elainegrey

I don't know when, if ever, i'll become visible in the tech community i'm currently working in. That's OK, but i fond myself wondering how much of an investment to make. Do i stretch myself to talk with strangers or do i take the rest i need?

Last night, watching Christine cry from the pain of the wisdom tooth extraction (a short release of the stress -- she was cheerful after as she went about some chores), i choose staying home with her. I did spend much of the evening in meta-community, fiddling with Twitter data. It's not the same thing.

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With Quaker community, a blog interaction lead me to an interesting Quaker document from the past: http://www.qhpress.org/texts/balby.html . It connects with some of my other thoughts about the role of recorded membership and my pondering about what does it mean to be "Quaker." kibbles has taught me much that is *finally* sinking in.

A FB link to this reflection on Karen Armstrong's book was also good food for thought this morning. I logged the link with the note, "A examination of how Armstrong reveals the historical and global importance placed on practice as opposed to statements of belief. While not specifically Quaker, it reminds me of some of Barclay's positioning of the society in the context of the Catholicism of the time (eg: indulgences as perverted practice) and the Protestants who were beginning this descent into statements of belief."

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What (in large numbers) Twitter and FB do that LJ no longer does for me is provide those reading references. Go look at this funny thing, go read this useful thing, have you heard about this new thing. In a way, i appreciate LJ becoming more exclusively an individual's reflections or stories, while i can skim the RSS feeds of Twitter and Facebook shared links and explore.

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I was tempted by Hackerdojo email and knowing that one person i've met through LJ is playing there. Ah, there's someone who crochets there! But, honestly, another community? The Friday nights in January and February are nights for 'makers' in Friends community. Those 'makers' are there in the Friends community, but how to bring out that thread of the tapestry of experience? For the moment, i need to continue to commit in that community.

(But i may go play at hackerdojo if something specific comes up.)

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So, thinking about goals for the holidays, perhaps simply focussing myself on the library committee --we'll have two worknights -- and the oversight work and the preparing for the winter nights in Jan Feb is PLENTY.

Driving home from meeting yesterday i found myself experiencing surges of regret. My usual bolt away from the community after meeting: is it just habit? Why, really, do i run away? As i got to Middlefield (a long road that must have a long history), my thoughts turned to appreciating the fall leaves and being stunned that it's November. My intention to ride my bike to Meeting during the fair and clear weather, made in February.... What have i done this year? Much, i'm sure, and yet i'm beginning to sense the lack of goals as not a release from arbitrary pressures but as a lack of grounding.

I take this to mean that i am healing from the years of work focus, that i've slipped free of survival and i'm back to asking What Can I Do For This World?

The challenge of interacting in community remains for me: that is where procrastination has drifted. There's a large tension in myself between a sense that my growth of self may be best shaped by stepping out of myself and my own inclinations to be semi-solitary. I note the

.... and i stopped writing.



Side snark, from a Mercury News article about the approaching 9 Nov Google Books hearing (although the article seems to just mention a "deadline"): "It's absolutely partially about Google's size," said Daniel Clancy....

Tedious morning writing about habit changing.

In the good news department, Christine is playing Night Czar in the household, helping manage and nag and encourage me to *do* instead of flump on the couch and let the day drain away. I know part of what happens is that the pressure (impulse, motive) drops from what work produces, and and all i have left is a little bit for crochet or wandering around on the internet. I'm asking her for coaching help, and it's working. We also proposed a concrete morning pattern for the kettle time, which should help with a little bit of housework.

I suppose this is part of re-Mothering myself. The patterns of housework and habit that one ideally learns as a child didn't take with me for a variety of reasons. Some of the antipatterns i learned i see also in my sister: a sense of overwhelming stress that certain duties must be done and must be done perfectly in order to have the most attractive appearance to visitors, to the extent that personal well-being and family well-being take a distant second in priority. That antipattern keeps the "keep everything you might need" antipattern at bay, to some extent, without dealing with the root of it.

The "appearances before psychological and physical well-being" antipattern i've pretty much rejected, with some residual irrational focus on the rug of the apartment. I am now tabula rasa and need to replace the antipattern with good patterns. It takes time with a kid: presumably i'll be a quicker study, except i'm barely attending to it. The "cruft and clutter" antipattern is one i've been aware of -- slow slow progress. But i think it is progress.

Microscopic progress on changing my slide into complete sedentary lifestyle as well.

I'd forgotten my plan to do an exclusion diet, but a colleague asked after whether i was pursuing any alternative therapies for my obviously less than stellar physical health. He may know a nutritionist who might be good to work with. I take that as a gift to remind me of my desire to tackle a elimination or exclusion diet.

