elainegrey

I got triggered during a meeting yesterday: ( long )
Still not getting anything done at work. This might help.

I think that right now

1) i am still in a transition of awareness about ADHD and how that mental architecture makes some things easier (hyperfocus and my understanding of things at work) and other things harder (understanding time, getting out of focus, relational things - apparently, overcoming procrastination). In fact, i've found a whole new way to understand the procrastination that has shaped my life for decades. This has been about a year at this point. In the long run, i think this will give me more skills to handle my goals and desires and more energy (because i will be working with my strengths instead of fighting my weaknesses), but right now i think this is an energy and attention sink.

2) while grief about my mother's and grandmother's death doesn't press against me day to day, the tremor of change across the family is significant. I hold concern for my Dad, hoping he can recover from the double grief that has come on top of the double weights of responsibility and care giving. I'm not sure when addressing the unsustainable situation my grandmother was in with her caregiver began -- i think there was a September meeting with my Dad and sister before a more urgent meeting at Thanksgiving. And that followed the three years of my mother's stroke care needs. The weight of worry has lifted, but replenishing the reserves is still to come. And i do worry about Dad. At least i am learning to say yes to his invitations instead of putting them off.

3) I'm exercising and stretching. Will be rewarded in the long run. Pay now. Ugh. This began , erm, August. 92 days says the bell pepper badge on my phone.

4) Work is introducing a wave of Let's Change and Do New Stuff because New People. That takes capacity. I can't coast at work right now.

5) Yesterday was the first of the mind set changing class which didn't feel in any way toxic or manipulative, but did consume a huge about of energy that was needed for the afternoon.

I write the list to pay attention to #1 and #3 -- new patterns take energy. (And because #1, i need to acknowledge they are more expensive than neurotypicals might find them and it's OK that it's harder for me. Compassion for my self.)

#2 might be a cost that i have, even though i want to believe that with the worry over i have more capacity.

#4 is an uncertainty, and i need to recognize it's going on.

#5 is why i just turned off all yesterday after work and didn't feel unwound even after hours of intentional rest. I'll need to be more careful with next week.

All this to encourage myself to be optimistic and not go to the woe, i have taken on too much with the yard, i can't manage anything other than work and brushing my teeth.

Last night we sat at the picnic table with the string of solar LED lights and played a game of Gin Rummy. The wind in the trees, the very comfortable temperatures: it was heavenly. The game was fun too: i actually won all the first half of the game, and then Christine went Gin and tied. Eventually Christine won, but i'm winning enough hands that it feels competitive.

The day had not gone that well for me - just feeling very uncentered about work. And then, the question as to whether i could come to Ohio in June, just after i find two colleagues who had been in the office have COVID. I have only seen one person wearing a freeking mask in any of the video calls. Guess i will be masked.

Mom's carer is concerned about M&D. So, there's going to be some difficult Dad wrangling. And today is a bit of getting on the same page with Dad and my sister with the doctor. The concerns with Mom & Dad aren't getting easier.

I spent all evening communicating instead of being in the yard - work email, then Dad facetime, then a phone call (that at least i took while in the yard). Tonight is a facetime mediation session that last night's call was prep for. (I am attending as support.) I hope i can get outside and plant the corn seedlings.

Tuesday midafternoon: i'm feeling out of it, "hangover" from last week. And then i find my friend and colleague from work is believes she is going to be let go because of the resistance to people working from home (plus, probably, some mix of racism and sexism). She has a stroke survivor mother at home who needs 24/7 attention and has happily been working from home since before the pandemic. But that doesn't count anymore. I am sick about it: guilt that i can work from home, so special, angry about some of the bad dynamics that are microagressions from one frame. ("Oh that's just T---, always so negative, but he doesn't mean any harm," is the other frame.)

Tuesday evening: teared up in conversation with Dad, triggered by frustration with his exhaustion and self preoccupation. He was complaining about his long hard day, and i just sort of snapped. I felt all of my exhaustion and the sense of trying to carry him and support him and his fighting it.

Wednesday I woke too early after sleeping too warm. I see the outside temperature just kissed 32°F as i was making tea; the skies are clear with Venus blazing away in the trees at magnitude -4 (which is very very bright as the larger the number the dimmer the star).

