elainegrey: Inspired by Grypping/gripping beast styles from Nordic cultures (Default)
Tuesday, January 13th, 2015 06:27 am
This morning's reading: Brechin, Gray. “A New Deal for California.” Boom 4, no. 4. Accessed January 12, 2015. http://www.boomcalifornia.com/2015/01/a-new-deal-for-california/. Recommended for a reminder of the scope of the New Deal and advertisement for how you can get involved in Citizen History: http://livingnewdeal.org/

I do note the irony of "crowd sourcing" in an era when we could have used a Newer Deal to hire historians to do this.

Yesterday's was the poster abstracts and Thursday's talk abstracts from “2015 CNPS Conservation Conference: Celebrating 50 Years of Progress and Promise.” San Jose, CA, 2015. http://www.cnps.org/cnps/conservation/conference/2015/.

--==∞==--

What if you allowed space and time? If you didn’t force the current or want everything to come the way you want it NOW? What if you were patient and accepting of life’s natural timing? What if you allowed space and time to allow the fruit of your creativity to ripen. http://tinybuddha.com/blog/50-creative-questions-to-create-the-life-you-really-want/

This is what i have been trying to do over the past handful of years, to some extent. I've notes about tracking the tides of my energy (often at ebb) and learning from my depression. So, reports from there: there's a force this goes against, and that is the force of dominant culture. The self-talk learned from all the helpful articles about setting goals, the type-A achievement culture pushes against this. Probably .. possibly... there are folks who are accepting of life's timing and are prolific fountains. I'm a little jealous of them at times. I've reached an age where i hear Successful People talking about their formative years and i choke, realizing they are younger than i.

If you allow natural timing, the unnatural world will jet around you giving you the sense that you are stuck in the mud. You need to find a way to deal with the backwash from those motors.

My experience is that it is a good feeling, this natural flow of the order of things. There is still discernment to be done: there are currents to avoid, currents to catch. There are equilibria that bring about a survival state, like being caught in an eddy, pushed into a backwater. One doesn't have to accept that, and there are ways to migrate to other environments with more dynamic equilibria. I think that's the challenge: if you're caught in a stagnant state, how do you migrate to a more dynamic state without over doing it and overpowering the natural flow?

I think of my reading about systems, and realize the answer may be that if one chooses to be patient and accept life's natural timing, one also must choose to be sensitive and alert... and there's something here about great disappointment and joy. There's something about overpowering the natural flow to fight disappointment. I don't think this question is about blindly accepting: i think of various health issues, and i don't think accepting a diagnosis is what is being held up as the ideal in the question. I think the question points to a sort of negotiation with what condition we find comes to us as opposed to a striving with our will.

I suppose this musing is to recognize that there's the Self Help magazine culture of American Dream achievement which is a ego centered striving and another Ecclesiastes 3:1 "There is a time for" awareness where one takes in the whole context.

And in that "there is a time" I'd wager there is a time for ego centered striving. I think it's, what, 16? 15?
elainegrey: Inspired by Grypping/gripping beast styles from Nordic cultures (Default)
Monday, September 15th, 2014 05:53 am
Timestamp 5:53 am

Ha, the Sustainability MOOC i'm taking may have crashed someone's webserver. The case study for this week is down. I read it last night: it describes transitions between types of property rights as tied to evolution of agriculture. It was interesting in light of some thoughts i had when reading about the ... Cambodian? rubber plantations.

--==∞==-- Time passes. --==∞==--

3:59 pm Wow, that day sped by...

4:50 pm and keeps on doing so.

Query: Are there concerns i may ask another to carry for me?

Christine is carrying many of our household concerns. I don't think there's anything more to ask her to carry.

My dad is carrying the concern about my mother. I'm letting that go for a while.

Not sure there are any work concerns that i don't already try to delegate. Just today i asked the architect to lead in one important area - hoping he will. I'm letting my boss carry the worries about the coming reorg and the new CTO's leadership. (Not impressed that the CTO hasn't met with the release management group.)

