elainegrey

Tears watching the light show from London, watching the celebration of the NHS and Black Lives Matter in the sky. I grieve this country, but i am also understanding how broken this country has been all along. As i become more aware of events like the lynching of Wyatt Outlaw (1870) and burning, massacres of the Black communities in Wilmington, NC (1898,also a coup) and Tulsa, OK (1921), i become more aware of how brutally my fellow Americans have been terrorized. My beliefs of "what we used to be" are false. The grief is for the myth.

Meanwhile, the house still smells strongly of scorched food. My sister gave us a steamer bucket that was delivered yesterday. The water boiled off far faster than the instructions implied. Christine was triggered by the idea of crab -- the killing of the creatures -- so i did as i did so often with Dungeness crab in California and picked through the exoskeleton to harvest the meat, to eat it in some dish where meat would be separate from dismemberment. I wonder about the wisdom of giving such to Mom & Dad: i hope the delight and the memories over weigh the mess and the fuss for them. Dad will have to do all the work to help Mom eat. On the other hand, this sort of seafood was a joy for my parents.

I don't find augury to be meaningful, but the temptation to wonder about what such a smoke scented New Year's day presages. (On the other hand, i can't remember new years 2020 at all.)

I'm pretty sure this isn't going to be heard, but it's what i felt i had to do. I received a message from a Public Quaker who is a member of meeting, with the subject "Have you seen this?":

[Transgendered attendee of Meeting] & [Me],

[Someone's name] (Philadelphia area, Quake-ish person, from a public Facebook post):

“Making an exception from my social media break to say: Shit is Scary out there, ( Nazis in Philly,unsafe for a public observance of the Transgendered Day of Remembrance, an invitation to a private gathering )

If you're nonbinary, trans, or GNC in the delaware or philly area reach out to me you are WELCOME to join us. Tea and Cake and hugs for everyone. Maybe we'll record a couple of songs. Come be part of this and know you're loved.”

I replied, just to him

Hi [Public Quaker],

No i hadn't. I'm not sure why you are curious if i have.

If i lived in Philly still i could see the first paragraph being helpful in a warning sense, but i don't, so i don't need the warning. I certainly don't need a reminder of the violence targeting transgender bodies that has been high and terrible for years. I viscerally recall my fears for Christine when she first traveled outside of an urban area after transitioning. I sit with her morning after morning as she tries to cope with her fears living here in Chatham county.

Won't be going to Philly for a private event either.

I'm writing you back because i have the spoons to do so. I know how exhausting it is for Christine to have to do all the sifting through people's clumsy communications. As a person with much more privilege I can take the time and parse through and finally guess, "Maybe Chuck is asking whether i've heard about there being some documentary in some state of completion about Trans issues?" I know if i wanted to share this with Christine or [Transgendered person in Meeting], i wouldn't ask them if they've heard of it, as if the trans community is some monolith and every trans person is plugged in. I wouldn't expect them to tell me about it. I'd do the simple web search and find the website http://americaintransition.org/ and send *that* link to [Transgendered person in Meeting] with [trying to mindread here] a question of whether she's watched it, and whether this might also be helpful for Meeting.

This message brought to you by my reflections earlier today about about a far more subtle communication that has required Christine to set a boundary so that she can take care of herself. I have no idea if [Transgendered person in Meeting] has the limited energy budget that Christine has, but signs point to yes. I've no idea if she's been attacked before, but i'd want to show i cared and understood by thinking about how that first paragraph might affect her.

I know this is a chiding tone, and i hope you will listen to it also as me sharing the ache i have day in and out caring for someone who is a constant state of hyper-vigilance. I imagine you can understand, as you too care for people who are too often targets for violence.

