. In the 45 minutes for lunch and email, i found a colleague had rescheduled a 30 minute meeting over that time period, so i ate while chatting with her. It wasn't bad, and under usual situations it would have been fine, but i was drained.

Then there was a managers training meeting with her, where we corrected a few details on her hand outs. I engaged with her, and i wonder about how i do that when she also drives me so nuts. I think part of it was in the smaller group she's not in the same performing role as trainer. Then, she and i had a one on one where we discussed my detailed Birkman results.

For reference: my freakout over the instrument last summer: http://elainegrey.livejournal.com/1768736.html . I did, i think, share a little more about my distress over my working situation last summer than i "should" have, but no harm, either. I'm glad it wasn't last summer when i was so distressed by work, but now when i am far more grounded. The most remarkable event of the whole session was how the earth quaked and she kept talking. And talking and talking. I decided not to point it out. Don't unnecessarily distress the midwesterner with the earthquake.

Five plus hours of That Woman was really very spoon-expensive. I honored that in the evening: i did a short bit of stationary bike, some Highlander (season 2 is really quite bad), and some crochet while Christine practiced the mandolin.

Yesterday i ran errands and the errands stretched long because of long waits, one at a possible broken turn-light when i'd made a poor routing choice. It was red for so long some people pulled to the right of the turn lane and turned in front to the folks waiting for the light to turn green. It was a lovely morning, and i was listing to an Escape Pod (science fiction pod cast), so i could wait for the green.

I popped into a craft store as i drove by it on the way to recycle a box of packing peanuts. I ended up spending far more time wandering the store than i expected, purchasing fabric (wait) and hunting yarn that matched. I now have a new project to figure out how to make dragonflies out of gold crochet thread and blend that work in with a heavier weight yarn. That will be a runner to complement the new dark green dragonfly print i bought to seam into a table cloth.

If the fabric says it's not for children, does that mean it's dangerous for napkins? (I suddenly worry the "gold" metallic flecks on this Chinese made 100% cotton fabric will cause lead poisoning. Oh well. We lived in West Philly.)

At the grocery store i shopped very savvily but found the bill a bit more than i expected. It turns out that part of the increase was the three avocados i expected to pay no more than three dollars for turned out to be rung up as THIRTEEN. (Had i paid full price it would have been $37 worth of avocados.) I guess i will be "that woman" and go dicker over my receipt.

Notes went out to one older friend recovering from a hip or leg fracture, another to my grandfather and his wife. You can see the floor at my desk: i've sorted the confetti of receipts and prescription notes and incoming mail. We have taxes for today: this year, pretty simple, thus Extreme Procrastination. (I never fixed my W-whatever to have more withholding so we'll owe, we'll owe.) Next year, we'll need to itemize for the medical expenses.

There was a good deal of time yesterday where i was sitting around knowing that i had had an emotional refreshment break (thirty minutes experimenting with a crochet dragonfly) and i needed to move on to the goals i'd set for the day. I don't think they were impossible goals, but i dawdled enough. I think i had left plenty of room for pleasure -- even had i moved on to a few more of my to-dos i would have had time for watching shows with Christine (The Story of India with Michael Wood, the second part of the Monroe mystery), and splurging in the craft store.

Now it's time to bolt around, to attend Library committee (ah, yes, my perfectionism and guilt twinge there!) and worship. Can i now, before i really hit my BEGIN button, declare yesterday a good day, one in which i am proud of what i did? Can i say "Good girl!" Can i gently put aside the mixed feelings i have about bringing home a New Project?

I did pause at 5 pm to acknowledge that i had held out on sweets until 5 pm, that i felt good, and that as i reward i could have a little ice cream after dinner. Today we go to 5:30.

I am trying. Yay self! I'm planning and compassionately watching what is tried and done, i'm not unbalanced in my judgement. Not meeting my best guess is sometimes due to unpredictability and sometimes due to learning a new discipline. There were bits of both yesterday. We can keep moving. Yay self!

ETA: Ah, yes: i am *satisfied* but not delighted. That's the scale of measurement, of emotional measuring. I am not saying there's not room to improve, i'm just letting myself feel ....

Oh heavens, i have such an inner critic. "It wasn't a waste. It wasn't *bad*." Damnit, it is OK to say it was a beautiful and balanced day. I was not super human, and i had a pleasant time, and i made progress in different areas. Why am i such a curmudgeon with myself!

Library committee from tonight has been canceled. That's good as i've not done anything and we have a visit to the surgeon late this afternoon. It was going to be a very crowded day.

It's time for me to get back into calculating my spoons and considering my "conditions of enoughness."