I'm trying to let go of concerns about Meeting. My role now should be taking on other's concerns (and helping the clerk lead the community in addressing them), not generating my own.

I know others are carrying my health as a concern. I probably need to take more responsibility for that, myself.
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elainegrey: Inspired by Grypping/gripping beast styles from Nordic cultures (Default)
Sunday, August 31st, 2014 11:23 am
So when do i consider myself well? I am still having a productive cough, although it's more often phlegmatic clearing of the throat. Is this well? Do i stop mollycoddling myself yet?

[Insert exasperation.]

Moving on to a query instead of dwelling on that, i type, "jot -r 1 1 27" at the command line, and have 6 as a result. On to my list of queries for journaling and....

Dear random number generator,

Your choice of query for me, "What has caused frustration in the past day (week) and how may i go forward?" is disturbingly close to my own query for me. My superstitions are reinforced by your selection.

Cheers,

me


Well, YES, how may i go forward? Or, you know, When?

You don't need to read this about chronic rhinitis and my thinking by wrtiting. )

There. Hope. A plan forward.
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elainegrey: Inspired by Grypping/gripping beast styles from Nordic cultures (Default)
Thursday, August 14th, 2014 06:03 am
Twitter news, thank you for the OMG-headshake of Ferguson news overnight. The fascinating view of http://map.ipviking.com/ had revealed to me last Tuesday the Anonymous attack on the St Louis area.

Query: Are there yams i've eaten in the past day, yams getting cold on the plate?

There are probably yams getting cold, as i have been feeling like a lump as i wait to clear from the asthma attack (and then had the face pain flare yesterday afternoon into evening). There's a staff review that is definitely on the to-do list as critical to wrap up.

In Fury news: the psychiatrist Christine went to see yesterday sent her packing when she mentioned her other therapist. He wants to be your only mental health provider. I haven't sent my letter yet to the health care company. MUST SEND EDITED LETTER. Is that a Yam? Probably. I should call, too. Have them find someone competent again as the guy Christine saw was one of the only highly ranked providers for the health care company. She's going to go see another person out of pocket who comes recommended by her current therapist.
elainegrey: Inspired by Grypping/gripping beast styles from Nordic cultures (Default)
Monday, August 11th, 2014 06:33 am
I woke far too early in the predawn gloom, and didn't fall asleep easily. The last hour before trying to fall asleep and the hour before journaling, though, i have made good progress on sweeping up loose ends. I'm beginning to feel a sense of knowing what i've committed to out there, and like i can make decisions about what to do next without missing something important.

I almost missed a commitment yesterday morning: i was signed up to close Meeting for Worship, but having been feverish the past few days i had lost that thread. I didn't want to leave Christine in the morning.... It worked out fine, as i recalled as i drove in.

Today's query: What joy have i experienced in the past day (week)?

I was thinking about joy during worship, and how i don't know if i sense joy as an experience that often. "Rejoice," i thought, and i realize i do know how to do that. (Some difference between active and passive experience, i suppose.) I rejoice often in seeing the expressions of contentment on our sleeping cats, and, with Greycie Loo (who never seems content in the way the boyos do) i rejoice in when she reaches out and asks for affection.

This past week i've rejoiced in my borage plant: tossing some of the bright blue flowers in a salad of basil, cucumber, tomato, and orange, pinching back some of the faded blossoms to see if that promotes continued blooming along the cyme.

"Make Grace a habit, not a ritual," came to me during worship, too, tied up with my reflection on joy. What i call grace is a refreshing experience, washing away clutter that overwhelms me and helping me see the simple next steps forward.

I noticed yesterday evening, as i awaited my brother's visit, that i had the energy and clarity to do some chores -- with ease, not with "gotta do." I was aware in the moment of the ease, and i will say i rejoiced in it.

