elainegrey

Last Monday i made a highly satisfactory loaf of buckwheat blender bread. I added rehydrated and blended dried figs from 2022 as part of the liquid, that worked fairly well but the previous loaf with chunks of dried figs and dates held promise.

This loaf included one packet of dated-2015 quick yeast. Maybe that helped a little with the fermentation. I also think i did a better job getting the oven warm enough to support fermentation without overwarming. The first rise of the batter went well, and the second in the pan filled up the pullman pan. The loaf is very moist and probably could have benefited from true baking instead of convection bake: it sank a little in cooling.



I continue to be happy with my toasted buckwheat groats as cereal.

This weekend i made barley out of well soaked and just barely sprouting grain. It's going to be a pleasant preparation for grain bowls, and i can imagine dressing in a minty chimichurri would be divine. I spent some time reading and discerned the easy to get pearled barley is the "highly processed" choice. You can get hulled barley, where the barley is processed to remove the hull, or there is hulless barley -- which come from a number of selections where the grain falls out and threshing and doesn't need to be processed. There's some black and purple versions with various stories behind them. My guess is that like corn and other grasses, the color genes are there to be selected and stewarded in multiple cases. I'm imagining growing a hulless barley someday. Let's get the sorghum seed grown fro dried flower arrangement, first.

The week was disjoint and frustrating with internet outage, an attempt to get a blood panel done that failed due to overworked doctor failing to give good instructions and put through the lab order, and general malaise. I took much of Thursday and all Friday off. I realized that with the nasal surgery, i wouldn't be able to distinguish between a head-cold and a sinus infection. A tele-visit concurred that i probably had a sinus infection, so i have antibiotics and an increase in the asthma meds to help me perk back up.

We have a couch from "Rooms to Go" which is probably a better quality than Ikea, but not by much. We've been using it very regularly for six and a half years, so it's been a bit worn out. I've been thinking about how to improve it. The springs are a little tired, so i've found seating slats that can distribute weight more across the springs. We've installed those: a clear win. I've bought foam to replace the seat and back cushions: that's in progress. I am uncertain about how satisfactory my plans for the back are. It's lines are not well matched to most current slipcovers, so that took a long time to sort out. I believe i have found some adequate solutions in grey. And i bought some spiral upholstery pins that may assist with keeping things from going too askew. So far it looks sloppy and terrible, and i have Internal JudgyJudgyJudgy Voice going on, I'm trying to remind myself that it's not done yet. But, wow, am i self critical.

Friday i met my sister and Dad and we went through some of Mom's jewelry and some of Dad's things. There were pieces that told stories about family: tie pins from one of my Dad's employers and pins and charms from my grandmother's long service with Ma Bell. Pins my grandfather gave my grandmother to show he was a submariner and a similar pin from my SeaBee father to my mother. My parents' wedding rings. Instead of trying to split those up, we decided to pool them and have them all mounted and framed together as a family history. Someday maybe the nephews and nieces will split it, or maybe one will have become the clear family historian.

My Dad apparently was left a little down by it, and i had mixed feelings too. Missing my brother a little, but also the -- frustration and judgement i feel about his family and their sense of care of things felt heavy.

I will try this week to post more often, and more briefly. We'll see! My follow through on self commitments is not what i would like, lately.

From a chat thread with my siblings and father, just archiving:
( Read more... )

Much going on. Mom's birthday was on Wednesday, and I went out with my sister, her son, and my Dad, returning with them to home and a condolence cheesecake that i had saved to share, as cheesecake was my mom's favorite (or what my dad thought of as my mom's favorite).

Thursday i found much work from Tuesday and Wednesday was lost. I was in a bit of a funk. Then the Queen died, triggering what i think was displaced grief. And then Christine was triggered and went a little porcupine. I made the mistake of trying to be an advisor and triggered her more.

Lately i've reflected on how judged she felt by my parents, ( ruminating ... )i am not her therapist. I know she works -- and progresses -- at being better with being in the world. I can focus on being my own therapist.

I didn't hit my 7k steps Wednesday or Thursday, inhibited by the muggy miserable weather, plus stuff. I didn't walk today because it was ALL MEETINGS. I did walk a bit after work and vaccine and visiting Dad with Christine and Carrie, but still didn't get to 7k.

