elainegrey

Light went out in over-stove microwave a week or so ago. Christine had just gotten the dehumidifier replacement handled and was Unhappy. I quickly tracked down part and installation technique. Part has been here a while and yesterday i put it down as a condition of enoughness (IE: one thing that i can do to say i got the things done for that day). Dinner didn't need the stove, and only the microwave briefly. There was time between groceries and dinner: i had opportunity. I had all the tools, knowledge and parts: means. So i kicked myself in the motivator.

Three screws out easy, fourth stuck. Not the most ergonomic situation, pressing up on the driver into the screw trying to get the leverage to make it budge. I took the filters out, long overdue for a cleaning, cleaned those, applied WD-40. Eventually, we fubar'ed the Phillips head slot.

The internet let me know there are such things as screw extractors. Lowes was open for another 45 minutes so i drove over, had a sales person look at the screw and they picked out the teensy tinest screw extractor. The little tool mount they had would not hold the extractor: took a few pokes for them to look at 5/64 of an inch and conclude that actually, that was smaller than 1/4". So i should use a crescent wrench. That sounded like a disaster, so i bought locking pliers (has been on my, "I bet it would be useful to have" list for a while).

I tried again, but i think i need a third hand -- i don't think i can apply the upwards pressure and turn. Christine asked for me to put it off. I internet'ed and ordered another set of crew extractors that look like they would fit in our driver, and ponder using my drill with the tiny bit.

This morning i started trying to get the filters back in and the carbon filters will not stick in their slot and my back spasmed well and good. BLEEP.

This is why quick little projects never bleeping ever get bleeping done.

I told work i was out, thinking i would just skip meetings, but as soon as i told work, my skull reminded me of yesterday's headache, my chest and sinuses reminded me of the low grade congestion, and my concentration disappeared. And then it was 12:45? And coherency hasn't returned but coffee has perked me up.

--== ∞ ==--

One of the things i have learned about ADHD is that there's a outsized reaction to criticism, or implicit criticism, or judgement, or the potential for judgement. I'm trying to identify it more often and push back from the feeling. Recently, i couldn't push all the way back and wanted to talk about it. At lunch i asked my sister AITA and told her the story, from my point of view, and got a resounding no, followed by agreement about what the appropriate actions should have been, and also a little commiseration. ("Women should not be afraid to piss other people off," she quoted from somewhere, noting acculturation to prioritize getting along over many other things.)


After i got home i found myself thinking, "But AITA for telling L-- the story and asking her AITA?"


Yay, i have reached recursive insecurity.

*rolling my eyes at my brain*

Condition of enoughness for Saturday May 27: do all the regular to-dos including both stretch and balance. Step count and walk may be rain adjusted.

Nice to get done:
* hang all the cut flowers and grasses to dry
* clean the bike so i can use it instead of walking

Happies:

Tickler that it was time to order the pecan trees. So i did. And they will be here the week of 10 October.

Condition of enoughness was to get back on the metaphorical horse of the to-do-list thing. And i have done it. Tomorrow's is set to write at least three thank you notes.

Very happy to see a new season of Shetland is available. While i prefer resolving my mystery in one go, the show is lovely enough to watch that i can cope with the delayed resolution. Also new Endeavour. This will be a pleasant few months of viewing for our Sunday night mystery.

Wednesday night is a Sci Fi rotation. We finished Kenobi, which i found pleasantly diverting. Season 2 of Picard is in rotation, and i am less delighted with the time travel plot line. At least the over the top, jack booted fascist plot element didn't drag on. Strange New Worlds works for me.

Monday night and yesterday a small swirl of uncertainties with Grandmámá, who had stayed in bed and not eaten all Tuesday, but did rally yesterday. ( Swirl )

Abundance of caution led me to recognize the slight malaise Christine and i were suffering from a week ago and not see my parents. Other than that, there was no intentional withdrawal other than recognizing the little i got done over the weekend.

