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(weather, therapy notes)

elainegrey: Inspired by Grypping/gripping beast styles from Nordic cultures (Default)
Tuesday, January 20th, 2026 07:59 pm

So weather is forecast this weekend, and by weather i mean DOOM SNOW for North Carolina. Because 3 inches is end of world, what is 12 inches? And then an inch of winter mix on top?

So i'm looking at the weather and my Sunday evening flight out of RDU through Charlotte and i'm just certain, that ain't gonna work.  And i'm just dreading the chaos. (And then i begin thinking of Christine and her surgery recovery and snow and....) So, as i churn, i asked my colleague if he could change the schedule so Monday isn't so important for my presence.  It turns out there's something called a weather waiver where airlines give you a chance to reschedule your travel instead of waiting for your flight to be delayed. I figured i would have to wait until Thursday before there would be a chance to change.

But no. I got the email this afternoon that my flight would be impacted. I've rescheduled for a midday Monday departure, a long layover in Chicago O'Hare/Orchard Field, then on to Columbus landing at 7 pm. That is far more relaxed.

So, tomorrow is grocery day, and i think we need a dump run so i can do that lifting, and then i need to wrap the well with heating tape (the next days are sub freezing and i just want to make sure things are prepared for Christine on the off chance the pump freezes). Oh, we need to keep the  water filtration system from freezing too. And i guess moving the generator and trying to start it..... And check the weight of the salt to make sure it's in a range she can lift.

--== ∞ ==--

I'm a little drained from therapy. I'm realizing i didn't have any reassurance, "Don't worry, it will be OK" growing up and i need to hear that from my inner mother more. I lean a lot on my faith: believing  that i only see a small part of all the things and i might not ever see t that i am helping the world be better place. But there's something different about the "Am i doing it right?" i constantly feel with respect to ... everything. And maybe giving myself reassurance more will help.

And this snow event and travel: 100% waves of am i doing it right, how do i make sure it's going to be OK, ....

--== ∞ ==--

Waffles with yarden blueberries for dinner! Maybe not weight wise, but yum.

( all the airports American Airlines is worried about weather )

Tags:

(therapy notes, M-s cycle, ADHD, health, shed)

elainegrey: Inspired by Grypping/gripping beast styles from Nordic cultures (Default)
Monday, May 12th, 2025 07:25 pm

Today's platelet count consistent with last week's well within normal reading; hematologist suggests waiting two weeks for the next draw.

Today's therapy was useful. We've been discussing a cycle of how a certain amount of "anxiety" or "urgency" is motivational -- it produces a boost of energy to address things. At a certain point, though, there's a tip: maybe the task/project becomes intimidating and instead one is boosted into something else:  maybe it's proximate work (and one can steer back to the goal). Maybe other irrelevant work to distraction. And then the overshoot of energy can lead to frustration, that becomes paralysis, and then depression.

We talked a little about my feelings about my aspiration/goals (handwave at yard, point at gap in woods for shed), and why i think i should be more productive than i am.

I acknowledged that it's not just this health issue that has kept me from making headway: so many things in life can derail my sense of forward momentum, whether travel or family visits or work crisis/project or Trees Falling On Fences. And i know that i cycle between balance and feeling like all the threads are being pulled through my fingers, burning raw spots. Just. Keep. Going. Some of the times i have been very productive have also not been balanced, too, and relationships and other things were neglected.

We talked about the tiny little bit of progress i made on the shed, the reasons the shed is important, and then M-- was able to poke at one of the stuck pieces.

Developing a relationship with a contractor is intimidating because of the need for trust, but also because of the question of the person working closely with us and needing to be accepting of us. The trust is more than merely will they do the work: it's also, will we be comfortable with them working here, will we feel like we can address challenges, etc. There's something deeply emotional and challenging for me in this relationship bit.

Speaking of relationships: i feel like i am connecting more with M--, too, and that she's hearing more and mapping my state of being. I like having the cycle as a framework for examining frustrations.

Tags:

(random, therapy notes, exercise, night watch, morning watch, sky

elainegrey: Inspired by Grypping/gripping beast styles from Nordic cultures (Default)
Wednesday, December 20th, 2023 07:16 am

Christine's daily haiku/imagery/composition for Dec 19 has a bit of the season to it: https://17sounds.substack.com/p/the-ends-of-the-world A bit of bells in the soundtrack?

