(no subject)

[elainegrey]

I've had my sleep interrupted for the software install with work twice and a Quaker matter once. I took the Quaker matter as a sign it was time to get up.

In waking, i fund myself in tears. I had cried a good bit yesterday, and i'd written off the tears to not taking the welbutrin and in an emotional negotiation of Christine's and my differences about internment plans. This morning a thought flitted across my mind -- that my parents will never drive home again and fight due to my grandfather's BS -- and i cried more. It's a relief.

The brokenness my parents experience is partly caused by the brokenness of my grandfather. My depression was not caused only by the long arguments my parents had, but i know that those arguments reinforced the trauma with which i coped with by depression.

Novels are written about family lineages passing on brokenness until the line ends or, somehow, there's a resolution.

I hope my siblings and i can shed this inheritance of brokenness.

[Brother]

I just found myself sobbing, and as i pieced my thoughts and tears together, i realized i was crying out of relief. There will never be another drive back from Florida for our parents where Granddad's judgement weighed on them like oppressive southern heat to only be broken by a long thundering argument.

My small young self is crying in relief.

I don't know if you'll have this experience or not, but i thought i should share. I felt i'd made more than enough room in my life to grieve him -- and i felt connections across time to him as a young sailor under threat and scared to death, being supported by the prayers of those focused on him in the present. But as these waves of tears hit me, i realize that there is also the change in the network of energies of our extended family, the way the network was under strain with Grandddad's (probably war torn) self exerting judgement across every connection.

As i write that, i think of things you've noted [====redacted====] wonder if that judgment is through Mom from Granddad, and judgement that may have also come from Granddad's minister fathers even earlier back. Is this [family name] judgement, that caused one alcoholic, one escape to the military, and one -- whatever Mom is -- [====redacted====] .

I suppose this is too long for you to read in your re-entry for your family and settling in to Singapore: i'm thinking of you all, regretting i didn't see the boys & Mindy this trip, and sending all my love your way.

[me]