In Love,
[me]

I'm not sure i had the spoons, but i sure as hell didn't want to assume that the other woman who received this would be stuck with the message. I wrote her letting her know that i had replied privately:

I do hope [Public Quaker]'s short facebook forward didn't trigger you as much as it did me, and if it was triggering you were able to pass it by. There were too many problems with that message that i felt i should elder him a little. ... but i wanted you to know i found the communication not respectful of you and i let him know a respectful communication would have been to put the films being produced under http://americaintransition.org/ (if that was his point? I'm mind reading here) front and center and ask whatever question he had in mind.

The California Friend GM complains again regarding the word "whiteness." It make me want to poke my eyes out with forks. "I mean the word," he says, "you misunderstand me."

I feel as if we are talking past each other. I’m sorry if my words were not well chosen. In my email I intended to talk about words only, not social institutions. In particular about the choice of the word w-h-i-t-e-n-e-s-s, and only that word.

I don't know that i've seen "I'm just talking about words not the social institutions" on derailment bingo.

I'm also cranky because i was awakened TWICE by my phone blaring out the world is going to end noise to wake me up and alert me to flash flood warnings. We're on high land and have no concerns from flash floods while safe at home. Ah, i can turn off severe alerts and leave on extreme alerts (i did like getting an alert for the tornado warning a few months ago). I wish the emergency warnings came with a time range choice.

Someone posted a poll yesterday asking how how frequently one's interactions are sincere. "Free from pretense or deceit; proceeding from genuine feelings." Many of the comments seemed to equate sincere with speaking ones mind: i'm not sure they're the same thing.

Apparently NPR has a new blog/column called Code Switching to talk about the intersections of cultures and our multiple identities. I know there are some people who would think as code switching as insincere: sure there's just one voice that is your true voice, the rest must be pretense.

I think sincere interactions have much to do with the relationship, not the self. My sincere self, isolated from a particular relationship with an other might observe something i don't respect about hypothetical being Alpha. "My, Alpha isn't very good at motivating our committee, and doesn't seem to really do more than the dead minimum." I might share that observation with Christine, particularly if she asked how the committee meeting went.

But because i don't respect one aspect of how Alpha is handling something, doesn't mean it is insincere to treat Alpha with respect. Alpha is more than the role. Politeness doesn't demand insincerity, but i do think it involves recognizing what is appropriate in a time and place. If i were in a social situation with Alpha and a few folks, and Alpha were to crow how easy our committee has it, it isn't insincere to agree that the agendas are often quite short. It's polite.

It may be a measure of my integrity whether i pull Alpha aside at a future date and inquire whether they are aware of some issue we aren't addressing.

I don't think it's insincere to bite one's lip and not say, "You're crazy, that's a stupid idea," to a boss. Insincerity would be saying, "Oh, that's a brilliant idea, you're so clever!" but unless you have been invited in the relationship to be open and blunt (and the invitation was sincere) the relationship isn't about speaking one's mind.

And i think the distinction i make about integrity and sincerity is key, and it's why the code switching article triggered my reflection.

It is hard to be a whole person in our culture, especially if you are not part of the dominant culture. I suspect a reflection on American literature of the last century could provide many examples of straight WASP males struggling with integrity, or claiming integrity at the cost of being pushed outside the dominant power structures.

The more i think of it, the more i reflect that the American culture i am aware of is all about code switching. The boardroom code, the sports stand code, the bar code, the backyard grill code. I know advertisements reinforce these different codes by using violations of the code for humor and impact. I think where the fingers get pointed about "not being real" and a sense of broken integrity is when one's realms of behavior and community cross between dominant culture and the other.

If you're playing on "our team" we don't want you on "the other side" as well.

In that frame, it's clear to those within it that you have to pick a team and to do otherwise is to be dishonest.

I reject that frame. I think there is integrity in performing in a context and a community in which you are a member as a member, and there is no loss in integrity in being part of many communities. Performance isn't the same as one's values: and one can perform with and without integrity in all of the contexts.

And one can be late for work if one doesn't get off the blog and get moving!