Last night, the first quarter moon sparkled through the trees to the south west. Today is the last cloudless day in the forecast -- tonight i will try and give the moon a bit more time since its likely the waxing moon will be behind clouds for the rest of the week. Cassiopea high during my evening moments under the night sky, the big dipper during the early morning moments.

--== ∞ ==--

The AbleTo Resilience program has an exercise of journaling several times a week "To express and narrate your experience, your fears and hopes for the future, and your values." There are some prompts, one of which is,  "The main internal strengths I have are... The main external strengths I have are..."

I am not really sure what internal and external strengths are? Searching a bit turns up SWOT (Strength - Weakness - Opportunity -Threat) analysis, which i don't think is the point?    Unless i interpret "external strength" as an opportunity?  Finally,  the article cited below describes the researchers classifying the "strengths" narrated by the people with chronic illness as external when it wasn't intrinsic or learned, such as being financially well off.

Kristjansdottir, Olöf Birna, Una Stenberg, Jelena Mirkovic, Tonje Krogseth, Tone Marte Ljoså, Kurt C. Stange, and Cornelia M. Ruland. “Personal Strengths Reported by People with Chronic Illness: A Qualitative Study.” /Health Expectations : An International Journal of Public Participation in Health Care and Health Policy/ 21, no. 4 (August 2018): 787–95. https://doi.org/10.1111/hex.12674.

I spent much time taking some "skills inventory" tests and reading about why focusing on strengths is apparently Good For You.

--== ∞ ==--

I am getting better, i think. Still coughing, still sinus drainage.  My physical activity has ground to a halt as i've saved energy for work. But last night i did (most of) the NY Times' Joy workout.  I hope that the next three workdays are not as crowded as the previous two, and that i can get in my quick walk down the hill.

Now that i've invested in resistance bands and tubes, i need to find ways to use them. I am happy that,having both found the bands uncomfortable for some moves and then found there was yet something else i could buy, i used toweling (of which i have a surplus) and "industrial" velcro to make my own padding.

--== ∞ ==--

Tags:

(therapy notes)

elainegrey: Inspired by Grypping/gripping beast styles from Nordic cultures (Default)
Sunday, November 12th, 2023 10:00 am
The exercise of a trial reward/incentive continues. There were guidelines! It's not something i've otherwise made a commitment to, like a class. It's not something from my to-do list. So, making these deviled eggs this morning -- a commitment to bring to my sister's for lunch -- it was something i "had" to do (and wanted to do and had pleasure doing).

Deviled eggs garnished with pickled pepper, pickled tiny tomato, pickled green onion, and olive

So much of what i do when i am not at work is discretionary, or in the nebulous area of "self care", or it was discretionary when i started. The whole of the yard and garden -- these are my commitments to myself, for my pleasure and as -- hopefully -- a gift to the biodiversity of my little patch.

Years ago i wrestled with the "oughtas" from my mother's "this is what your house should look like or your are bad" and beat them to a pulp. They are still in my mind as i look at leaves and dustbunnies all around me, piles of this and that. I easily dismiss them as it's not doing much harm (another voice mutters about allergies, and i grant that's a concern) and i have other things i want to do so i let housekeeping go.

So with everything discretionary, more or less, the issue is not so much finding pleasure as motivating myself to do the things that will bring less immediate pleasure compared to immediate ease.

I'm pretty sure this is not the context for this therapeutic exercise.

Yesterday i checked out a massive collection of 1950s science fiction short stories by H Beam Piper. I think i can keep myself from reading the whole thing at once. I've made sure to get a sense for the length and my reading speed. I'm pleased with the racial diversity, and the intelligence and independence of women characters. One almost passed the Bechdel Test. If i can keep myself from getting hyperfixated on reading, where i am taken over by the need to stay in the novel until the end, i could have a little "treat."
Tags:

(f&f, dad, work, therapy notes, health)

elainegrey: Inspired by Grypping/gripping beast styles from Nordic cultures (Default)
Thursday, November 9th, 2023 07:13 pm
Wednesday: Therapy. Assignment is to schedule a pleasurable activity every day, something that can be used as a reward or incentive. Fifteen minutes seemed like the minimum duration. It's a little longer than i really want for a sort of "Spend an hour on the project management work and then you can do X" type reward. I spend so much time in this edge space of doing things that are a pleasure but also good for me, like reading your journals and writing my own. This is my social interactions, i can't not do it. I don't want to say this is contingent on something else. But it's also a pleasure (except for the part where i want to write a comment and don't know what to say, or when feel i need to reply to *your* kind comments and it's hard to think of the words with which to interact).

