elainegrey

A friend at the Meeting in California hosts a mailing list. He writes out to some list of BCC and you have no idea who else is on that list. He occasionally replies to someone, bringing their response forward to all. It's different, but it is the culture of his list. The power dynamic is so different, but i think it's wise. He is a rare black attender in the mostly white California meeting, and he's willing to prick the white conscience with regard to racial privilege.

I struggled a bit with the power structure of his list last night, as i replied to a reply someone else had made to the host's use of the word whiteness. In an amazing act of white privilege, this person had complained that the use of the word made him feel something was wrong with his skin. My response was a bit more developed response of "Sit with the discomfort and think about it." I eventually simply replied to the host and the other correspondent, not BCC'ing or CC'ing anyone. I thanked the host for providing the discussion space.

This morning i am more able to see what is going on: we must trust the host to curate ... fairly? justly? It is not transparent, a word that comes to mind as echoing the Charlotte Mayor as she tries to negotiate between the police and the people. My discomfort with this list is it isn't transparent, and i need to trust the host. The people of Charlotte ... they have a situation with trust and transparency, too. I've no idea how many responses the host receives, how often his BCC list is "all" or "some", how wide or diverse the community of discourse is. I think it's wise though, because it is a way the black voice will be heard in the white space. Our host's moderation reminds me of the moderation of nuclear reactions in a power plant: the clamor or white voices as we, in our many different places of facing our privilege, feedback upon each other and melt down. Our host absorbs and paces the discussion, keeping it from being overwhelming, keeping the silence between messages that is hard to do in an asynchronous medium.

I knew last night i recognized something "Quakerly" about the space our host had made. This morning i see the pacing he creates, keeping the space between the responses, choosing whom to recognize as clerking the discussion. And just as one holds the clerk in the Light, recognizing the difficulties they face in the challenge of moderating, i hold our host in the Light too.

--== ∞ ==--

In other news, i have avoided the debate and much (i suspect) of the rehashing of the debate. Each morning i read the analysis at http://www.electoral-vote.com/ trying to skim past most of the eye rolling at The Donald, but occasionally following the links to news articles, such as the one about the Trump campaign trying to find a mosque The Donald could publicly visit. I admired the responses i read about: no we will not create a photo op, but yes we will sit down and talk with you. The local Meeting's women's group is gathering tonight and the invitation includes "bring your favorite quotes from the debate." I will not go. I wasn't feeling inspired, as yesterday i was dragging with a cold (it's too soon to see today how that will go). But until debates are about policy and not performance, i'm opting out.

I spent the weekend lopping and have indeed created a huge pile of brush to eventually send through a chipper as well as tangles of grape and honeysuckle vines to be burned. I haven't quite figured out my metric for "worth the time to send through a chipper" vs "burn" but i have one, some instinct about the balance of effort and reward with a bias to chip. I got quite worn out on Saturday, working in the sun. Sunday i reserved energy and spent some time just appreciating the cleared space and the trees of the understory. I selected spindly oaks to keep and hope will grow up above the dogwood and redbud, lopped out sweetgum, found what might be spicebush -- a native plant that fills the same niche as the autumn olive and is host to spicebush swallowtail butterfly larvae -- along with ferns and pipsissewa. (I'll note i was taught to call Chimaphila maculata pipsissewa, not, as Wikipedia redirects, Chimaphila umbellata.)

Monday and yesterday i corresponded - and also had an insight: i can start drafting digital Yuletide greetings NOW. I was considering what to write to someone back in California and was feeling like i had no place to connect a conversation. I'd sent the person my month one and two missives, so i knew they had a picture of where we were, but no real response. So i've drafted a note to send come Thanksgiving or Yuletide with a how are [things] going. Actually, as i write today, i'm not sure why i feel the need to delay sending that.)

Sassafras, my new computer: I was finally able to transfer my personal data over the wifi Monday night, so i am tippity-tapping on the new machine right now. (And tippity tapping is right: the keyboard action is quite different.) I have the ethernet adapter to sort out, but it's great to have a personal machine back.

I think i have been a little more focussed this week. A architectural decision was made on Tuesday that takes some work of my team's plate. I'm disappointed but it also removes the stress of how i would specify the details in time for me to be on the road for a week. Christine's to-do list also had a particularly emotionally challenging item removed yesterday.

I don't often post about politics, particularly politicians. The issues i care about -- developing a sustainable way for all of us to share the planet with respect for all living things -- i feel i can best share by writing about my passions, and not dwelling on individuals.

