elainegrey

Still physically healthy. Yay!

Really down. Boo.

I got worried that all the receipts from travel that i had emailed to me ended up getting lost. It turned out it took some time for my email to all get downloaded to my work laptop: they were all (well, many more) there this afternoon.

I traveled on Southwest this trip. On Monday i was anxious about my carry-on baggage having overhead room from my position around the 90th to board. Worked out OK. Friday i was even more delayed in checking in, and ended up around 120th to board. I gave into the extortion and paid to be moved to the front of the line for boarding.

On Monday i wrote about my concern about boarding and then relief that it was OK.

I continued:

There seem to be fewer Masks this trip compared the flight last December, although I don't know if Southwest skews.

I spent so much time with anxiety over packing and prep [the weekend before the flight]. I know that this is all the ADHD Stuff. I travel so rarely that I can't quite remember what I successfully did last time.

The weekend was waves of stress - perhaps anxiety is more correct- would I remember what I needed, would I pack it right? I spent along time waffling on whether to check luggage. Shoes drive me nuts: what to wear for comfort? But looks professional? (At least for the lowered standards of the tech and academic world.) The first time I traveled after living in NC, my feet were so accustomed to either house slippers or boots, wearing shoes created huge blisters.

I finally decided to just wear the newly dyed blue boots on the plane. If has been a fine decision and took one thing out of luggage. I can get them off fast enough at the security scan, and get them back on reasonably.

While packing, I ended up purging almost all the small travel sized things: handfuls of chapstick, hand sanitizer that expired six years ago! It can expire? Whatever. All in the trash.

I thought about my mom's purses and the cabinets full of similar stuff that we (my sister, mainly) cleaned out after her death. There is a spiral of triggers for collecting the items. One of them -- "I know I had X but I can't find it" -- plagued me as I packed. Having many copies theoretically means that you can easily find one when you need it. (l eventually found those things i was looking for as well as other items on my lost list this weekend.) There's the guilt of waste: must use everything up. The fear of the discomfort of being without. With the skin issues Mom and I shared, it isn't just discomfort but also knowledge how irritations can trigger flares. I still think with horror of a work trip where dry skin lead to a raw, weeping rash over half my face. Be prepared with every lotion and salve!

I have so few items compared to mom but I had no idea how old, how germy, the ones I have were. So I am going to TRY to not have tons of different chapsticks and lotions, try to keep redundancy down. I threw out a bowl of cough drops at least four years old. And I threw out a bottle of suede protector that was from the early aughts. (I had to ask Christine for advice as I dithered over whether to use it or not.)

Decluttering feels a bit like wasting things. I know one of the ADHD strategies some folks have is just have lots of backup for when you misplace things. Maybe I will drive myself nuts trying to keep track of stuff. But it also felt good to get rid of the bottles of stuff that i had no memory of how long it;s been sitting around.

In the opposite direction of throwing things out, I did accept a very large bin of canning jars from Mom's effects as Dad cleaned his garage. I've bought a collection of bamboo lids for the jars - canister style. Syringes for Luigi's meds, needle tips from Edward's meds, clutter of all my skin meds are now stashed in jars. I think that's going to help ease another aspect of clutter that creates an undercurrent that contributes to me feeling overwhelmed.

I'm not quite sure What is inspiring he decluttering. So far it's just been a bit here and a bit there. There is a little more ease than before, so I am noticing the benefit.

Dad is sounding much better -- and restless. *headdesk* I sent him the CDC exposure and isolation calculator: https://www.cdc.gov/coronavirus/2019-ncov/your-health/isolation.html

Christine seems to have no symptoms. I'm left to assume all my symptoms are surgery related. We both tested negative today.

Tuesday we drove to have the curbside post op visit. Christine then got to remove the cast after i took a long hot shower. I think she was far more gentle than the doctor would have been; they ought to give the shower advice to everyone. I didn't get the cleaning out that i got on the first post op visit, but the view of the angled long nose pliers coming at my face to hold my nostrils open was happily missed. The removal was emotionally draining, though. I did get stretches and a walk done, but not the balance work.

Yesterday i tried to "do a day" - keep up with the basic self care to do list (including stretches, balance work, walking and breathing practice) and feeding the cats in the morning. I also had my usual pot of tea. I assume everything seems so slow because i am not sleeping well: no CPAP, so congested. The balance exercises are awkward -- i miss the windmill toe touches between the balance practice, but no bending over. I also miss the cat-cow in the stretches.

Today is racing by with me just getting the basics handled. I guess i also took the COVID test and (before that) steamed my nose. I can't believe it's almost noon. I should get dressed for outside so i can get in the ten minute walk at noon. I am so glad i took two weeks. I can imagine "working" but glad i can continue to be slow in my recovery.

Last night we sat at the picnic table with the string of solar LED lights and played a game of Gin Rummy. The wind in the trees, the very comfortable temperatures: it was heavenly. The game was fun too: i actually won all the first half of the game, and then Christine went Gin and tied. Eventually Christine won, but i'm winning enough hands that it feels competitive.

