elainegrey

Well, the onslaught will begin in 15 minutes or so. I left my work laptop on the VPN overnight so it could collect all the email from during my vacation and i could begin triage when i start work. I'm suspecting the 7 am meeting will not happen: it never does. However, on the off chance that today of all days it will, i'll be ready.

I noticed that a ornamental flowering fruit tree had blossomed a gentle pink while i was away the four days. The grey, chill wet day was punctuated by hail, and i wonder how the blossoms survived. There are bright California poppies popping up in fallow margins between sidewalks and streets. This morning the Mt Hamilton camera shows the mountain top graced with snow, evergreen branches flocked and the hillsides as white as the observatory domes.

--==∞==--

The larger 7 am meeting didn't happen, but the European manager did show up and we had a good half hour chat. So, that's probably the best i can ever expect.

Tonight we are off to see Jackson Browne as part of Christine's birthday celebration. I didn't really know much about the musician, so on her birthday proper we watched Jackson Browne: Going Home. This helped me see why Christine called him "The Amy Goodman of Rock and Roll." I asked her who the Bill Moyers of Rock and Roll would be. This morning she woke to suggest maybe Stink or Joe Strummer, Jerry Garcia must be the Charles Kurault. Bob Dillon, she opined, would be the Walter Cronkite.

I'm sure your milage will vary.

Now Michael Stipe is the Bill Moyers.....

--==∞==--

In New Director news, the Wednesday trans-Atlantic director & manager meeting is canceled for this week. I appreciate this much more than a cancel at 6:30 am, too late to keep me from preparing for the 7 am video conference. There's no "critical" agenda item, New Director claims. On the other hand, apparently he "caught it" two weeks ago (remember the car in the parking lot meeting cancel?) over our monthly reports. Last Monday there was a burst of a communication about how he would be giving us a template because it is too hard for him to pull the information out for his report.

Said template is not yet available.

--==∞==--

Wednesday afternoon i will be meeting with the Career Counselor. One of the reflection questions was what was i going to do to keep moving forward. I hope that this investment does help me figure out a good forward for me. The schizophrenic pull towards more management and leadership and pulls towards anything but that is, i'm sure, because the management and leadership is what i know. Fix the broken process, damnit! I found myself daydreaming about giving the as yet unnamed new president a piece of my mind. What if he turned around and offered me New Director's job? The question just hung there in the daydream, and i came up with the questions i would ask back. "Would my position be backfilled?" is the question i remember now. The daydream points to my desire to be recognized as competent and respected, not to my desire to do more of this management stuff at the Whale.

--==∞==--

Frost has continued in the morning, here, but perhaps this morning will simply be heavy dew. The sweet gum tree at the end of the sidewalk has lost many of its leaves now, and the spiked seed balls hang as bird feeders. Over the weekend i noticed a flock of goldfinches pulling seeds out; yesterday morning a junco fed at the tree.

My potato has survived the frost: only the top of the vine has been nipped back by frost. The pimento pepper looks very sad, though, despite being pulled back under the eaves and sheltered by the dropped outer blinds. I think it might drop its leaves, but survive: that should be sufficient for it to be robust next year and produce a bit more fruit. The deck is a mess, though. I've either been sick during rainy weather or busily distracted during cold weather. I look forward to a chance to tidy it.

I'm taking Friday off: that might present an opportunity if we do not go kayaking in Half Moon Bay. The Groupon offer expires in February, but Christine is feeling overwhelmed right now. With today's concert and tomorrow's beginning of classes (and classes Thursday night) i understand the sense of worry. I'm not pressing for the outing, and i suspect i can put the time to pleasant use without an outing. At the very least, i think i might hie myself to Edgewood or into the hills to photograph plants or fungi.

Yesterday morning i paused to look at the avian inhabitants of the water feature. Our building actually has three different bodies of water: on the side i park there are two. One is the building's fountain and pond. This is presumably fresh-ish water. The other is a little finger of the Marina Lagoon. I'm happy to see that my estimates of how much the water dropped and why are correct: http://www.ci.sanmateo.ca.us/index.aspx?NID=1067 .

