elainegrey

Last night, one of our neighbors who is in some health distress, called. She'd blacked out and hit her head and was very disoriented. This had happened earlier this week and Christine had gone over alone. We both went over this time, and ended our visit going off to the 24 hour pharmacy to get some of her prescriptions and some groceries.

Christine and i react so differently to this experience. Christine seems to feel all the pain, while i realized i was coping by dissociating.

The dissociation experience reminds me of a work event many years ago at the Minnow. At the large meeting of department managers, my development colleagues were all upset. I cannot remember what was going on, just that it was during the very stressful database migration time when our RMDB database was not coping with the load of queries and updates and there was a general sense of division between technical & non-technical staff. I remember that several of my colleagues were in tears. The dissociation is one where all the emotions are so completely suppressed -- the emotions, not my emotions! At the end of that work day, i got in the pool at home with Christine watching me, and in that safe space i cried and cried and cried.

I still feel pretty dissociated from last night's assistance. I suspect there's anger at the injustice this woman has experienced with her disabling injury and the long battles to continue to receive care through various workman's comp insurance companies, as those go through bankruptcies and management changes, sympathetic frustration as she expressed her frustration at "being like this" for fourteen years instead of getting a healing treatment that could have put her back to work. There's all the projected fears: what would happen to us if that happened to me? There's the recognition of how this must be for Christine as she thinks about how her mother lived alone for some years before finally needing to be moved somewhere for Alzheimer care. (And to be honest, i suspect i have iced any feelings about Christine's mother's health.)

I acknowledge the dissociation helps me stay functional, but i also know that my functional isn't thriving. Somehow i need to carve a way to feel this in a way i find safe. Christine wants to "debrief" but was distressed last night and focussed on calming and resting.

I don't want to feel this now. I have a call in less than an hour, i'm going to a conference, my mind is abuzz with too many things i oughta have worked out.

I think yesterday was a lovely day here in the Bay Area, but i really can't remember. I chatted with my sister as i drove to work. She was at the zoo on a grey day with her kids while teachers had a work day. I can remember what animals she saw while chatting with me! I know in the afternoon i went downstairs to walk on the treadmill, feeling a little guilty i was not walking outside in the sunshine.

Instead i read a novel that i am not exactly enjoying. It is a continuation of the Honor Harrington universe that i have very much enjoyed in the past, but this book frequently indulges in the technical and political exposition far more than in the novels i've enjoyed. I'll admit to having skimmed over some of the universe-building exposition in the novels i enjoyed, and i'm doing a great deal of skipping and skimming in this novel. I am put in mind of The Silmarillion, in that i recognize the exposition illustrates the detail and depth this universe has. However, i don't find reading Jane's (ship and military analysis) reports independently engaging, i don't want to predict the tactical actions the characters use to escape peril, and i have some issues with the politics of the author. What i have enjoyed so much in the Honor Harrington books is the struggles the characters have to do what is right, with deep codes of personal values, in relationship with jerks, heightened by the risks of life and death engagements. There are not many jerks in this novel, and there isn't a strong main character. (Take complaints about Star Wars Episode One, remove Jar-jar, and magnify.)

The good thing about this novel is i can put it down, i do NOT want to stay up late reading it! So, i keep poking at it when i need a diversion.

And i read it when i came home, hoping it would provide a nice break from the day, and that i would then feel energized to work on the presentation i'm giving early this morning. Instead, i just wanted to go to bed early. Not so much a fault of the book, but of reclining to read.

I set the sleep monitor again, knowing Christine was not going to sleep yet. The motion monitor didn't show any evidence of the coming and going that occurred: it's not going to be useful for me.

We've neighbor care on our minds: our next door neighbor had foot surgery and needs a "babysitter" and an older neighbor with a chronic pain disability needs some help. It's been on my mind for months and months that we should have her over or take her food or what not, but energies don't match. For one, the woman is a night owl, and i am not.

Speaking of which, i must go to work. Looks like an east coast-ish day for me.

Is anyone using a fitbit?

http://www.amazon.com/Fitbit-Wireless-Activity-Sleep-Tracker/dp/B005PUONIK/ref=sr_1_15?ie=UTF8&qid=1327344464&sr=8-15

I "need" to record pedometer output for $50 discount off health insurance this quarter (grumble). I'm looking at a $20 pedometer on Amazon that appears sufficient and easy to use (ie: does not need to be clipped at waist), but i'm wondering if there's a cooler toy out there. I bought a heart rate monitor watch ages ago and found it hard to use, so i'm interested in gadgets that can be managed externally. (However, a simple pedometer should have minimal twiddling, right?)

Fitbit looks fascinating: bit pedometer & sleep sensor with wireless data upload. At $100 it's definitely overspending my need.

I looked at phone pedometers: it's not clear how well they work for all day recording.

I saw the polar+ transmitter for heart rate measurement: not particularly a goal of mine, and it's not a pedometer. Apparently the android heart rate ap doesn't suck.

http://lifehacker.com/5823363/turn-your-android-phone-into-a-personal-trainer
http://www.brighthub.com/mobile/google-android/articles/105748.aspx

Yesterday i observed both birth and death: a brunch to belatedly toast Christine's new trip around the sun and a memorial meeting for worship for a woman of our Meeting. In listening to the shared narratives about the remarkable woman and doing some math, i realize the stories shared were all of a her life when she was older than i am old.