I played my first wordle Monday evening, and one again Tuesday morning, and then last night. I'm using the NYTimes version (no app required). I don't need one more entertainment that becomes a job, but it has been diverting

News from my sister is that B-- has broken up with her boyfriend and is moving in with my parents which is .... not shocking but also going to be interesting about boundary setting.

And i'm focused on planning a trip to Grandmámá's house as soon as she leaves to pack up and be Dad's eyes and hands. I was planning on staying in the house. Correspondence brought news that THREE of Grandmámá's husband's kids are coming, one of which is also staying in the house. I was disappointed and felt the stress in my body as i anticipate sharing space with people i don't know. After a phone call, it looks like they will be coming weeks after I do, so that makes everything much easier again.

I am having little bits of celebration here and there for my birthday, but mostly feel an acceleration of doing.

The "reopening-we-mean-it-this-time" has hit my company. The tone-deaf "my brand is leadership" CEO of the Whale -- who i think makes good decisions in general -- really really really failed in creating a communication to bring people back to the office part time. Then he had a follow up thing yesterday, where he dug the hole deeper. "I can't believe people don't think i care about your health and well beeeeeeeeing, look at all i've done," he whined. If he'd led with "here's every thing we've done to make the building safer" and "we've surveyed and find most of us have chosen vaccination so we're not going to ask" THEN led into the change that's coming, that would have been so much better. Instead he whined about people asking mean questions and accusing him and twisting his words around and, REDACTED man, get therapy or a good bartender. But you get paid the big bucks, so quit your whining and lead.

I'm focusing on that because the rhetoric is now back to forgetting that there are regional offices and people who work from home at a distance from the main office. My manager and his manager will support me if upper management starts "going after" US people who are not at the main office, i feel fairly comfortable about my job being secure. But it means a layer of bias that isn't really needed.

I'm signalling my willingness to travel to the main office and go to conferences, but it's not a willingness i'm excited about. I note that my sister's family has kids back in school with a school system dropping masks requirements soon (and both kids had COVID at Christmas, so there's that) and her husband is traveling for work. Christine says the restaurant at which we picked up food last night was packed. The grocery store still had mostly masked people there last night.

Fingers crossed i can get my nephew to help with garden fencing.

In preparation for spring, for my birthday, for my personal new year, i'm writing a description of my days and life. I know things change over time, but i don't have a good sense of how things that feel like i've been doing them forever actually change. So, i'm going to write up some mundanities.

If there's anything about my day to day life, particularly things to which i refer obliquely and that you would like cleared up, please feel to ask.

--== ∞ ==--

Meanwhile, i can't bear the thought of scheduling anything. Juggling Mom's care schedule and working on a retreat schedule have exhausted that bit of brain. Last night, my sister asked B-- to not come until 9 am this morning (instead of 7 am, when L-- needs to be relieved to get her kids to school). B-- wanted to know how long we'd like her to stay. L-- erupted to me with exasperation: i pointed out to L how she was giving a change to B-- and maybe B had plans for today. So, i'll go over a little later and stay later, and then tomorrow i will give B-- some time off for her birthday. And do something fun with mom. But what?

--== ∞ ==--

Last night i started reading a diary of Mom's. She recorded destroying all her previous journals to give herself a fresh start. She journaled a "fresh start" around Feb-March, then returned to journal again a year later. And then a year later. I am intrigued her timeline to get back to journaling was the time i am consider my new year. In one of those entries, she writes about realizing she has ADD. She did also assert my Dad has ADD: her usual pattern of projecting everything on my Dad. But it's fascinating to read her energy around recognizing herself.

My heart breaks. Dad is in Florida with his mother, who celebrated her 105th birthday today. She has said no, she is NOT moving up to North Carolina to live with him. (This creates a storm of complications for us in finding a carer we trust to be with her.) He is depressed because of the rejection, the complications, and the fact she is barely eating and is just shrinking and fading away.

On a video call he shares this with my mother and I. "You are so good to do so much for her but you need to come home." Dad denies doing "so much" because there isn't that much physically significant work to do. "You need to come home." "I need you." "I am waiting for you to come home." Mom's impatience and anger comes through. Seven more days, six more nights.

