Mind dump

[elainegrey]

I should journal because it's good for my brain, but it's likely to be pretty tedious.

Got distracted this morning by a Harper's article from this year[1] that was somewhat depressing. Disappointing. Reminded me that i meant to look up a good source on Blackwater[2] => Erik Prince => Rushdooney & Focus on the Family. I thought it was for my sister, but actually i think it's for my Mom. Reminder of happy news: her Lutheran church is raising awareness in their membership of the rise of Christian fundamentalism.

[1] May 2009 · Jesus killed Mohammed: The crusade for a Christian military By Jeff Sharlet
[2] Blackwater renamed to Xe (

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I should journal because it's good for my brain, <cut text="but it's likely to be pretty tedious.">but it's likely to be pretty tedious.

Got distracted this morning by a <a href="http://www.harpers.org/archive/2009/05/0082488">Harper's article from this year</a>[1] that was somewhat depressing. Disappointing. Reminded me that i meant to look up a good source on Blackwater[2] => Erik Prince => Rushdooney & Focus on the Family. I thought it was for my sister, but actually i think it's for my Mom. Reminder of happy news: her Lutheran church is raising awareness in their membership of the rise of Christian fundamentalism.

[1] May 2009 · Jesus killed Mohammed: The crusade for a Christian military By Jeff Sharlet
[2] Blackwater renamed to Xe (<a href="http://www.nytimes.com/2009/04/04/world/middleeast/04blackwater.html"qv</a>).

Ordered a replacement for a dropped rice bowl via Ebay bid this weekend, won, paid this morning.

Delivery estimate: December 11, 2009 - December 16, 2009 -- 9101805213907867721366 USPS says eta 16th.

Ordered three month antihistamine refill. On retrospect, probably should have waited until after the allergist appointment.

Depression:

Planned errands and mechanical tasks seem easy and function as great procrastination. I threw cash at the Yule wrapping problem yesterday, before investigating my box of Yule cards etc (somehow, that seemed too much). All my family Yule gifts are wrapped and packed in one big box along with my sister's birthday gift (Friday). It's convenient that they're all going to be accessible to my parents' house. Yule gifts for dogs, cats, and the bird. (Shoulda thrown in a carrot for the horse.)

Interacting with people, sending email for committee work, all overwhelming.

Not sure how work day is gonna go.

Some good insights during worship, mostly spent on me me me except for that part thinking about *why* i was sad. What am i holding on to, what am i attached to, that makes me sad about my parents? But, in thinking about that question, i realized i was afraid of experiencing the emotion because i expect it to completely wash me away. I learned during somatic experiencing therapy that, healthily, the emotions should come in waves and then they're over and done (for the time). The emotional experience doesn't need to overwhelm me. Thinking about my observation of my parents, they certainly are good role models for obsessively holding on tightly to a mental state and reliving reliving reliving it. I swear that they are locked in some unresolved fear and betrayal from an early part in their relationship: i'd wager my dad expressed weakness, depression, and his fears to my mother while she was pregnant and she panicked. There they are: it *is* sad, and living with them over the days i was visiting, i encountered their stuck-ness. Now i'm sort of stuck, unwilling to experience my grief over that visit, holding it away from me like some alien octopod brain-sucking chthonic horror.

And so i go write a birthday card to SG the artist, continuing to feel mixed emotions about our "friendship."

Backing up the hard drive, realizing it's close to work start & i am not ready, really.

Good heavens, these black pants look like i *rolled* in cat fur.