Wednesday brought unexpected elephants and Christine took a while to recover. I'm not sure what the trigger was as i wasn't with her: the holidays are not a good season. I bought the latest Liaden novel (#23) that evening and have since gobbled it up. I've also since made sure i know where all my digital copies are and have them all linked up in publication order in Zotero, where i keep reading lists and various resources.

Yesterday i was remarkably productive, partly due to having a sense of what to do. The todo list does seem to take a bit more time than i would like to groom it, but it's worth it, so far. I'm also making some progress on speeding through and being ruthless with email. Admittedly, there's a bit of a tension, and i will need to find a way to ensure relaxation.

I may be a remarkable person in that i might be able to kill off sunchokes, aka Jerusalem artichokes. There was less harvest this year than last. Admittedly, i didn't delve deeply -- i can't remember how deep i found the tubers. I'm fermenting a quart of them and had some in my soup at lunch.

The yard is looking great -- if i can get the back glade raked the time sensitive maintenance will finally be done. Next, pruning and clearing -- oy, and planting all the things in the fridge. Right. That's next weekend. (Also, the seeds that need a winter start.) I do love that this time of year -- in the Persephone phase when there is less than ten hours of sunlight and theoretically there's no growth of most plants -- when once things are tidy, they are tidy -- no new weeds, no lush grass growth to catch up with. I imagine filming a little visit with the drone ....

Must run if i want to get outside for a little exercise/raking and then see my folks.

"Dream residue" -- good name for a band?

Back at my work desk with the bright light blazing in my face.

The training went well Wednesday. I was drained by being so alert to everyone's energy: sister, mother, father, aunt. In the evening my sister thanked me for the "chill out" warning i flashed to her when my dad was practicing the pivot transfer with my mom. Most of my energy was trying to make space for my mom, who was ready to engage with her therapists, and my dad, who can get pounced on by women-folk in our family. That is, he can ask a question or say something to try to be humorous and get corrected pretty quickly.

( reflections on trainers )

After training i had lunch with my dad and aunt, then bolted off to my therapy appointment. My therapist's mother had a stroke, and so she may be a one person caregiver support group. In the evening i met my condition of enoughness, marking the locations for more fence posts around the garden so i can pound them in as small tasks during lunch, and then getting the halogen work lamp and long power cord arranged so i can use that to work after dark.

My aunt ( has managed to antagonize us all. )

We have more rain, the top layer of soil is so completely saturated.... I worry about many of the new trees and new grass drowning. Looks like we will have a week without rain after this, though so maybe we can have a bit of a drying out.

Work was OK on Thursday, but i'm not off to a great start today. I'm getting frustrated with the RSA phone app that will theoretically give me access to the VPN. It would be good to use the app now that i am will be going back and forth to my folks house to work, but if it won't initiate....

Celebrate! I actually spent the first work hour on the important task today! Following the precepts of "conditions of enoughness" today's work day is a win, no matter what else happens. Slowly creeping back to productivity is framed as getting done what i said i should do for today.

I'm trying to reward myself by not pressuring or beating myself up over the rest of the day.

And, in more celebration, i've been getting the "top ten things" done, a list i made on Friday.

This advice about pride has come just as i am ready for it.

--== ∞ ==--

Hours later: well somehow i've managed to get myself nice and stressed and tense. Fie.

So, i didn't do laundry or exercise last night. This falls into the category of Not News, but i'm logging it just the same. I don't think the checkbox in my records of to-dos has the emotional impact of writing out that i didn't meet my condition of enoughness. Instead, i came home and sat on the deck, pouted a bit about the day -- power outages, grumpy colleagues, bad traffic events -- caught up on personal email and journal posts, and then ate dinner while watching a mystery with Christine.

Trying again today.

--==∞==--

In reading notes, over the holiday i reread five novels of the Liaden Universe. From the "Great Migration Duology", Crystal Soldier and Crystal Dragon. I had a strong memory of the very beginning and very end, but little of the middle details.

Then i read Balance of Trade, which i really don't think i read before. I could have bought it, saving for a trip, and have gotten distracted by other reading. The sequel to this book is coming out this fall, so i shall be prepared.