I'm not sure how to make grace a habit: other ways of thinking about it are remembering to be present in the moment. I've lots of little triggers i've tried to create for myself out there: i'll just keep reminding myself.

I know what woke me was anxiety about a meeting today. So it goes.
elainegrey: Inspired by Grypping/gripping beast styles from Nordic cultures (Default)
Sunday, August 10th, 2014 07:31 am
This morning's dream ended with a rocky beach shore landscape, with the tide far out, and instead of fascinating tide pools, there was junk junk and more junk. Earlier in the dream the landscape was very cold, a village of some sort, with horses in a corner lot and a handful of us standing at that corner, when a white colt jumped cleanly over the fence and went running about in the joy of being young and coordinated. A great deal more in the dreams: a code written in playing cards? But little beyond impressions left. Foreign coinage. Something about the arctic. Hotels. Public transportation on carts or backs of trucks.

--==∞==--

I was reminded yesterday of my intent to journal in response to queries (mucking through my inbox), so this morning i have "rolled" for "Do I let people in power (politicians, large companies, influential organizations) know of my concerns? Do I follow that up with action such as voting, shopping or donating differently?" This comes from a list a queries a friend wrote up for allies.

Christine has lead us in one direction: due to the seal hunts we boycott Canadian fish. I don't write letters as much as i would like, though. I'm happy to say that yesterday i spent some time reading an environmental impact statement and wrote the City of Cupertino of my concerns about how they were progressing with project approval. I think the alert email i received was a little too ... overwrought, but it is a sensitive and critical habitat.

So, other than a few choice points of evidence, the answer is no. I sit in the morning gloom and wonder what i will, could, do about that. What do i want to do about that? I can imagine what i can do, with joy and skill, about the project in sensitive habitat: i'm putting time and energy into developing those skills. Advocacy in the face of injustice: first i need to open myself to being exposed to the injustices, and i fear being overwhelmed.

--==∞==--

Meanwhile, i'm pretty sure the fever has passed and i'm mostly back to myself. Some evidence in hindsight comes to mind, and i wonder if i caught the bug at the aquarium where all those vectors were screaming and running around. When i was feeling my worst, Christine subscribed to the Consumer Reports website and did research on what was the best thermometer, and then went out and bought it.

I've subsequently found myself with up to three degree variations in temperature measurements over five measurements. Sometimes throwing out the outlier can help, but sometimes not. I don't know what i'm supposed to think, but a baseline seems required. The thermometer instructions note that one has a lower temperature in the morning than the evening and that there can be a difference of .2 degrees due to slight differences in measuring: neither explains a three degree difference.

The last time i had a mercury thermometer, i was in college. I dropped it on the terrazzo floor of my eighty some year old dorm room, and the environmental team showed up in hazmat suits to clean it up.

I wonder if you can buy them on ebay? Ooooh! You can.

Hmmm.
elainegrey: Inspired by Grypping/gripping beast styles from Nordic cultures (Default)
Sunday, May 25th, 2014 06:27 am
[Pennyroyal-3:~] [me]% jot -r 1 1 25
14

Am i present to the those who most depend on me? Am i giving what i am depended on for?
(Source, see http://elainegrey.livejournal.com/2124754.html?thread=2770386#t2770386)

In the past ... month ... let's say. I know Christine has missed me as i've gone off on my junkets and i've returned with my head in photos and botany. Then there has been a weekend full of Nominating work and Meeting for Business. It's been a very busy month. So there has been some absence which is felt, i know. When i've been present, i think i have been Present.

Not sure about staff at work... or Meeting. The phone connection on 101 has gotten worse and i've had a hard time using the commute time to be present with my parents. I think i've found a solution from my conversations with some folks, but my mother seemed to find it a poor connection.

--==∞==--

Yesterday's salad was delicious. I had some weeks old butter lettuce that was not part of the deliciousness (but was unobjectionable), weeks old yet still fresh carrots (tops didn't look too sad), a very fresh Chioggia beet and one of the first California peaches of the year. Tossed with a little blue cheese and pecans: it was delicious and gently sweet.

