elainegrey

My hits on taking care of myself don't seem to indicate much follow through. I'm happy to note, though, that a discomfort that had been increasing in intensity over the past three days seems nearly gone this morning, and instead of a somewhat distressing off-hand diagnosis from a dermatologist of trimengial neuralgia, i might be able to blame it on TMJ.

1) continue to try and add exercise to every day;[ ] [ ] [X] [ ] [ ]
W: walk to dentist & back
2) continue to use the SAD light (no skipping!!);[X] [X] [X] [ ] [X]
3) work on photography whether it seems meaningful or not;[ ] [ ] [ ][ ] [ ]
4) crayon drawing before bed whether "too tired" or not.[X] [ ] [ ][ ] [ ]

While i'm being a bit of a couch potato[1], i'm appreciating the change we made to the living room. It was a serious investment but the pleasure it brings was an excellent investment. With the couch in lounge mode, Christine and i are close as we watch a show or sit and read. Yes, we are "joined at the hip," as my mother once said disparagingly, and it's wonderful to be cosy. The spaciousness of the room without the massive comfy couches helps lighten my sense of the space when i come home. I have a Martha Stewart-y pleasure knowing that the slipcovers are machine washable and near pristine upholstery is underneath.

A friend had talked of her thrifty acquisitions of furniture, saving for travel. But for me, i think the arrival home every evening is an important place for me to invest.

[1] I won't beat myself up about this. My therapist used the word tempest to describe the work environment as i identified a second aspect of that stresses me. Riding out a tempest on a ship is a fair metaphor, catching the unpredictable tossing, the hyper-vigilance that is my 9-5.

Yesterday, work took all my spoons. It was good work, but i do seem to resent it. I am frustrated because the work travel and Quaker travel sandwich my birthday time: i want to be involved in the larger Quaker community, but i also want to have reflection time around my birthday. The Quaker time is engagement time. The work is engagement. I have to recover from engagement in order to have good reflection.

Fiddlesticks. Want, want, want.

But maybe, maybe even the need for a grand year planning is evolving away. Maybe, maybe i'm growing to where the intentionality of day to day doesn't have to be planned and reflected upon, but it comes up out of the matrix of what is. It feels "wrong" in this culture of forecast planning and all the discourse of "successful people have goals" and so on: reflecting on the previous year and forecasting one's future seems like the responsible thing to do.

I suppose part of it, too, is the learning i did with the Satisfaction Finder and practicing counting spoons and practicing delight with my therapist: i want so very much -- but i need to "make friends" with my limitations: whether that's my depression, or the fact this week has early phone calls all the way through, or that my energy is depleted by engagement. If i spend less time and energy railing against not having my way (oh, hi, inner three year old!) i will have that energy to spare for joy.

So, as March-April are my first season of my Technetium* Y043** i will recognize that my goal is to support Christine through her surgery preparation and recovery, participate in fiscal year planning and SCRUM training (staffing planning) at work.

I've made my plans about vacation time: i am targeting an accrual of a month of vacation by July 1 as "savings," in case of some health issue that pulls me out or a job termination.

Here is my visioning for the year:

0. I wish to flow with all the cycles in time, both the external seasons, days, tides and my internal shifts and swings, so that i may be and do in right order.

1. I wish to be fully well when i am well, being in that moment. When i am not well, i wish to welcome and be with that state as well.

2. I wish to both open myself to others but also to welcome them into my openness.

3. I wish to be listening when i am called to connect with community.

4. I wish to ask questions and listen to the answers as i discern right work.

5. I wish to nurture myself with my enjoyment of creating.

6. I wish to live in a space that feels welcoming and comfortable.

* I amuse myself by naming my years after elements
** The Long Now and Y2K taught me to plan in advance, so i leave space for a long life time

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So, what do i do in the short run? Maybe play with copper when i get home or, if i can manage, go take a walk if i'm home early enough.

And not rail against the 6 am phone call about data loading on my birthday, tomorrow.

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This morning, i bestirred my mind by taking a move in the ever-running Lexulous game between Christine, her sister, and myself.

CALM, CLAM,... CULMINATE

I don't think i've ever had a bingo that cleared my rack, on a triple word score. It also was a perfect word to end the game.

I expect work today will take all my spoons. I hope that i don't have the additional issue of the facial and scalp pain that developed yesterday. It had been gone for so long -- i don't think i recall an incident in the past few years, since the diet experiment, for sure.

Just made the GF brioche from HBin5, adding holiday citron. The half recipe made one large and one small loaf pan, which is all my little oven can hold. (There is also the massive oven, which we never use.) Looks OK.... Just sliced into it. Seems wet, but that was how the olive loaf seamed, but after *much* cooling was just fine. I mixed the dough yesterday evening, and left the loaves to rise the 40 min plus an additional OVERNIGHT and baked immediately this morning.

This success is unlike my experiment with the cracker recipe here: http://www.elanaspantry.com/fig-tapenade-with-walnut-crackers/ . Substituting coconut for the walnuts and almond flour didn't seem to work. It was very dry and crumbly. Suspicious, i added sugar and butter and a touch of baking soda to the second half and developed something like macaroon bars. They had to be flipped to get baked on both sides, the whole pizza pan worth.

I have used a gingerbread flavored cream cheese to hold together the coconut "crackers" and Christine says it's good in yogurt.

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L left a voice mail i heard yesterday after meeting. She'd called around 3 pm EST to say Mom & Dad were going to the hospital. Mom was feeling ill, nausea and a fever, and Dad was going with her, Note that Dad can't drive while his lens implant is floating loose in the vitreous humor of his eye, surgery has been scheduled with the three eye surgeons to help him recover his sight in that eye on 8 Jan.) This is mildly distressing news because the level of discomfort my mom must be in before care is rather high. On the other hand, there may be some good sense in play: she's the only driver, she shouldn't get so sick she can't drive. I called them around 3:30 EST just as they were arriving. They sounded calm so i let go of initial scenarios. No news before i went to bed. Skype from my sister saying she'd had no news & couldn't contact them. We conferred, L planned to call the hospital then finally heard from them: "pnuemonia... they have been on the phone... driving dad to meeting in oxford today... on antibiotics." Mom is currently Dad's chauffeur to business meetings as he deals with the decline of "his" company. Sheesh. Could things let up for them?

By the way: stay off I-85 between Oxford and Durham in NC today.

So, my brother & his family will be arriving at my folks' in the next few days. My call right before leaving for Meeting (and library committee) was from my sis wanting to talk about my brother's clear anger in his brief reply to our parental status warning alert. He's angry with our mom and "increasingly sympathetic" to our dad. Sis L wanted to reply, try to fix, but she noticed what she was doing. We agreed that the best thing for us with our brother is to listen compassionately and affirm reality. (I can't say how affirming it was for me when my brother and i briefly shared memories of the dark drives back from Florida where we were silent and still in the back seat and my mom shredded my father's character and dignity. Knowing now i wasn't alone, wasn't imagining it, helps me feel just a little more sane.)

I hope things let up for my parents soon.

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Health: ( Read more... )

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Got a good deal of library committee tasks done this morning. Somewhat last minute.

Running late to the office, but going in anyhow.

Happy it is the solstice, happy it is our eighteenth anniversary. We had a spontaneous dinner out at Ming's that became a bit of a celebration; probably will see Avatar tonight.