The 2022 Wildflower of the Year from the North Carolina Botanical Garden is downy woodmint, Blephilia ciliata. The gardens give away packets of seed to people in the south eastern United States if you send a self addressed stamped envelope.

https://ncbg.unc.edu/2022/01/05/2022-wildflower-of-the-year/

I had a plant of this mint come up last year -- or at least become noticeable last year -- and it's really quite lovely. I picked some of the long stems of the flowers for a bouquet and later hung them to dry -- and they've kept their color and look attractive in some of my winter bouquets.

It's one of the species i'd love to have more of around the property.

--== ∞ ==--

In other news, my brother announced he wouldn't be making it to my parents' for the lunch gather (that i couldn't attend) until 2. My sister, who had rescheduled her day, was not thrilled. I think we have agreement for an inside masked no-food gathering on Sunday.

I was exhausted and drained after my dental cleaning. The substitute dentist suggested i talk to an ENT doctor about my throat and a number of other issues which all might be related. She thinks i should have a sleep test. I kinda would like to see someone because i do have a hard time breathing through my nose. Not sure how to phrase my request for a referral. Or if i need one. HHm

My sister shared news about my grandmother that does make it sound like she is fading -- and raises some concerns about my Dad caring for Grandmámá (in Florida). My sister sounds like she is less confident with Mom going down with Dad and wants to keep Mom up here. I am drained just thinking about all the planning churn.

Thanksgiving:

Spent morning making sauces and pie. I had become concerned that plain tamales would be a little dry, so plotted sauces that might make a fusion between Thanksgiving and The NYTimes umami gravy with additions to add Latin American notes, a cranberry-lime cream sauce, and a cranberry sauce with cinnamon and Grand Marnier. I also made a coconut crust and then filled it with a Shaker lemon pie filling, topped with lemon wheels and coconut.

Meal was fine, some reminiscing of my mother's father (not favorably) and "children's table". I felt worried for Christine and was in my own way feeling awkward. It has been a very long time since we joined for a meal. I think we might have joined the first Thanksgiving we were here, and after that had only come for deserts.

Between meal and desert had a summit with my brother over my grandmother's care and current issues. One issue that precipitated this summit was the announcement and scheduling of relief for my grandmother's current carer at the end of the year. It turns out -- as i had suspected -- that my brother had a hand in the scheduling for something that was nice for him, and he hadn't thought at all about how it might impact others.

Then was pie, and i was swamped by negative assessments of my pie (i thought it would be a clever idea to use coconut oil but i think it was a little greasy compared to what i had used in the past). I also was just in an emotional black hole. The summit was not light.

We left pretty quickly after pie, home, where i was really quite blue. (Retrospect: i had forgotten to take my antidepressant.) In many ways a lovely Thanksgiving meal -- the tamales were a hit, the food was fun -- and nothing was wrong. Christine was coping, although withdrawn. But i just -- wow, melt down at home.

Watched the extended edition of The Two Towers (as we frequently do over this long weekend). So hard to believe Fellowship of the Ring is twenty years old.

--== ∞ ==--

Friday: MORE SUMMIT. Went over to my parents' to meet with siblings and father and rehash everything out. Strong argument that status quo is very unstable, that having plans will make the possible futures easier to deal with. Some blindness on father's and brother's part about the life disruption of filling in for Dad when caring for Mom including Mom's distress -- much illumination. In the end my sister seemed OK with my Dad taking Mom to Florida to stay with his mother for the relief week. I believe it will give him some time to talk to his Mom in person.

Anyhow, we had to-dos and decision trees sketched out when we wrapped. And then there was debriefing with my Dad, as he sort of reeled from the thing. Apparently he had promised his mother that she could stay in her home as long as she wanted. Followed with some visiting with Mom. I also cleaned out some clothes that don't work with Mom's current condition.

Home to rake - and think about the meal on Thanksgiving. My sister confirmed we were noticeably uncomfortable. I realized that i really don't want to be part of a repeat with more people in December. So i decided i wanted to have some time just with my brother and his wife -- who are bad matches for us, but better to see them as a couple than just sort of witness them in the gatherings. And then i want to spend some time with my brother's eldest.