Practices: To practice, to tune, and to accept.
Goals: Christine's surgery, career dreaming

Right now i don't feel like career dreaming: the loan we are taking on my 403b (similar to 401k) needs to be paid back in full if i leave the my current employer. I am not trapped, but my motivation is much lower. I also need to remind myself that career dreaming is not the same as looking for a new job. Positioning myself and preparing myself are different issues.

Still, for the next few months the real goal is moving through the surgery and recovery, keeping an even keel.

I also want to get back into the walking practice, now that it's light in the evening (oh, how i miss the morning glimmer).

I will be going off the prozac in a month or so, i figure. Most of the acute issues that weighed upon me last fall have turned: my mouth is back to normal, and my understanding of what is going on at work has undergone several significant revisions. I need to establish the walking practice and the spoon/"condition of enoughness" practices so that when the chemical support is removed, i can stand. My sense of insecurity/incompetence still courses through me at times: yesterday i was aware of my choice to not work weekends, of not being able to provide my team with all the information they need. Some is not my fault: i, too, must work without all the needed information. But i feel i've lost respect from a colleague, and it frustrates me. [There's more work and team worries.]

[Break to attend phone meeting; phone meeting canceled. Desire to get card written on plane in the mail: cannot find clipbox with correspondence. Hunt. Ask Christine to hunt. Ponder whether i've seen it since on flight. Consign it to the "lost" list in my mind. Find SFO has no lost and found. Find that Delta has a form, at least, to fill out. Recall bundle of lost items (glasses, journal) left on plane circa 2002 that were never recovered. Decide that there are no expectations of recovery.]

Instead of digging in to where i feel overwhelm and lack, though, i will turn to managing the now.
Yesterday, while driving to work i set an evening goal. I assumed i'd be home by 6, and decided i had two hours of spoons (i wouldn't assume anything beyond time). I decided i would do some crochet as a replenishment activity.

I turned out to be home closer to 7 pm, with my back twinging, but i did do some crochet and ran a shopping errand (to get more back pain analgesics plus all sorts of other things that make me feel terribly over the hill). Plus i called about Library committee. Wins all around! That was a reasonable set of evening activities.

WHY IS THIS ALL RUNNING TOGETHER?

Also, the cut is failing on DW.

On the really trivial issue of being part of an age minority, ( a little griping and comments about the movie RED ) Age biases is not really the topic that interests me this morning, but apparently i was still feeling awareness. --==∞==-- I spent all yesterday, my one lovely mostly-free day before i get on a plane again, playing with Ponoko, my personal factory. I've loved the idea since i read about it, asked for a gift certificate ages ago, recovered the lost gift certificate, and spent yesterday taking the time to exploit a 50% off coupon at the same time as the gift certificate. Now just to wait the weeks for my designs to be made. It was just a bunch of experiments, mostly. A notebook back for comb-bound systems in purple acrylic and a leather bottom for a crocheted small purse were my starters, with other bits of experimental effort to see what i think of the materials and the laser etching abilities. I have mixed feelings about the satisfaction from this. Partly, it wasn't exactly intentional, so all my other intentions clamor their sense of being left out. On the other hand, "Make something with Ponoko" has been on my wish list for AGES. I've never committed to it, as other priorities seemed too significant, but given the combination of opportunity - i grabbed it. I should feel satisfaction about this, i should feel delight in doing something that has been something i've wanted to do for ages. So, my challenge: how do i encourage and incorporate valuing that spontaneous deep-dive with the satisfaction practices. I recognize that deep-dives, where i do nothing but focus on the project at hand for hours and hours, are refreshing, renewing for me. I recognize that given all the many things i want to do, deep-dives are hard to allocate time to. I did let my deep dive be interrupted: i had two chats with friends on-line (pleasant and rare) and i worked while Christine was watching the 2006 movie Outsourced. One thing i valued about that movie was how it had the Avatar/Fern Gully cross culture romance thing going, but it didn't fall into the Avatar trap. In the evening we took a trip to this city to listen to Christine's instructor on the mandolin and mandola accompanied by his wife on mandola and a friend on guitar. I enjoyed the Baroque lute pieces transcribed for mandolin. The later pieces, which focus so much on the tremolo technique, were not as interesting to me. Off to Meeting, where the library committee is fixing the provided lunch.

I'm shipping an orchid to my grandmother for her birthday. She lives between Tampa and Saratoga. I spent a lot of time on the web seeing if any Florida orchid grower i could find would ship her one, starting with the many growers within an hour of her home. The growers that had online catalogs and would ship indicated that their orchid was "blooming size" and would bloom in the next year -- but the orchid was not in bloom currently. So, i'm using FTD. And her orchid is shipping from the Chicago area.