I've gotten my flu shot and one of the new bivalent COVID vaccines, just in time for it to come to full strength before i go to the office in Ohio for a week.

We've also gone through another round of vehicle shopping and will be replacing our 24 year old Ranger truck with a 12 year old Jeep Grand Cherokee, picking up the vehicle later this morning.

--== ∞ ==--

Since Tuesday i have been obsessing over sauce recipes. I read through a copycat Heinz 57 from scratch recipe which called for tomato paste, ketchup, Worcestershire sauce, and Dijon mustard. I then looked up how to make ketchup, Worcestershire sauce, and dijon mustard from scratch. There were MANY overlaps in ingredients. I had known about tamarind and anchovies in Worcestershire sauce (also in the Heinz 57 recipe). Ketchup apparently needs a touch of celery seed. The copycat Heinz 57 sauce recipe, ketchup, and Worcestershire sauce all called for mustard powder, so the addition of Dijon to the copycat recipe stood out.

I've imagined what ingredients we have locally that i could use. For spices, magnolia flowers have a ginger-cardamon note. The Carolina allspice has spice and citrus notes. The figs. Fennel instead of celery seed, maybe coriander. The cayenne pepper has miraculously stretched above the weeds and is setting fruit. I've got the walking onions. I imagine when the sumac is mature enough to set fruit and i can use its berries for the citrusy tart spice.

I figure a mushroom can contribute umami to a sauce, because sardines and anchovies are not staples in this household, and i can't imagine using them all up. I note after a little research that anchovy paste is a thing and conceivably lasts forever in its tube.

Friday I made a wonderful sauce that falls in the "steak sauce" family, but no tomato. Reminiscent of Worcestershire but thicker, like ketchup and mustard. Many very ripe figs, a dried mushroom, a wedge of preserved lime, fermented ginger, pickled red onion, cider vinegar, molasses, liquid smoke, mustard, red pepper flakes, and black pepper. I only measured the mustard, the rest was what seemed reasonable at the moment. I think the fig+preserved lime create tamarind-like notes. The preserved lime and fermented ginger had much salt. The pickled onions had clove and cinnamon maybe: i think i added spices to the brine. The trick of letting the mustard powder and water blend sit for a while to develop mustard heat before fixing the heat with vinegar really added a punch.

I think this could be a fun skill to develop.

Here's a weird document -- is it from an AI? https://eatdelights.com/anchovy-paste-shelf-life/ It claims that sweet anchovy paste is used in buttercream frosting?

Mom passed June 1st at 11:25.(This is twenty-one years after Christine's father passed away on the same day. Christine refers to it as the universe rhyming.) My sister was with her. She had brushed Mom's hair and washed her face, and was listening to John Denver's "Sunshine on My Shoulder" when Marie's breathing slowed, slowed, and then gently stopped. She had called Dad and i, but it was over very quickly. I arrived soon after. (And i lie to facebook and say Dad did too, but he did not)

Christine had dropped me off, and then came in. What could she do? I gathered a few things we wouldn't need including the empty mason jar we'd given Dad vodka in. She said she'd go get him some more. We pinged my brother N-- and fifteen minutes later he responded. His trans pacific flight had landed and he was getting his luggage at SFO before transitioning to his interstate flights. We were able to tell him about thirty minutes after Mom passed.

L's husband T-- showed up soon and was comforting L-- when Christine returned with vodka, a bottle of Absolut with Swedish water and winter wheat in honor of my mother for my Dad and a lovely Japanese vodka for L & T (and Grey Goose for our household, which will last forever because i won't use it to make extracts).

Christine and T left before Dad arrived. T would go collect all the guns at the ranch and Christine handled finding them a place to be kept. I didn't think of it, and i don't think it was necessary, but i approved on the principle that if Dad would be upset by it, it was the right thing to do, and if he didn't mind, then shrug, no harm. Most are rifles and shotguns, handed down through the family. (My brother, after hearing my sister and i relate this, noted that it seemed he would not need to debate with any of us over which guns he wanted.)

When Dad arrived we left him with Mom and went to the patio where L called Mom's brother, and I called her sister (my namesake).

