elainegrey: Inspired by Grypping/gripping beast styles from Nordic cultures (Default)
Thursday, October 22nd, 2020 06:09 am
Daily journaler is seeking other daily journalers. I'm looking for other diarists that share some aspect of their daily life, whether it's limited to a narrow aspect of creativity or concern or is wide ranging. The diarist should be open to reading my entries and ideally is already reading the entries of folks in my circle.

ETA: Diarist should have high tolerance for typos.
elainegrey: Inspired by Grypping/gripping beast styles from Nordic cultures (Default)
Thursday, October 30th, 2014 07:51 am
Intense week with
* crisis circus going on with work,
* my review in weird limbo,
* reorganization still mysterious (two more weeks, perhaps),
* attendance at a tech conference with an unpleasant undercurrent (field prominent woman co-organizer being trolled for raising issues of diversity),
* Christine's elephants and mental health causing her distress,
* a certain amount of gastrointestinal distress
and that's probably enough. Top of mind, at least.

The good news is i think i'm still "on top" of various responsibilities: i don't feel like there's a looming overwhelming wave of things put off due to the conference. This is evidence -- attention, attention! -- of a certain amount of resiliance and capacity! Celebrate!

Christine is carrying a great deal of worry on my account as i shared the details of various worry around the top three bullets. It seemed important to let her know what was going on, yet sometimes i wonder if i externalize my emotional response to things to her. Is that possible? For a partner in a couple to carry all the grief and ache in order that the other can be strong? How could that work? If this happens -- if i really am relying on her to feel the negative feelings -- i need to stop it. She has enough on her plate.

I have some thoughts about a person whom i will call Boundary Woman, whom i met at the conference. She's interesting, intriguing, yet stands on her boundary with a bristling, ungenerous, angry stance. Is it posible to be graceful in defining one's boundary, graceful in the face of microagressions? I think what i found horrible was the gossipy way she included me in identifying others who committed microagressions and simple rudnesses. I'm sure it is in a defensive posture, to ask for support, but it seemed less that as she regaled me with the stories of this and that persons rudeness. I suppose she wanted backup: yes, you experienced a rudness and yes, it is OK to ask a person to finish chewing before talking to you, but she wasn't framing it as a sharing because she wanted a little support.


Anyhow, on to the last day of the conference.
elainegrey: Inspired by Grypping/gripping beast styles from Nordic cultures (Default)
Friday, October 24th, 2014 06:48 am
I've not been journaling as much as is good for me ... why? Partly i think i'm a bit behind on sleep so i am sleeping a little later, partly because I'm needed a little more in the morning to support Christine as waves of anxiety or sadness pass over her on waking. I do feel i'm doing caretaking in a way that is beyond what i've done in the past (although i think there were depressions where i was the one being cared for in a comparable way).
elainegrey: Inspired by Grypping/gripping beast styles from Nordic cultures (Default)
Sunday, October 19th, 2014 11:53 am
It was a demanding week to get to the Sunday install -- and we found a problem and had to roll back. I'm letting it go, in favor of trying to live lightly around one of Christine's elephants. In her worries, i know my over/work features highly.

I'm trying not to dwell on the "and next week i get to do it again."

Any news of a change in my role is still three weeks off.

Yesterday i made sautéd turnip greens for lunch: i'm happy it's greens season again, even if tomatoes are fading. I've a large batch of Tuscan kale: i may try kale chips. We've two winter squashes awaiting soup making. I suspect pressure cooking would be excellent for them, so i have ordered a replacement pressure cooker. The $10 yardsale cooker died some months back from abuse in the dishwasher. I spent a good deal of time shopping and trying to decide on which one. The inexpensive replacement of the abused one? The electric slow/pressure/rice cooker? The super-duper conventional one? I decided that the electric one with all the controlls was far more likely to experience a failure. The superduper conventional one will, i hope, last a very long time, especially if i take better care of the lid.

I've binge-watched Haven and read the Northworld Trilogy by David Drake.
elainegrey: Inspired by Grypping/gripping beast styles from Nordic cultures (Default)
Monday, October 13th, 2014 06:47 am
Yesterday, much Meeting work from first thing in the morning (preparing food) to finishing cleanup at Meeting at 3. The yellow corn tortillas with egg salad were well consumed, and my fear of making disappointing food was alleved.