I explained my breathing misery and my plan to see if i could get into a specialist: it turns out the clinic needs a referral. And then i was explaining how hard it is to see my primary care, but i'd put in a request for a referral. The land line rang from my doctor's office with the option of a 7:45 am appointment on Friday (telepresence was OK!).

Thursday: After work i spent 15 min petting Edward, which he pretty much appreciated. I will admit to looking at my watch. I think i needed more distraction right after work than that, because my mind went to some work questions i needed to tease apart.

I also spent two hours hanging out and talking with the team about what we were committed to doing, various technical design issues, trying to help them organize releases. It was a bit draining to be on. I recognize i say extreme things ("Feel free to tell me i'm stupid") that stem from my discomfort in talking. It's not helpful. I need to find a way to be more grounded as we go forward with me being more active with them day to day.

Friday: Visit went well with primary care, on the same page. He sent me for an x-ray (negative), and will be making a referral. I am fuzzy about how magically the referral will work: i will send questions about next steps Monday evening if no other information appears.

At lunch i found myself in tears over my overwhelmend feelings with respect to facing holiday planning.

Another change at work: i'll be attending standup. It's been so long: i feel some stress about the visibility and the hyperawareness this will trigger for me about my effectiveness. Another place where i will need to be more grounded.

My after work reward/incentive was to read one of our many art books, Clifford Ross: Landscape Seen & Imagined. This was better in that my mind could have other things to hold onto, and i did not look at my watch.

Last night & this morning: read a novel, then stalled. Novels are hard for me to use as an incentive because i don't stop. It the complete binge that happens and then the fact i did not intend to spend all my time reading but needed to do other things that

Just had a trigger to my overwhelmend feelings with respect to not being outside and my stalled sense. Frustrated at the planning fail for my brother's visit. Dad wants us to be together tomorrow, didn't realize my brother will also be here Monday and that i have taken time off work for it. All very nebulous..... and sister L called, we've come up with a visit schedule, and [insert trenchant observation about who does the labor of coordinating schedules here].
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(no subject)

elainegrey: Inspired by Grypping/gripping beast styles from Nordic cultures (Default)
Wednesday, December 1st, 2021 08:03 pm
Therapy on Tuesday was useful as i saw how much i was holding myself responsible for the lousy conversational skills of my family of origin. This explains some blues.

I'm trying to make some plans that might help all of us in conversing more.

I went shopping in the evening at a near by distillery that has lots of local foodstuffs and bought gifts for family in Florida: https://fairgamebeverage.square.site/ . Buying the premade gift boxes might have been a better plan, but this way i can at least stuff a bunch of dried okra in each as a personal touch.

The "beverage district" is an old factory area that now has a brewery, distillery, meadery, and a onsite-farm to table restaurant. Christine doesn't like the location, but i think i will be a lovely place to hang out some time. Some slightly warmer time. There was a small group in a back room -- seemed to be a group meeting for a purpose -- and the conviviality was lovely to hear. I am so disappointed at the upswing in the statewide COVID-19 cases...

So disappointed by so much -- fear as grounds for self defense as a justification for killing another, ridiculous laws that twist enforcement -- growing older and thinking i could be half way through my life if my grandmother is any evidence. The lousy social support network.

but

- it's been a beautiful autumn
- i'm going to spend time with one of my niblings this weekend and i was delighted at the delighted suprise on his face when i FaceTimed
- our elderly boy-o cats are still doing well and are sweet companions
- Carrie and Marlow are vital and fun
- pileated woodpeckers and white tail deer are our neighbors
- i'm learning to oven fry crispy tofu that's pretty yummy
- our new car is still fun
- our old truck is still fun
Tags:

(body therapy, therapy notes, judgyjudgyjudgy)

elainegrey: Inspired by Grypping/gripping beast styles from Nordic cultures (Default)
Tuesday, September 7th, 2021 07:49 am
Fixed the link - 2021-09-08 19:46

