(praise, adhd, work)

[elainegrey]

Last night on Asia-Pacific friendly time for standards meeting:

me, in my role as xp3rt talking to Expert: "hey, there's problems, new stuff to consider, hey, hey, hey"
Expert: "i don't hear why you can't use my thing."

Last night, while sleeping:


me, awakening: but he said
back to sleep
me, awakening: ugh, if this, then that
back to sleep
me, awakening: omg did i screw up our chances

This morning:

me to self: OMG how could i have been the adult in the room, ugh, ugh, ugh.

me to slack: There are holes and holes in the thing i posted right after the meeting. More grumpy and bitter by the light of day.

Later, on slack, from prominent member of technical community: thanks for being on the call [redact] yesterday.. interested in connecting on zoom with you to chat about it. [redact] allowed my access to the notes recording and have already watched it. Great job by you and others.. let me know if you have the time.. thx..(apologies, I’m not sure what Timezone you are in :slightly_smiling_face: ) (edited)


me: Oh, thank you. As i said, i woke with a certain dread and was worried i'd done an insufficient job advocating for us so higher ed isn't stuck with what i've been thinking of as a privacy tax (which is probably a trope i shouldn't encourage, because taxes are for the good, but...) [meeting scheduling details]

prominent person: [meeting scheduling details] I think there was a steep uphill understanding problem on the [redacted] team and that [redacted] knows the problem but [redacted] was quite aloof and not understanding what was attempting to be solved (or held the position that ‘nothing was wrong’ with the [their] position)… but saw cracks in that position IMO
and you advocated for us all well :slightly_smiling_face:

me, to me, right now: look you, stop beating yourself up and calling yourself a faux expert. You, too, are an expert
me: tears
Me to me: why the bleep are you so insecure.
me: can i go outside now. I want to drain the fermented onion greens.
Me to me: FINE. But remember you ARE a grown up and you DO know stuff.
me:
Me to me: Remember, Rejection sensitive dysphoria is a thing. Your felt experience is a poor representation for the truth.
me: now can i go outside?
Me: ok!

Comments

[tamena]

*hugs*
I get it, I totally get it
*more hugs*

[elainegrey]

Thanks!

[amaebi]

I wish you more affirmation. I think internal affirmation comes easier when it has external to follow. And I'm glad you got some.

How much I hate it when I go cross-examining myself and feeling bad about So Little. Even though I always want to do better, it Isn't Helpful beyond the very first bit.

[elainegrey]

Christine and i talked about expertise and the humility to explore what you don't know. That helped me see myself as curious and the other as ... less so.

[amaebi]

That sounds like a very righteous context. I applaud you and Christine. :)

[annie_r]

Christine is right. The smartest people I have known have been like this, open and curious and encouraging of others to do the same.

Being in a job where one has to perform 'expert' to be taken seriously sounds wearying. But I think you put understanding, learning, considering, communicating, etc. ahead of performance.

[annie_r]

I totally get it, and I'm proud of you for advocating for the right thing. It's so hard! Delivering the 'right' words for complex problems is hard. Not being heard is headdesk-gif. But glad others backed you up and validated your understanding. I hope you get enough sleep.

[elainegrey]

I fell asleep watching Nova before 9:30. So i did go off to sleep early last night.

[annie_r]

Nova is still on?!?

[elainegrey]

Yes, and they have been doing a very good job of getting a spectrum of different age and race (well, could be better) and gender people to talk about astronomy these days.

[adore]

I'm glad you spoke up, and glad you were eventually heard. Also, yay for countering negative self-talk with positive self-talk! It gets better with practice (and I need to be better about practicing).

[elainegrey]

I see your "need to be better about practicing" and raise you a "need to find more opportunities to practice."

So much easier rewriting someone else's negative self talk!

[adore]

That's true! :) Gotta cut myself some slack.