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Yesterday, work took all my spoons. It was good work, but i do seem to resent it. I am frustrated because the work travel and Quaker travel sandwich my birthday time: i want to be involved in the larger Quaker community, but i also want to have reflection time around my birthday. The Quaker time is engagement time. The work is engagement. I have to recover from engagement in order to have good reflection.
Fiddlesticks. Want, want, want.
But maybe, maybe even the need for a grand year planning is evolving away. Maybe, maybe i'm growing to where the intentionality of day to day doesn't have to be planned and reflected upon, but it comes up out of the matrix of what is. It feels "wrong" in this culture of forecast planning and all the discourse of "successful people have goals" and so on: reflecting on the previous year and forecasting one's future seems like the responsible thing to do.
I suppose part of it, too, is the learning i did with the Satisfaction Finder and practicing counting spoons and practicing delight with my therapist: i want so very much -- but i need to "make friends" with my limitations: whether that's my depression, or the fact this week has early phone calls all the way through, or that my energy is depleted by engagement. If i spend less time and energy railing against not having my way (oh, hi, inner three year old!) i will have that energy to spare for joy.
So, as March-April are my first season of my Technetium* Y043** i will recognize that my goal is to support Christine through her surgery preparation and recovery, participate in fiscal year planning and SCRUM training (staffing planning) at work.
I've made my plans about vacation time: i am targeting an accrual of a month of vacation by July 1 as "savings," in case of some health issue that pulls me out or a job termination.
Here is my visioning for the year:
* I amuse myself by naming my years after elements
** The Long Now and Y2K taught me to plan in advance, so i leave space for a long life time
--==∞==--
So, what do i do in the short run? Maybe play with copper when i get home or, if i can manage, go take a walk if i'm home early enough.
And not rail against the 6 am phone call about data loading on my birthday, tomorrow.
--==∞==--
This morning, i bestirred my mind by taking a move in the ever-running Lexulous game between Christine, her sister, and myself.
CALM, CLAM,... CULMINATE
I don't think i've ever had a bingo that cleared my rack, on a triple word score. It also was a perfect word to end the game.
I expect work today will take all my spoons. I hope that i don't have the additional issue of the facial and scalp pain that developed yesterday. It had been gone for so long -- i don't think i recall an incident in the past few years, since the diet experiment, for sure.
Fiddlesticks. Want, want, want.
But maybe, maybe even the need for a grand year planning is evolving away. Maybe, maybe i'm growing to where the intentionality of day to day doesn't have to be planned and reflected upon, but it comes up out of the matrix of what is. It feels "wrong" in this culture of forecast planning and all the discourse of "successful people have goals" and so on: reflecting on the previous year and forecasting one's future seems like the responsible thing to do.
I suppose part of it, too, is the learning i did with the Satisfaction Finder and practicing counting spoons and practicing delight with my therapist: i want so very much -- but i need to "make friends" with my limitations: whether that's my depression, or the fact this week has early phone calls all the way through, or that my energy is depleted by engagement. If i spend less time and energy railing against not having my way (oh, hi, inner three year old!) i will have that energy to spare for joy.
So, as March-April are my first season of my Technetium* Y043** i will recognize that my goal is to support Christine through her surgery preparation and recovery, participate in fiscal year planning and SCRUM training (staffing planning) at work.
I've made my plans about vacation time: i am targeting an accrual of a month of vacation by July 1 as "savings," in case of some health issue that pulls me out or a job termination.
Here is my visioning for the year:
0. I wish to flow with all the cycles in time, both the external seasons, days, tides and my internal shifts and swings, so that i may be and do in right order.
1. I wish to be fully well when i am well, being in that moment. When i am not well, i wish to welcome and be with that state as well.
2. I wish to both open myself to others but also to welcome them into my openness.
3. I wish to be listening when i am called to connect with community.
4. I wish to ask questions and listen to the answers as i discern right work.
5. I wish to nurture myself with my enjoyment of creating.
6. I wish to live in a space that feels welcoming and comfortable.
* I amuse myself by naming my years after elements
** The Long Now and Y2K taught me to plan in advance, so i leave space for a long life time
--==∞==--
So, what do i do in the short run? Maybe play with copper when i get home or, if i can manage, go take a walk if i'm home early enough.
And not rail against the 6 am phone call about data loading on my birthday, tomorrow.
--==∞==--
This morning, i bestirred my mind by taking a move in the ever-running Lexulous game between Christine, her sister, and myself.
CALM, CLAM,... CULMINATE
I don't think i've ever had a bingo that cleared my rack, on a triple word score. It also was a perfect word to end the game.
I expect work today will take all my spoons. I hope that i don't have the additional issue of the facial and scalp pain that developed yesterday. It had been gone for so long -- i don't think i recall an incident in the past few years, since the diet experiment, for sure.
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