( therapy and therapy )
Tags:

(body therapy, mom and caa, therapeutic writing, therapy notes, garden, cooking)

elainegrey: Inspired by Grypping/gripping beast styles from Nordic cultures (Default)
Wednesday, August 25th, 2021 09:00 am
One of the tiny tomatoes on Matt's Wild ("[f]rom seed collected in the wild near Hidalgo in eastern Mexico") Cherry tomatoes is turning red. I've a cutting from a plant that i've nurtured in the "greenhouse" (currently covered with lattice work) -- it's sprawled everywhere and i hope i can keep it going once i put a cover over the structure when frosts begin. That would be nice. One of the pepper plants that has been browsed to death has a tiny pepper.

Also, exterminator whacked the paper wasp nest out of the fig tree with a stick. Note to self, all the internet advice about "after dark with red flashlights" and other caution is completely overkill. Apparently paper wasps are not the horror that, say, yellow jackets and hornets are.

I ran a tray and a half of okra and one try of figs overnight in the dehydrator. The malabar spinach took forever but it kept a lovely green in most cases, a characteristic i associate with lower temperature dehydration. If i could have lunches of okra-malabar spinach added to tomato paste soup all winter, it would be very satisfying.

Similarly, it's been satisfying to make mint ... tea? water? tisane? ... all summer: a milk bottle with a bundle of spearmint or tulsi suspended through the top and not quite boiling water poured over and left to steep and cool, and then consumed as part of my very frequent beverage breaks. For the winter i've some mint i dehydrated in May -- i will be even more aggressive, i think, next year -- and some stevia. Stevia the plant is stunning in its intensity. I'm hoping to keep the plant going over the winter inside along with a tulsi plant. My attempt to keep malabar spinach going was a waste -- it has self seeded....

--== ∞ ==--

STOP

--== ∞ ==--

What i really need to write about is that in therapy yesterday, my therapist said that she thinks i'm a "people pleaser." I immediately rejected it. Just a few narrative coincidences, i'm sure.

Yet, it's nagged at me.

And it's nagged because i asked myself, why did i reject that assessment?

And i realized it's because my mother told me over and over that i didn't care about others and i was only interested in my self, etc, over and over.

This is related to the "you will be a terrible mother" that led me to omit motherhood from my envisioned future. (Maybe adopt, maybe, i would think.) Years ago i realized that it was the messaging from Mom that had made me think that, and that i *could* be a good mother. (And then i reflected just because i realized i could be, still didn't mean i wanted to be a mother, and so, i'm still happily not a mother.)

So, i do need to understand what it may mean to be a "people pleaser" and not really reject that observation simply on "not possible" grounds.

Admitting that it's possible creates such a tender feeling in me. I so appreciate the work i did years ago, an appreciation all over again, that working through my bitterness and anger and grief about my childhood has me in a place where this realization only brings up the ghost of those feelings. A few very judgemental thoughts - "OF COURSE a child is self centered, that is part of how children develop" and "So wrong to tell children such messages." Grief over seeing my mother's so sweet and caring nature as the dementia ravaged away whatever horrors led her to be so angry, bitter, anxious, and demanding: what could our relationship have been had those horrors been dealt with before dementia? But there's another feeling -- maybe like the spot in my tooth that broke off a few weeks ago. With my tooth, there's no pain, no discomfort (so a dental visit is not necessary), but there's an awareness: "It's time to stop chewing ice and hard candy and maybe quit thinking of your teeth as strong as steel." An awareness of fragility.

Unlike with my teeth, though, i think it's OK that my understanding of my self be a little fragile. Unlike my teeth, rebuilding won't be annoyingly expensive -- i won't assume painless -- and unlike my teeth -- which are honest and true -- a foundation built on my mother's trauma (whatever it was) turned on me is not.
Tags:

(no subject)

elainegrey: Inspired by Grypping/gripping beast styles from Nordic cultures (Default)
Thursday, July 29th, 2021 07:08 am
( Read more... )

Bats will be remaining where they are; roofer has assured my dad that the bats are just under the tiles and above the sealed roof.

