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I've left the wonderful calm[1] of this family visit and have arrived in Ohio. This morning i'm trying to remember that i am taking care of myself and that's a responsible and good thing.
I really want to journal about my indignation over one of the meetings that's occurring today, but what i really need to do is grab another frame and hold on tight. The vice president has decided to help resolve the issues between our team (we work on the authentication and authorization code) and a team developing The Platform. We all wonder what the issues are. The frame my boss and my colleague seem to have latched on to is a combination of feeling like a scapegoat and unfair persecution. I do it too! It's part of the curse of working on infrastructure: if it's broken, everyone is put out, if it's working, all folks notice are the other features.
I do not want to be on the defensive: who do i want to be? I want to be curious! I want to have the "we can make this work" attitude, even if i don't know what it is. I want to be able to imagine these meetings as a visit to the virtual hardware store, helping The Platform team solve their problem. I want to somehow, somehow leave the sniping thought that Essence of Flaky Guy, who is on the agenda to present "Specific critical path requirements for [The] Platform work" is not the problem himself. I note that on 15 October i arranged a meeting to get out ahead of these potential requirements, and at that time The Platform guy really didn't know any. We discussed where there *might* be requirements -- i interrogated him to discover what they thought they might need -- and that's the last we've heard about it.
I really want someone to say, "Hey, you've been responsible. This is not a crisis, and it's not because you haven't been paying attention or because you've rebuffed any other communication." So i need to say it to me.
And i need to quit imagining horns on the vice president.
--==∞==--
Wow, how am i over half way through this trip? I didn't really feel like the NC visit was longer than the work part, because i thought of the work part as the five week days (counting Friday which will be spent in travel). But i didn't count the Wednesday flight day or the Monday breakfast with my folks in the family-visit time. Here it is the 7th and i go home the 10th!
We had a Christmas celebration Sunday night. My parents leave for China on the 22nd, my sister's family leaves for Montana around the 17th. T's family doesn't do Santa apparently, so Santa left stockings for the kiddies at my folks place for the kids to find on Sunday night. I was able to give my gifts to my parents and to my sister's family. W was utterly unimpressed with the beautiful Abominable Charles Christopher book, but my sister seemed ecstatic. I introduced my parents to the pair of raccoons in "The Power of Now" (http://www.abominable.cc/2008/03/26/the-power-of-now/), and Dad hooted as he recognized himself in it. Apparently, art predicted life as the events of "A Quiet Mind" (http://www.abominable.cc/2009/03/04/a-quiet-mind/) happened just two weeks ago [2]. I sat with my Dad as he started reading and was delighted to see him getting caught up in the story, and then later with my mother as she picked it up and read. I don't think they were just being polite: i think the balance of beauty, humor, suspense, and empathy that spoke to me spoke to my sister and parents.
I guess i need to buy a copy for us.
The decorations were simple: Mom pulled out her small artificial tree decorated with Swedish ornaments, and she prepared a Swedish dinner. Dilled shrimp, Jansson's Temptation, meatballs, lingonberries. No lutefisk, hurrah, but i think everyone's figured out i have not attended any of the lutefisk dinners. I think my sister thinks i too should haveto suffer a chance to be in touch with my heritage.
--==∞==--
Heathwise i am fairly healthy. I'm beginning to develop a cough, so i ought to get my inhaler renewed. I just started the cough right before i departed, and it's only very occasional right now. I certainly don't feel it in my chest. Fortunately, i've felt so good so long with respect to the asthma, i'd developed a bit of a belief that the problem had gone away.
There's also more post nasal drip, so i did bring my nasal spray and remembered to use it last night. My nostrils have been unhappy for weeks: little irritations in the membrane now
My right ear has been bothering me since Thanksgiving. It's finally clearing or healing. I'm not sure if it was dermatitis or a small infection in the outer canal. It's not nearly as distracting as it was a week ago.
Yesterday the skin under my eyes began to flare. I've been moisturizing! Bah. What i forgot was the gentle steroid. I'm using the powerful steroid just barely on the area because it is so visible. I don't want to look like i've been crying this whole visit.
--==∞==--
[1] It was for me. My parents were in a mostly good place, so different from last year. I note in last year's journaling i was trying to let my parents' worries and complaints slide off me. I have no record of the ride back from Florida with my mother, of the hike i took with my father. I didn't record their complaints and worries, so i don't have a document to compare against. I don't suppose it's needed: with Dad's retirement he's more able to bear the brunt of my mother's neurosis. He told me how she's railed at him that he's the man, he has to be strong, she's the woman, she can explode. So he's not engaging her when she has her explosions of anger, he's ceased intellectually defending himself to her. It's better than when he was engaged, because they had a well worn dance that escalated. Now she doesn't have a partner. I just hope the explosions aren't as abusive as i can imagine. He's getting help from a therapist and has that support and validation to counteract her "explosions."
[2] It was this strip that provided the lead into Dad explaining Mom's gendered theory of who gets to explode, as apparently that's what happened after the dark storm thought bubble.
I really want to journal about my indignation over one of the meetings that's occurring today, but what i really need to do is grab another frame and hold on tight. The vice president has decided to help resolve the issues between our team (we work on the authentication and authorization code) and a team developing The Platform. We all wonder what the issues are. The frame my boss and my colleague seem to have latched on to is a combination of feeling like a scapegoat and unfair persecution. I do it too! It's part of the curse of working on infrastructure: if it's broken, everyone is put out, if it's working, all folks notice are the other features.