Then there was the long afternoon sitting with Mom's body and Dad. At first, we thought we could bring my brother there to the hospice, but his arrival was too late for the body to be removed in the window allowed. I drove Dad to his home, and my sister picked me up around 6:30. Dad had consumed about half of the vodka.

A few hours later she picked me up so we could meet my brother at the airport after the 11 pm flight arrival. We returned him to my father who had only a little bit more of the vodka and seemed to be doing OK.

Mom's sister was going to take Amtrak up here, but instead went to the emergency room with a fairly concerning symptom. We don't have news. Her husband had been in the hospital through Tuesday for surgery for a kidney stone, so that's not easy either. Mom would want me to take care of Judy: i ponder what to do. ... so i tracked down her details (about the same time my sister could relay the details from a family member in Florida) and i had a short chat. Sounds like nothing horrible is happening.

Later, nothing horrible but some concerning issues with my aunt.

Mid-day i was distressed i couldn't find my inhaler and purse. Had my sister check her car, and eventually checked my Dad's place. After my mid-day outing i found it, "Found the purse & within the inhaler. It was near where I have to shut the garage lights off. I found it because the garage lights were still on. ADHD distraction for the win."

Because i was going to look for the purse, i drove my mom's cousin to my dad's place. All was lovely until complained about the large campaign signs for sheriff (up since last winter for an election in the coming November). He mentioned their governor's campaign and their hero Ron DeSantis. "I don't know your opinion of DeSantis," he said. Really? You can't guess? I was polite as possible saying people in the state get to judge their governor. I have to say the witholding funding from schools that had masking covid policies was what first came to mind and not the Don't Say Gay bill, but i DO have STRONG opinions about that man. That put me in a funk, too.

When i got home i got a text from my manager, checking in. I shared my news; he inquired if he should cancel the 14 June summit in Ohio. Oh, so, we do have a plan to meet in Ohio. So there's that. I said no: i think i'll be doing OK, and my brother is here with my dad. Later, my Dad will be alone (and i wonder when the rhinoplasty will be).

I spent over an hour looking at bulbs.

Time line, because there are lots of who knew what when sorts of details that i want to be able to assure myself of in the future. Anyhow, way much detail --spending one day recording the previous day.

Dad has told his cousin C--, his sister C--, their neighbors. He plans to tell the minister tomorrow (although maybe he's changed his mind).

( Cut for overwhelming detail )

08:17 i had hoped to wake to a rescue inhaler prescription but no go. I took much of yesterday off because i felt exhausted & enveloped in brain fog. I didn't help Dad make it to the monthly support group because of that, plus a power outage at his house and Mom's distress in bad weather.

We are beginning to talk about Mom going into care in a Memory unit. I know that will mean More out of me, doing my share of visiting with her. I find the thought of helping Dad move daunting. I've boxes of papers from Mom and Grandmámá stacked around.

We really need to work on the garage conversion. It feels like a horse shoe nail: getting that space and storage to bring ease elsewhere.

I observe i am borrowing exhaustion from the future when i have plenty for the moment.

In really good news, the APAP should be here tomorrow night. YAY.

22:10 I got a rescue inhaler. There was too much headache and, because you have to manage your own healthcare, i asked for what had been proscribed in the past which is now a high copay drug. I wish i had looked at the formulary and found the current preferred drug. Oh well, i've been able to take two doses today, and i am going to continue taking max doses until my energy gets back. The thought of the rigamarole to get a doctor's appointment for prednisone if this were to get worse makes me sad.

The Phillies don't seem like they're going to beat the Braves (boo, hiss). The Orioles and Yankees are tied in the tenth inning: I hope the Orioles win.

In good news, Grandmámá changed her mind about coming to NC. In bad news, when i was doing a transfer of Mom yesterday i may have let her stroke-damaged (not exactly paralyzed) arm get damaged. My sister will be making a decision later today to get Mom an x-ray.