Let's see, only a little time to do prep for the committee work for this morning, so.

Yesterday was leisurely: i sat and poked a bit on the internet, poked a bit at my dye project for white cotton threads and yarns, and poked a bit at my library committee responsibility.

The bad news of the day was Christine finding a dead bird and the subsequent observation of feathers. We'd had such a gusty, windy afternoon and Greycie Loo is so "full of boing," that despite me being so close she'd apparently fulfilled her hunting desires for the first time. I feel unhappy and a little guilty, and i suspect Christine was wrestling with her own feelings on the topic. I noted this morning that the cardboard box "toy" on the deck may have served as a hunting blind, so hopefully we can return to the previous status quo and not have repeat incidents.

I made "scones" taking the bisquick biscuit recipe and adding in powdered sugar and folding in bits of smart balance spread during the kneading. They took a good bit longer to bake and are decadent.

We watched Chaplan (1992) before bed. The history gripped me, the aging makeup annoyed me, and seeing David Duchovny in a bit part a year before he started The X-Files entertained. (I'll note that IMDB seems to not note Duchovny's or Anderson's role in The X-Files in the standard manner in the Actor section of the Filmography. It's odd. Compare to Mitch Pileggi's or Robert Patrick's annotation.)

I've made it through an unusually busy spring, filled with many conferences, retreats,
unconferences. I said "Yes" to many things and while i came through to this point, i do feel it was too much. Work is getting a little challenging and i need to attend to it; home is comfortable in the way a worn, ripped and stained pair of jeans are comfortable. This next quarter: July, August, and September must be about home and work, i think. And exercise, probably.

This morning i'm scattered but keep returning to my commitment to be involved in a more consistent way with the many issues i care about. I'd hoped one cause would "float to the top" and i could say that's where i'd focus for the next few months. Instead, i remain unfocused. However, outside forces seem to have helped me focus for month-long sprints.

In May, i'm going to focus on the CA Budget. There's an election where CA citizens get to play legislators and try to fix budget issues by voting on a six issues (http://www.voterguide.sos.ca.gov/). There's also this movement, which addresses the actual core of the budget problems: http://www.ecovote.org/budget/

I'm also going to write a response to the bizarre flyer circulated in the complex about the chemicals the gardeners use. (It's not that the flyer didn't have agreeable sentiments, but it was written with such a inflammatory and misleading slant. It brings to mind dihydrogen monoxide concerns.

In June, there's a torture awareness month effort. Members of our Meeting have discussed about how the relationship of the US and torture affects not just enemy combatants but how spirit breaking, degrading treatment occurs in California's prison system.

That leaves July.

Give thanks, share beauty, note joy:

* Precipitation! Not really rain, exactly, but drizzle and sprinkles.
* Light box, which i wish i had been using these past days, during which the celebrated precipitation has occurred.

Noteworthy events (dining out, errands, correspondence):

I've been far more social these days that usual, partly due a confluence of possibilities. It has occurred to me that perhaps i should violate the instruction that an Artist's Date is done alone and make my Artist's date more social. Artist's dates just are odd for me anyhow, as i am happy to give way to my creative curiosity for little bits. I don't need to go out to find inspiration. I've boxes of stuff that invite play. If i were to speculate what would be more creativity stimulating it would be a weekly time set aside strictly for playing with some medium stashed in the house.

Thursday was the copyright conference which, thanks to Twitter, i attended with @inforama. Friday we joined stef_tm's happy hour and spoke with folks who actually knew how to do small talk. It was good to meet Stef in person. Afterwards, we escaped the noise of Tied House to look at used books (extinguishing all the credit), beads, and had dinner at Kapps, both of us reading a Lord Peter Wimsey novel.

Yesterday we had a very long morning coffee at Cafe Sophia with a subset of BWWW*ES, the colleagues and retired colleagues, but not the moved-on colleagues.

I ended up completing both Wimsey novels, to be released at the office. I'll probably gather a stack of books to trade at the used book store and then replenish the office stacks as i find fitting targets.

Regrets: I've moved this up because i do feel regretful these days.

* I wish i'd gotten my act together to get the laptop to WeFixMacs for a drive installation: they take over a day, they claim. I have a connection with Some Guy that i need to follow up upon to deal with this.
* I wish i wasn't spending so many evenings as a couch potato. I must do something with the early morning working thing as it looks like the project i am now involved in will require an irregular 6 am Wed call.
* I wish i'd arranged to be at MayDay dancing this morn, despite the wee bit of damp. Instead, i watched a goofy movie till late last night and very much slept in.

( the usual )