elainegrey

Joys and delights: the deer seem to have forgotten that gladiolus taste good. I reflect the doe that might have been the frequent diner could have died: that would be sad. But i had planted a deep fuschia red gladiolus in the first years of living here and never really saw them. This year they have bloomed and not been eaten before i could pick them. The color looks quite nice with the more delicate pink ruffled glads that came with the house.

DILL! I am harvesting dill heads! And plenty of coriander that i need to THRESH. And i have several TABLESPOONS of poppy seed. Although i wonder if some of the seed isn't quite right -- maybe picked too early? Not pollinated? But, still, nifty!

Challenge: WTF walking in (a very very low heel, these) with stockings. My foot slides down and my toes are jammed mercilessly forward. The shoes are slightly better with no stockings, but i'm going to wear stockings to my mom's memorial because it's Mom and it's the south. I suppose i could wear one of my pairs of ... well, search for "womans black leather work slip on shoe" and some of them sort of look like the other black shoes i have. I'm thinking i will find something sticky to put on the bottom of the stockings (then they will be "stickings"), which surely won't make it through the day. Everything else about that outfit is set. Except maybe what earrings i will wear. I did spend time looking for a shoe that i would really value having and none ALSO seemed suitable for Mom's memorial.

Today's "Unclear on the message" was my Aunt P-- who asked if Christine would be coming to a gathering she and Aunt J-- were planning. "Christine has a very hard time when people don't use her correct name, and she doesn't trust my extended family to use the right name, " i said. "Oh i under stand i've developed some form of agoraphobia," she replied. I didn't know what to say, maybe next time i will add, "Take you for example. When Christine transitioned you wrote us a letter filled with anger telling us to stay out of your life because you didn't approve. You've never said anything to soften that since." I've communicated with my Aunt since my mom's stroke and realize she's probably COMPLETELY FORGOTTEN she did that. But Christine sure hasn't. And i haven't.

I hope i haven't hurt people and forgotten.There's also hurting people and not knowing, which is also not desired and hard to repair, but doing something intentional and then forgetting?

I wrote a few days ago, "i need to ensure i am able to engage in them [hobbies, crafts] deeply instead of flit, flit, flit."

sonia replied, "My immediate response to this was, 'Why? There's nothing wrong with flitting.'"

It's a good question, and, given the day, one i'd like to meditate on at more length.

I know i have a certain need for novelty, but i also have a need for a deeper satisfaction. When i stick with using tools i develop a proficiency that then leads to a pleasure of having a skill.

Part of my flitting is inspired by new school (or art or craft) supplies and the promise of a fresh start, the possibilities the new supplies signify. (Or new books that i don't read or new notebooks i do not write in or new....) I start, and then flit off again. It's very common, i think: the term "UFO" in the yarn world to designate an "Un-Finished Object" points to the temptation even when one stays within a craft. In our culture, for the many who are moderately affluent, it's easier to buy new supplies for a new project than it is to finish an existing project. And if the existing project isn't going quite right, or some of the pleasure has waned, the new project is free of those associations, and exists in the potential of perfection and joy.

So now that i have a new shiny toy, a digital art device, i reflect on the other drawing tablet devices i've bought over the years and have used once or twice, the stacks of supplies, and i want to stick with this and pursue my creation to some level of satisfaction. I'd had a box of 64 crayons and a sketch pad next to my bed for a long time, well over a year, but after discovering an application called Skitch, i'd been doodling on my phone before sleep. It's the consistency with which i used that application -- not very consistent, but consistent enough -- that made me covet the iPad. I had more colors of crayons than i had in the palette on Skitch, but the ease of managing my phone made it easier to use the application to sketch.

Buying such an expensive New Thing did make me think about all the space allocated to the old things, lying fallow. I'd passed on old acrylic paints this fall, keeping the one product line that i really like. I think i could stand to do more lightening. Intensify what i know i enjoy and use, let go of the older dreams that walked through my life.