In worship i am spending time reflecting on practice and play and releasing results. I have few credos, but i believe results of one's efforts are, in general, a mystery. We learn and develop skills at getting along with people and many other things. Learning and developing skills can be accomplished through practice and/or play. But then there's the outcome of the efforts. It appears that there is a broad history where the wise acknowledge that one needs to release attachment to outcome, one needs to recognize what one cannot change.

If play is a very effective way to learn -- is part of it because the attachment to outcome is released at the beginning? Is it because there is an acknowledgement that mistakes will be made? Is it because it is a safe place to make mistakes?

I'm teased by a potential insight that the joy in play (not fun, but joy) could be tied to not being stressed out by the potential outcome of what is being practiced.

I ponder that play gets a bad name because someone playing implies that the person isn't going to take care to attend to the outcome.

Is there a space that can be created where we bring the sense of play yet remain aware of responsibility?

The word that just came to mind was generosity: to create that space for play, the creators of that space need to have the resources to be generous.

To make concrete, i'm thinking of the narrative i read yesterday about how "There was a train wreck at the 2014 Women in Computing Grace Hopper Celebration (#GHC)."

For the men who gave the keynote, who said things like "women should just speak up like the men do" and "women should not ask for raises but trust karma," i frame them as practicing at being allies and making very visible mistakes. This is not a place to play.

I'm reflecting, too, that play can go terribly wrong. Those playing-to-learn need guidance (coaching?).

I'm not clear here.

There's some tantalizing idea that's just out of reach, some paradoxical way of being where one is able to take risks and experience joy because of being in the frame of play while still being responsible and caring. I think the crux of this paradox is in some sort of surrendering of attachment to outcome, while yet remaining aware and responsible for outcome.
elainegrey: Inspired by Grypping/gripping beast styles from Nordic cultures (Default)
Sunday, October 12th, 2014 09:12 am
Christine's new treatment was horrible, and she may still be suffering the withdrawal from quitting last week on Tuesday. New diagnosis is thrown away. I think one significant elephant has been addressed, which is good. Her mother, though, has been assessed as appropriate for hospice.

My Grandmámá is reportedly failing. trigger warning for off-hand discussion of suicide & lousy family dynamics ) They were driving home from Florida, so i couldn't really chat with Dad to get a slightly more reliable story. I did hear that Grandmámá's third husband (presumably under the influence of Fox news) proclaimed that we need to fix voting so only property owners get to vote. Dad's response was to be even more outrageous, culminating with alumni from his alma mater get three votes.

Yesterday was lovely, although not as productive as i would have liked. I did spend a great deal of time mucking in the garden. I repotted our heavily pruned sequoia, sifted through the potato bin to find few potatoes (and the remnants mostly sprouting). I created a larger worm bin and found that we do indeed still have wriggly worms in the bin. The larger bin was filled with trimmings from the cat nip, borage, and various other plants. The plants in the broken pot are still in the broken pot, but my legs are aching this morning, so i think i got enough exercise.

We also walked in the night: there are new diode street lamps on our night time walk route. Fascinating patterns are made as the light dapples through the leaves, and the moon was lovely company.

This morning was a great deal of food prep. I think i made some miserable egg salad (too much onion? more salt?) and miserable sandwiches of the salad between yellow corn tortillas. Well, it's edible. And i couldn't have ruined celery sticks and pepper strips.

So, healthy and well, although family news is mostly not good shading to quite sad. When Christine and i speculate when we might travel east, the uncertainty of funeral travel hangs over it all.
elainegrey: Inspired by Grypping/gripping beast styles from Nordic cultures (Default)
Sunday, October 5th, 2014 07:24 am
Last night i was watching Foyle's War (Sunflower) in which one of the characters is a newly elected Labour Party MP from Peckham just post WWII. The MP is ... employed? ... to a Minister (of ... the Air Force?)

So Wikipedia has cleared up for me that, unlike in the US, the position of Minister of whatever is likely an elected official who is then appointed to do something as opposed to a political appointee. Thus, i guess a Minster of whatever would then pull in junior members of their own party to fetch and carry?