I'm skimming the headlines in my RSS feed and note, "Gabby Douglas' mom filed for bankruptcy" as a headline. Who is Gabby Douglas, i wonder, and why should i care? So, i click to see the snippet, which says, "Olympic gymnast Gabby Douglas." Well F*** You, Associated Press, for your unnecessary muckraking.

I say this out loud, with vehemence, and Christine points out that Gabby is the first African American gymnast to medal. This news prompted me to call down even more curses on the Associated Press and tweet a "Shame on you."

I'm curious whether any of y'all have followed this story and can defend it as being beyond sensationalistic racist muckraking?

The only times i think it's newsworthy that someone filed for bankruptcy is (a) when the same person is hawking investments and (b) when financial hardship might be motive in a crime.

Gossip, sheer gossip.

Grumpily.

Our Yearly Meeting is doing a survey on use of internet mediated communication. The demographics they ask for are age range, whether one is affiliated with a Meeting, and gender.

Not whether one lives in an urban or rural setting, or how much it costs to have internet access, or at what speed one has access... I wrote a comment at the end of the survey, noting the exclusion a binary gender question created and the absence of any "useful" demographics. Then, as i began journalling, i wrote a longer email:

I continue to reflect on what seems to me a problematic construction of the demographic questions as part of the survey.

I worry that digital divide questions about the cost of access to the internet were not reflected. Prompted by the gender question, which seemed irrelevant and problematic in its exclusion of members of our community, i find myself listing questions that i would find helpful in discerning the appropriateness of the use of internet mediated services by the Yearly Meeting Community:

I recognize the value my spouse and i put on our digital tools, and we recognize we are outliers holding down the end of a curve. What is it like to have to go somewhere to get internet access, i wonder, as many get their internet access at the library? How many of the respondents only have access at work, library, or school where access to some sites may be blocked?

Do folks own their own computer? Do they share it in the family? Or is it a personal tool?

If a respondent had to cut costs, would the internet service be a luxury to be cut? Is the service an expense that's bundled with other communications or separate?

What is the quality of the experience, the speed of the service? Are the respondents using dial-up, DSL, a service with cable? If something goes wrong is it a mystery that the respondent has to ask for favors to get resolved? Or is it a problem that the respondent knows how to resolve?

While i could easily engage an a discernment practice around the advertising practices of Google, Facebook, and Twitter and the appropriateness of using such "free" services, my real concern about community use of internet mediated communication is the digital divide.

Most people can take a letter and a book to a quiet, private place to read and reflect. There are some class and ability constraints, but i wonder if there are as many constraints as there are for taking internet-mediated communication to a quiet, private place. If one only has access at a public library or in a break room at work, it is not the same experience as i have at this moment, writing from my bedroom at dawn.

Some of the services in the survey, such as Google Docs, rely on high bandwidth and modern computer memory. What is it like to use those services over dial-up?

Some of the services in the survey, such as Facebook, have not made ADA compliance a priority: how many in our community need screen readers or similar tools to assist in accessing the internet?

I note that for many people with different abilities, computer mediated communication makes translation to different tools possible and opens access to participation, but the design of the particular computer mediated environment becomes a more pointed question. For some people, print materials would require asking for assistance while digital communication is something that would be immediately accessible, just in a different way from the "common" mode.

I do not think there's a simple point to be made here: access to information via digital services both bridges and creates divides of class and ability. I delight in how participation is opened to me because of the ability to time shift, i delight in the sense of connection, i delight in the accessibility of the communication despite my level of health. I recognize, though, that just "getting to the computer" is a very different experience depending on one's work life, financial ability, and physical abilities, and worry that those differences were not addressed in the survey.

3 min to a meeting, gotta go.

Ref: arxiv.org/abs/1007.1750: Cosmological Models with No Big Bang
Tuesday, July 27, 2010
Big Bang Abandoned in New Model of the Universe
A new cosmology successfully explains the accelerating expansion of the universe without dark energy; but only if the universe has no beginning and no end.