I was drawn closer to the lagoon finger to see what looked to be a bufflehead, although i had recently confused bufflehead males and hooded merganser males. However, this was definitely a bufflehead male. After getting the best shot i could to make sure i could confirm my identification later, i noticed a female hooded merganser entering area from under the bridge. Their crests are nothing like hoods, more like sails.

Beyond the bridge were more ducks so i went to take a look, luxuriating in the lack of time pressure. There was a brown diving duck: brown head, bright eye, dull beak, dull body. After diving for a bit, it headed towards the end of the little inlet, flattening itself out in the water. Was it sneaking up on the mergansers? The male had joined the female. I watched the mystery duck chase the mergansers around in circles: diving and approaching from underneath, doing the flattened dash across the surface. Flipping through my dreadful photos and the All About Birds list of ducks, i can plausibly accept a male redhead duck as the culprit.

--==∞==--

In "Good Progress on the Situation" news, the career counselor has agreed to see me, huzzah. For the review of my depression medications, the UHC Appointment folks have kinda-sorta found appointments for me, so i'm seeing someone who isn't particularly talented at leaving voice mail messages at 3 pm today. Just looking for a reasonable prescription.

I wish the psychologist i contacted would get back to me, so i could happily leave the therapist, but it's still "the holidays." I fear that psychologist has dropped UHC, too.

--==∞==--

For pleasure, i spent the day (and a good bit of the evening) writing an AppleScript to generate the six-months-to-a-page weekly calendar i use to visualize our work flow. It wasn't entirely necessary, but it is another thing i could post to a revitalized professional blog. It was also delightful to feel the little tingle of a new skill, new tool. I've enjoyed Omnigraffle as a diagramming tool and have been considering buying it for myself. With the added skill of the AppleScript hacking.... Hmm, i can't think of how i might use this skill again except to make maintenance of the calendar more automatic.

Python remains my goal if i am to bring myself up to a reasonable skill set.

--==∞==--

Still sick, still making do with dayquil.

Full moon hidden by the scuttling clouds as i drove Christine to the airport in the early hours. I knew it was precisely the full moon, as i knew a penumbral eclipse was ongoing.

The clouds caused an even greater block of my view of the moon.

Coots were huddled together on the bank of the water feature as i arrived in the rainy predawn gloom.

Rain during the morning. Midday it was clearing so i stepped out for an errand. Rainbows were low to the north east as the low winter sun shone in the blowing rain.

After dark, the bright moon rose again. When i glimpsed it through the blowing clouds i noted the bright companion: Jupiter in conjunction.

--==∞==--

I didn't mean to create suspense: my phone survived the fall just fine.

Today, i am thankful that my off-set commute let me avoid traffic misery. Christine got off with no turbulence or delay, and is safely at her sister's.

I saw the dentist and had my teeth cleaned, then went and had my hair trimmed, and got a manicure (nails buffed, no polish) and pedicure (champagne polish). I'm thankful my parents invested in braces for me, and i'm thankful for my genes that brought me nice hair, hands and feet. I appreciate the ease my conventional appearance provides me, and the gift my mother gave me in not passing on any appearance hangups.

--==∞==--

I do drive myself to distress, getting elevated and triggered. Just the sense of so much not going the way i wish it was leads me to feel triggered. My reporting, my organizing meetings, my responsibilities.... i want to have done a better job. This quarter seems so screwed up. I wish i had someone or something to blame. (We are so deep in code debt.)

--==∞==--

I am pondering that i should work on a development project. My first thought was i should Learn Python. But i think i will use the OO+UML training to design a project i want. Once i have the abstract architecture *maybe* i could code it, but maybe that would be a portfolio project to show off as it is... (and maybe finding someone to do the coding would make for a good engagement project).

20121118 morning: Moss is brightening after these days of rain showers. A rainy weekend doesn't mean continuous grey but showers that move through, interspersed with sun and blue skies. Sunday morning the skies were not the bright clear blue, but the pale blue of high hazy clouds. The bright red sweet gums and bright yellow ginkos have carpets of glowing leaves beneath the branches, leaves knocked free by the light rains.

