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Birthday breakfast out with my sister and dad (it's his birthday, too). L pressed dad to stop his "George Will" "make people think" facebook posts and asked him to share his authentic truth that he has family members that the ... i have no words for this, slow coup? ... is hurting. L was in a place of Not Tolerating Right Wing People, Dad wants to save them. To try and change subject, L shifted to asking about having an estate sale of family stuff, which led Dad through one of his well trod rumination paths. He asserted we didn't know what it was like, looking forward not to a milestone of triumph but to the long decline of aging. As i wrestle with my fears -- how much yard can i care for with the exhaustion and fatigue i had last fall showing up again? Remembering how the exhaustion last fall was making me think about retirement, remembering how just a few weeks ago that seemed so silly as i fell vital again -- Pfft, Dad, you've put off facing the reality. And, i'm pretty sure he's just going to continue putting off making decisions.
My sister let him know we'd be there to make decisions for him when it was time. Which, threat? promise?
When we went back to politics, we all were blunt about our fears. Dad thinks the country is about to fall apart. He's afraid for us all: i gave him grits for his birthday. We'll need grit to get through.
Aren't we lovely people to celebrate birthdays with! It sounds terrible, but it was authentic and honest talking between us, which may not be civilized, but it was connecting.
Lots about fatigue in the ITP patient management articles. My memory is refreshing of last summer and my tears and fatigue with the familiarity of how i am feeling now. Good news, i know i can get better.
Possible reality, this flare passes and i never see it again.
I feel i understand a lot more about the probable reality after reading.
I'm trying to figure out how to navigate work. My instinct -- which may not be trustworthy, see family of origin -- is to be glib, that shallow openness. "Yes, i was out because i lost all my platelets, but they whacked me with the pharmaceutical stick and i've got platelets again." I don't need to talk about fatigue. Or fear. Instead i can just say this is rare and an autoimmune issue and i have no idea how things will unfold. And i think any more vulnerable than that i won't be able to manage my emotions.
I'm going to see if the therapist who saw Christine circa 2019 will see me. I think it will be good to have someone to help negotiate the too much. And we'll see which way i need to go. In January i was thinking about a coach more than a therapist....
--== ∞ ==--
Things that are weighing on me:
Drought - it doesn't seem like spring, its so dry. (Climate change, my inner Greek chorus intones)
How much everything is weighing on Christine,
including cat piss and cat throw-up being a constant grind of cleaning up. (Christine's put a new box out in one place, and maybe yesterday was just remarkable,)
The politics, the horror show.
And, you know, the inevitable decline of this embodiment.
Things that are amazing:
the stars amaze me every night i can see them, and when it's clear, pow!, my heart sings
grafting. Plants are just SO ALIEN. And really amazing. And so maybe the green juice of spring will trigger the hormones in the little sticks i bought off etsy and some of them might just survive and bloom. How's that for hope.
--== ∞ ==--
journaling with short lines:
pomegranate
birthday gifts of tool bag, best by-pass shears, best box cutter, (because someone said grafting doesn't need a fancy grafting knife). I find the folding saw where it should be. I am full of emotions: sharp things, cutting down trees how dumb is this? Cutting down trees, poor living thing! (Crepe myrtles are going to be invasive.) What do i know about grafting? Youtube, pfft. Cutting back all the water sprouts cleaning around the trunk exhaustion Sit on the steps and pant and pull out the motivation meditation and breathe in a micro box and then keep going. Bark cut free - not a flap, i ruined it -- and then i saw off that inch of trunk and again and again. Practiceish.
The problem with learning to garden and care for plants and maybe even deal with people is the results come so long after the attempt.
Did i do it right?
hojicha
part of the get well gift overwhelming flowers and teas from work. birthday afternoon i pass on genmaicha (opened yesterday) delight! I use a "tea for one" pot that sits in the cup flowers porcelain gilt
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