elainegrey

Today's platelet count consistent with last week's well within normal reading; hematologist suggests waiting two weeks for the next draw.

Today's therapy was useful. We've been discussing a cycle of how a certain amount of "anxiety" or "urgency" is motivational -- it produces a boost of energy to address things. At a certain point, though, there's a tip: maybe the task/project becomes intimidating and instead one is boosted into something else:  maybe it's proximate work (and one can steer back to the goal). Maybe other irrelevant work to distraction. And then the overshoot of energy can lead to frustration, that becomes paralysis, and then depression.

We talked a little about my feelings about my aspiration/goals (handwave at yard, point at gap in woods for shed), and why i think i should be more productive than i am.

I acknowledged that it's not just this health issue that has kept me from making headway: so many things in life can derail my sense of forward momentum, whether travel or family visits or work crisis/project or Trees Falling On Fences. And i know that i cycle between balance and feeling like all the threads are being pulled through my fingers, burning raw spots. Just. Keep. Going. Some of the times i have been very productive have also not been balanced, too, and relationships and other things were neglected.

We talked about the tiny little bit of progress i made on the shed, the reasons the shed is important, and then M-- was able to poke at one of the stuck pieces.

Developing a relationship with a contractor is intimidating because of the need for trust, but also because of the question of the person working closely with us and needing to be accepting of us. The trust is more than merely will they do the work: it's also, will we be comfortable with them working here, will we feel like we can address challenges, etc. There's something deeply emotional and challenging for me in this relationship bit.

Speaking of relationships: i feel like i am connecting more with M--, too, and that she's hearing more and mapping my state of being. I like having the cycle as a framework for examining frustrations.

The exercise of a trial reward/incentive continues. There were guidelines! It's not something i've otherwise made a commitment to, like a class. It's not something from my to-do list. So, making these deviled eggs this morning -- a commitment to bring to my sister's for lunch -- it was something i "had" to do (and wanted to do and had pleasure doing).



So much of what i do when i am not at work is discretionary, or in the nebulous area of "self care", or it was discretionary when i started. The whole of the yard and garden -- these are my commitments to myself, for my pleasure and as -- hopefully -- a gift to the biodiversity of my little patch.

Years ago i wrestled with the "oughtas" from my mother's "this is what your house should look like or your are bad" and beat them to a pulp. They are still in my mind as i look at leaves and dustbunnies all around me, piles of this and that. I easily dismiss them as it's not doing much harm (another voice mutters about allergies, and i grant that's a concern) and i have other things i want to do so i let housekeeping go.

So with everything discretionary, more or less, the issue is not so much finding pleasure as motivating myself to do the things that will bring less immediate pleasure compared to immediate ease.

I'm pretty sure this is not the context for this therapeutic exercise.

Yesterday i checked out a massive collection of 1950s science fiction short stories by H Beam Piper. I think i can keep myself from reading the whole thing at once. I've made sure to get a sense for the length and my reading speed. I'm pleased with the racial diversity, and the intelligence and independence of women characters. One almost passed the Bechdel Test. If i can keep myself from getting hyperfixated on reading, where i am taken over by the need to stay in the novel until the end, i could have a little "treat."

Therapy on Tuesday was useful as i saw how much i was holding myself responsible for the lousy conversational skills of my family of origin. This explains some blues.

I'm trying to make some plans that might help all of us in conversing more.

I went shopping in the evening at a near by distillery that has lots of local foodstuffs and bought gifts for family in Florida: https://fairgamebeverage.square.site/ . Buying the premade gift boxes might have been a better plan, but this way i can at least stuff a bunch of dried okra in each as a personal touch.

The "beverage district" is an old factory area that now has a brewery, distillery, meadery, and a onsite-farm to table restaurant. Christine doesn't like the location, but i think i will be a lovely place to hang out some time. Some slightly warmer time. There was a small group in a back room -- seemed to be a group meeting for a purpose -- and the conviviality was lovely to hear. I am so disappointed at the upswing in the statewide COVID-19 cases...