I do not want to be on the defensive: who do i want to be? I want to be curious! I want to have the "we can make this work" attitude, even if i don't know what it is. I want to be able to imagine these meetings as a visit to the virtual hardware store, helping The Platform team solve their problem. I want to somehow, somehow leave the sniping thought that Essence of Flaky Guy, who is on the agenda to present "Specific critical path requirements for [The] Platform work" is not the problem himself. I note that on 15 October i arranged a meeting to get out ahead of these potential requirements, and at that time The Platform guy really didn't know any. We discussed where there *might* be requirements -- i interrogated him to discover what they thought they might need -- and that's the last we've heard about it.
I really want someone to say, "Hey, you've been responsible. This is not a crisis, and it's not because you haven't been paying attention or because you've rebuffed any other communication." So i need to say it to me.
And i need to quit imagining horns on the vice president.
--==∞==--
Wow, how am i over half way through this trip? I didn't really feel like the NC visit was longer than the work part, because i thought of the work part as the five week days (counting Friday which will be spent in travel). But i didn't count the Wednesday flight day or the Monday breakfast with my folks in the family-visit time. Here it is the 7th and i go home the 10th!
We had a Christmas celebration Sunday night. My parents leave for China on the 22nd, my sister's family leaves for Montana around the 17th. T's family doesn't do Santa apparently, so Santa left stockings for the kiddies at my folks place for the kids to find on Sunday night. I was able to give my gifts to my parents and to my sister's family. W was utterly unimpressed with the beautiful Abominable Charles Christopher book, but my sister seemed ecstatic. I introduced my parents to the pair of raccoons in "The Power of Now" (http://www.abominable.cc/2008/03/26/the-power-of-now/), and Dad hooted as he recognized himself in it. Apparently, art predicted life as the events of "A Quiet Mind" (http://www.abominable.cc/2009/03/04/a-quiet-mind/) happened just two weeks ago [2]. I sat with my Dad as he started reading and was delighted to see him getting caught up in the story, and then later with my mother as she picked it up and read. I don't think they were just being polite: i think the balance of beauty, humor, suspense, and empathy that spoke to me spoke to my sister and parents.
I guess i need to buy a copy for us.
The decorations were simple: Mom pulled out her small artificial tree decorated with Swedish ornaments, and she prepared a Swedish dinner. Dilled shrimp, Jansson's Temptation, meatballs, lingonberries. No lutefisk, hurrah, but i think everyone's figured out i have not attended any of the lutefisk dinners. I think my sister thinks i too should have
--==∞==--
Heathwise i am fairly healthy. I'm beginning to develop a cough, so i ought to get my inhaler renewed. I just started the cough right before i departed, and it's only very occasional right now. I certainly don't feel it in my chest. Fortunately, i've felt so good so long with respect to the asthma, i'd developed a bit of a belief that the problem had gone away.
There's also more post nasal drip, so i did bring my nasal spray and remembered to use it last night. My nostrils have been unhappy for weeks: little irritations in the membrane now
My right ear has been bothering me since Thanksgiving. It's finally clearing or healing. I'm not sure if it was dermatitis or a small infection in the outer canal. It's not nearly as distracting as it was a week ago.
Yesterday the skin under my eyes began to flare. I've been moisturizing! Bah. What i forgot was the gentle steroid. I'm using the powerful steroid just barely on the area because it is so visible. I don't want to look like i've been crying this whole visit.
--==∞==--
[1] It was for me. My parents were in a mostly good place, so different from last year. I note in last year's journaling i was trying to let my parents' worries and complaints slide off me. I have no record of the ride back from Florida with my mother, of the hike i took with my father. I didn't record their complaints and worries, so i don't have a document to compare against. I don't suppose it's needed: with Dad's retirement he's more able to bear the brunt of my mother's neurosis. He told me how she's railed at him that he's the man, he has to be strong, she's the woman, she can explode. So he's not engaging her when she has her explosions of anger, he's ceased intellectually defending himself to her. It's better than when he was engaged, because they had a well worn dance that escalated. Now she doesn't have a partner. I just hope the explosions aren't as abusive as i can imagine. He's getting help from a therapist and has that support and validation to counteract her "explosions."
[2] It was this strip that provided the lead into Dad explaining Mom's gendered theory of who gets to explode, as apparently that's what happened after the dark storm thought bubble.
no subject
Not that I, you know, saw that for 20+ years between my parents, or have heard it from almost every married woman I've met, or seen it mirrored in sitcoms and movies.
So yeah, I was always puzzled by your reading it sympathetically towards your dad, since I didn't understand the perspective you were reading it from. :)
Sorry you're still experiencing inflammation. Is the strong cream starting to work a little?
no subject
She has read his depression as lazy, and i don't think she ever really understood how demanding his work was. What she wanted him to do around the house were the "men" things. They just chose a way of life (mini-farms, building their own homes) where chores include "When are you going to get the barn built?" and "When is the new fence going to go in?"
They both have stacks and stacks of projects and too much to do. The biggest difference is my mother probably has an anxiety disorder whereas my dad runs to depression. I suspect you can begin to imagine the conflict, and yes, the gendered roles do get picked up and played out.
Of course, Dad's no saint or martyr any more than Mom is. His emotional maturity meant he developed an oppositional relationship and pushed buttons back. He wasn't able to confront her anxiety as unwarranted but accepted it as real and played into it.
If Mom didn't think she could be a psychiatrist by reading pop sych books and if they'd gotten themselves counseling ages ago.... Mom still won't see anyone because it's Dad who is broken, doncha know.