My parents stopped by after a medical appointment to see the trombocino squash that are climbing the smaller crepe myrtle trees. I'd shown this photo to them on Monday.

I processed six of the peaches for drying yesterday. The pectin-sugar dip seems to be a win for producing brightly colored peach slices. I need to be more consistent about slice width - i think i will not do wedges next time but half rings. We bought some Southern Comfort to pickle some in (with a vanilla bean, i'm thinking), and i plan to make another jar with vodka, cinnamon, and ginger. I bought Vietnamese cinnamon from The Spice House online vendor without doing much comparison shopping or thinking. I hope we enjoy that cinnamon! What a splurge. Next time i see i should buy the stronger, higher proof bourbon.

Plenty of okra in the garden last night. Lima beans are thriving. These are Violet's Multicolored Butterbeans from 2018 seeds Dad passed to me. It's possible i gave the seeds to them. I was initially planning just to let them all dry, but there is enough vine out of my reach that can have drying beans.

Must focus on work, have not been very productive the past few days (well, have been letting myself be distracted.)

I need to write up notes about Tuesday's therapy. Attending to the joy of my life and not so much the weight of everything. Not sure how to do this. I know at the 5 thousand foot level that our life is incredibly fortunate or blessed, but up close i overwhelm myself with gottas and critical observations that sap joy.
Tags:

(therapy notes, garden, perpetual calendar)

elainegrey: Inspired by Grypping/gripping beast styles from Nordic cultures (Default)
Wednesday, April 21st, 2021 07:36 am
At lunch yesterday a mixed swarm of mayflies and dragonflies were dancing in the sunlight of the back orchard. The tree canopy now creates shade for the back woods, and the noon sun spotlit the flies against the green-dark backdrop. Marlowe and Carrie were leaping up at the large, darting flies as they swooped low over their heads. A sun dapple splashed on a patch of pink and purple phlox at the base of a tree, making it look iridescent in the grass. It was a magical spring scene and we just drank it in.

In therapy, discussed how i know what i want to do. I *want* to play with the word *want* and try to replace all the times i think to myself i _must_, i _have to_, i _should_.
Tags:

In defense of my therapist (therapy notes)

elainegrey: Inspired by Grypping/gripping beast styles from Nordic cultures (Default)
Friday, March 12th, 2021 08:43 am
Since several of you brought it up: i don't think my therapist was terrible for blundering into grief that i don't think about much these days. My discussion of my mother with this current therapist has mainly been about worries about Mom's care with dementia and paralysis, and care for my Dad and my sister as they care for her, etc. The other has been about how Mom was not able to relax and make friends: ways in which she wasn't a role model. We've had very little discussion about the traumas of my childhood and her poor behavior because i haven't felt the need. It took years and years and therapeutic drugs and multiple therapists and therapies to get there, but i did make peace with my childhood and as much as i could over how she poisoned her relationship with Christine (long ruined before Christine's transition). I'm sure i couldn't have moved so close if i hadn't made that peace, and i'm thankful i was able to tell Mom things and set boundaries when she was capable of understanding them.

The context with my therapist was her telling me i was reliable, and my not quite willing to take that unqualified. Reliable enough, i said. She was trying to encourage me to accept that, and i could get her point as she talked about "good enough mothers" in the abstract. My sister worries about her failures in mothering, but she is certainly a good enough mother. I can understand how "good enough" doesn't point to someone just doing the minimum for selfish reasons or going through the actions, but points to complications and externalities and failures that makes an absolute judgement perhaps out of reach. I got her point.

And when my therapist tossed off the aside of "Your mother was good enough," i know she was doing it because -- even if i have a hard time feeling it some times -- i am professionally successful, working with people i like and doing things i enjoy. I have meaningful things i care about. I have an excellent relationship with my spouse, my sister, my father -- and -- at this point in time, with the person she is at the moment -- my mother.

