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I think that right now
1) i am still in a transition of awareness about ADHD and how that mental architecture makes some things easier (hyperfocus and my understanding of things at work) and other things harder (understanding time, getting out of focus, relational things - apparently, overcoming procrastination). In fact, i've found a whole new way to understand the procrastination that has shaped my life for decades. This has been about a year at this point. In the long run, i think this will give me more skills to handle my goals and desires and more energy (because i will be working with my strengths instead of fighting my weaknesses), but right now i think this is an energy and attention sink.
2) while grief about my mother's and grandmother's death doesn't press against me day to day, the tremor of change across the family is significant. I hold concern for my Dad, hoping he can recover from the double grief that has come on top of the double weights of responsibility and care giving. I'm not sure when addressing the unsustainable situation my grandmother was in with her caregiver began -- i think there was a September meeting with my Dad and sister before a more urgent meeting at Thanksgiving. And that followed the three years of my mother's stroke care needs. The weight of worry has lifted, but replenishing the reserves is still to come. And i do worry about Dad. At least i am learning to say yes to his invitations instead of putting them off.
3) I'm exercising and stretching. Will be rewarded in the long run. Pay now. Ugh. This began , erm, August. 92 days says the bell pepper badge on my phone.
4) Work is introducing a wave of Let's Change and Do New Stuff because New People. That takes capacity. I can't coast at work right now.
5) Yesterday was the first of the mind set changing class which didn't feel in any way toxic or manipulative, but did consume a huge about of energy that was needed for the afternoon.
I write the list to pay attention to #1 and #3 -- new patterns take energy. (And because #1, i need to acknowledge they are more expensive than neurotypicals might find them and it's OK that it's harder for me. Compassion for my self.)
#2 might be a cost that i have, even though i want to believe that with the worry over i have more capacity.
#4 is an uncertainty, and i need to recognize it's going on.
#5 is why i just turned off all yesterday after work and didn't feel unwound even after hours of intentional rest. I'll need to be more careful with next week.
All this to encourage myself to be optimistic and not go to the woe, i have taken on too much with the yard, i can't manage anything other than work and brushing my teeth.
1) i am still in a transition of awareness about ADHD and how that mental architecture makes some things easier (hyperfocus and my understanding of things at work) and other things harder (understanding time, getting out of focus, relational things - apparently, overcoming procrastination). In fact, i've found a whole new way to understand the procrastination that has shaped my life for decades. This has been about a year at this point. In the long run, i think this will give me more skills to handle my goals and desires and more energy (because i will be working with my strengths instead of fighting my weaknesses), but right now i think this is an energy and attention sink.
2) while grief about my mother's and grandmother's death doesn't press against me day to day, the tremor of change across the family is significant. I hold concern for my Dad, hoping he can recover from the double grief that has come on top of the double weights of responsibility and care giving. I'm not sure when addressing the unsustainable situation my grandmother was in with her caregiver began -- i think there was a September meeting with my Dad and sister before a more urgent meeting at Thanksgiving. And that followed the three years of my mother's stroke care needs. The weight of worry has lifted, but replenishing the reserves is still to come. And i do worry about Dad. At least i am learning to say yes to his invitations instead of putting them off.
3) I'm exercising and stretching. Will be rewarded in the long run. Pay now. Ugh. This began , erm, August. 92 days says the bell pepper badge on my phone.
4) Work is introducing a wave of Let's Change and Do New Stuff because New People. That takes capacity. I can't coast at work right now.
5) Yesterday was the first of the mind set changing class which didn't feel in any way toxic or manipulative, but did consume a huge about of energy that was needed for the afternoon.
I write the list to pay attention to #1 and #3 -- new patterns take energy. (And because #1, i need to acknowledge they are more expensive than neurotypicals might find them and it's OK that it's harder for me. Compassion for my self.)
#2 might be a cost that i have, even though i want to believe that with the worry over i have more capacity.
#4 is an uncertainty, and i need to recognize it's going on.
#5 is why i just turned off all yesterday after work and didn't feel unwound even after hours of intentional rest. I'll need to be more careful with next week.
All this to encourage myself to be optimistic and not go to the woe, i have taken on too much with the yard, i can't manage anything other than work and brushing my teeth.
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