But the Republican party horrifies me right now. I'm not sure how integrity has slipped so far out of favor: this, because of interviews with Trump supporters who "know Trump is just saying outrageous things" and doesn't mean them. Dr Ben Carson's lack of a grasp on the physical reality is perhaps not uncommon, but it seems a certain pointer to a disqualifying flaw. And Trump wants him to help pick a VP? (Christine is looking at the wikipedia article on the four horsemen of the apocalypse to figure out which one will be picked: she alleges Trump is Conquest.)

I did read a very helpful article that i'm sure one of you pointed out to me: http://religiondispatches.org/sympathy-for-the-devils-i-was-a-pastor-to-trump-supporters/ This has helped me understand how despair and anger can create a receptivity to the apparent message of Trump.

Ok, part of my question yesterday has been answered in that the women i know (and apparently everyone else) are watching Nate Silver instead of electoral-vote.com's votemaster.

Poor votemaster! Last night:

8:18 PM EST The servers are totally overloaded. This may not work. I'm trying but not hopeful.

9:15 P.M. EST CNN projects Republicans to keep the House.

9:20 P.M. EST Servers are hopeless.

00:00 A.M. EST Now that everyone is in bed, the servers are back up. At this moment, Colorado, Virgina, and Florida are still undecided, but Obama is leading in all of them. If he wins them all, then the electoral map is the same as 2008 except with Indiana and North Carolina. I'll start looking at the Senate next.

I find myself mostly pensive about party politics. Of course, from where i stand the Democratic party looks like a bunch of moderates that are kinda willing to consider progressive movement if it won't piss off their corporate overlords. In general, i think the corporate overlords "get" "inclusion," and because they are multinational, they can't afford a certain sort of jingoism. (Other military actions don't hurt the bottom line so, you know, go nuts and try our new remote blaster 5000 while you are at it.)

Anyhow.

I made the mistake of looking at my county's returns on ballot initiatives and had this brief blush of belief that, wow, the ballot initiatives might go the way i want them to! Then i looked at the state's returns and, meh, not so much. I'm happy to see the governor's budget initiative, line 30, did turn form no to yes overnight! I went to bed with the belief that both budget initiatives were going to be turned down: can i tell you how stupid it is to have voters making budget decisions directly?

Hi Death Penalty, i guess you'll be hanging around then. I heard someone discuss how the financial argument to end the death penalty wasn't appealing because the death penalty is a moral issue -- unlike the three strikes law -- and some people just deserve to die. The voice used in saying this was calm, rational, not particularly full of anger or revenge. A calm abstraction: some people deserve to die. I hadn't realized how much i didn't believe that until i heard it stated -- and my whole self has been cringing ever since.

Well, maybe California can execute a corporation.

--==∞==--

I get to work from home today, a reprieve that makes clear to me just how much of my depression is due to tipping point exhaustion. Up until midday yesterday, i thought the first day i could work from home was Friday the 16th, and by the way, New Director is coming out the three days before the Thanksgiving holiday and i need to be in the office then.

I think back to the trip he made during the winter holidays and how i got to see him for a couple hours out fo the several days he was in town. There's a chance he'll get here and say that, "Oh, don't bother coming in on Wednesday, i'm going to be doing blah-di-blah from my hotel room," but i can't count on that. My brother has opined it sure sounds like New Director is getting California trips paid for by the company. I can't quite believe New Director is that deceitful: i still stick with flaky.

I'm also feeling physically exhausted: coughing spell last night.

--==∞==--

The more i think about it, the more i think what i need is also a career coach cognitive therapist. So much of my depression is triggered by poorly framed beliefs.

I have things i know: my health-needs and my values point towards a company that is not expecting everyone to put in 50 or 60 hours a week, and my workstyle is better suited for a smaller company that needs a generalist who can do the breadth of work i can do.

I believe there are no companies of under a couple hundred folks in the bay area that both would be interested in hiring me with my current skill set AND are not pressure cooker start ups. In stating that poorly framed belief, i am immediately trapped.

Hopefully, i can find the right therapist for this suite of needs. I have been so fortunate in my last two therapists: one EAP therapist acted as a great-for-my-values management coach while coding my meetings with her as major depression, and my somatic experiencing therapist has helped me transition my reactive patterns so i can be more aware physically, more compassionate to my own needs. I feel so much more healed.

So i'll hope that i can find the right person to help me navigate the maze of imaginary and real barriers in my mind.

Up at the crack of dawn -- 3:43 -- this morning due to install issues. It is 6:32, and i think we have sorted out the second issue, now testing. And done, three hours later.