20121120: watched and photographed a small diving duck, brownish with a very pronounced cheek stripe, and duckling-ish. It would dive for quite a time. Duck beak, not a grebe. Juvenile bufflehead? Cheek stripe is too long. Eventually i'll go get the bird book.

--==∞==--
Hi Wednesday, oh, not quite holiday.

Chiro at 6:15 pm tonight, to which i say, "Wow," at the business willingness of the provider. I remain skeptical about chiro, but with both Christine and PC insisting that it is appropriate care for the lower back issue, i'll go. My PCP's response was not clear: sympathetic but not helpful in my risk management decision process. At this point, out of the acute pain when standing or walking and merely aching, i'll just go with the chiropractic.

Monday i see a podiatrist: there are only so many specialists i can manage in my life at one time.

This morning's reading included a security article that not only had useful tidbits in it, but also had nice thinking-outside-the-Whale triggers. The track of my Silicon Valley career is laid through nonprofit companies designed to preserve and provide access to as much of the world's information as possible (without the Google commercial impetus). So far, the only commercial company that has tweaked my interest is Evernote (essentially, personal archiving tools). I have interests in and around personal data: would getting into a company where i was engaged in design and direction be sufficient to balance startup demands?

Or, let's put it this way, instead of letting myself get stressed out over the sort of corporate organizational shenanigans in which companies over a couple thousand employees engage, why not get stressed out over real things, like whether the business plan is actually going to make payroll in a few months.

I'd rather learn not to stress at all. I laugh as i think of my sister telling me i had Zen Master calmness in the face of the work crap. If this is calm equanimity, i don't want to meet distress.

I suppose i should come up with some Conditions of Enoughness for the holiday.

Doctor says, yes i probably have an infection, but it's viral (thus exhaustion), and the cough is mostly the asthma.

Third EAP therapist is available and uses email and ... is Different. "I have been doing this for N years so i think i'll be able to help you." This just registers as an odd "look at me" signal from my experience of working with "we can work on that" folks. So, back of my mind is going, "If this therapist is so available, maybe they aren't any good!" Ah well, we'll see.

I have a day at Meeting that i will probably cut short like i've been cutting my work days. I'm sick, therefore i will rest, but this event at Meeting is about the community coming together and thinking about its identity and whether it will share outward more actively. Thus, i'll be there.

Maybe i'll just not attend Meeting and Meeting for Business tomorrow.

--==∞==--

Lovely dinner out at a fine restaurant called Flea St Cafe with a friend last night. Christine didn't indulge in the cocktails, Diane had a "Fig and Thyme" brandy & cointreau drink that was wonderfully round with the earthy wonder of fresh fig, i had the "Sage Press" which was the most delightful gin and ginger ale drink in a tall cooler glass, filled with fresh sage.

We started with the cheese tray, then DP & i both had the special heirloom tomato salad sprinkled with huckleberries: an odd sounding combination that worked wonderfully. I had the Vegetarian sampler with a wonderful selection of small servings of separate dishes: a squash ravioli, glazed carrots (that were happily more like parsnips), some fried mushroom thing with an earth savory quality, brocollini, and cranberry beans.

DP & i split the raisin brioche bread pudding (which was more like a fine textured scone) while Christine sipped an espresso.

Just divine!

--==∞==--

It was the first time i'd been out of the house since Tuesday, and we've had a bit of weather come through. The clouds in the afternoon were wonderfully sculpted cumulus with a long dark line over the coastal range. It's brisk! Monday's high was 83; yesterday was 58. I've assembled a space heater we bought on sale in the summer and we are using it for the first time. I felt a little guilt at the power use (it's not *really* could, is it?) but used the remote to turn it on before i got up and then found the kitchen thermometer is reading 60 degrees.

I guess it's reasonable to be heating and not bundling up.

Raining overnight and this morning. I noted the camellia, red geraniums, bottlebrushes, and o still in bloom. The sweet gum at the end of the sidewalk has a sort of confetti coloration as there is little gradation between the red and green. This year's seed structures, bright green spiny balls hang in clusters. From the previous year, spiny balls, black with dampness, still hang on the tree.

The buckeyes still hang green from my favorite tree on the route to work. I noticed a carpet of lush green new growth under the fading tall gold grass at one of the interchanges.

