elainegrey

Disclaimer: my new year for goals and growth and change starts at the beginning of March because, ugh, darkness.

But happy new year! (Again) Because this is the first day back to work and so on, the year feels restarted even more today.

I celebrate that using strong ("Super-potent Ultra-high") steroids and antibiotics have brought great relief. I am cautiously optimistic, although i look forward to seeing the relief persist in the summer and in the midst of work stress.

I celebrate an insight from therapy that i may be bringing the sense of last year -- emergency on emergency -- to this year with C's upcoming surgery and the trip to Ohio. Instead of interpreting the energy of my colleagues as urgent critical -- thus emergency -- energy, i might try to interpret it as excitement enthusiasm.

Christine and i took a slightly delayed junket to Raleigh for a little more anniversary observation. The Gregg Museum of Art + Design had some powerful exhibits. The "In Search of Thoreau’s Flowers" wasn't as cool as i had hoped, but the cyanotypes on glass with gold gilding -- https://www.leahsobsey.com/thoreaus-flowers -- by Leah Sobsey were wonderful, as were also all the insects and pines that graced the entrance. I suspect my botanical interests wanted more; Christine thought it was great.

I hadn't expected ‘the halls of a changing sea’  and WORDS = POWER to be as moving as they were. WORDS = POWER was probably moving more in a meta-impression: queer and trans focused works up in a state (affiliated) institution stirred hope. ‘the halls of a changing sea’ also was a strong meta resonance with strong connections to plants and soil as well as queer identity. I look forward to experimenting with the soil of this place in my own way. Currently, what i want to do is carve a large chunk of the saprolite, rock so chemically weathered it is almost clay, soft and cuttable, yet still distinctly not clay. I want to set it on a raw log plinth and photography it regularly as it dissolves in the weather.

The museum had not existed when i was at State, but i had helped raise funds for it (as an undergraduate participant in the visual arts committee of the student activities program). As an undergraduate employee i did data entry, with the Avon perfume bottle collection most memorable. They still have them: http://searchgreggcollection.arts.ncsu.edu/mDetail.aspx?rID=1983.004.127a-b&db=objects&dir=GALLERYOFART&osearch=avon&list=res&rname=&rimage=&page=1

We also stopped at the used book store and exchanged a box of books we'd been hauling around, and then went to Krispy Kreme, which no longer has the diner-like counter, which i will always remember due to a poem someone wrote about meeting their best friend Jim Beam at the counter, and the professor Not Getting It. Much memory, very fun.

From oursin:

Grab the nearest book. Turn to page 126 The 6th full sentence is your life in 2026.

Phenology, Theresa M Crimmins "You can do this at your home by tracking daily temperatures and calculating accumulated growing degree days..."

Nifty!

This week was fatigue, cat pee, and all new tires for the car plus an arm long list of things they found while they were looking (and a leg long list Christine said no to).  Christine is striving to manage anxiety about her her physical discomfort/symptoms that are related to her June emergency room visit; just over a month to the surgery to deal with the issue. And i am preparing myself for "oh you won't need an X" to be really "oh you won't need an X permanently, of course you need one for recovery."

Christine and i have such different distrust patterns. Me, i distrust the doctors & nurses to tell you what you need to know because it's obvious to them. I distrust the tire place and suspect them of wanting to deal with things that our regular car place has handled. I distrust customer service because i assume they are measured on completing tickets, not solving problems. I ... could keep going. But i tend to trust that people are generally acting in good faith, that i can share things and it won't come back to hurt me (now that mom is out of the picture). Christine ... well, she used to completely distrust the medical establishment but seemed to get a little better after the stay in the hospital this year. She trusts the car place (and talked me down from my high dudgeon on seeing the list of repairs and refurbishments).

We spent much of the week of Thanksgiving worried about Marlowe not eating. Monday, a week after she'd been to the vet and nothing found amiss,  we got an appetite stimulant and after two treatments she's eating like a champ. And she's back to being a terror to Bruno. And is this why Bruno keeps peeing on beds? So should we go back to gabapentin in her food to chill her out? Which is one possible reason why she quit eating? Ugh. I'm caught up on washing and drying; folding not so much.

The fatigue hit hard on Monday. I am doing better, and recall i should get my vitamin D tested. It's an expected symptom of the ITP that remains even when the platelet counts stay stable. Piffle. I will continue to work with my therapist on the cognitive/emotional challenges and how to get my ADHD mind where i can meet exercise and eating goals. Right now i know i am eating because of the fatigue and it is VERY HARD to convince myself that more food does not equal energy.

Work is a little stressful: i continue to find the exec director levels ... well, to resume a theme, untrustworthy. Am i stupid to not look for other work? My current work is interesting. Most people i work with i like. I think staying is OK, and if i do get dropped one morning, maybe we will be OK with an early retirement? I'd look for new work if that happened, of course, but my hopes are low. But i do not have the ... will to invest in promoting myself so i could land somewhere.

Meanwhile, we are carrying concern for my sister's family, knowing the more regular substitute position starting Friday will be helpful, but yikes. If we don't pay our teachers well, pay for subs is near imaginary.

I just bought from Old House Gardens' end of season sale - https://oldhousegardens.com/ - edible flowers (and vegetable parts) for the garden plot.