--== ∞ ==--

2022-01-31 M: I'm taking Mom's papers as my sister tries to lighten the household load. I've created a relational database in which i can track the documents, events, ideas. I'm thinking a great deal about the emotional labor Mom supplied for the family,. On Sunday morning Christine watched "American Masters | Amy Tan: Unintended Memoir." Amy Tan's sharing of her relationship with her mother and how much of Amy Tan's writing came about through working through her feelings and reflections about her family history resonates with the actions i am beginning. We are not at a point in our relationship where i can show my mother i understand her, unlike how Amy Tan's relationship with her mother drover Amy Tan's writing. What struck me most was Amy Tan's assertion in the documentary about her being a boomer searching through her history. And that reminded much more of my mother and how my mother accumulated family history and documents, read history, and collected and archived information. Did Mom wanted or need some anchoring? Or was it part of her unending quest to fix herself?


When it comes to understanding Mom, the lens of ADHD offers so much more revelation than years and years of reflection. Admittedly, I was happy to let Mom's brokenness be Mom's mystery: my goal was to help myself and i knew helping Mom was out of my ability.

--== ∞ ==--

2022-02-03 H: I have a couple banker's boxes of files in the car to bring in, along with a file crate. I'm wondering about a creating a book of days -- she always collected quotations and meditations; she observed holidays and the change of seasons; she fixed the same special but simple meals for St Patrick's Day, Halloween, Valentines'd Day; and she kept up with birthdays and other changes in people's lives.


I ponder -- if i ever finish the tea towels i have stashed to make -- whether making tea towels that celebrate her memory -- with her quotations and pictures, or a collage of her saved clippinga about Sweden at Christmas, at Midsummer might be meaningful.

I'm feeling a little dislocated in time and task. I got some things i was procrastinating (retreat prep) on underway, but others remain. I feel guilt on the retreat prep: not enough outreach, and now it's a month away.

The "snow fall" -- really accumulated sleet -- lingers around our house. We're on a north slope, with tall pines to our south: passive air conditioning, i joke. In the early spring, when others have flowers, i remind myself that i appreciate it in July and August. Because Christine loves snow, i am happy it lingers here. I suspect today's rain will wash the remaining bits away before the new accumulation occurs.

Best moment - i was in the yard with Carrie under a cloudy moon when i felt like a spotlight was cast upon me. The clouds cleared and the full moon on the snow was so very bright.

There's going to be a bit of below freezing weather, and all the greens that haven't died or been eaten by rabbits, i've brought in. I just ordered rabbit fencing. I want to plant my seeds, but know it will all be mown down by the critters. I heaped the pine straw around half of the fava bean plants (to see if it makes a difference). I piled some more on where the dahlias are and the lemon grass. I don't think the lemon grass will make it. The dahlias -- maybe? I can't remember if they survived the severe winter in 2017-18. The other winters since we moved here have been mild.

https://mrcc.purdue.edu/AWSSI/chart.html?stn=RDUthr

(For US locations, this average winter severity calculation is a nice way to visualize winter weather effects. See also https://mrcc.purdue.edu/research/awssi/indexAwssi.jsp)

MLK day: went to a zoom workshop on voting rights

Tuesday: took Mom to the Nasher Art Museum to get her out from under all the construction going on (new flooring in the first floor bedrooms at M&D's house, easier to clean and roll a wheel chair on). It's the first time she and i have been out together, just us, since her stroke. The accursed pandemic has kept her so bound in.

I feel like i'm feral when i sit down at a table: i knocked a drink over.

Next step, getting oriented to her church so i can take her there.

A sense of weariness comes from that trip -- i dunno if it was all physical or grief at seeing her so stoke crippled. She noticed a custom plate on a car at a stop light. It makes me realize how present she really can be. It's hard to know how much is going on in her head, between the aphasia (she can't communicate well) and memory loss (she really can't remember some things, including things where she had such mastery and expertise, and things that happened long ago). When she gives confused responses to questions i know the answer to, i can't tell if it's communication, or if she really didn't remember or understand what happened to her just a few days prior.

Yesterday: a no drama birthday for Christine, who turned off everything and just didn't respond to people reaching out. Yay. Last year was over the top with her sister getting all overwrought.

I am in the fuzzy place of "do i have a cold or is this allergies," but I'm not 100%.

I was in a happy place for Tuesday's therapy, and i was asked what had me so happy. New car? Lovely weather? Time with sister? Christine in good cheer?