For me the important thing with my therapist was that she quickly noticed the mistake and made every effort to take care of me after that.
Tags:

(therapy notes, procrastination, mom and caa, body therapy, therapeutic writing)

elainegrey: Inspired by Grypping/gripping beast styles from Nordic cultures (Default)
Thursday, March 11th, 2021 06:23 am
( Read more... )

* Dad, vaccinated and with two weeks for it to fully take effect, went to Florida Saturday morning to be with his mom (104) while his cousin went back to her house in Alabama to check on black markings developing on the walls. Turns out the house issue was wallpaper bleeding through paint. Dad forgot his iPad and wouldn't let my sister overnight it to him. He hasn't been able to see Mom's eyes, which are more eloquent than her aphasia and dementia allow her words to be. (They are still able to be sweet to each other on the phone.) Anyhow, my sister initially planned to have Mom at her house during the work week, but then seemed to decide that it would be easier to take Mom back to her house for at night (hospital bed with a mattress protected from accidents one key aspect). Monday night i went over after work to wait for pest control. Wednesday i came over to work from there, and L went back to her house, returning midafternoon with her kids and attempting to work outside (dump wasn't open, pressure washer had no pressure), then took her son back home for a while.

Once my sister started cleaning at Mom & Dad's she doesn't seem to have been able to stop, periodically texting me photos of crud.
Tags:

Exhausted

elainegrey: Inspired by Grypping/gripping beast styles from Nordic cultures (Default)
Friday, February 26th, 2021 07:19 am
Exhausted: it's the general frame i have for what's going on with me right now. I told my sister that i feel like i have five things to carry but can only manage two at a time.

I'm taking this morning off and i do want to go outside and plant some over due for planting plants in the herb garden area -- plants i bought for the area delimited by the front room wall and the front porch where i ripped out the azaleas. That spot is very much in the way of people working on the porch though.

I also should call about the lumber i need for the railings and order the handrail cap.

In therapy this week -- i look at my scribbled notes -- ( Read more... )
Tags:

Therapy yesterday (therapy notes, critter watch, bird notes, cats, dawg, work)

elainegrey: Inspired by Grypping/gripping beast styles from Nordic cultures (Default)
Wednesday, February 10th, 2021 06:15 am
I'm not sure where therapy is headed, except in a few months my therapist is leaving the insurance group, ( Notes )
--== ∞ ==--

Yesterday, I saw another another hawk, this one a red-tail, just outside my work window at noon yesterday. They perched for several minutes, turning on the perch, allowing me plenty of time to look at the feather patterns and both sides of the tail. Then they glided into the garden, ate something, and then flew off. After eating i walked a bit outside and heard two hawks calling to each other. Spring is in the air.

Also on the walk i noticed more daffodils sprouting and a clump of star of Bethlehem leaves near the driveway. I guess it's time to go looking for bluets.

In the early evening, coyotes called over a chorus of frogs. I suspect that the hawk had found a frog or toad in the garden, given the audible activity.

Marlowe is collarless this morning, much hissy-fit between her and Edward. And i moved Luigi on top of the hassock so that Edward can't bite him.

Yesterday evening, as in other evenings recently, Carrie is crawling up on Christine's shoulder when they are on the couch. Internet says either "aww, luv" or "dog is demonstrating she thinks she's dominant, nip in bud!" We discussed: not sure we are ready to go full pack theory. She's also licking her lips (internet says sign of anxiety) and trembling. Hound dogs are so different from shepherds.

--== ∞ ==--

There was a slight unpleasantness at work with someone taking my behavior to my boss. I'm pretty sure it was (probably unconscious) retaliation for not backing down. If A is going to work as discussed B must be done*; B won't be done until May. But the Someone doesn't want to wait months and months. So Someone will do a partial solution that can be done without A. Then, 45 minutes into the meeting i called, we returned to my topic. At the end of the meeting, Someone wanted to know when the next step that i needed to do would be done. Not for two weeks was my answer, and when i was pressed to give a solid date, i balked.

After hearing that Someone complained to my boss about not getting a when i felt shame -- until a few hours had passed and i realized that Someone had signaled that the work was of little consequence (having postponed the meeting once, having derailed the topic in the meeting for something else). If Someone had called the meeting and was driving the work, i am sure i would have behaved differently. My boss said he didn't think i was in the wrong, given the whole context. I didn't say i thought it was retaliation, but we did discuss Someone's snit over the delay.

* It is true that A can potentially be hacked with baroque programming that leaves possibilities for security gaps, but the division leadership we are in has made it clear that that sort of "debt" is not going to be supported. AND the person i was engaged with would NEVER agree to their team doing such a hack. So "doing it wrong for speed's sake" is not on the table.
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