(mom and caa, elder care)

[elainegrey]

In good news, Grandmámá changed her mind about coming to NC. In bad news, when i was doing a transfer of Mom yesterday i may have let her stroke-damaged (not exactly paralyzed) arm get damaged. My sister will be making a decision later today to get Mom an x-ray.

--== ∞ ==--

2022-01-31 M: I'm taking Mom's papers as my sister tries to lighten the household load. I've created a relational database in which i can track the documents, events, ideas. I'm thinking a great deal about the emotional labor Mom supplied for the family,. On Sunday morning Christine watched "American Masters | Amy Tan: Unintended Memoir." Amy Tan's sharing of her relationship with her mother and how much of Amy Tan's writing came about through working through her feelings and reflections about her family history resonates with the actions i am beginning. We are not at a point in our relationship where i can show my mother i understand her, unlike how Amy Tan's relationship with her mother drover Amy Tan's writing. What struck me most was Amy Tan's assertion in the documentary about her being a boomer searching through her history. And that reminded much more of my mother and how my mother accumulated family history and documents, read history, and collected and archived information. Did Mom wanted or need some anchoring? Or was it part of her unending quest to fix herself?


When it comes to understanding Mom, the lens of ADHD offers so much more revelation than years and years of reflection. Admittedly, I was happy to let Mom's brokenness be Mom's mystery: my goal was to help myself and i knew helping Mom was out of my ability.

--== ∞ ==--

2022-02-03 H: I have a couple banker's boxes of files in the car to bring in, along with a file crate. I'm wondering about a creating a book of days -- she always collected quotations and meditations; she observed holidays and the change of seasons; she fixed the same special but simple meals for St Patrick's Day, Halloween, Valentines'd Day; and she kept up with birthdays and other changes in people's lives.


I ponder -- if i ever finish the tea towels i have stashed to make -- whether making tea towels that celebrate her memory -- with her quotations and pictures, or a collage of her saved clippinga about Sweden at Christmas, at Midsummer might be meaningful.

Comments

[amaebi]

I'm so glad that your grandmother mercifully relented, for the peace of mind of so many of the rest of you!

The rest all sounds so hard, with revelations, and with tea towels as relief. I admire you very much.

[elainegrey]

Thank you for your support. Grandmámá is being mercurial in representing her preferences to Dad, as well as significantly fading. This may all be moot. I'm just glad Dad is having this time with her.

[yourlibrarian]

Having lost my mother years ago I can say it's always a bit of a surprise how much you learn about them at the end or after they've gone.

I have to say I think your tea towel idea is an excellent one. Stuff you use regularly is something I find to be the most useful. There are things she owned that I still have, and I find that practical things that friends have given me make me think of them often.

[elainegrey]

There's been a learning as her mind changes too: a tenderness and sweetness that i never really saw, as significant amounts of anxiety have faded. She has a curious possessiveness. We think that perhaps it's just as much a grasping at memory as it is for stuff.

[weofodthignen]

I hope the X-rays will alleviate the worry.

... And here's to a smooth move and contentment for your grandmother.

M

[elainegrey]

Thanks -- and there was nothing additionally wrong to be found with the X-ray. Watching her limbs respond to the inactivity has been sobering.