elainegrey

I had an insight in the past few days. Someone wrote about being angry, and, wow, they have a major injustice they are coping with. I started thinking about anger.

I did not realize how angry Mom was until i was in my mid thirties. I didn't know how to use the word to describe her state. It seeped out of her as bitter and toxic judgements, controlling admonishments. Yes, she and Dad argued and she threatened, but i did not learn to identify this as anger.

I don't get angry often. But i suspect that there's a long thread of depression associated with suppressing anger. I try to identify how i feel more now, and i've made some strides! But, to use the recent example, am i angry that my coach was fired? No, i would say, but i did get in contact with that feeling of betrayal and abandonment.

Yeah, i was probably angry, but i can't see that in myself. I did see the emotional malaise -- https://elainegrey.dreamwidth.org/924248.html -- but i didn't see anger. And i'm pretty sure my mom went through life not-angry the way i was not-angry about my coach being fired.

I think i learned something along the lines of anger is only allowed for major injustices, some sort of value judgement about what one was allowed to be angry about.

Heh, i have an anger tag and have used it three times, one of which was to link to a blog post about using anger to address injustice.

Christine has anger. She flashes with it, and it can be at things like the zip-lock on a bag defying her. In general she's just angry, not angry *at* me, and she is keeps her emotions hers. So, when i say she's angry, it's body language and requests for space and her trying to take care of herself.

I realize i can't empathize with her anger because i don't have a good understanding of anger in myself, and i have this judgement in my mind that thing X is something you are allowed to be angry about but thing Y is not. I have been through enough emotional work that i understand emotions just are, that "being allowed" certain feelings is not a frame that leads to thriving and having a rich life.

I don't know how much it will help, but i think realizing and articulating that i can't empathize with her anger will help both of us. I don't know if she's expecting anything from me when she's angry, but i can make some progress on the "what do i do now?" feeling that floods me when she's angry. I've grown past all sorts of reactions that i have learned are not helpful. Maybe with this insight i can approach the dynamic with more curiosity.

Positive thinking does not cure cancer. Suggesting that it does is inhumane. Death is not under the control of 'smile monkies'. Being positive does not eliminate prejudice. Prejudice is not ever, ever, changed by the grin of one seen as subservient. Stop it.

Read the rest where Dave Hingsburger puts forth a credo for anger at Rolling Around In my Head.