The day had not gone that well for me - just feeling very uncentered about work. And then, the question as to whether i could come to Ohio in June, just after i find two colleagues who had been in the office have COVID. I have only seen one person wearing a freeking mask in any of the video calls. Guess i will be masked.

Mom's carer is concerned about M&D. So, there's going to be some difficult Dad wrangling. And today is a bit of getting on the same page with Dad and my sister with the doctor. The concerns with Mom & Dad aren't getting easier.

I spent all evening communicating instead of being in the yard - work email, then Dad facetime, then a phone call (that at least i took while in the yard). Tonight is a facetime mediation session that last night's call was prep for. (I am attending as support.) I hope i can get outside and plant the corn seedlings.

Tuesday midafternoon: i'm feeling out of it, "hangover" from last week. And then i find my friend and colleague from work is believes she is going to be let go because of the resistance to people working from home (plus, probably, some mix of racism and sexism). She has a stroke survivor mother at home who needs 24/7 attention and has happily been working from home since before the pandemic. But that doesn't count anymore. I am sick about it: guilt that i can work from home, so special, angry about some of the bad dynamics that are microagressions from one frame. ("Oh that's just T---, always so negative, but he doesn't mean any harm," is the other frame.)

Tuesday evening: teared up in conversation with Dad, triggered by frustration with his exhaustion and self preoccupation. He was complaining about his long hard day, and i just sort of snapped. I felt all of my exhaustion and the sense of trying to carry him and support him and his fighting it.

Power blinks this morning, thunder and lightning, flash flood alerts, and a much more severe COVID-19 threat map from the NYTimes.

Very thankful to have rain to push back the drought.

One thing the past few days has demonstrated to me was that i really did care that my siblings and i would all be together a little at Christmas. I have believed i didn't care, but my grief at the failing of plans illustrated to me i did.

On the other hand, my brother's plans for us all were -- irritating -- to my sister and i, so there's probably some good in not spending time miffed.

I am feeling a little less malaise today. Throat is still killing me, but i am better. (At least now, in the morning hours.) I wrote my doctor asking when to get tested. The "five to seven days after the contact's test results" seems slightly off- it seems it should be after having the contact? When i told Christine i'd written my doctor she burst into tears, saying she didn't want to think about it. She may be hiding her worries because she's being strong for me. She was clear though, that she didn't want to think about it.

I read Becky Chambers' The Galaxy, and the Ground Within (2021) yesterday. It's a shelter-in-place story that has some resonance with our COVID confinements and explores difference in a compassionate and authentic way. I am so delighted with science fiction that shows us futures of people getting along and making lives better in a way that seems like we could also have that better life on earth.
There's lots of food in the story, though, which may encourage lots of nibbling.

I ponder a creative daily effort. Or some practice.

In WTF news, my question to the doctor received a reply from the nurse that didn't really answer the question. And she's prescribing something i don't need, and the message won't admit a reply. Then i went ahead to try scheduling a COVID test. First open appointment was Monday April 4, 2022.

Really?

Anyhow, will ride around with Christine as she takes care of some errands.

I can't believe the week flew by quite so fast.

Dad tested negative for COVID, so that was a massive relief. I saw him after the test on Tuesday and we sat on the front porch and talked. He had the results on Wednesday.

Tuesday morning i found a box turtle making its way across our driveway in the morning. They aren't as fast as the rabbits, for sure, but they aren't as slow as comics and cartoons make them out. I'd like to see a race between a box turtle and a human scaled down to the same mass.

Wednesday i thought Marlowe had killed a Carolina wren. I got it from her, and when it stirred, i was startled, and it escaped me. Flew all around the office (Christine's studio B and my personal desk i never use). There's a border design of a grapevine swag at the top of the room -- it tried to land on it several times. It was adorable on the strings of the 12 string guitar. Eventually it went through the window to the screened porch, and out the porch door. Yay.

Then Marlow brought it in again. Clearly, it didn't really get clear of the predator zone.

This time we kept it trapped on the porch while i had a meeting. I caught it in the butterfly net (after may failed attempts, while not trying to be terrifying), and released it some ways away from the fenced area. While it could fly, it wasn't fully fledged.

Deer were Thursday's wildlife. I saw one grazing on the driveway weeds (I so covet a flame thrower weeder, and Christine's come around) and Christine saw eight when she went to walk Carrie.

I think she is so brave to go out into the UGH, into the humidity. This morning it felt like a bath room in which someone else had just finished having a long hot shower. Current self wishes the long evenings could be packaged up and saved for pleasant weather, especially now as the night draws in on both sides of the day.