So disappointed by so much -- fear as grounds for self defense as a justification for killing another, ridiculous laws that twist enforcement -- growing older and thinking i could be half way through my life if my grandmother is any evidence. The lousy social support network.

but

- it's been a beautiful autumn
- i'm going to spend time with one of my niblings this weekend and i was delighted at the delighted suprise on his face when i FaceTimed
- our elderly boy-o cats are still doing well and are sweet companions
- Carrie and Marlow are vital and fun
- pileated woodpeckers and white tail deer are our neighbors
- i'm learning to oven fry crispy tofu that's pretty yummy
- our new car is still fun
- our old truck is still fun

One of the tiny tomatoes on Matt's Wild ("[f]rom seed collected in the wild near Hidalgo in eastern Mexico") Cherry tomatoes is turning red. I've a cutting from a plant that i've nurtured in the "greenhouse" (currently covered with lattice work) -- it's sprawled everywhere and i hope i can keep it going once i put a cover over the structure when frosts begin. That would be nice. One of the pepper plants that has been browsed to death has a tiny pepper.

Also, exterminator whacked the paper wasp nest out of the fig tree with a stick. Note to self, all the internet advice about "after dark with red flashlights" and other caution is completely overkill. Apparently paper wasps are not the horror that, say, yellow jackets and hornets are.

I ran a tray and a half of okra and one try of figs overnight in the dehydrator. The malabar spinach took forever but it kept a lovely green in most cases, a characteristic i associate with lower temperature dehydration. If i could have lunches of okra-malabar spinach added to tomato paste soup all winter, it would be very satisfying.

Similarly, it's been satisfying to make mint ... tea? water? tisane? ... all summer: a milk bottle with a bundle of spearmint or tulsi suspended through the top and not quite boiling water poured over and left to steep and cool, and then consumed as part of my very frequent beverage breaks. For the winter i've some mint i dehydrated in May -- i will be even more aggressive, i think, next year -- and some stevia. Stevia the plant is stunning in its intensity. I'm hoping to keep the plant going over the winter inside along with a tulsi plant. My attempt to keep malabar spinach going was a waste -- it has self seeded....

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STOP

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What i really need to write about is that in therapy yesterday, my therapist said that she thinks i'm a "people pleaser." I immediately rejected it. Just a few narrative coincidences, i'm sure.

Yet, it's nagged at me.

And it's nagged because i asked myself, why did i reject that assessment?

And i realized it's because my mother told me over and over that i didn't care about others and i was only interested in my self, etc, over and over.

This is related to the "you will be a terrible mother" that led me to omit motherhood from my envisioned future. (Maybe adopt, maybe, i would think.) Years ago i realized that it was the messaging from Mom that had made me think that, and that i *could* be a good mother. (And then i reflected just because i realized i could be, still didn't mean i wanted to be a mother, and so, i'm still happily not a mother.)

So, i do need to understand what it may mean to be a "people pleaser" and not really reject that observation simply on "not possible" grounds.

Admitting that it's possible creates such a tender feeling in me. I so appreciate the work i did years ago, an appreciation all over again, that working through my bitterness and anger and grief about my childhood has me in a place where this realization only brings up the ghost of those feelings. A few very judgemental thoughts - "OF COURSE a child is self centered, that is part of how children develop" and "So wrong to tell children such messages." Grief over seeing my mother's so sweet and caring nature as the dementia ravaged away whatever horrors led her to be so angry, bitter, anxious, and demanding: what could our relationship have been had those horrors been dealt with before dementia? But there's another feeling -- maybe like the spot in my tooth that broke off a few weeks ago. With my tooth, there's no pain, no discomfort (so a dental visit is not necessary), but there's an awareness: "It's time to stop chewing ice and hard candy and maybe quit thinking of your teeth as strong as steel." An awareness of fragility.

Unlike with my teeth, though, i think it's OK that my understanding of my self be a little fragile. Unlike my teeth, rebuilding won't be annoyingly expensive -- i won't assume painless -- and unlike my teeth -- which are honest and true -- a foundation built on my mother's trauma (whatever it was) turned on me is not.