--==∞==--

Aptocracy from http://www.googlizationofeverything.com/2010/08/google_and_aptocracy.php

... one of the paradigmatic modern American values: merit conceived as technical competence. America, Walter Kirn writes, is run by "Aptocrats." These are people who excel at regimented procedures such as standardized tests and other forms of numerically quantifiable achievement. They conform to regimented expectations of excellence and clearly see every rung they must ascend on the ladder of success. "As defined by the institutions responsible for spotting and training America's brightest youth, this 'aptitude' is a curious quality," Kirn writes. "It doesn't reflect the knowledge in your head, let alone the wisdom in your soul, but some quotient of promise and raw mental agility thought to be crucial to academic success and, by extension, success in general. All of this makes for a self-fulfilling prophecy. The more aptitude that a young person displays, the more likely it is that she or he will have a chance to win the golden tickets--fine diplomas, elite appointments and so on--that permit you to lead the Aptocratic establishment and set the terms by which it operates."44 Aptocracy, on which Kirn elaborates in his funny memoir, Lost in the Meritocracy: The Undereducation of an Overachiever, rewards a large measure of gumption in addition to its strata of otherwise "fair" technologies of assessment (test scores, diplomas, and certifications)

Google may be the perfect realization of Aptocracy. Google hires the best of the best from America's top university technological programs. Even those who work in marketing and sales must demonstrate aptitude via tests and gamelike interview questions.45 This focus on standardized, predictable tasks as the measure of achievement is ostensibly fair. Success in America no longer depends so heavily on social status, ethnicity, or gender. Those things still matter, and once in a while a stunningly incompetent exception circumvents the Aptocracy and rises to power , as George W. Bush did. But the Aptocracy has transformed America largely for the better over the past forty years. It has also created the environment in which Google could gestate, grow, thrive, and dominate.46

I failed to evaluate my calendar and had the "reading" group last night instead of the list of things to do (or the sitting on the couch). We're finishing with the _Kitchen Table Wisdom_ book for the time being. The book is a collection of short narratives from the authors life as a doctor from a family of doctors and practicing a very compassionate psychotherapy for patients facing death due to cancer. There's a great deal about healing and recovery in the text.

Two weeks ago the story that most captured my thoughts was one about a successful woman who was facing cancer, and her sense that she deserved it due to her ruthless cruel life. Her early years were as a child in a war torn country, viciously fighting to survive, and that fight for survival she'd taken to her business life. The author, Rachel Remen, listened and encouraged the woman to tell and tell and tell all of the horrible things she'd done. In a different frame, this might have been the practice of confession. The emptying opened a way for the woman to eventually see a way to her inner self and feel hope. Remen used a phrase something like, "There are things that can never be fixed that can be healed," which captures the paradox of trauma healing. (That includes grief and loss.) Whatever happened that twists ones experience of life, there's no way to go back and repair that -- but there is hope that one can heal and recover from the trauma.

Last night, as we gathered, we brought up my concept of intellectual violence, to describe how certain communities (academia was where most of us pointed our finger), use intellectual prowess in ways that damage relationships and others. I've not articulated my understanding often: it has mainly been a practice where i have learned to STOP THAT.

One of the group helped me understand better the dynamics that make it specifically violent. There are the obvious places of violence, like the faculty member who only pays attention to a talk to ask that one devastating question, where the intellectual power is a used in a domination display. But there's another disruptive dynamic, where there isn't this obvious power-over dynamic, where one's intellectual power means one just asserts the obvious truth and plows on. That sort of confident projection is invaluable in the environment where you've got Mr Ask Devastating Question (excuse me, Dr), but i've know there's also something wrong with it, and long since learned that the behavior that was missing was listening and creating a space for new (others') insight.

