(health, depression, adhd, travel, f&f)

[elainegrey]

Good news, it was happy, thoughtful doctor Wednesday.


On the other hand, my sense of floating .. grief? Depression? Low self esteem? I dunno.... continued. I spent much of Wednesday and Thursday evenings reading. We'll see if i've managed a mental reset. The days were was less of a dark mood, more a six years old's "I don' wanna" mood. So i gave into that for a while.

Labels.

Seasonal affective disorder. Which i think of as struggling against the genetic programming that the dark cool season is meant for more rest that we give ourselves.

And ADHD, which i think of as ... well, i don't think i should work hard at a description right now as it seems to be ... not helping. But knowing the difference in need helps me interpret my "failures" with far more compassion.


So. I am emotionally drained. Look at me, i did emotional labor for the family.


I knew my sister wanted to make sure Dad "had some Christmas", and was inviting him to join in with her family in decorating. L-- had made sure Mom had "had some Christmas" these years, bringing decorations and flowers; this was her continuing the tradition and sharing a holiday observance with someone who shared her grief.

Friday around 8 pm:

L--: Dad just told me he can’t come decorate the tree with us tomorrow night because he made a date “and well I can’t be in two places at once.” Sigh.
Me: He's going to learn a different sort of lonely if he doesn't think. I am sorry.
L--: It smarted for sure. Sad to be second place. But it shows where he is right now. Love you and thanks 😘
Me: God, he's a teenager. Ugh.

I fell asleep that evening thinking about L--'s grief, and Dad's trends of self-centeredness. He'd been consumed for years by Mom's care, and yes, he's grieving. But he's definitely NOT been thinking about other people and especially not stretching to think about other people being different than him.

This morning i called Dad and we talked about keeping L--'s and her kids' grief in mind. He is so pragmatic, we talked about essentially that pragmatism might not translate as caring for someone. We talked about how he goes to the same three restaurants and how maybe asking other people where they want to go sometime would show care for other's desires. He's already got a date on L--'s birthday, which i don't know if he had really realized before the call. I told him about the restaurant L-- has been really delighted with and gave him the details. He's been going to nicer restaurants on his dates; taking L-- to a nice restaurant for her birthday will be a good thing for her.

This is the type conversation i can have with Dad without drama. It's was hard as i was open to his emotions, my feelings about what i imagine of L--'s grief, and trying not to shame but to coach. I don't know how successful i was. I know Dad is still grieving Mom's absence in his life and he and i both recognize the dating is escapism and distraction and rebound.

In the end, i have felt exhausted all day by the emotional space holding first thing this morning -- that plus departing for Denver tomorrow slurped up this day. Well, Christine and i watched some TV together.

In irritations, i can't find the silk scarf i bought for conference travel. I bought toothpaste with sodium lauryl sulfate, which i react to. The sweetpotatoes are still in the ground because it rained today, and the continuing rain this week will not do the tubers any favors.

I'm sure i will be fine, i'm just anxious about air travel.

Comments

[egret]

That was a lot.
Safe travels!

[elainegrey]

Thanks!

[tamena]

it's good you can talk to your Dad like that, I don't think I could do that with mine, though he might surprise me
and this is the first Christmas without Mom being present, be gentle with you too hun *hugs*
safe travels for sure, ask at the front desk if they have other toothpaste when you get there

[elainegrey]

Thanks. I have to go get water for my CPAP and some other things from a drug store, so tooth paste is just one more. It was like locusts had descended on the travel size items at the grocery store.

[threemeninaboat]

Welcome to Denver! Make to Meow Wolf if you can! Let me know if you need anything.

[elainegrey]

Thanks so much. As i approach the trip i've felt more and more overwhelmed with the thought of all the interactions with so many people. And i'm imagining after 10 to 11 hours of conference my colleague is going to want to do the informal meeting. Christine loved her visit to Denver some years ago. Maybe when she is back to traveling we can come together and Do Art and Landscape and meet you and others here in person.

[amaebi]

I applaud your grace and your effort.

I think maybe I didn't quite realize the time parameters of your visit to Denver, amid my own frenzy of Chun Woo and Sheeyun. We will be driving back down from Vail in a few hours. So I should be around when you're around.

[elainegrey]

I thought i'd text you some reasonable hour on MST. My feet and back were unhappy after the flight, and i went to sleep up as soon as i was settled at the hotel.