At lunch yesterday a mixed swarm of mayflies and dragonflies were dancing in the sunlight of the back orchard. The tree canopy now creates shade for the back woods, and the noon sun spotlit the flies against the green-dark backdrop. Marlowe and Carrie were leaping up at the large, darting flies as they swooped low over their heads. A sun dapple splashed on a patch of pink and purple phlox at the base of a tree, making it look iridescent in the grass. It was a magical spring scene and we just drank it in.

In therapy, discussed how i know what i want to do. I *want* to play with the word *want* and try to replace all the times i think to myself i _must_, i _have to_, i _should_.

( Read more... )

* Dad, vaccinated and with two weeks for it to fully take effect, went to Florida Saturday morning to be with his mom (104) while his cousin went back to her house in Alabama to check on black markings developing on the walls. Turns out the house issue was wallpaper bleeding through paint. Dad forgot his iPad and wouldn't let my sister overnight it to him. He hasn't been able to see Mom's eyes, which are more eloquent than her aphasia and dementia allow her words to be. (They are still able to be sweet to each other on the phone.) Anyhow, my sister initially planned to have Mom at her house during the work week, but then seemed to decide that it would be easier to take Mom back to her house for at night (hospital bed with a mattress protected from accidents one key aspect). Monday night i went over after work to wait for pest control. Wednesday i came over to work from there, and L went back to her house, returning midafternoon with her kids and attempting to work outside (dump wasn't open, pressure washer had no pressure), then took her son back home for a while.

Once my sister started cleaning at Mom & Dad's she doesn't seem to have been able to stop, periodically texting me photos of crud.

I'm not sure where therapy is headed, except in a few months my therapist is leaving the insurance group, ( Notes )
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Yesterday, I saw another another hawk, this one a red-tail, just outside my work window at noon yesterday. They perched for several minutes, turning on the perch, allowing me plenty of time to look at the feather patterns and both sides of the tail. Then they glided into the garden, ate something, and then flew off. After eating i walked a bit outside and heard two hawks calling to each other. Spring is in the air.

Also on the walk i noticed more daffodils sprouting and a clump of star of Bethlehem leaves near the driveway. I guess it's time to go looking for bluets.

In the early evening, coyotes called over a chorus of frogs. I suspect that the hawk had found a frog or toad in the garden, given the audible activity.

Marlowe is collarless this morning, much hissy-fit between her and Edward. And i moved Luigi on top of the hassock so that Edward can't bite him.

Yesterday evening, as in other evenings recently, Carrie is crawling up on Christine's shoulder when they are on the couch. Internet says either "aww, luv" or "dog is demonstrating she thinks she's dominant, nip in bud!" We discussed: not sure we are ready to go full pack theory. She's also licking her lips (internet says sign of anxiety) and trembling. Hound dogs are so different from shepherds.

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There was a slight unpleasantness at work with someone taking my behavior to my boss. I'm pretty sure it was (probably unconscious) retaliation for not backing down. If A is going to work as discussed B must be done*; B won't be done until May. But the Someone doesn't want to wait months and months. So Someone will do a partial solution that can be done without A. Then, 45 minutes into the meeting i called, we returned to my topic. At the end of the meeting, Someone wanted to know when the next step that i needed to do would be done. Not for two weeks was my answer, and when i was pressed to give a solid date, i balked.

After hearing that Someone complained to my boss about not getting a when i felt shame -- until a few hours had passed and i realized that Someone had signaled that the work was of little consequence (having postponed the meeting once, having derailed the topic in the meeting for something else). If Someone had called the meeting and was driving the work, i am sure i would have behaved differently. My boss said he didn't think i was in the wrong, given the whole context. I didn't say i thought it was retaliation, but we did discuss Someone's snit over the delay.

* It is true that A can potentially be hacked with baroque programming that leaves possibilities for security gaps, but the division leadership we are in has made it clear that that sort of "debt" is not going to be supported. AND the person i was engaged with would NEVER agree to their team doing such a hack. So "doing it wrong for speed's sake" is not on the table.