If someone can point me on the right way (magic search terms?) for a general audience description of how that works, i'd appreciate it. My general search terms just net news articles.



A personal meditation of social geography, the definition of nature, replete with academic jargon and footnotes. I think a number of you would like to skim it, particularly [livejournal.com profile] auntysocial (the photography, the awareness of the street landscape) and [livejournal.com profile] gurdonark (the affirmation of nature in the suburban context).


Between yesterday's reflections and my meeting with team members to check on how they were doing in thinking about the reorganization of our division, i have to consider a bit about integrity. Several team members were surprised at New Director's lay-off (and were worried that more lay-offs for cost cutting were to come).

My two newer staff members were not surprised. One had considered a job opening that would have reported to New Director and had talked to people at the company before considering the job, and, based on what they heard, dismissed the job. The other had been reporting to New Director. That team member's response was a bit like mine: it's about time. My current boss and the newer staff were surprised at my team's surprise: i had insulated my team as much as i could from the New Director's vagaries and incompetence, and clearly had reserved critical (sarcastic, snide) comment for sharing with others.

I think that was right action, but was it a lie of omission? I let HR know what i thought of him, i certainly let him know of things where i felt he was failing to follow through with me (all the missed meetings, etc). Where i could provide information that might lead to positive change, i did speak up. I don't think my team could have done much, and there we were, saddled with his visits where he'd be out here for a week and would see him just for a few hours here and there.

Talking to team members last week i simply let them know that he would promise to do things and he didn't, that his inability to follow through was a well known issue in Dublin, to the point of being a joke.
elainegrey: Inspired by Grypping/gripping beast styles from Nordic cultures (Default)
Saturday, October 4th, 2014 02:17 pm
Meeting has a form for "final affairs" and i started filling it out. When asked for special instructions, i realized i wanted my Elaine Grey community and my other communities to be able to come together at the time of a memorial. I pondered the virtual where of a digital memorial and i realized that a dreamwidth post is what i would prefer.

If i request that, however, how do i address issues of privacy with respect to this journal? This is what i've written up for now.

Have other folks done similar things? Anyone know of good practices that have been established? I don't think i have any protected entries with comments that the author may be concerned about protecting: do you think you've left such comments?

What to do with my journal in case of my death )
elainegrey: Inspired by Grypping/gripping beast styles from Nordic cultures (Default)
Sunday, September 28th, 2014 05:05 pm
I saw an article about nutrient cycling in Chinese karst landscapes this morning, and that vividly brought to mind a trip to the Everglades when i was in my teens. My dad grew up in the glades, roamed them (possibly poached in them) and he shared his connection with that landscape with me. I remember walking out into the sawgrass to look down at the river slowly flowing under our feet.

This 1943 image from John Henry David is nothing stellar, but reminds me of the walk (State Archives of Florida,/Florida Memory/, http://floridamemory.com/items/show/125418). Now it seems oolite as a name is out of favor, and if you search for Miami oolite, you are just as likely to find images of a bar than of the landscape.

I wonder about visiting the glades again.
elainegrey: Inspired by Grypping/gripping beast styles from Nordic cultures (Default)
Monday, September 22nd, 2014 06:31 am
Have to go in early today for a meeting about the re-org, and the hives are back. At least i know my antihistamine friends.

And the Benadryl and other one didn't make me particularly woosy, so i'll just nuke away.

I do have that sense of heightened irritation.

Meanwhile, the psychiatrist called back and is all set to see Christine. He'll only see one of us, so i'm back in the health care lottery.
elainegrey: Inspired by Grypping/gripping beast styles from Nordic cultures (Default)
Saturday, September 20th, 2014 07:14 am
Let's see: hives are gone. Around 11 am the itching was beginning up again, so i called off work, took a claritin, and called the doctor. Actually Christine called the doctor. I was feeling a bit befuddled about what to do.