I have one more peach and beet.
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elainegrey: Inspired by Grypping/gripping beast styles from Nordic cultures (Default)
Tuesday, April 1st, 2014 07:00 am
I do wonder where this blanket of blues has come from. It became palpable as i arrived home yesterday. The skies cleared and i tried to shake the blues off by getting a walk in and looking for rainbows.

All clean after the rain


The clear air, the crisp light, the saturation of colors due to the rain! My eyes were delighted.

As soon as i went back inside a weight fell back on me. To be early, and awaken: blanket is still there. I assume that some amount of it is feeling disappointed with myself with work progress. I want to avoid the queries at this time, but lets see if i can help pull myself out. Today's random choice is from here.

What do I need to do to prepare myself to be attentive to whatever way God chooses to reveal God-self? What are the potential distractions or obstacles that will hinder me from being aware or open to the movement of God?

Merghurrrmmmmm. Ugh.

....

At this point, Christine reads my body language and reaches over to pet my forehead and inquire. For me, that love and compassion is a Divine expression, That-Which-Is moving through time through us, and i tried to let my self soak it in. (Having just read the query, i was attentive: not sure how well i would have been earlier.)

The actual - not potential - distraction is my feeling guilt about not getting a very late commitment to my team completed. I will try to be compassionate with myself about this, and -- this reminds me of a practice i had some years back: framing my direction as "not care less" playing on "not careless" and "couldn't care less" while trying to find the balance. How do you keep a concern -- here, my failure to follow through with reasonably good excuses -- front and center so the pressure to address it stays motivating, yet not so much pressure that you paralyze yourself with guilt and depression? "Not care less" was a phrase i used to try to find the thin path between giving up and guilting up, a ridge that made treading through the muck of depression a little easier.

So, there -- that's my path for today.
elainegrey: Inspired by Grypping/gripping beast styles from Nordic cultures (Default)
Thursday, March 27th, 2014 06:39 am
One common tradition in Friends Meetings is to read queries to the gathered Meeting for Worship. In Pacific Yearly meeting, Faith and Practice has twelve sets of queries read once a month. In the past at my meeting, they were read on the first Firstday (Sunday) in the month.

Some particular someone got a bee in his bonnet about this being programmed worship. We've dropped the practice despite others in the meeting thinking that the queries should be read.

During Wednesday evening worship, a rare occasion for me, i found myself thinking about queries.

One thought is to lead a return of the practice.

Another thought is to return to my own practice of journaling in response to queries.

Periodically i've gone through practices of responding to questions, not just the Yearly Meeting's queries, but also some others. I'm imagining drawing a random number and responding from a set list.

Here are some ideas
  1. How have i furthered the cause of social justice in the past day (week) and what opportunities have i missed? (I thought about this during worship and the drive home. I don't see many places where i act to support social justice, but i noted by buying from Amazon instead of REI i supported the distribution center business. I think i may find this query good practice.)
  2. How have i practiced compassion in the past day (week) and what opportunities have i missed?
  3. How have i conserved natural resources in the past day (week) and what opportunities have i missed?
  4. In what way did i best steward my time and what opportunities have i missed?
  5. What was the most beautiful moment in the past day (week)?
  6. What has caused frustration in the past day (week) and how may i go forward?
  7. Are there concerns that i may carry for another?
  8. Are there concerns i may ask another to carry for me?
  9. Have i been using those tools that i know make my life better? (Or that i'm experimenting with?)
  10. Are there yams[1] i've eaten in the past day, yams getting cold on the plate?
  11. What abundance have i experienced in the past day (week)?
  12. What joy have i experienced in the past day (week)?
  13. Have i been attending to the transitions (joy/flow/meander) and when may i have missed the opportunity?

Do you have any offerings for me?


[1] http://elainegrey.livejournal.com/1041377.html?thread=1116129#t1116129