--==∞==--

I chose to take time off yesterday to deal with the car and just "be sane." From nine to noon was simply packed with car stuff. I wasn't as productive in the afternoon, poking the monthly report with a stick. Oh how the monthly report drives me nuts. Towards the top of the list is the monthly chance to feel like we're behind, i'm not leading effectually, etc. Then there's the sense that it's just meaningless fodder for a system that digests abstracted data to the point where no one could make an appropriate leadership decision from the reports.

We have a rental, some huge-to-me vehicle that will drink gasoline like mad. I may call the rental place on Friday and see if i can switch it. One lesson: Christine's zip car subscription is worth the premium price because of the time savings. The wait at the rental place was long and the choices were minimal. With the Zip car, well, one zips in and out. Now that there's a rental place for Zip cars in Los Altos, it's even more agreeable. (Why there's NOT a Zip car station at the Caltrain Station in Mountain View continues to mystify me.)

Helen's damage will be estimated by Thursday.

Entertaining was the claims adjuster speaking to Christine and i on the phone. I was Mrs [Grey] and she was Miss [Grey]. It's pretty clear on USAA's records that Christine is my spouse, since she transitioned years after we opened our bank accounts and insurance with them.

--==∞==--

I should be satisfied with yesterday evening. I estimated i could do .7 spoons (using a corrective factor from Sunday's over estimate). I did .6 spoons.

I'm having a hard time feeling satisfied: i took hours off work, was not effective, didn't commute, and i just barely met my estimate. But this is part of the deal i'm to be making with myself. I'm not superwoman. I took the time needed and Christine, with a terrible headache all morning that she napped off in the early afternoon, told me how much she appreciated me taking the lead (and taking the notes) on the initial insurance stuff.

I am satisfied that i chose to take care of us in a manner that kept us unstressed and at ease.
I am satisfied that i got a work call and my Monthly Report done.
I am satisfied that i met my expectations for getting things done in the evening.

(And oh how there are voices that are screaming dissent with all this!)

Today, going to the office after phone calls. Home. I don't see this being a particularly stressful day, so i'm going to keep the same .7 spoon estimate. (To give a sense of scale, an hour interacting with people would be 1.3 spoons, an hour exercising would be .9 spoons.)

Did Vikings navigate by polarized light?
'Sunstone' crystals may have helped seafarers to find the Sun on cloudy days.
http://www.nature.com/news/2011/110131/full/news.2011.58.html?s=news_rss&utm_source=feedburner&utm_medium=feed&utm_campaign=Feed:+news/rss/news_s13+(NatureNews+-+Physics)

--==∞==--

Christine's fine, but she was in an accident today. Insurance company tag begins tomorrow morning. I may end up working at home tomorrow.

--==∞==--

Meeting was intense for me, with a sense that i needed to plant a seed of hope that there is a way for the both aspects of me that i value professionally to play a role in work (as was clear to N that i want both) despite the assertions on Friday that the two parts can both be done well. In some ways, i know i am not doing both well. But maybe ... so ... HOPE.

And then i remembered years ago, planting the seed of joy, and how there is no way to eradicate the joy, it is always with me, and will thrive when i shelter it and water it.

The certainty of the promise was so present with me during worship -- yet for all the wonder, physically i am tense and feeling drained as i have these realizations.

My mind wandered to craft work and thinking about using the butane torch on copper wire. (http://www.how-to-make-jewelry.com/balled-wire-headpins.html) After imagining/planning i realized how refreshed i was, how the tightness of the sense of gifted joy had disappated.

This seems to be a good way to regulate my energy.

--==∞==--

I estimated that i would have 3.3 spoons to spend between noon-5 today, 2 spoons just from the 5 hours. At the end, i'd only spent 1.8 spoons over the 2 hours (not that i had much left over).

Some reasons why i didn't have 3.3 spoons

- broke blender, burning out the motor until is smoked making a veatloaf
- veatloaf is "off" (beansprouts giving it a edge?)**
- one hour watching TV (queasy tummy due to blender fumes?)
- accident stress

** interestingly, once i realized the off flavor was due to the protein powder i was "getting rid of" by including in the veat loaf, i didn't feel so disappointed and was able to move on more cheerfully.

Inspired by a comment from gurdonark i poked at the Delta web site and various travel websites to discover i might have enough miles for a trip to Hawaii at the end of the next three trips east. I've never had the airline loyalty to build up miles, before. I think that American Airline's tiff with Orbitz may have something to do with the ease of sticking to one airline.

I've also talked on the phone to the flex benefits folks. They're cutting checks now (yay!) but the website is still unavailable to me. I must wait for a link that will allow me to create an account. Progress, at least, in that it appears if one had an account, one could log in. Also, instead of insisting on IE 5.5 as a browser, the message says "Internet Explorer Version 5.5 or higher is required to properly utilize this web site." One hopes that other modern browsers are acceptable as well.