Christine was in a terrible mood due to Some Other Person when i got out of therapy -- she only just pulled out of her funk well after 5 pm -- and i did find myself feeling more down. Also, strange tensions with my boss as i think he's feeling more uncertain about his role with the recent reorg. So up and down, with some evidence other's moods do affect mine despite my trying to keep a sense of "this is my mood, that is yours."

She ran an errand just as i was taking lunch, and i thought she'd be back, so i sat reading while eating, waiting. I finally went out to get mail at the end of my lunch break and found her sitting in the truck. My waiting wasn't really conscious; i only realized it when i was disappointed. I ended up working late on Tuesday so didn't get outside time. I hope to rake a little during the lunch break today.

--== ∞ ==--

Mom is home from the hospital, and Dad got a shout out in the visit notes, "Lovely husband providing phenomenal home care and support in setting of past CVA [cerebrovascular accident, aka stroke] w/ ongoing deficits."

I observe my mother's voice in my mind, bitterly dismissing any praise of Dad. "He snowed them, fooled them. They don't know him really." So glad that's the only place i hear that voice now. I do wish i could evict it. I used it to bolster my faith in Dad's care, and try to downgrade my worry about the toileting difficulties.

My sister reports my brother is going to help my dad re-structure bits of the house to make things easier for him. This will be fantastic. AND my sister is not going to be angry about my brother keeping his stuff in the house: what a win!

--== ∞ ==--

Kitta grau, the rye sour culture, is being refreshed. In our cold house i am putting the jar of culture on top of a mug of boiling water and wrapping with a towel. I've decided that just in general our house is too cold. Rye bakers probably had a stove that was pretty warm even if their houses were generally colder.

Not quite a week has passed since i last wrote.

I've been busy. Part was work in which i was trying to focus and deliver a finished something. Part is the weather has changed and i have worked hard in the yard.

Part is looking at my past with a lens of understanding a little of what ADHD means chemically (a dopamine deficiency) and exploring the idea that i (and my siblings and my mother and my sister's daughter) have ADHD. My brother's eldest son has been diagnosed with it.

Interpreting some of my parents' interactions, my mother's anxiety through the lens of that condition -- so much makes more sense. Mom never went past reading every self help book and diagnosing everyone else: we've all wondered what was at the root of her anger and unhappiness.

Some differences between Christine and i, i see now as having a significant amount of "me ADHD, you not." Christine, i speculate, had assigned them all as "weird things my spouse's family does." Not all of the "weird things" are explained, but it does hit some.

It's been a relief in some ways: things that are struggles and hard might have a reason i find them such a struggle and so hard.

It's also made me aware of hyperfocus and various attempts to get various things done. I a little more aware of not leaving things unfinished. Or leaving them unfinished to move on to the next thing. Of leaving things out and being distracted by them later.

It's like a dimension has been added to my universe, a focus-distraction dimension. It's like a type of gravity, a force that pulls things a certain way. Various aspects of moving about the day i now see as related, not independent struggles or demands.





I took a road trip Monday with my parents and my aunt. My heart broke a bit over my Mom and her not wanting to get out of the car. There's some ways in which my father and COVID have reinforced her limited horizon and shut-in-ness. I don't know what to think about the "toileting" issue, where i asked and asked, and she declined. I suppose we should have given her no choice at the park and just taken her in. I did channel my sister a little, not giving mom a choice about getting out at Pilot Mountain and i think she emotionally shifted a bit to enjoying it after a bit. But she was also a little anxious and we, as her wheelchair motors, weren't charming as we struggled a bit. If i was her, i'd hate being a burden and would want to minimize it (and thus stay shut in).

I need to keep working on finding things to take Mom to do.

On Wednesday i will go to the art museum with my aunt, sister, and mother. giving my Dad a quick break from my aunt before she returns to Florida. I know her visits are not a break for my Dad but a bit exhausting.

--== ∞ ==--

When i just let the cats and Carrie out into the yard, the sky was sparkling despite the great bright moon lighting up the landscape. I watched a bright satellite cross the sky. Water dripped from the roof: we had heavy rains in the late evening.