I did stay out long enough to pick figs! Figs! I was so glum at the thought i would be waiting until October. They were all high in the tree so i gave the picker a go. It's better than not getting the fruit, and i might get better with practice, but it was easy to tear the figs apart, or have the stem pull skin away from the fruit. And i did pick a few too early. Then there were two that i just couldn't quite manage -- and they turned out to be right next to a wasp nest. Righto, not thrilled about that discovery, but glad i wasn't on a ladder with it in my face when i discovered it.

I picked the first apple of any size from the remaining tree from the previous two owners. The peach tree was dead our first year -- the brutal branch trimming surely part of what did it in. The apple near the sidewalk was rotten and we cut it down after a few years. But the last tree, even loosing so many leaves due to cedar apple rust -- it has apples high in the tree.

In other news, we bought me a ticket to Tampa and then canceled it tonight. There were about two hours where we didn't know why my Dad's cousin C-- had gone to the emergency room and whether we'd need someone in Florida. We assumed it had something to do with her continuing kidney issues. Christine arranged airplane tickets while i did loads of laundry. Then we found out. As i told my siblings:

me: DISTRESSING NEWS
me: C-- has been at the hospital and has been diagnosed with COVID. She is being treated and released home. I am on stand by to go to Florida if needed.
brother: Home with GMM?
me: I will urge Dad to get a COVID test ASAP.
me: YES.
me: PROFANITY
me: Dad has been tired
brother: Hfs
me: He has blamed it on Oral surgery
me: Dad is on phone with the woman staying with Grandmama
me: I had bean planning to fly down when it seemed it might be C---'s kidney.

I asked the doctor:

My father was in Florida Sat Aug 7 with his cousin and his mother. We visited with Dad Wed Aug 11. Today we find his cousin was diagnosed at the hospital in Florida with COVID. I believe my father should get tested for COVID: he's been very tired but has attributed it to oral surgery he had on Thursday. Should I and Christine also get tested?

WHEEEE.


Also, my dad called it "covig," confirming the "g" by spelling it There was a bit of time spent on, "wait what?" and confirming he meant COVID.

I am most proud of talking my dad out of DRIVING to Florida himself.

I can't believe today is Friday. The week has flown by, with an undercurrent of urgency as my departure for Florida approaches, and social events continue to occur. We had a college friend J-- contact us and let us know she was in town visiting family. We've not seen her since we moved back to NC (despite her being in the area), and i couldn't bear to say no. But we said Thursday, which was when Tropical Storm Elsa was passing through with pouring rain.

Which meant having someone inside.

Inside, where we (mainly Christine) have books in stacks and we haven't seen the surface of the kitchen table in aeons. The house feels crowded, as clutter is everywhere.

But OK. And then her whole family was coming with, which promoted a small panic, so we found the kitchen table! And while i was in meetings, Christine tidied the living room. "This isn't small," J-- said, as she arrived -- alone, thank heavens -- and i did a double take, wondering WHERE ARE ALL THE BOOKS??

So, yay for restored order, although i do have some plant things on the laundry machine that need some sort of home.

--== ∞ ==--

I find myself recalling how much i wanted to impress J-- in college, how much i wanted to be interesting, and i observe myself judging myself in retrospect, "ooh, not clever enough." I will try to stop that. I also note the political judgements i was making. She spoke briefly about the social support network in England being brutal and cruel with no hope, I contrasted to Scandinavia, she returned with an observation about heterogeneity and things possibly changing with immigration. Little flags about "Arizona immigration biases" popped up in my mind, while i also could recognize some truth. I ponder my trust/distrust reactions while recognizing that it seems J-- is more focused on numbers, data, facts.

--== ∞ ==--

The whole day had a blurry quality to it: power blinks, rain, and storm threat (that i consciously was rolling my eyes at), the getting ready for company -- five additional people! -- the presence of someone i was delighted to see and yet who is more a stranger than not. Then wine at lunch and coming down off the adrenaline.

We have another social thing tomorrow, another connection from (oy) 30 years ago. At least all the house appearance insecurities are covered. Christine's house appearance insecurities mark a milestone in her American womanhood socialization. I've struggled with mine for years, because my mother demanded spotless, tidy, and well-styled living spaces. I learned over time that most people don't live in a house ready for Southern Living or Sunset to show up and do a photo shoot, that i can have a house that IS lived in. I've tried to accommodate Christine's clutter since we have been living together, as a negotiation of two people living together with rational priorities. "What will visitors think" is, to me, a much lower priority than "I would like to be comfortable." But -- wow -- the socialization to have the place look "nice" is so entrenched.

--== ∞ ==--

It has been a pretty unproductive-at-work week with some intense periods. I did realize today that the throat issue is almost gone, and the back soreness just is a ghost.

Over 2.5 inches of rain with little other effect: all the work to manage rain like this seems to be working, diverting rain away from the house. The NYTimes has raise the COVID risk level as the postive tests in the county have ticked up with some regularity now -- not statistical blips. The counties around have ticked up, too, and i feel it's back to masks for me. So depressing.