Rosalind is a selection of the the H fulva var rosa daylily. I doubt it will be much more red than the double selection "Kwanzo" but i fantasize about having the different colors in salads.

And then i bought two dahlias: Thomas Edison, known to have tasty tubers, and Wisconsin Red (dated from 1910). I'm hoping Wisconsin red, being a less manipulated plant, might have tasty tubers, too.

--== ∞ ==--

Christine had an investment opportunity to discuss yesterday. I asked not about the target itself but how the investment would be handled. She was excited about the opportunity and my questions made her prickle a little. I felt mean for poking at the detail, but id led her to research the third party and it became clear that what one was doing was paying into a pool at party A that would invest in party B. Which is the only way i can think of this really working, and my question was how trustworthy was party A. But it was enough for Christine that party A was involved. I thought party A looked like they had a reasonable track record of existence and might not close up, but the site for the FAQ had a bad TLS certificate and my browser wouldn't let me reach it -- so side eye. We passed on this investment.

--== ∞ ==--

I can't stand the feeling in my chest so i am coughing and clearing my throat.

I had a cold last week with lots of drainage. I have been trying to follow the ENT's advice not to clear my throat or let myself cough but unfortunately went on a walk near a fire on Sunday and the lung irritation is setting in.

I ate cough drops yesterday. Is there a cough suppressant that is OK with wellbutrin? I find cough suppressants creepy and have avoided them for decades. Perhaps they won't leave me feeling weird now. My message to my primary care provider (hopefully after a cut).

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gas can

I could not find the telephoto lens' solar filter last night. Looking for it triggered all sorts of critical thoughts, some at the household for are shared disorganization, some at myself for what is in my control. I think i have mostly corralled all the camera equipment in one box now, so that's a step forward. I did find a mount and little tripod i could take for the cell phone camera. (And since i can use my watch as a remote trigger, that will actually be helpful.)

Christine asked if not finding something was ADHD, and i restrained myself from pointing out how she didn't know where all the kit for the GoPro was, but just observed that we both have a lot of kit and we haven't found places for everything to go. This is where i think both our families of origin didn't help us. My Mom had a magazine level standard for how things should appear but her own ADHD meant there was also chaos . And since she and dad had so much friction, he didn't have spaces where he could model order. Christine's family was more happy with clutter, and Christine is very much a magpie, with so much kit and the many stacks of books.

Months ago i had said to myself taking the SLR would be low priority, so while it resembled an ADHD last minute panic, it wasn't. It was an opportunity to look for all the bits of camera kit and try and get them in one place: more of the ADHD hyperfocus. And the fact i can't find the filters and can't clearly remember my intentions around camera filters is frustrating me no end. Did the solar filter get ruined in an unfortunate cat incident that i have wrapped in layers of self shame and disgust? Or are there filters stashed somewhere safe, and i'll find them in five years when i finally have space for all my kit? I can't imagine WHERE i would find them, but SIGH.

This week was very draining at work, but i did go for two work walks and one walk with Christine and Carrie. By the end of the week i also was using the standing desk. I hope i can pull myself out of the sourness i've had. I do wonder if there was a bounce to euphoria when my coughing stopped and then March was a dip when breathing wasn't a panacea for everything. the gas can

Christine has apparent gastroenteritis with her fever at 100°F last we checked.

I have now worked in the yard! Sunday afternoon and  -- i took time off -- today. The eastern part of the yard, including the mossy glade is raked, letting the moss and the Dichanthelium species native grass get plenty of light and air as we go through this coming week  and unusually warm weather. I've lots of leaves piled in an area that became too much stilt grass and i intend to nuke from orbit -- i mean flame weed-- when the stilt grass begins sprouting. I'll eventually move these leaves back to where we had many trees cut down. Thickening the mulch will be useful as i suspect stilt grass seeds got spread around whit the work.

Today i cut down autumn olive and some sapling sweet gums. I was thinking we'd have our tree guy come cut down three more large-ish sweet gums, but i think we can wait a few years: i think they are short enough that the pines and tulip poplars will be more of a shade issue -- and those stay,

While i was out, i selected a top of a sweet gum to bring inside and decorate with LED fairy lights. Thanks for the encouragement, tamena https://tamena.dreamwidth.org/! It's mesmerizing to watch the lights change colors in waves . Without knowing, i seem to have gotten the right number of lights per branch to have a single color segment on each branch. I'd not been precise, but i decided the shorter branches should have denser lights, which ended up with each branch having a similar number of bulbs. I don't know how i realized that would look  more balanced, but it does.

One  colleague in Ohio was exposed to COVID this weekend, another colleague in Sheffield England has tested positive. It's his third case?   I suppose Christine could have COVID, too, so we'll probably test her tomorrow.

Retreat planning is also taking mental cycles.

I'd hoped that work would settle with Friday's deadline, but the  new director is now all about taking the plan and pulling it apart and reassembling a couple different ways. Fiddlesticks.

On average, it takes more than 2 months before a new behavior becomes automatic — 66 days to be exact. And how long it takes a new habit to form can vary widely depending on the behavior, the person, and the circumstances. In Lally's study, it took anywhere from 18 days to 254 days for people to form a new habit. -- per [here]