Saw the same internist who went after my cough and cold with a sledge hammer, she did the same with the hives. (No steroids, too soon after the last.) Next time i'll know what to do -- which seems to be essentially what i did but with More Antihistamines. She proscribed benedryl and a subscription antihistamine that the pharmacist said was close to zyrtec: zyxal. I can't take that sequence of letters very seriously. Z Y X? Should be zyxab. And the inverted molecule should be baxyz.

I probably didn't NEED to call off work, but work was pretty intense this week and i had a dental visit planned for the afternoon as well. After the dentist i bumped into an opportunity to do a good deed, something i wouldn't normally have felt ease in addressing. I was happy not to have an excuse, sad that the good deed was available, and was rewarded with a hug. Normally i would have had to return to the work trance, and i would have forgotten the opportunity or missed my chance.

I'm volunteering at the registration desk for the Native plant society horticultural workshop: this is networking. Off i go.
elainegrey: Inspired by Grypping/gripping beast styles from Nordic cultures (Default)
Friday, September 19th, 2014 07:03 am
complaints )

When was iOS 8 announced? I just heard about folks having trouble downloading it. Just curious: how big is this rock i'm under?
elainegrey: Inspired by Grypping/gripping beast styles from Nordic cultures (Default)
Thursday, September 18th, 2014 06:12 am
Christine seems to have a handle on the elephants these days, but her depression persists. I had so hoped that it was triggered by elephants. Or maybe the elephants still trigger it, but the depression is compartmentalized more.

In good family news, my sister's family has had an offer on a house accepted, and she has a part time job with her husbands company. She points out my parents are doing "better;" i've heard that so many times over the years that i can't control my eye rolling. I pointed out the cyclic nature of their behavior: they are in the good part.

I really really miss the prednisone. I didn't have the crash of losing the sense of well being (since i continured coughing), but the discomforts are coming back.
elainegrey: Inspired by Grypping/gripping beast styles from Nordic cultures (Default)
Wednesday, September 17th, 2014 07:45 pm
Hi internet. I have had a DAY. Also, one really dark porter and a chipolte margarita.

But a DAY. Which was supposed to start early but started EVEN EARLIER. And then i spent four hours discussing identity management and the intenet of things with a small group of identity wonks.

Also, the "let's replace passwords with smart phones because everyone has one" discussion had me scribbling WAY PRIVLEDGE in my notes and circling it with red and orange highlighter flames.

Also, the 7 am it's [my team]'s fault the preproduction testing system is down reville? Not only not my team's fault but also, we troubleshot somebody elses software.


But the Chipoltle Magarita with tamarind, WOW.

Also, i had sweet potato fries for desert.

I will now see if i can find out what has been happening on the internet and with your lives. Missed you!
elainegrey: Inspired by Grypping/gripping beast styles from Nordic cultures (Default)
Monday, September 15th, 2014 05:53 am
Timestamp 5:53 am

Ha, the Sustainability MOOC i'm taking may have crashed someone's webserver. The case study for this week is down. I read it last night: it describes transitions between types of property rights as tied to evolution of agriculture. It was interesting in light of some thoughts i had when reading about the ... Cambodian? rubber plantations.

--==∞==-- Time passes. --==∞==--

3:59 pm Wow, that day sped by...

4:50 pm and keeps on doing so.

Query: Are there concerns i may ask another to carry for me?

Christine is carrying many of our household concerns. I don't think there's anything more to ask her to carry.

My dad is carrying the concern about my mother. I'm letting that go for a while.

Not sure there are any work concerns that i don't already try to delegate. Just today i asked the architect to lead in one important area - hoping he will. I'm letting my boss carry the worries about the coming reorg and the new CTO's leadership. (Not impressed that the CTO hasn't met with the release management group.)

I'm trying to let go of concerns about Meeting. My role now should be taking on other's concerns (and helping the clerk lead the community in addressing them), not generating my own.

I know others are carrying my health as a concern. I probably need to take more responsibility for that, myself.
elainegrey: Inspired by Grypping/gripping beast styles from Nordic cultures (Default)
Sunday, September 14th, 2014 07:47 am
I felt at the beginning of last week that i needed a reboot, and from Friday evening to late last night i rebooted, reading straight through the last three books in Nathan Lowell's Trader’s Tales from The Golden Age of the Solar Clipper. I read the first three back when i was exercising regularly and tearing up my Achillies tendon: my enjoyment of the stories was motivational.