Oh bah.

While we were waiting -- so much waiting in the debugging process for other folks to do things like bounce services.... -- i read some things. This opinion about the current US federal process, while disheartening, seems realistic.
( Read more... )

I'm finding i really can't get interested.
( little notes about the wikipage edits )

I feel i should be "down" today in protest against the US laws SOPA/PIPA being considered in Congress. I've deactivated my twitter and facebook accounts, for what it is worth.

Three copyright-related bills are currently in play at the start of 2012 – all of which take aim at any website beyond U.S. borders that distribute counterfeit or copyright infringing products. All three bills operate under the assumption that there is a problem that needs to be solved – and the best, or only, way to combat online infringement overseas is with more law targeted at foreign websites. These bills have the potential to negatively impact fundamental library principles. The following chart is for quick reference (not meant to be comprehensive), and outlines the primary issues and concerns of interest to the library community and those who use the Internet.

--http://www.districtdispatch.org/wp-content/uploads/2012/01/ALA_pipasopaopen_ref_guide.pdf

I note one of the effects of the proposed laws is to encourage payment processors to cut off support to the identified websites. I'm not entirely sure what "encourage" means, but i don't like it. Dreamwidth's struggle to find a payment processor that will do business with a company that does not restrict content beyond "must be legal" indicates to me that the government need not get into the encouraging business; it appears that's happening without any law with some "chilling effects."

Google's blackout of its logo is nice, although i wonder what would happen if they didn't show advertisements for 12 hours during peak US surfing hours to US IP addresses. Clearly, shareholders interests might be threatened, she sneered.

First ten people to comment (comments screened) with their address will get a first class snail mail *something*. (It'd be nice if you posted this too!)

(I'll send to people outside of the US as well, but if someone outside the US wants a letter, could you try to rope in someone inside the US to participate? Since this is a "save the US Postal Service" meme, and I am sure the collective sets of $4.40 we will generate will be plenty to keep the rural post offices open!)

---

Also, i found the poster in the post office today which announced that all first class commemorative stamps are now "forever" stamps to be worrisome. On the other hand, it means they could up the rates every month without most people noticing.

Hmmm.

That may mean that all the 1 cent and 2 cent stamps go away? And wait, does this mean i can't take a stack fo new "forever" stamps to pay the $1.48 postage on the mailings like i did this morning? *ponder*

Yesterday during work i decided not to do the conference today, but go into the office. Too many moving pieces to wrangle and an architectural review to prepare. I also pitched for new staff: a developer who would also be a "scrum master." I think i may have convinced my boss' boss. nowIn the early morning hours i realize that having someone else in the role of scrum master pushes me further away from the team building work that i value. However, it's right for the team: they need someone dedicated. And perhaps i just become much more of a mentor, a less direct manager.

For me, it will take away the stress of letting people down: by getting someone who focusses on making the team development effort go smoothly, i can focus on the trainwrecks outside of our team.

Christine picked me up after work, and we listened to the game* in the car. We dropped off the rent check, and Christine suggested we could go to the little neighborhood restaurant, in which i had noted that the first game of the series was playing when i went to meet with someone to discuss career growth. So, we did. A handful of other folks were in the restaurant watching: it wasn't crowded but was neighborly. The owner was watching as well. I ordered flan at the top of the eighth inning and carefully paced my bites to extend the desert so my last bite was with the last sweet out of the bottom of the ninth, when the Giants won the game and won the series. The owner came around with a bottle of sparkling red wine so we could all toast the Giants.

Home after, where i was too exhausted to consider exercise. When we'd left my office i was aware the discomfort in my mouth was sapping my energy. I didn't want to do a thing, but it was now the last minute to vote. So i went through the pages of offices and ballot measures with Christine, feeling less proud of this analysis effort. Christine however really dug in and even called a community college colleague for advice about the state school superintendent.

Our polling place is quite close, so Christine will take our ballots over there to vote. I hadn't notice the wording on the envelope before: apparently she's only supposed to take it over if i'm sick or disabled (not just needing to get to the office). I'm feeling a little guilty about using the proxy delivery this year: i'll try to remember next year that the wording is that restrictive.

Today there's a stack of critical to-dos waiting for me, so i can't dawdle too long with the internet.

* It's a best of seven series: once a team wins four games, the World Series champ is decided. The games vary in location: 2 games - 3 games - 2 games. The Giants had won the two games in SF, and had won one of the two games in Texas. If the Rangers won last night, the teams would have head back to San Francisco to play game six.