My new understanding has to do with framing the behavior with the concepts of boundaries and privilege. I had always characterized the behavior as "expansive" and projecting, but my friend explained her observations in the sense of boundaries: a person behaving in this way doesn't respect the intellectual boundaries of others. That person acts and behaves as if their intellectual understanding is common to all and doesn't recognize that others may have some other way of understanding. It's not a power-over dynamic, but a dynamic of privilege. And, just as other types of privilege are often invisible to the one holding the privilege, this person, who by native gift and training is often "right," doesn't see how their statements dismiss or negate the experience and understanding of others. It's unintentional violence, just as those of us privileged by society in other ways don't intend to create the experience of violence that those without experience in the presence of the privilege dynamic.

The more i think of it this morning, the more i think the easily lampoon-able intellectual privilege of the physicist*, stands as a helpful model for me to understand the dynamics of privilege in general. The need to actively choose to include the other, to listen, to act with the expectation that others have value -- to not treat the rest of the world as lab techs....

Although i'm probably falling into a familiar trap of hubris, so i'll stop now.

We're moving on to _Plain living: a Quaker path to simplicity_, by Catherine Whitmire. It looks like it will lend itself to the same reading aloud and then sharing practice that we've developed with time.

* because while all academics are trained in the war arts of intellectual battle, physicists are notorious for the discipline's belief that any other field is just the application of the basic principles we've learned, and given five minutes we can master your field, too. And it's true, most of the time. Just look what we did to economics.

PS. Can i learn there is no "d" in "privilege"? There are too many vowels -- ivi, ege -- but there is no D. The constant need to go to the spell checker to get rid of the D reached comic proportions in this post.

I was reading a post about privilege that firecat pointed out, and i was pondering the lack of racial diversity in my life. (This reminds me of how a friend has urged me to think of buying a place in East Palo Alto. That would help. The reasons that's off the table for me are not up for discussion, though.)

Then i realized that there is even less apparent racial diversity in my online life, where the barriers should be lower -- except, of course, for the economic privilege that lets me spend so much time on line, the class privilege i had growing up that encouraged reading and writing as self expression.

My early life was in the Carolinas, where race is binary. I recall with a smile that i was the "white white girl" to some of my classmates. I remember my parents pride at living on a diverse street in Chapel Hill. I still worry that when i was the only white girl invited to a birthday party and i had to go home before it was over, that my hosts might think it was due to race and not to my shyness. (It wasn't the only party i slipped out of as a youngster.)

I remember my first experience of a different view of race when living summers in New Mexico in the late '80s. There, seeing a black and white couple open and comfortable in their expression of coupleness, i was aware by the lack of reaction just how high the barriers were in the southeast. And i also listened to people from New Mexico, one Anglo, one who traced his heritage -- and land -- back to a landgrant from the King of Spain, and heard the prejudice against Native Americans in their expression.

In Philadelphia i was friends with folks who worked around the binary of race i was familiar with (and i'd like to think i grew a little in my awareness of privilege during this time), but my academic life introduced me to a different space of issues around Asia and the Indian subcontinent. There were several Indian students and a Pakistani, whom i remember for their efforts to educate a particularly parochial colleague from New Jersey (who didn't even know North Carolina had a coast line) that Pakistan and India also were in the Northern Hemisphere. (*headdesk*) I learned more about the issues of partition from the Pakistani who new the front lines. I remember the students from east Asia and another Anglo student who gave me a glance that was like a slap when i revealed my ignorance of ethnic and racial differentiation in East Asians. To be honest, i was still coping with the ethnic differentiations of Caucasians in Philadelphia.

Why am i writing this? In part to remind myself of what i am embarrassed about. My friends and colleagues who do not have racial privilege have not had any occasion to talk to me about their experience of their race. Because of that, i've found that when doing work about thinking who is, say, black, in my life, i don't "see" them. And i remember that sick feeling i had when i realized how i mentally create this boundary of Otherness, and the people who i was with on a day to day basis weren't Other, but somehow this mental gymnastic is denying some part of their identity.

Advice, introductions, welcome. Must go to work now.