I may go back to reading and walking. Listening and walking is well and good, but listening takes so long.

May i note these would be great stories for children of an impressionable age in order to inculcate the value of keeping things tidy and clean. The number of times the character puts the dishes into the dishwasher is remarkable:

He took his empties and slotted them in the cleaner before heading back to his watch. ...The chief followed me, slotting her dishes into the cleaner. I got up and slotted the dirties out of habit before pulling a fresh mug of coffee from the urn. I slotted my cup into the cleaner. I slotted my dirty dishes in the cleaner... I downed the tail of my coffee and slotted the dirty cup...

Cleaning ships figures prominently in the plots of two of the three books.

As i spent the day reclining in bed lost in the author's world -- oh, right all the working out, too -- there was a little voice aware of ALL THE HOUSEWORK that i was not doing.

Nonetheless, i feel rebooted from the week and the previous months. Beyond seeing everything in my home as a chance for Ishmael Wang to demonstrate leadership and pride by doing a massive scrubbing, i feel clear.

Now to start my day, picking up all the plates i was juggling in an intentional and balanced way.

Biggest concern is probably getting an doctor's appointment soon: the coughing isn't easing. Oh, how i would love another course of prednisone: the itchies attacked me last night. I won't get the course, i expect, but i can wish.

In reading notes, i also finished After We Kill You, We Will Welcome You Back as Honored Guests: Unembedded in Afghanistan by Ted Rall, which i found engaging and useful, but certainly has a political bias. I'm also back to reading the poems in Honeybee: Poems & Short Prose" by Naomi Shiha Nye.
elainegrey: Inspired by Grypping/gripping beast styles from Nordic cultures (Default)
Thursday, September 11th, 2014 06:52 am
This article about land activists in Cambodia fighting over traditionally held land that is being transferred to corporate plantations reminds me that not only is there injustice but a huge risk in monoculture plantations.

Our global supply of rubber is at risk. We just need one person who has walked around in the South American tropical forests which are where rubber trees are native to then decide to traipse around in the tropical Asian areas of the rubber plantations. Say, a birder. And this birder's shoes and jacket are spores of the co-evolved diseases that keep rubber tree plantations from succeeding in South America. And since the rubber plantations in tropical Asia are dense monocultures, a disease can spread like an epidemic....

Lots of rubber used in the transportation industry. Might reduce CO2 emissions. Although there must be some carbon sunk into those rubber tree plantations.

(Pondering the ecoterrorist approach to the land grabs in Cambodia.)
elainegrey: Inspired by Grypping/gripping beast styles from Nordic cultures (Default)
Wednesday, September 10th, 2014 11:23 am
Ten Things that Make Me Happy:

1. Watching Edward sleep on the bed with a feline expression of bliss.
2. Doing small garden caring tasks: watering, inspecting leaves, pruning, hunting for ripe fruits.
3. Reading a variety of web comics
4. My morning hummm with Christine where we literally become in tune with each other.
5. Wandering in the woods.
6. Wandering on the beach.
7. Wandering in the wetlands.
8. Talking with my sister.
9. Checking out the birds around where i work.
10. Attending many (but not all) Friends committee meetings.
elainegrey: Inspired by Grypping/gripping beast styles from Nordic cultures (Default)
Tuesday, September 9th, 2014 04:29 pm
I read "CLASP-mediated cortical microtubule organization guides PIN polarization axis" and recognize i have a long way to go in the botany comprehension space.

elainegrey: Inspired by Grypping/gripping beast styles from Nordic cultures (Default)
Tuesday, September 9th, 2014 05:58 am
For the bird lovers out there, this NSF article about swallow research in the Americas may be inspiring. Here is the map that shows where the nine species of the genus live.


Thanks everyone for the support during the long summer cold. I'm still not at 100%, and my sister is urging a follow up. I've been keeping a log of sorts, and i'll probably email that to the doctor sooner or later.

I know i was down for the past few days: i can't tell, but maybe the emotional tide has turned this morning. I'm feeling much more ease in getting some emails done.