--==∞==--

I'm trying to set slight more ambitious yet flexible goals for the evening. I realized i would have been able to claim satisfaction had i fiddled with digital images last night. I'm pondering a way that i can offer myself a menu of small actions and build my sense of satisfaction by choosing some from the menu until i've met some "budget." The point would be to assess how many decispoons the actions take, then figure out how many spoons i think would be reasonable to spend in an evening.

Tonight, two spoons. Then i can say i'm satisfied if i spend two spoons on any combination of things. Tonight, i'll say at least two different things: i can't spend the two spoons all on just doing correspondence. This allows me to set a goal of what would be satisfying, while maintaining the flexibility of meeting the type of energy i may have this evening. I might have the energy to exercise, but not correspond; the energy to do a chore, but not do something creative.

I can also set a goal now of trying to have the energy to do a particular thing (tonight, going to Meeting for Worship, for example), but if i just don't wanna (because i find myself working to the time to leave), i can exchange that commitment to self for another one that is more appropriate.

I

The new bamboo fleece was definitely more comfortable than the towels.

--==∞==--
( Whining about teaching myself satisfaction )

--==∞==--

Today's reminder from "The Comfort Queen" is that i should find a promise i've made to myself, one too vague, too unspecific, and either drop it or rectify so it's something i can achieve. ("I am so smart. S-M-R-T." Meow) I'm not coming up with something like that. I am coming up with fuzzy "shoulds." This may be where my stuckness comes in: i know i can't meet the shoulds, that the shoulds are impossible, but i spend energy denying them to see them rise up again, instead of negotiating with them to transform them into possible tasks.

Favorite headline this morning: "Candy Dynamics Recalls Toxic Waste® brand Nuclear Sludge® Chew Bars"

--==∞==--

I sprang for _The Satisfaction Finder_ (digital booklet, couple hours of audio files, some random emails). She writes of the hounds of more more more, and i hear the echoes of my experience.

Just in that blog post she shares a few good techniques that i might find useful:

* acknowledging the alert, affirming the intent, but firmly turning the urge down: “Thank you for sharing. I know you are afraid I’m going to miss out on life by not doing enough and I will miss my life if I keep listening to you. Life is happening right here right now and you need to be quiet so I can live it,” and “Thank you for reminding me how vast and wonderful life is. And I’m only human so back off now.”

* romping: One of my favorites is to create a special “day book” where each of your desires gets as much room to play as it wants. Say you want to learn Sanskrit. You open to a fresh page, write Learn Sanskrit, and then go wild dreaming. “Study for a year in India, make a film about the history of the language, become a scholar in the schools, do a photo exhibit of images and poetry…” The Hounds love this kind of wild romp –you get some peace from them without having to actually do anything; plus you learn that you don’t have to follow up on each of your desires!

One of the most resonant comments in my initial experience of The Satisfaction Finder was reading, "Do not wait to read these emails until you have time. Waiting for enough time is a sign that the Hounds of more, more, more are after you. Resist!"

--==∞==--


Surely one place the "hounds of more, more, more" get out of control is in my reading materials. I think i'm doing reasonably well managing the flood of incoming. I don't feel compelled to catch up on the Facebook or Twitter or other blog floods (staying up to date on LiveJournal and DreamWidth is a priority for me, though). I do spend a great deal of time reading widely and not deeply, and i treat my entertainment lightly.

I wouldn't mind experimenting with tracking what i read, but i'd not found a good place to do so -- until yesterday it occurred to me i could use Evernote. (I am falling in love with both Yojimbo and Evernote, so similar, yet slightly different.) Yesterday during my unmotivated time at work, i created an Evernote notebook to keep my reading notes in. I've tracked the reading materials i acquired the last few days of 2010 and since. Acquisition seems to imply some sort of commitment, and i added some audio works. I won't track every podcast (not that i listen to that many) but that's yet another fuzzy line *and* because there's no way i can be a completist, it seems reasonable to do some tracking.

At the moment, there are 16 entries: six Kindle books (one in progress), two new Audibles (plus the third purchased in 2002, currently listening, an audio play of Henry V), three physical books (two of which i've started), three entries about the Escape Pod podcasts (one documenting my new commute play list, two documenting stories that stood out in the ride home of the past few weeks), and one about the new eBook. It's the 14th of January. There's a problem here.

I think it's good to see it, and, i'll admit: the kindle downloads were a sickday whim and the audiobooks were an investment against the February cross country flights. But accumulating these does create that sense of pressure to act.

(And there's the book on my bedside table -- right. I guess that goes on this list as well.)

--==∞==--

PS: if you're concerned about the national *internet* ID initiative, read http://www.fastcompany.com/1715659/national-identity-cyberspace-why-we-shouldnt-freak-out-about-nstic