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Not quite a week has passed since i last wrote.
I've been busy. Part was work in which i was trying to focus and deliver a finished something. Part is the weather has changed and i have worked hard in the yard.
Part is looking at my past with a lens of understanding a little of what ADHD means chemically (a dopamine deficiency) and exploring the idea that i (and my siblings and my mother and my sister's daughter) have ADHD. My brother's eldest son has been diagnosed with it.
Interpreting some of my parents' interactions, my mother's anxiety through the lens of that condition -- so much makes more sense. Mom never went past reading every self help book and diagnosing everyone else: we've all wondered what was at the root of her anger and unhappiness.
Some differences between Christine and i, i see now as having a significant amount of "me ADHD, you not." Christine, i speculate, had assigned them all as "weird things my spouse's family does." Not all of the "weird things" are explained, but it does hit some.
It's been a relief in some ways: things that are struggles and hard might have a reason i find them such a struggle and so hard.
It's also made me aware of hyperfocus and various attempts to get various things done. I a little more aware of not leaving things unfinished. Or leaving them unfinished to move on to the next thing. Of leaving things out and being distracted by them later.
It's like a dimension has been added to my universe, a focus-distraction dimension. It's like a type of gravity, a force that pulls things a certain way. Various aspects of moving about the day i now see as related, not independent struggles or demands.
I took a road trip Monday with my parents and my aunt. My heart broke a bit over my Mom and her not wanting to get out of the car. There's some ways in which my father and COVID have reinforced her limited horizon and shut-in-ness. I don't know what to think about the "toileting" issue, where i asked and asked, and she declined. I suppose we should have given her no choice at the park and just taken her in. I did channel my sister a little, not giving mom a choice about getting out at Pilot Mountain and i think she emotionally shifted a bit to enjoying it after a bit. But she was also a little anxious and we, as her wheelchair motors, weren't charming as we struggled a bit. If i was her, i'd hate being a burden and would want to minimize it (and thus stay shut in).
I need to keep working on finding things to take Mom to do.
On Wednesday i will go to the art museum with my aunt, sister, and mother. giving my Dad a quick break from my aunt before she returns to Florida. I know her visits are not a break for my Dad but a bit exhausting.
--== ∞ ==--
When i just let the cats and Carrie out into the yard, the sky was sparkling despite the great bright moon lighting up the landscape. I watched a bright satellite cross the sky. Water dripped from the roof: we had heavy rains in the late evening.
I've been busy. Part was work in which i was trying to focus and deliver a finished something. Part is the weather has changed and i have worked hard in the yard.
Part is looking at my past with a lens of understanding a little of what ADHD means chemically (a dopamine deficiency) and exploring the idea that i (and my siblings and my mother and my sister's daughter) have ADHD. My brother's eldest son has been diagnosed with it.
Interpreting some of my parents' interactions, my mother's anxiety through the lens of that condition -- so much makes more sense. Mom never went past reading every self help book and diagnosing everyone else: we've all wondered what was at the root of her anger and unhappiness.
Some differences between Christine and i, i see now as having a significant amount of "me ADHD, you not." Christine, i speculate, had assigned them all as "weird things my spouse's family does." Not all of the "weird things" are explained, but it does hit some.
It's been a relief in some ways: things that are struggles and hard might have a reason i find them such a struggle and so hard.
It's also made me aware of hyperfocus and various attempts to get various things done. I a little more aware of not leaving things unfinished. Or leaving them unfinished to move on to the next thing. Of leaving things out and being distracted by them later.
It's like a dimension has been added to my universe, a focus-distraction dimension. It's like a type of gravity, a force that pulls things a certain way. Various aspects of moving about the day i now see as related, not independent struggles or demands.
I took a road trip Monday with my parents and my aunt. My heart broke a bit over my Mom and her not wanting to get out of the car. There's some ways in which my father and COVID have reinforced her limited horizon and shut-in-ness. I don't know what to think about the "toileting" issue, where i asked and asked, and she declined. I suppose we should have given her no choice at the park and just taken her in. I did channel my sister a little, not giving mom a choice about getting out at Pilot Mountain and i think she emotionally shifted a bit to enjoying it after a bit. But she was also a little anxious and we, as her wheelchair motors, weren't charming as we struggled a bit. If i was her, i'd hate being a burden and would want to minimize it (and thus stay shut in).
I need to keep working on finding things to take Mom to do.
On Wednesday i will go to the art museum with my aunt, sister, and mother. giving my Dad a quick break from my aunt before she returns to Florida. I know her visits are not a break for my Dad but a bit exhausting.
--== ∞ ==--
When i just let the cats and Carrie out into the yard, the sky was sparkling despite the great bright moon lighting up the landscape. I watched a bright satellite cross the sky. Water dripped from the roof: we had heavy rains in the late evening.
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