I can remember a really powerful session scribbling with the crayons, venting anger onto a page. I know that physicality isn't in the tablet. But is that potential need for a future catharsis enough to keep that tool around? I don't think so: i will still have paints to have a tactile physical experience.

Flitting and acquiring are great practices for exploration: i think i want to move on to discovery, be more intentional, let go of dusty habits and tools and decorative items and books.

I can't imagine i will stop trying new things, but new is a fractal experience.

We can look at a young child and recognize a new life, celebrate the newness of a new year, awaken to a new dawn, or even recognize the new beginning available with an intentional deep breath. The cycles within cycles are there, providing new opportunity and novelty wherever one wishes to find it.

So, instead of new tools, new techniques with existing tools. Instead of a new wardrobe, pare away the clutter and worn items to see the core essence of the wardrobe i have. Digest what i read instead of dashing on to the next new bit of information.

There's nothing wrong with flitting: there's a beauty and a joy available there. I'm feeling a need to make a change, like a season shifting, though.

I don't know how much is symbolic, tied to the need for change at work, and how much is tied to spiritual change and practice, and how much is a pragmatic examination of the "total cost of ownership" of stuff.

It's good change though, i think.

Yesterday's back to work was hard. I was quite dull, but i think i made a reasonable pass through email and got some dread paperwork done. Huzzah.

In the evening i went shopping with my grandmother's gift money, shopping from the recliner. I hope the stuff i ordered fits. I didn't think to check the return policy.... but it's quite reasonable. Huzzah. I picked out a beautiful cobalt blue cardigan and have sense been at etsy looking for cobalt blue earrings. I was noticing sparkly drop earrings, the same cut and the same setting over and over again. It appears those must be fairly standard components. I now have a list of favorites that has been mostly purged of stock components and seem to have more unique offerings. I can't decide on sparkly crystal or the other offerings: an agate (dyed?), glass with stars and moon in vermille, matte glass.... The sparkles beckon!


Off to stock up on Dayquil and enjoy the empty roads on the commute.

So, yesterday i spent "far too much time" reading about "Low-Water Immersion Dyeing" techniques. I knew there was something procrastinatory about it, but there was something else. Some sort of obsessive learning process that irritated me: I don't need another project. But when i awoke this morning, my brain had sorted out some things -- and even if i don't think i need a project, my brain seems to have taken this on as a Good Idea. I realized that i don't want to get into the color wheel mixing CMY that the kit supports. I understand the process but i also know how much experimentation is needed. I'm just imagining that i can satisfy some clothing desires (fair trade, colors i desire, potentially cost) and creativity desires. Dharma has clearly experimented with the basic dyes to develop their own colors. I can just get the colors i (and Christine?) want.

I can borrow the book on techniques from the library. (Done.)

I'm still an obsessive plan mode, i see, from the two hours i've spent looking at colors and pulling notes together. *headdesk*

Hoorahs for Saturday:
* staying relaxed, cool despite the heat wave. Moffett Field hit 92°F at the time our car and landing thermometers were reading 100°. I don't know if this is that Moffett is really somewhat cooler or if it's a shade thing.
* restarted my health cart
* linking up with my co-website editor and finding em to be very similar to me in that ey admitted to some depression, social anxiety. We chatted & did not skype, which was probably a relief to both of us. I certainly led and managed during the chat. *Exhale* There's not too much to do here, even if i get left with it. The site could use someone who can do some lightweight architecture modifications, but it can get by with simple care a feeding. And i can remember that my co-editor is younger (25ish), and i probably seem all middle aged and distant. I asked em if ey were out to eir meeting, and i realize i don't know how ey identify: what would out mean to em?
* Taking books to book traders and then to the library donation drop off. Done, despite the heat and the art fair. Used up the tiny bit of trade received on a Dorothy Sayers novel and Understanding Comics: The Invisible Art by Scott McCloud. I'd read the McCloud book before, but it's a good reference i should re-read.

Yams: Library, work: JIRAs and the Key request.

Off to the Meetinghouse for the Library Committee work time & then Meeting.

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