Went for a walk with Carrie and Christine, then discussed plans with Christine - and found out the drama on her side of the family.

The week before Christmas is going to be packed, given our 30th anniversary on the Tuesday the 21st, a group watching of a hockey game hosted by my brother on Sunday the 19th, finding time for my brother and his spouse, for my nibling, and for Christine's sister and spouse.

Watched The Return of the King, extended edition. Up far too late.

--== ∞ ==--

Saturday:

Woke and began trying to write up the notes from the day before, playing with a new-to-me Gantt application built on Airtable. Stopped mid morning when i needed to pick up our preordered Christmas tree ( a fundraiser). First i ran up to the grocery store to get cash and a few things. Called Dad and found out he had gone ahead and talked to his cousin who of course pushed back -- as we predicted -- on the transit. We had strategized the day before on how my sister would get some research for Dad so he would have facts at his finger tips. Also discovered Dad had decided his mother would come live with him and Mom -- which ...

Picked up the tree and then went to my sister's with the shirts i thought she or her daughter could wear, at which my sister and brother were going for a walk. I joined them for that, and then joined them for a lunch, and then went home. More raking.

We watched a TV show and the penultimate episode of HBO's 100 Foot Wave, a documentary about Nazare Portugal.

--== ∞ ==--

Today, i hope i can rest and catch up with my own life. And rake more. It's a whole body work out, and yay for free mulch. My sister offered her leaf blower, but - i dunno. I like grading the driveway while i rake the gravel surface -- creating small lateral ridges to divert rain off the surface. (Putting in a rain garden was the best thing for protecting the watershed and the drive surface, but there's still plenty of run off in a heavy rain.) And i think i would hate the roar.

I think i've been depressed, not really sure why other than aging is intimidating. The cost of assisted living is intimidating. Becoming less able is intimidating.

Not quite a week has passed since i last wrote.

I've been busy. Part was work in which i was trying to focus and deliver a finished something. Part is the weather has changed and i have worked hard in the yard.

Part is looking at my past with a lens of understanding a little of what ADHD means chemically (a dopamine deficiency) and exploring the idea that i (and my siblings and my mother and my sister's daughter) have ADHD. My brother's eldest son has been diagnosed with it.

Interpreting some of my parents' interactions, my mother's anxiety through the lens of that condition -- so much makes more sense. Mom never went past reading every self help book and diagnosing everyone else: we've all wondered what was at the root of her anger and unhappiness.

Some differences between Christine and i, i see now as having a significant amount of "me ADHD, you not." Christine, i speculate, had assigned them all as "weird things my spouse's family does." Not all of the "weird things" are explained, but it does hit some.

It's been a relief in some ways: things that are struggles and hard might have a reason i find them such a struggle and so hard.

It's also made me aware of hyperfocus and various attempts to get various things done. I a little more aware of not leaving things unfinished. Or leaving them unfinished to move on to the next thing. Of leaving things out and being distracted by them later.

It's like a dimension has been added to my universe, a focus-distraction dimension. It's like a type of gravity, a force that pulls things a certain way. Various aspects of moving about the day i now see as related, not independent struggles or demands.





I took a road trip Monday with my parents and my aunt. My heart broke a bit over my Mom and her not wanting to get out of the car. There's some ways in which my father and COVID have reinforced her limited horizon and shut-in-ness. I don't know what to think about the "toileting" issue, where i asked and asked, and she declined. I suppose we should have given her no choice at the park and just taken her in. I did channel my sister a little, not giving mom a choice about getting out at Pilot Mountain and i think she emotionally shifted a bit to enjoying it after a bit. But she was also a little anxious and we, as her wheelchair motors, weren't charming as we struggled a bit. If i was her, i'd hate being a burden and would want to minimize it (and thus stay shut in).

I need to keep working on finding things to take Mom to do.

On Wednesday i will go to the art museum with my aunt, sister, and mother. giving my Dad a quick break from my aunt before she returns to Florida. I know her visits are not a break for my Dad but a bit exhausting.

--== ∞ ==--

When i just let the cats and Carrie out into the yard, the sky was sparkling despite the great bright moon lighting up the landscape. I watched a bright satellite cross the sky. Water dripped from the roof: we had heavy rains in the late evening.