Crossing the street near my office, i observe a flock of men in various tones of blue business shirts in dark slacks -- one in khaki -- crossing the road. Like an add for individualism, an older man with a shaved head wears jeans, a sport coat, and a cream colored shirt: he stands out comfortably and confidently.

The birds are the now familiar gulls, coots, and ducks. In the evening, i note that the channel from the lagoon has dropped in level by about a foot and a half. It's low enough that the concrete terminus of an outflow is above water. Over the years i've noticed the change in levels, and have theorized reasons but this year i've been observing carefully. I think they drop it so there's room for run off.

Robo call from Bill Clinton today.

It was a a grey morning. I could hear the call of a housefinch, robin, and hummingbird as i left for a misty drive with the windshield wiper on intermittent and a crawl along 101.

In a median strip, i noticed rosemary and lavender blooming. Upon closer inspection, as i waited for the light to turn, i noticed a creeping succulent ground cover that had bright pink-red buds. The leaves of daylilly plants were covered with beads of water, like rhinestone encrusted costumes.

The water feature at work had a good sized flock of gulls, a coot, and a grebe. In the distance the telescopic neck of a cormorant lead the point of a V-shaped wake.

When i left home yesterday it was clear, no clouds, not by bay or mountains. Very light dew. We are in a heat wave of sorts. When i left the office at 6:30 i was impressed by the heat i walked into: it was 90 in San Mateo then. There were only three gulls, a duck and two egrets at the water feature, which seemed to be very few, comparatively. It was also quite clear in the evening, not even fog snaking over the hills. October is our best beach month.

--==∞==--

I probably let myself get over-heated on the way home, but i know i wasn't feeling particularly motivated as i left work. I indulged in sugar in the middle of the afternoon: a mistake, i know. This is my addiction. I did have a good dinner when i got home: a black-eyed pea and cucumber salad i'd planned. I didn't do my "conditions of enoughness." I'll try again tonight, particularly with the housework items. My brother will spend the night with us Wednesday & Tuesday night, so i should prep for that disruption.

Learning how to balance is so hard for me.

Meanwhile, i woke this morning to all hell breaking loose at work. The question of drawing the line between work and self time is hard, too. I held back and let others contact me.

--==∞==--

I feel like i am ... different these days. Different from last year. I don't know if i am getting more and more consumed by work or what. Work and crochet? Is my being somewhat at peace with work creating a vacuum that work is then filling? I feel shallow-ish, as if i have no interesting thoughts.

On the other hand, maybe i am redirecting my focus from self examination to actually moving forward, thriving? That would be different! And would i recognize thriving?

Time to get ready for the commute. (Late, actually)

Yesterday work was over by 5 pm, which was a nice change of pace. I came home and started planning a camping trip in October. I've found several campgrounds along a scenic river that have simple car camping sites: no potable water. I'm looking at getting "SteriPEN Adventurer Opti Water Purifier with Solar Charging Case (Item # 807755)" as both a camping kit AND a earthquake preparedness tool. I'm stumped on whether the campgrounds need bear-proof canisters or not. If i buy bearproof canisters and the optipen.... well, camping infrequently sure isn't cost effective! Due to having to be even more careful about food than we need to be in the raccoon populated campgrounds of the coastal range, i'm looking at dehydrated food.

I'm looking forward to the drive and the adventure. I took my sister up into the Sierras for an afternoon about year ago, and it was just glorious. The thought of camping by a river, then junketing into Yosemite, and just getting to bask in the scenery! Oh, so delighted at the thought. If we get an early storm, there might be snow, but perhaps not enough to close access to the high country on 120. Oh! Must but chains on the shopping list.

--==∞==--

Letssee, New Director had to cancel at our regularly scheduled time, but offered a reschedule, and did so by skype so i'd see it when i got to the office. So, he's showing that he's adapting to my timezone difference, at least. I appreciate his adapting.

The meeting was helpful for me in dealing with some of the chaos.

Brief observation notes:

Overcast with dew, hummingbirds & sparrows. Ginkos some bright yellow, some still green.
At work: Gulls, three malards and a coot, with egret in the distance.