I started on the "Agent of Change" sequence, reading Local Custom and Scout's Progress. Scout's Progress was decidedly fresh to my mind, but i remembered Local Custom. I believe i read the novels later in the universe-time first, so those are stronger in my memory.

In the audiobook queue is "Who Could That Be at This Hour?" by Lemony Snicket. It's an odd little mystery, clearly for children yet so wildly fantastic and rich that i am happy to listen.

In the slow reading lanes are Tik-Tok of Oz (L. Frank Baum) and the nonfiction book about American gardens, American Eden (Wade Graham). I also acquired William Shakespeare's Star Wars by Ian Doescher. The hardback from Amazon is very pleasant to hold, although the paper does feel rather pulpy. I don't know how good a judge of paper quality i am, but given the price at Amazon, i do not feel cheated in any way. The illustrated book cover is a delight, the monologs of R2-D2 just fabulous. There's a rather extensive review by John Jorgensen at Amazon that is quite complete.

On the back burner is quite a list. I started Thunderstruck ( Erik Larson) in March as an Overdrive audiobook. I've got it on hold again to complete. It's an odd little nonfiction book combining the biography of Marconi's discovery of wireless with a true crime story. I probably should review that back burner list, all the things in evernote with the tag @Reading.

When i left home yesterday it was clear, no clouds, not by bay or mountains. Very light dew. We are in a heat wave of sorts. When i left the office at 6:30 i was impressed by the heat i walked into: it was 90 in San Mateo then. There were only three gulls, a duck and two egrets at the water feature, which seemed to be very few, comparatively. It was also quite clear in the evening, not even fog snaking over the hills. October is our best beach month.

--==∞==--

I probably let myself get over-heated on the way home, but i know i wasn't feeling particularly motivated as i left work. I indulged in sugar in the middle of the afternoon: a mistake, i know. This is my addiction. I did have a good dinner when i got home: a black-eyed pea and cucumber salad i'd planned. I didn't do my "conditions of enoughness." I'll try again tonight, particularly with the housework items. My brother will spend the night with us Wednesday & Tuesday night, so i should prep for that disruption.

Learning how to balance is so hard for me.

Meanwhile, i woke this morning to all hell breaking loose at work. The question of drawing the line between work and self time is hard, too. I held back and let others contact me.

--==∞==--

I feel like i am ... different these days. Different from last year. I don't know if i am getting more and more consumed by work or what. Work and crochet? Is my being somewhat at peace with work creating a vacuum that work is then filling? I feel shallow-ish, as if i have no interesting thoughts.

On the other hand, maybe i am redirecting my focus from self examination to actually moving forward, thriving? That would be different! And would i recognize thriving?

Time to get ready for the commute. (Late, actually)

I had no motivation yesterday evening, so i sat and continued crocheting on a purse for my niece while watching episode after episode of Bones.

( crochet analysis )

... Thinking about Yule gifts i just went off to search eBay for Bison fiber to make mug cosies as part of a themed Yule gift donation to https://www.americanprairie.org. There's someone selling an unspun ounce of Bison fiber for a price i'm willing to pay. I also found an affordable bit of scrap bison leather lacings.... But then i found Bison nickels turned into buttons: that's perfect. Purchased.

Of course, this too was avoidance of a sort.

I'm reminded of sonia's article on core commitments .

It's my habit to berate myself for avoiding forced commitments. I realize a great deal of what i would have wanted to say are "ongoing commitments" really are "forced commitments." My committee responsibilities to Meeting are forced, despite being motivated by the ongoing commitment to the community. Attending Meeting and Meeting for Business are ongoing commitments i take with ease.

Care for my physical health in the form of exercise is forced. Care for the state of much of the household is forced. Even correspondence with many friends and family is forced (although i have definitely found that calling my parents and sister during my morning commute has become an ongoing commitment).

So i am berating myself from avoiding all those commitments and "goofing off" all evening.

That's not a compassionate understanding, and it's not going to help me balance my behaviors.

Speaking of commitments, the work hour approaches.