I should very much like to pull free of the work stress and focus and be able share the self that has been shaped by all that stress. Christine, feeling some solidity under her these days, wants much to offer me some of the support i've been providing. I know the career route she's taking -- teaching GIS -- is likely to be a seasonal labor, thanks to you friends on here who share how you piece livelihoods together from multiple schools. That may be sufficient balance to however a third career might unfold for me.

--==∞==--

I'm sure if i were to focus i would be more delighted with what i could create, but i do enjoy experimentation so much. Christine is experimenting with simple woodworking, and so we've both been investing in the Dremel. I used an Amazon gift certificate to buy a stand for it, and Christine's drilling pilot holes in oak as part of her footrest project (for playing mandola). I am imagining projects for myself. Once upon a time i tried drilling seashells and gave up, but there are documented Dremel seashell drilling projects. I probably just need the correct bit.



I'm continuing to experiment with the new camera, as well. I had become so familiar with our point and shoot, and i know how to use ASM modes on my SLR: the point and shoot options ("scenes") on the new camera puzzle me. A little surfing, and i suspect that there's no extra magic there. Macro mode probably sets a narrow depth of field and so on. I suspect what i should really take the time to learn about are the different ways to set the light meter.

--==∞==--

I hope to be industrious this Sunday. I think if i were to work on presentations for work that would be an engaging yet time consuming project that i could do on a Sunday afternoon to free me for the yams during the scheduled work week. I could interrupt myself for some household chores that are stacking up around us.

Yule decorations are not likely to come down yet. I'm thinking Candlemas would be a good target for decor removal.

I'm chilled. I guess it's 60 in the house. Mr M has glommed on to me so that's a warm snuggle, at least.

I binged on Christine's Oreos. Whoops. The beet orange pecan salad was divine, but then i gave in to a little temptation and then - binge.

I've been a work blur for days.


I miss you all.

I feel i should be "down" today in protest against the US laws SOPA/PIPA being considered in Congress. I've deactivated my twitter and facebook accounts, for what it is worth.

Three copyright-related bills are currently in play at the start of 2012 – all of which take aim at any website beyond U.S. borders that distribute counterfeit or copyright infringing products. All three bills operate under the assumption that there is a problem that needs to be solved – and the best, or only, way to combat online infringement overseas is with more law targeted at foreign websites. These bills have the potential to negatively impact fundamental library principles. The following chart is for quick reference (not meant to be comprehensive), and outlines the primary issues and concerns of interest to the library community and those who use the Internet.

--http://www.districtdispatch.org/wp-content/uploads/2012/01/ALA_pipasopaopen_ref_guide.pdf

I note one of the effects of the proposed laws is to encourage payment processors to cut off support to the identified websites. I'm not entirely sure what "encourage" means, but i don't like it. Dreamwidth's struggle to find a payment processor that will do business with a company that does not restrict content beyond "must be legal" indicates to me that the government need not get into the encouraging business; it appears that's happening without any law with some "chilling effects."

Google's blackout of its logo is nice, although i wonder what would happen if they didn't show advertisements for 12 hours during peak US surfing hours to US IP addresses. Clearly, shareholders interests might be threatened, she sneered.

I appear to have lost my wallet, primarily a loss of my driver's license, the wallet itself, $15, and my health care card. I am pretty sure there were other cards in there too, but my debit card was in my hands to buy gas when i last saw my wallet, and i still have that. My credit card and a stack of all my store cards/library cards and my card for the flex spending are all in a ziplock back where i stashed them before going to Ohio in December. What else would i have taken with me to Ohio? Debit card, Driver's license, medical insurance card.... Maybe the paper Better World Club card?

I've made an appointment at the DMV to get a duplicate card. I hope that i will not have a hassle when renting a car with the temporary. I wonder about flying. I suppose i have my passport.

I am rather delighted at the small scope of my loss. I know the papers about "contact in case of an emergency" were inside, so if it's found someone can contact those numbers.

Yoiks! It was a Levenger wallet, so i went there to look for a replacement. This REI replacement looks less painful http://www.rei.com/product/805255/rei-aubrey-wallet-womens and then i can wait for a Levenger Wallet that seems just right to show up on eBay.

Yesterday's Meeting for Business ended a little earlier than i expected, so i felt like we had time to head off somewhere for our walk. We went across the bay to another bit of marshland, and perhaps we really could have just gone to a familiar trail and saved gas and time. Another couple approached me on the trail, and one began, "This is our first visit here..."

"Ours too," i responded. They were from San Francisco and normally bird in Marin; we both admitted to arriving at the Don Edwards NWR on a whim. "It's all the same birds," my interlocutor bemoaned, and -- yes.

Still, new and different trails. I got to play with the extremely nice photo kit that Christine has assembled for me year after year: lens, body, monopod, software. Results were some pleasant photos:



Other Photos

Yesterday i was near giddy with how well i felt. I actually walked on the treadmill at a 5% incline for half a mile as a quick break when a meeting ran short. I did not use the evening for anything productive but watched an Inspector Lewis mystery with Christine.

Overnight, though, i woke due to joint pain in my shoulders. I took aleve and doans and eventually fell back to sleep. I don't think there's inflammation, and i didn't *do* anything. I do wonder if i am too heavy for my frame: so, there's that.

I've slept late this morning, and then as i sorted through email and such i was briefly tempted to engage in Google+. But the Nymwars have not resolved, i remind myself. And is there a way to share flikr photos on G+, or would i have to load them in Google's storage (which i'm not certain i will do)?

Here's hoping for next week to be "normal": healthy, less intense at work, and with the capacity to take on some of the more significant backlog tasks.